I'm a Bit Calmer Now

So this past week seems to have been a massive rollercoaster ride. I don't do rollercoasters!

I've tried to focus on calming myself down over Dipshit's latest fiasco. "HE's" still acting very ladi-da about it. Some suggestions were made that I have "HIM" arrested for what "HE's" done. And believe me the thought crossed my mind. But my conclusion was this: they were in "HIS" possession (though grandma let "HIM" have them with the restriction of they couldn't ever be sold...I swear she's rolled over in a her grave a few times), it would have a negative affect on "HIS" job, and probably more importantly when the time comes that I should leave it's something "HE" can't use against me. The calmer I keep things, the less I provoke "HIM" with shit now, I'm hoping the outcome down the road will be better. I know the later is probably wishful thinking on my part, but I can wish nonetheless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still very pissed about the whole thing. But I've decided to let Karma bite "HIM" in the ass and not me.

What's more important right now is me figuring out what is most important to me to take when I leave. There are really only 3 large pieces that I want to keep with me, no 4 probably. The rest is like her set of china, some crystal glasses that were my great-grandma's, my books!, pictures, my scrapbooks and supplies, my craft stuff....when all would be said and done, probably wouldn't even fill up a small U-haul.

My grandma's voice keeps echoing in my mind. I think she knew, and I think she may have even been encouraging me to leave "HIM" once she was gone. One of the last conversations we had was that whatever money was left over after she was buried was for me and the girls 'in case of an emergency'. If I had that money now, IF "HE" hadn't blown through it in a matter of months (no "HE" didn't have access to it directly, but when you need to keep utilities on or get cut off, and then the payment on the new car "HE" just HAD TO HAVE....it went fast. Even when I kept telling "HIM" over and over, that the money wasn't meant to be used for that..."HE" didn't care)...any way, If I still had the money, it would have been enough more me to get out and hold me over a month or two, maybe three at most. But it's all gone, every penny. Just one more way for "HIM" to make sure I was totally dependent on "HIM" with no means of getting out.

The sad part is though, I can't see myself leaving. I can't see myself away from "HIM". I try and I try and I try...but to no avail. My beloved has been looking for a place where he's at, and has found a likely one. He's been looking for a job in the area of the apartment as well. I try to see myself and the girls away from here, away from Dipshit...but try as I might, I can't see it. All I see is darkness, and I feel chained, bound. I think I've figured out why I feel like someone or something is working against me, too. You see Dipshit's sister is a crackpot, bible thumping, scripture quoting, my god is better than yours Christian. And they've been talking A LOT!!! And I think "HE'S" got her and her band of merry followers 'praying for me' that I'll come around to my senses and yea...you get the picture I'm sure. I don't know how to fight against that, I don't know how to break that chain. I mean I don't even know for sure that's what it is, but it does make the most sense.

I want out so desperately, I just don't know how I can do it. I don't know how I can leave.