Triple Post

I missed a couple of days, so I will make up for it in this post.

October 13 - How comfortable do I feel reveling in my own awesomeness?
I'm not!  I hate it!  Hell, 95% of the time I don't even feel like I'm awesome.  I feel less than. So no, I am not comfortable at all.

October 14 - Who else am I proud of right now? How can I express that?
My niece.  She's taking advanced classes in her first year of high school! And she is part of FFA and is raising two baby goats, one of which she will show next year.  I don't know how I can express it to her.  I don't get to see her very often. The best I can do is tell her when I see her.

October 15 - What is my dream life like?

I have dreams, don't we all.  But I feel like mine are just that, Dreams.  I don't want to hope for more because I don't want to be disappointed or feel like I failed.  If I put them out there, and I don't achieve them then I will feel like a failure.  I already feel less than, so that would just make it worse. 

It's hard for me to put things out there.  I feel like I shouldn't even voice things. I posted about my one dream on my word press blog. And now, I feel like maybe I should delete it.  Because how dare I put that out there. But then I feel like how dare I even dream that. It's an impossible dream.  One that I know won't happen.  I can use it as my happy place maybe when shit gets hard, I can go there in my mind.

If I dare, in my dream life I am finally divorced and reclaimed my name.  I have a space of my own to do my creating without being in the way. It's colorfully decorated with strings of lights all around and wind chimes hanging outside. I have my easel out there, maybe even another one to go with it. I have canvases to paint on and ones I've completed are hung on the walls. I have candles or incense burning and some Omnia on the CD player. In this dream, maybe I've sold a painting or two, perhaps I've sold a couple of my photos that maybe were just good enough.  And I have a space to write, where I can leave out my quill pens and not have to worry about the cats eating them.  Because FEATHERS!  Perhaps I have a little herb garden or planter growing, I can have some herbs hanging to dry somewhere.

I feel silly, almost childish for even have any kind of dream. I don't feel worthy of having them.