October 12 - Own It, It's Your Story After All

October 12 - What’s on the top of my ‘kudos to me’ list?


You should take a moment and read Kallan's post on owning your story.  Go ahead. I'll wait.

I am learning how to own my story. But honestly, I'm not sure how to do that. When I try to
change the narrative on a thing, it sounds crazy. That's probably because when I speak the truth
I've been told that I was crazy and that what I say happened isn't how it is.

All my life, I have been told by other people what the story of my life is.
My mother made to sure to tell me often I was an accident. That they weren't even sharing a
bed when I was conceived. To be honest, as I got older, I often wondered if my father was my father.
I often wondered if I was his brother's child. The only way I could prove that now would be if I did a DNA test with my cousins. The thing is though, I don't know if I would want to know.  It wouldn't change things. It would just be that my life was a lie from the beginning.

I've long been told how I was not enough.  I've been told I should have never been born.  I've gone through my life having people think I was something that I wasn't. All because of things other people said. And the people that knew they were lies.........no one, not one would ever step and say anything. No one ever told me that I wasn't any of the lies.

Learning to change the story, is hard as fuck.  Because crazy, you know.  Do you know how many times I've actually wondered if I was in fact crazy because I was made to feel I was? It sucks! It's a wonder that I didn't turn out worse. It's a wonder that I'm not an alcoholic or strung out on pills. Even when I know I am speaking the truth, all the lies in all the voices of those that spoke them scream loudly in my head. Telling me that I'm wrong, I'm crazy, that's not how the story goes.

Growing up without one positive speaking person and then marrying some one that all things should only benefit and revolve around him, it really fucks with you.  In all that time, in the younger part of my life, if I had just want person that told me a different story, I wonder what a difference it could or would have made.

Now, when someone tells me that they believe in me that I can do something. Or that something I made is really good. It is so fucking hard to believe it as truth. It's hard not to think that they are just saying these things to pacify me. That behind my back they maybe telling the "real" story about how bad it is or that I can't do shit.

You can change the narrative.
You can speak it.
Speaking and being heard, believed......seems impossible
But living it and believing it, that's a whole different ball game.