It started fairly basic today. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I'm mysteriously out of printer ink. I don't think I printed that much stuff, but the well is dry and that is mildly frustrating.
I figured I'd make a copy of the bankruptcy discharge to have with me for later on. Well with no ink, I had to scan it instead. I went to move it from my scanned file to the documents file. And that's where I fell apart. I read some letters that my Beloved emailed to me a while back, and I haven't been able to stop crying.
I miss him terribly. My heart aches with the pain of how much I miss him. My eyes hurt from crying and having cramps from hell today isn't helping matters much either. Reading his words once again touched my heart so deeply. I just want us to be us again. We're happy together, we make each other happier than we've ever been apart, we're good together. We share many of the same ideals and even if there's things we don't see eye to eye on we can have a good debate over it and not fight over it.
What we have is so very rare, and it's good and pure, and true. We belong together. I truly believe that we are the kind of soulmates that find each other again and again in every lifetime, that the love that is shared guides us together every time. He said he felt the same way. I deserve to be loved by him and be happy with him, we deserve to be with each other. I just want to be with my Beloved.
Update on the advocate front: I spoke to her briefly yesterday. The one lawyer she was trying to get is booked for the next couple of months. So she is trying to get me another. I talked to her again about getting out to where my Beloved is, and she said once again that they can help me with that. Went so far as to tell me to not worry about how much it will cost because they will take care of it. This baffles me somewhat, as the other girl said it would depend on the month's budget of what they had to work with. I'm also unsure of how all this will work if they pay for me to get out there. I don't want trouble with the Ogre. There is no need for other agencies to get involved either. I don't know if they would, I'm just saying there isn't a need for it. Or if it would be best to just get the tickets on my own when the prices drop again. Hmmm, what to do...what to do.
I want to ask you a question. It's been on my mind, and I hope you don't think me too abrupt, but, forgive me, I am trying to understand something. I'm wondering why your Beloved doesn't find a way to get you out there with him. Why is he leaving everything up to you? This bothers me that he sits back and waits for you to do it all. Why not send you the money and tell you to get your butt out there? Rather than see you in so much pain and do nothing. Perhaps you won't speak to me again, but that is really on my mind...and I am only trying to be a friend. And the truth is, sometimes 'friends' have to tell us things we really don't want to hear.
ReplyDeleteMary
He was trying to do all that and more. Not just to move me but to hire me a good lawyer too. But there were set backs and unexpected bills that came up. He has done a lot to try and help me get out there. We just kept hitting a lot of obstacles. The thing was too, I was letting him do everything, while I sat and hid in my corner of fear. This is something I need to do, for myself. Everytime he took steps to getting closer to getting me out there, I would get so scared that I wouldn't be able to go through with it even though I knew it wasn't going to be like the next day. He really has done a lot. But the damn FEAR...I couldn't see past my own fear and it hurt us both a lot. While I welcome any help he might be able to give even just in words, this is something I feel like I have to do to prove to myself that...YES! I can leave.
ReplyDeleteI just don't want to see you hurt. I've been through a lot in all my years, and wonderfing about him was bothering me.
ReplyDeleteMary
Thanks Mary for your concern and I do appreciate it. My Beloved is a good man, he's everything I could ever want and more. He's the first man I've ever felt safe with in my life, truly loved by, cared for, respected and wanted.
ReplyDeleteIf he could have gotten me out there or come here and got a place already he would have. But some things came up financially that have caused a few set backs. And realizing I was depending entirely on him to do it all...that hit me hard. I should have been finding ways to help instead of hide. And I was always afraid that when the time came I wouldn't have the courage to go through with it.
This is something I need to do to prove to myself that yes I can....but I also need to do this for him as well, for us. It's what I need to do to be free of the Ogre, to begin to heal, and to start to live my life...hopefully with the man I love. Fear is a terrible thing that can cause a lot of heartache...I have to stop being scared. It's time!