Damn it! 3 months since I lasted posted, I didn't intend for it to be that long. I just kept feeling like what I wanted to write just wasn't important. Yes, yes have been having a minor pity party. Not really sure why, maybe just frustration with myself. Frustrated at not being able to connect with my Muse, trying to force it and getting no where.
Anywho...Pet Peeves! My dear friend Wylde Sage (with or with out the "e", I can't remember lol sorry) she touched on this a few weeks ago about her own. And I had to agree on many if not all of them. This week seems to be my turn to vent over my own. I think one in particular has been brewing for quite awhile now.
#1 - People who claim to always be broke, short on cash, funds are tight, w/e and then no sooner they say that they have something new, are going out to eat, to a show/concert/play/movie, or even traveling. Please just stop the bull shit. I rarely talk about finances with anyone. If by chance the topic some how comes up in a random conversation, and I say that money is tight, for me it's the truth. And I'm not looking for a fucking hand out. But don't say it back to me or in general and go and spend money like you just busted open the piggy bank, all it does is make you look shitty. Too many times lately I've been told or heard some one say money is so tight for them and literally turn around and go buy or do something that isn't a necessity.
#2 - People who start a conversation (email or private messaging) and you send them a reply expecting an answer and you get nothing. Or better yet, starting the initial conversation to get information and then ignoring anything else I might have to say. Especially if you call yourself a friend!
#3 - People who use others for information or personal gain, take credit for someone else's work/idea/etc, suck people drain of their energy/emotions/kindness. Grow the fuck up! Stop using people! Stop treating people like they owe you something!
There's more, but I think that's good enough for now. 1 and 2 are the ones that are REALLY bugging me right now.
OLD WOUNDS! Ouch! The kind that make me look over my shoulder, sensitive to certain smells and sounds, give me bad dreams. Yesterday, I got a PM from a gal I went to school with. She was the kind of person that was my friend one second and giving me the silent treatment the next always leaving me going "what just happened?" Well she asks me about a person we both knew, a person I dated. A person who abused me, assaulted me, and made me lose everything I had leaving me homeless at 16. She wanted to know if I know where he is or if I've heard from him. An organization we all used to belong to is planning a reunion and someone asked about him. Why ask me? I don't know. I told her that I haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years and hope I never do. Her answer: okay thanks just wondering. ...WHAT?
Some friend! Not an I'm sorry, nothing!
I know I'm thousands of miles away, and the likelihood of seeing him is slim to none. But it woke something in me that I worked very hard to get over. Now I find myself jumping at certain sounds that remind me of my time with him. I find myself smelling the air more often as he had a distinctive smell that you could sometimes smell before you actually saw him. I'm just so unsettled right now!
Then I took a look at the group's FB page and saw that someone implied he died. I tried to look it up immediately, I also tried searching various inmate lookups in hopes that he was incarcerated. But I had no luck on either front. Part of me wanted to message the girl who had asked about me in the group, but I can't bring myself to do it. Many of the people in that group turned their backs on me and treated me like I was unfit to breathe the same air as them. One gal said on there she remembers him but has no idea who I am, and I even lived across the street from her for a time! GEEZ! Am I that forgettable? Am I so insignificant that you can act like I never existed? I remember almost each and everyone one of them, especially the ones I saw on almost a daily basis.
I am back to feeling like I need some sort of piece of mind that he will not hurt me again. And I don't know how to get that. I don't like how such simple little words turned me upside down and have me feeling on edge. I also feel like some of these emotions of feeling insignificant go deeper and further than just this group of old acquaintances. It's also leaving me feeling like I need to seek approval from others again, to feel like I'm accepted, to feel like I matter.
This as all left me feeling very small and vulnerable, hurt and scared. And I don't like it!