It's been a hell of a week. I've just been such a bundle of emotions lately...scared, nervous, crying (is that in emotion?), angry...I feel like I've been a mess.
The fear that grips me when I think or talk about leaving tends to send me on this wild rollercoaster ride of overwhelming emotions. I want to run, but have no where to hide. Putting everything into words ends up being futile, so it makes me angry. The fears, they paralyze me. So in the end, I just end up crying my eyes out by the end of almost everyday.
Lately my beloved and I have been talking that maybe it would be better for me and the girls to move there, rather than he come here. It would give us a chance to start fresh, a chance to breathe. But the thoughts of leaving things behind put me into a sad state. Much of what I want to keep with me, both large and small, are mostly things that were my grandma's. Then of course there are my scrapbook photo albums, my pictures not yet placed in said albums, and my books...I can't leave my books...or my computer. To some...many of these might seem trivial, but not to me. Having lost everything once, I can't bear to go through it again. Nor do I want the girls to experience that.
The other thing that's been weighing on me is if my young one will stay with me. She's been fighting the idea of moving to my beloved. And that's just been almost more than I can take. I cannot leave her behind, yet I cannot continue to stay and live this way. I sat down with her the other night to talk with her. Telling her how I've been afraid she might not want to leave. I even told her that if she did not want me with my beloved, that I would give him up for her and her sister. That their happiness meant more to me than my own. And if staying here was what would make them happy, I'd give him and do so.
She was stunned and totally shocked that I'd be willing to give him up for her. She said she didn't want that. And all she wants is for me to be happy and she knows that my beloved makes me happy. She just feels sorry for dipshit and what it will be like if/when we leave.
And now tonight...dipshit drops a bombshell in my lap and tells me well we're short money (again). That if I pay the 2 bills that must be paid and he pays back his sister we'd be broke till payday (again). I told him if I don't pay the electric they will cut it off tomorrow. The cable will do the same if they aren't paid in the next day or two, I'd be lucky if we got to Wednesday. So his solution...to sell the ring that was my grandfather's that my grandma had given to him. Well it was more of like she let him wear it, but anyway. His words were to the effect of "I know its like an heirloom and all, such a shame to sell it, but we need the cash. And so if you have any gold items we can sell give them to me so I can see what I can get for them." I wanted to say "YEA! Take the fucking wedding ring I don't wear anymore you dumb fuck. You can sell that and that any thing else you gave me. 'Cause I don't want your shit no more." But, I didn't say anything I was too flabbergasted that he wants to sell something that really isn't his to sell.
I'm so damn aggravated it's not funny. I'm making myself sick over this bastard. And all he can do is imply it's everyone's fault but his that there's never enough money. I can't go spending the money, I'm not on the accounts anymore. All I can do is log in to the bill pay sites to click a button to pay a bill...that's it. And even that I don't do with out telling him what needs to be paid and wait for the okay.
Will it ever stop? Will I ever get out of here? All I can think at the moment is "Calgon, take me away!" But, for some reason...that's not working. So I can only hope for change instead.