It's been about three and a half months since I left now. I'm working on letting go of the notion that I'm supposed to be this or that, or doing something more than I am. It's hard to do let me tell ya. It's hard to accept the generosity of others without thinking you need to do something in return other than be happy or a simple thank you. I'm not one to ask for things, no matter how badly I might need something. It's taking time to get used to being around others that have no expectations of you, that don't try to change you, or that just want you to be happy and be yourself who ever that may be.
I've been finding it hard to sit and read even though I have managed to read about a half dozen books since I've been here. And I have a stack to go through yet, not counting the unread books I brought with me. I've been finding it extremely difficult to do any sort of art. Maybe it's just fear of doing it openly in front of so many here, maybe it's my lack of a small space to just set up my art stuff and having a place to paint....I really don't know. Or perhaps it's just the Fear Gremlin messing with me in general.
Something that touched me this week is that my friend Sage messaged me about how my August 21st post touched her. How it made her realize she isn't alone in how she is feeling. It seems she related to much of what I wrote and we've been experiencing the same feelings of guilt. The feeling that we don't do enough for those around us...our loved ones. Oddly enough too...both our loved ones have pretty much told us the same things. "Lighten up! Don't be so hard on yourself! You do plenty! You need to relax and do something you enjoy!" I don't know but to me it seems that the Universe is telling us both to chill out and get our paint brushes wet, to start arting. Now mind you neither of us were told to art specifically but it's just a sense of what I'm getting. The thing is for us to get ourselves doing it!
I've been feeling down (and PMS doesn't help) and that leads to me being hard on myself, which leads to me getting weepy. And well my Beloved...he notices. And he wouldn't let up until I fessed up. Plus he saw the exchange of messages between myself and Sage. And he reminded me once again, that I wasn't brought out here to "do it all", to keep house, to be the bookkeeper and number cruncher, to be the secretary, the cook, etc. That they didn't have me come out here to take money from me, they don't want a dime from me. He told me that I'm out here for us, and for myself. And that I need to just learn to let someone take care of me for a change, instead of me being the one to juggle and worry about everything. He said my priorities right now are us, myself, the girls, the kitten, helping out with the inside animals, sneaking in helping out with dishes (I'm not supposed to do the dishes...every woman's dream right? LOL), cooking occasionally and tending the veggie and herb garden.
Which in turn brings me to Wishcast Wednesday, albeit 2 days late. But Jamie asked "What do you wish to immerse yourself in?" I guess it's taken me a couple of days to think about. Process my conversation with Sage and my conversation with my Beloved.
I wish to immerse myself in creativity, in art, in my paints, in learning to self love, into learning to really tap into my Creative Source. I wish to immerse myself into each new day on a path of discovery in myself, with my beloved, with those around me, and with nature and finding my Path what ever it is.