I've been questioning things a lot lately. Especially when it comes to my relationship(s). Do I leave "HIM"? Do I strive to make a future with my beloved? Do I/we move to a new place/city/state? So many questions and emotions that I've been struggling with lately, it's been a rough week.
I've been wondering if I'm giving up and throwing away 20 years of marriage out of selfishness. Those feelings of it's all in my head and I'm not trying hard enough have been rearing up again. Then my youngest acting like if she has to choose who to be with if I did leave that she'd choose "HIM" because "HE" has the money.
My beloved and I were talking a few days ago and if we were together, maybe we could look at going to and living in Seattle. So I tossed that out to the girls and right off the youngest said, "NO! I'm not going there. I like it here and don't want to move there." So then I feel guilty and selfish that I would want to move somewhere to get a fresh start and maybe be closer to places that I can study the things I want. Like how dare I want things for me, who do I think I am to want anything for myself to be happy?
Well today I was messing around with my decks and even played around with a couple of online readings, and one card that kept coming up in almost every reading was the Eight of Cups. I read the meaning the first time I drew with my Mystic Dreamer's deck. And the thing that jumped out at me was "compelling her to leave her past behind, and strike out on a new journey." Looking up the meaning in another book, it states "Just as this card shows, you now turn your back on the situation and walk away from it, as it no longer fulfills you. ...Frequently this represents something that has held you back for a long time but, due to the amount of emotional investment, you found it difficult to walk away and move on,..."
So I looked up the meaning online as well, here are somethings I've found it means:
focusing on personal truth
looking for answers
concentrating on what is important
starting on a journey of discovery
- devoting more time to the spiritual
- moving on
- realizing the current cycle is over
abandoning a hopeless situation
finishing up and walking away
When you are finally fed up with it and you turn to a Tarot reading to show you the way, the Eight of Cups says that it is just time to leave. When a relationship is getting abusive, when a friend is increasingly disrespectful, when a parent cannot accept you are now an adult who must make independent decisions, the Eight of Cups indicates that it is time to go.
Meanings for the card were found here, here, and here. I think I had done a total of 5 different readings, and the 8 of cups turned up in I think at least 3 of them. What I seem to be getting is that it's time for me to move on, time to walk away and start over. I can't do that here, not really. There's nothing for me here, no friends or family, not that there would be anything in Seattle if I/we moved there except for a new start and hopefully a better life. It doesn't answer what to do about my youngest. The oldest will be 18 in January, so the choice is totally hers at that point, though she has stated many times if I left now she would go with me no matter what or where.
I keep going back to the thoughts of what the reader told me back in May, and what my own readings have shown thus far. Hers said I will get out of this relationship and start anew with my beloved, mine have been showing me that I need to leave and that a new relationship is there for me.
If this is indeed the path I'm to take, I will need a lot of strength and courage to do this and deal with all the fall out from it. Especially when it comes to what happens with my youngest. I don't know what she will do or how to handle it. I would like her to be with me, but for as much as she says she wants us to leave it seems she is just as content for us to stay. Goddess help me!