Last Post of 2010

It's been a roller coaster year emotionally, mentally, financially...it's be a roller coaster decade, who am I kidding? The last year has been eye opening, I think. Something, somewhere inside me has awoken after a very long sleep, though it is still not fully awake and still quite groggy, it is a start.

I don't like to make resolutions, I never ever stick to them. But this Word thing, that's got my interest piqued. But what word? Now that was tough! So...I made a list, and they all have some significance for me for the coming year. But one word always comes to mind first, right off the bat when I think about my list, in fact it was even the very first word I wrote down too. I'm going to take a wild stab here and say that it is probably my primary word for the year and the other words just kind of support it I think.

My Word for 2011 is: FREEDOM!

The rest of the words I came up with are

• Balance
• Trust
• Breathe
• Shine
• Create
• Fly
• Soar
• Self-Love
• Focus
• Achieve
• Goddess Wisdom
• Believe
• Dream
• Bliss
• Sparkle
• Inspire

In the coming year, I hope to find my Freedom. Freedom to be me, Freedom from fear and doubt, Freedom from a spouse I no longer want to be with that is controlling and emotionally abusive, Freedom to create, Freedom to trust, Freedom to live and breathe without worry.

I want to paint more, art journal more, write more, read more, live more, trust more.

I wish you all a New Year filled with all the most wonderful things and many many Bright Blessings. Stay Safe out there if you are going out or traveling. Namaste!

Wishcast Wednesday - New Year Wishes

It's kind of funny that I've been thinking about this subject for the last few days, wondering what I could/should/would wish for in the coming year. And lo and behold, it's the last prompt from Jamie for 2010 as she asks, "What do you wish for the New Year?"

As I was looking at the other wish caster blogs, I was and still am pondering my own wishes. There are so many that are important and so many more that are quite trivial. As I think about them, I feel almost like I'm repeating myself. But then again, could repeating them and constantly reminding myself of them bring them to life? So here we go...these are in no particular order....

My Wishes for 2011:

• I wish I could afford to take a few of Tam's art courses over at Willowing.ning.com.
  
• I wish I could afford to take Connie's "BIG" and "FEARLESS" courses at DirtyFootprints.
• I wish to find my freedom from the unhappiness I live.
• I wish to find the freedom to be me, with out fear of rejection, negativity and put downs.
• I wish to open my Etsy shop.
• I wish to move to be with my beloved.
• I wish to find the place to live where our souls/spirits are.
• I wish to find my writing voice again.
• I wish to be more creative...to draw, to paint, to craft, to create.
• I wish to learn to love myself.
• I wish to learn to trust, to forgive, to let go.
• I wish to find my path, my Goddess.
• I wish to learn to meditate and to read the Tarot.
• I wish for my daughters to be happy, to find their voice, to be free to be themselves.

And I also wish that all your wishes come true. I wish you all a Happy New Year. May 2011 be filled with love, joy, peace, good health, prosperity, creativity and magic.

Yule Blessings

Warm Winter Solstice wishes and Bright Yule Blessings to you all. I hope the coming year is filled with love, good health, good friends, health, happiness, and prosperity for you all.

I had the opportunity to see the Solstice Eclipse last night and it was beautiful and spectacular. Some clouds moved in a couple of times on us and tried to spoil it, but they moved out quickly and we were able to see our lovely Mother Moon go into her full eclipse. (then the clouds were back lol) The Moon's energy felt strong and powerful during the eclipse, something I never noticed or felt before. I only can hope that the energy from the Moon will help get me through until I can get to where I want and need to be.

I'm still here

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything. But, I just feel like I haven't had much worth saying. Everytime I thought about blogging something, it just sounded ... I don't know ... lame, pointless?

I've been feeling down since just before Thanksgiving. Four years ago, my grandma...my rock, passed away on Thanksgiving. Add to that having to deal with "HIS" sister and her holy roller friend. Follow that up with wishing I was with my beloved. And now leading into Christmas, I'm feeling even more down because it reminds me how much I miss my Dad who passed Christmas Eve 1994. My family seems to have a knack for dying on the holidays lol. And of course, having to be here with "HIM" makes me miss my beloved even more. Then "HIS" sister is coming again and this time bringing their niece. I think what pisses me off even more, is that I/we are EXPECTED to cook and host the holidays. Never once even when it was known we couldn't afford it, even now we can't...has anyone in "HIS" family said you know let's give you guys a break and we'll do it. NO! It's always...what time should we come over?

And "HE" keeps making all these plans to do this or that, to travel here and there. All I can keep thinking is with what money? And of course "HE" tells this to the girls, who get their hopes up. And for what? To be let down? I hate the empty promises "HE" makes all the time. I hate what it does to the girls when they get let down.

I don't belong here, I know I don't. Every bone in my body cries out that I'm supposed to be some where else. But, I don't know where that is. Some days I think, I should just pack what I can take and leave everything else behind. And other days, I feel like I can't leave certain things behind because they were left to me by my grandmother. I just wish I knew what the answer was as to what I should do.

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Wishcast Wednesday-Enjoy!

It's that time of week again, and Jamie asks us "What do you wish to enjoy?"

I've been pondering this pretty much all afternoon. I was for some reason wanting to come up with something profound, but realized that my wish(es) are really quite simple.

I wish:

• to enjoy my life.
• to enjoy writing.
• to enjoy creating.
• to enjoy cooking again.
• to enjoy just being me.

That's it really. Sure I can elaborate into each one probably a little further. But I'm gonna just keep it simple.

Art Heart and Healing Week 2 (part 2)

WHEW! Finished my whimsy page. I didn't draw as many little whimsy people as I would have liked, but I am happy with what I did draw. Been having some pain in my hand that's been sometimes shooting up to my elbow...I'm guessing the change in weather is causing the flair up.

I have to admit, I'm surprised that I even drew them. I have never drawn whimsy before. I could imagine it, but could never get it on paper. I like the pencil I'm using, but I am finding that for doing smaller faces like for whimsy, it's WAY too smudgy for me. I think I will have to get a different pencil to use for doing more whimsy type things, one that won't smudge so easily.

Tomorrow we start week 3...YAY. More boardbook altering this week and making a poppet I think is what is in store. There is still time to sign up for the workshop...You can start it at any time. I do believe that Tam is leaving everything up on the site so that anyone can join at anytime. When I have some extra money, I hope to buy one of her other art courses or perhaps join her new one in January ( I think that's when it will start.) She really is a fun and fabulous teacher.

Samhain Blessings

Wishing you all a Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain. May your year and all your days be filled with health, love and joy, peace and prosperity, and magick filled days. Goddess Blessings upon you all.

Art Heart and Healing Week 2 (part 1)

This week is actually two parts, the first is to write to your baby self or at least younger than the age of 3. I don't make wishes for myself usually...I'm always the one that wants more or better for others. I guess that's why I have a hard time with some of the Wishcast Wednesdays or doing resolutions.

But the goal was to work through some of the childhood traumas we may have experienced or just how you wish things could have been for the baby and future you. The second half of the assignment was to do a whimsy page of something positive you would have liked to have happened. Like for instance if you didn't have friends you might draw a whimsy page of you with some friends have fun. I haven't done the whimsy yet...need to prime my pages so I can do that later.

Here's a look at what my wishes for baby me turned out like. I might add some swirls or some darker stamping on it...but I kinda like it the way it is.

Samhain Wishes for the Coming Year...

I know Samhain/Halloween isn't for 3 more days. But I was reading Danni's blog entry today about making resolutions for the coming year. I don't particularly like to make resolutions, I never really ever stick to them or accomplish them. BUT...Since today is my birthday, I thought I'd make birthday wishes for the coming year instead.

So...I Wish...

• to be free from this marriage that I'm not happy in.
• to be free of a man I no longer love.
• to learn to accept myself as I am.
• to learn to be just me...whatever, whoever that may be.
• to learn to heal and over come all the negativity, hurt, anger, pain, fear.
• to learn to grow in my path, where ever it leads.
• to learn to grow in my creativity, to not let fear or insecurity hold me back.
• to learn to let go of the past and things I no longer need. Material or emotional.
• AND my biggest wish is to be with my beloved...so I can be loved and wanted for who I am, as I am without expectations to be someone or something I am not.
  

Art Heart and Healing Week One

This wasn't the easiest for me to do. We had to write down all the negative thoughts that go through our minds and that we tell ourselves. My page was almost full, I really could have filled it up. It took me a week to do the page, because I had a hard time coming up with a positive statement. See for me, I believe a lot of the negative I wrote. So while I've not worked through or passed them yet, I came up with this "I am free to just be me!!!" as a reminder to myself.

I didn't want "HIM" to see what I was working on. But "HE" happened to pass by, and saw it. Took the book and looked at and snickered about my statement. UGH!

But I did enjoy doing the layering and the painting. It was fun. I'm not pleased with the paper though. I used as little water as possible to blend my watercolor crayons and the page still started to curl and buckle and shred up in some spots. This is actually the first time I've ever drawn a face like this.

Crafty Witch is having a great give-away.

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Taking A Step

My cousin now knows what's been going on here at home. Opening up to her wasn't easy. I haven't told her everything, just some of it. It was hard enough to admit to her that there was something wrong. She asked me if it was bad enough that I would think about leaving. I told her, if I had the means I'd leave in a heart beat.

Talking to a friend or to my beloved about it all is one thing. But admitting and telling a family member, is entirely different. Admitting it to her makes me feel like I've failed a million times over. Admitting it to her makes it real...realer than it's ever been. And that's really hard. Harder than I thought it would be.

Part of me regrets telling her. Part of me feels like I should have kept my secret. I am afraid of how my family will view me now. Surely she will tell my aunt and uncle. I know they will talk about it, talk about me. My gut tells me that they will tell her stay out of it and mind her business. That it's my problem to deal with. It's one of the reasons I've kept it to myself to begin with. And now that they know...what will they think of me?

Tam's Workshop Starts Tomorrow

I'm so excited. I've been seeing these videos and sites on art journaling and altered books and such...I've been wanting to try this out, but I feel like it may be beyond my scope of what I can do. My drawing skills are too limited to my liking, I don't really know how to paint. I look at some of the work others have done and begin to think I'm in over my head.

But the theme of Tam's workshop (which is *free* by the way except for your supplies you'll need)is on heart and healing. If you've been following my blog and/or read any of my posts you know my heart needs A LOT of healing. So while my things may not come out stunning, I'm hoping that it will help me to start to heal. If I can somehow work through my pain and fears, maybe I can find a way out of the darkness.

So I encourage you to go check out the site, maybe sign up and do the workshop too. I'll be posting about how it's going for me. And IF I'm really brave, maybe even post some photos of what I've done.

It's Been a Year

I can hardly believe a year has gone by since I saw your eyes so blue and your hand in mine. Since I've felt your arms around me holding me safe, the warmth of your hugs, hearing the beat of your heart while I rested my head on your chest.

Not a day has gone by that my heart hasn't ached, that I haven't tried to hide the sadness I've felt since you went home. Sometimes I hurt so bad, it's unbearable. Not a day has passed that I've wondered when I'd get to feel you hold me safe in your arms again.

I have missed you everyday since you left and I will miss you everyday until we can be together again.

I try to fight it thinking I don't deserve you. That you deserve better than someone like me. I try to push you away because I miss you so much, and when I think I'm not worthy to be with you it's more than I can handle. I keep thinking that sometimes I should stay with "HIM", that it's my lot in life to deal with the shit "HE" dishes out to me. That somewhere I did something to deserve to be treated that way, a punishment if you will.

I had no intentions of falling for you, nor was I looking. I told you all that the day we started talking. All I needed was a friend, I never dreamed you would end up being more. You know well how I've fought that, trying to deny how I feel. I keep thinking if only I kept you at arms length, if only you didn't come to visit, if only I hadn't let you....If only, If only, If only....Then maybe the distance wouldn't feel like an eternity and it wouldn't hurt so much.

I miss you more than you could ever possibly know, and I wait (however impatiently) for the day I am free to be with you.

Surveying the Damage

I just was on the hill behind the house. WOW! I had no idea so much of the hill burned! Most of it is what I guess is underbrush. Fallen leaves, branches, pine needles, etc. But I'd venture to say 75% is burned. If I had to guess, the amount of area burned beyond the fence line, would have to be equal to the distance of my fence to the railroad tie wall, and that was what I could see. Most of the damage in the woods appears to be what ever was/is on the ground already.

I did see one or two small spots smoking on my side of the break. I don't find this comforting. But hopefully it won't spread to the hill again since most of that has been burnt already.

I only got 3 hours of sleep. The air smells of smoke which is just awful and is irritating my throat and breathing terribly. Add that to the vision of the flames dancing in the woods last night...

I don't think I can rest till it's completely out. I'll be checking it through out the day. It's expected to be windy today with gusts up to 20mph. Looks like no real rest for the next few days for me.

Wishcast Wednesday-Fly Free

Today Jamie asks us "What do you wish to fly free from?" I've kinda ponder that thought all day.
I have so many 'issues' it makes me feel sad like I won't ever break free of them.

I wish to fly free from:

• being afraid to do things or try things.
• feeling like I'm not good enough.
• feeling like I have to be how others want me to be.
• procrastination!...in my writing, in opening my Etsy shop, in my studies.
• doubting myself.

What about you? What do you wish to fly free from?

Whoa! Wild fires are scary stuff!!!

I've lived in the house I'm in going on 12 years and never ever have we had wild fires break out in the woods behind our house. Yesterday for the first time, one did. The Fire Dept. responded rather quickly and spent a couple hours up in the woods dealing with the outbreaks. Well today much to my shock and surprise, the spots must have flared back up and made their way down the hill in my back yard. My oldest came running down to tell me the flames were on our hill, I opened the back door and just yards from me at the base of our hill (which sits about 4 feet above our grass and supported by a railroad tie wall) were flames....a trail of them. The Fire Dept. was already pulling up by this time, so I ran out the front to tell them we had flames in our yard.

They came in quick and spent about 2 hours dousing the hill with water and looking for more possible hot spots. And then after that brought in a bulldozer to put a break in between us and the woods. After talking to one of the fire fighters, he said the fire was almost definitely deliberate. Probably some kids from the school smoking in the woods. And with us being under a "Red Flag" warning he said the conditions were ideal. Then he said that fire is a living thing and there was plenty of dry leaves, pine needles and fallen trees and branches for it to feed on.

For some reason, his 'fire is a living thing' comment just struck me with wonderment. I never thought of it that way. But it struck a cord in me somehow.

I don't know what pisses me off more though, the fact that some kids were careless and started this all. ...OR The fact that when I called "HIM" today and told "HIM" what was going on, "HE" said "HE'D" be home soon as possible, that was 3 hours ago AND "HE'S" STILL NOT HOME!
What if it was worse? What if it spread faster than they could contain it today? What if the girls and I were in danger or had to evacuate? I don't understand how "HE" can just not give a shit.

But thank the Goddess we didn't have to leave and we're still safe. I'm still worried though, that it might flare up again, that it might jump the break, that the hill itself might flare up. I can still smell the smoke. The fireman said I would for the next couple days at least.

It also occurred to me, that I don't know what I'd grab if I had to leave like that quick. I don't have a plan. Maybe it's time to make one.

How The Hell Do I Even Handle That?

I had been babysitting on and off for about a year (last year) and saved up most of what I got paid for it. Especially since I got paid so randomly...it could be weeks before I saw any money. It wasn't much but it was something. And I saved most of it, to spend on crafts and such. Now mind you it was easy to save as I really don't get to go out since I have to depend on "HIM" to take me anywhere I want or need to go.

I am about at the last little bit of money I had saved from that time and have been buying myself some yarn or craft supplies. Apparently "HE" views this as a bad thing, I dunno why since it's cost "HIM" Zero! dollars.

Well, my youngest came to me last night and told me "HE'S" been asking where I was getting my money from. (won't ask me, even though I've mentioned more than once it was money I'd saved up from last year)...Anyway "HE" asked her again (yes, "HE'S" asked her on more than one occasion!) She responded with the usual "I dunno."

So "HE" in "HIS" oh so infinite wisdom proceeds to say to her..."I know where she gets the money from! She's a phone prostitute and has phone sex for money." (complete with imitated sounds she said)....I was stunned, shocked, and disgusted! I still am. Who the fuck in their right mind would tell their 14 year old daughter that they thought her mother conducted such acts??? SHIT! When the hell would I even find the time to do such a thing??? My room is like Grand Central Fucking Station....I don't have privacy, everyone walks in and out as they please. "HE" has to pass through my room to go watch "HIS" precious TV. I am so disgusted, so pissed with "HIM"! I don't even know how or if I should confront this.

And "HE" thinks there's nothing wrong with this relationship...that everything is peachy....that I will 'snap out of it' and we can reconcile...."HE" is fucking delusional!

Do I ignore this for now? Do I confront? ("HE" will deny it. Or play it off as a joke.) What do I do? I'm not in a position that I can leave just yet, and I don't know what to do.

October's Finally Here

It's finally starting to feel a bit like fall down here. The weather's been much cooler these last few days. Even though the Autumn equinox is in September, October always feels like when the season officially begins for me. I've always loved the fall, I don't know why. As a kid, maybe it was because my birthday and Halloween are both in October which meant presents and candy within 3 days of each other LOL. Now, I don't know what it is really. Sometimes it feels like I have a different sense of clarity in the fall. I don't think I can explain it.

Add to that the fact the registration for NaNoWriMo officially opened yesterday. Once again I will attempt to participate. I might actually use the month to jot down some ideas for something to actually write rather than try to fly by the seat of my pants again. I also signed up for a free workshop/class the F2K Creative Writing Course over at writersvillage.com. And before that, I signed up to do a free online Art Course called The Heart of Art by Willowing.org.

Seems like I'm putting a lot on my plate, 2 different classes, trying to set up an Etsy store and make more crafts not just the bags which I need to make some more of. But I feel like I've been in sort of downward spiral away from my creative side. I need to as Cher said in "Moonstruck"..."SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough or creative enough, that my ideas don't fit a certain person's ideals. Cuz ya know what....TOUGH SHIT ON HIM!

He won't even let me have the bigger of the 2 rooms down stairs (I have the small one right now.) I told him I need to be where I can have room to work and be and leave it all out because that's how I function. But he won't let me because he doesn't want to move his precious TV. I told him just swap rooms, let me have the bigger one. NO! He wants me to move my work area in there. I'm sorry I can't work, think, create when someone is blaring the TV and surround sound for the entire subdivision to hear. So I will have to find a way to make my little room work instead.

I'm sorry...this post isn't supposed to be a rant about dipshit...it's supposed to be about how I love October. I want to make this a month of new beginnings for me. And so, yes...I signed up for 2 free classes and signed up to do NaNo in November. I need something(s) to focus on other than my miserable home situation.

SO...Here's to October! Let's make it a great one!!!

Butterflies and Rainbows

Caught these 2 butterflies hanging out on the Butterfly Bush in the back yard a few days ago. Then they started to fly around and 'dance' around me. I could hear the flutter of their wings I believe as they did.




And the double rainbow (actually there's a reverse rainbow just under the main one that you can't see but we did) that appeared over the house after the storm that came through a bit ago.

Trying to find the meaning of rainbows outside of the cookie-cutter christian one is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Would love to find some Pagan meanings but it's like impossible. But that's what makes seeking so much more fun.

Mabon Blessings

I want to wish you all a Very Blessed Mabon and Happy Autumn Equinox.

I love Autumn, it's my time of year. Maybe it has to do with that I was born in Autumn, 3 days before Halloween. Maybe it's the cool weather and a time when I get to wear my snuggly, cozy clothes.

It's also a time of thanksgiving, or so I have read. I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my daughters. I am thankful for my beloved. I am thankful that we all have a roof over our heads and food to eat. I am thankful for the friends I've made through blogging. I am thankful that you all 'listen' to my banter. I am thankful for the gentle nudging of my beloved and Antics and the encouragement from Nydia and Ana to get my Etsy shop off the ground. (still setting up things but the page is there). I am thankful to the Goddess for finding me and rescuing me and helping me find my way.

May the Goddess shine down her blessings upon all of you and yours.

Passion

Some where along the way, I've lost my passion. I think I've known this for quite some time now. I just haven't been able to or wanted to admit it. It's kinda got me down realizing it and admitting that I've lost my passion. And not just for one thing, but a lot of things. I think it really hit me that I'd lost it while watching "Master Chef" these last few weeks.

Watching that show, made me realize I'd lost my passion for cooking. I love(d) to cook. Most times I miss it. When my grandma was alive she would often praise my cooking. If something was too salty or not seasoned enough she'd tell me and I would know she was right as my own palette would confirm it. Or if I thought, it's missing something but cannot put my finger on it...she would offer suggestions and then we'd be 'that's it!...yes! it's missing xxxx or yyyy.' But when you get criticised needlessly over and over and over, when you know a dish is good and 'someone' comes along and tells you things that aren't even wrong with it....after a while, you just don't want to cook or even try anymore. But I do realize that I miss it...cooking my way...a lot.

Next up, my writing. I think it's more than just writer's block. I think it's more than my Muse has gone silent. Maybe, perhaps part of her silence is that I lost my passion. I've shared with VERY few people my meager attempts at writing something. I got critiqued on voice, on that I need to show not tell so much...which were welcomed and expected. I figured I could fix the 'show and tell' on revision...it was more important to get the ideas down than to worry if I was "telling" too much. But, some time after Grandma's death, I fell into this rut and slowly lost my passion to pick up a pen and write or continue writing the WiP. And having 'him' tell me what 'he' thought and still thinks I should be writing doesn't help much. Thankfully I had the wisdom to not share with 'him' my work.

Then there's my crafts. I've spent way more than I ever should have on getting supplies and such only to face discouragement from 'you know who'. I like to leave my work out when I'm doing it so that I can just pick up where I left off. Granted in the beginning the dining table may have posed a small problem, especially with my scrapbooking, but I'd just move my open album with my current work stacked on it to the coffee table temporarily. But it wasn't enough. 'He' always wanted me to put it all away everytime. Then there were the complaints about the cost of developing the film, later it was the cost of printing from digital. I couldn't win. 'He' discouraged my scrapbook business because in 'his' opinion it wasn't making enough money for 'his' liking. Eventually my clients stopped coming to my crops one by one. Some, long before we left the church where most of my clients came from. I think now, part of it was they just didn't want to be around 'him'.

I wanted to learn to sew. 'He' got me a sewing machine one Christmas. I was clueless how to use it. But I eventually muddle through making a couple of small things. Again...you just can put things away when you're in the middle of a project. But, with 'him' you have to. So if 'he' wasn't mad that I would leave the work out, 'he' was mad because I didn't have a vast array of homemade items done on it...like curtains and drapes for all the rooms. That was before the gripe about how much it would cost for material.

For reading...I used to love to read. I still do, but I don't as often anymore. I used to go through several books a week, now I'm lucky if I get through one a month.

Okay, maybe my passion was actually stolen from me, rather than lost. As I re-read the post, almost everything I was passionate about was lost at the hands, well words and actions of one person. Sadly, I allowed 'him' to have that sort of control. And now, I want it back. I want my passion back! For cooking, reading, gardening, crafting, writing, learning....I want my passion back!!!! And I want it now!

Remembering 9/11

Every year as this day approaches, I have a sense of sadness that comes over me. I still cannot bear to watch or listen to the replays of that fateful day. The memory of it is burned forever in my mind. I watched it unfold before my very eyes. With the thoughts of 'I was supposed to be at the Towers with the girls' racing through my mind.

Yes I was supposed to be down there that day. It was the last thing I had planned to do before I flew back to Atlanta with my Grandma and the girls. I figured I didn't know when I'd be back to New York since Grandma was moving to Georgia to live with me, so I would live the best trip for last. A walk around the Twin Towers, Trinity Church, and South Street Seaport.

But the Fates had other plans for me. The night before, my oldest suffered a severe nose bleed, one I thought would surely send us to the ER. Never had she had one so bad, nor has she had one like that ever since. It kept us up most of the night even though it had finally stopped after a half hour. But just the fear of it starting up again kept waking her up, which of course woke the rest of us up.

Morning dawn, sunny and beautiful. Grandma was getting ready to go to the beauty salon to have her hair done one last time by her beauticianist. She turned on the radio just a minute or two after 8:46 am...listening to the caster talk about what had just happened, I kept thing something sounds very, very wrong. We turned on the TV and the shock of what we saw was just unreal. And then the second plane comes into view flying straight for the 2nd Tower. I remember waving my hands at the TV as if to try and shew it away, telling it to move. The horror of watching that plane strike before my eyes, was like watching a bad movie.

Then watching the Towers fall one by one. The knowing that I was supposed to be there that day with my two girls. Memories that are forever etched in my mind. I could have walked to the corner of the block, and seen it 'live', but watching it on the TV was bad enough. The memory of the silence that washed over the city and my neighborhood was almost unbearable.

Where I was at my Grandma's apartment, was about 3 miles from Ground Zero. We could see the debris cloud hanging in the air, seemingly inching closer and closer. The silence of not hearing the airplanes flying into or taking off from LaGuardia was strange, and the sound of fighter jets and watching them fly over us and head towards Ground Zero as they patrolled the air space was something I never in my life thought I'd see.

I've often wondered since that day, why did she have that nose bleed? Why were we kept from going down there? What purpose do we each have that we were prevented from being there that day? I don't know if I'll ever get the answers to those questions. But I am grateful that we are still here.

I will Never Forget that fateful day.

Wishcast Wednesday-Begin

Another Wednesday, another Wishcast prompt from Jamie.

Once again, a perfectly timed prompt at that. When I first saw the prompt for today over on Facebook...my first thought that came to mind about the question "What do you wish to begin?" was...My Life.

Why that answer? Why not...my book? or my Etsy business? or cooking? or (fill in the blank)? The short answer I think is that if I'm not or can't live My Life, nothing else will fall into place.

For the last 20+ years, I've lived my life for everyone else, putting ME on the back burner. I lived for my mom, for "HIM", for my girls (this one I have no regrets on). But I never lived for me, for what I wanted, needed, dreamed. The girls aren't babies anymore, so I think I'm safe to let myself live a little.

But in order to start My Life, I need to learn to trust, to believe, to breathe, to dream, to be. Each one a difficult step in its own right, but together can appear overwhelming. But as Lao Tzu said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." I must be willing to take that step, then another and another and another...If I want to live, If I want to begin My Life.

I Should Be Careful What I Wish For...LOL

I've been wanting to remember my dreams. I even moved the dream catcher away from over my bed. I've only been remembering small segments like what I posted a few days ago, and then the ones I'm about to tell you about. (the dream portion is a crosspost from my other blog. I have followers here that I don't have there and vice versa).

Couple nights ago, I was in an old building. It was at least 2 story, but not necessarily with a second floor more like the roof was just vaulted that high. It was dim, almost like lit by candles or lanterns, and only enhanced more by the dark rain clouds outside. I could make out the think heavy timbers with dark stain that made up the walls and the ceiling. I know I was with my beloved and my eldest daughter.

We opened the door, and it was indeed raining, but moving off to our right. On opening the door I knew I was not stateside, and when I looked back at the building, I could see the heavy wood timbers and the white plaster of the building walls. Quite reminiscent of a home or shop in an old village. The clouds to the right were dark, the ones to the left were more gray. Out in front was a long dirt or stone road with a split rail fence and fields on either side of it, and a large group of trees off in the distance. Above us the clouds broke, and I could see some of the blue sky, and rays of sunshine though not the sun itself...And then a full rainbow appeared over us. I told my beloved "Kiss me quick under the rainbow." ....Then I woke up.

Last night I was where appeared to be a street in my childhood neighborhood. It was night, and there was a full moon. It was big and bright, and I found myself annoyed at the street light. I was marveling at the moon, when a smaller but reddish or orange-y red object appeared. At first I thought oh my it's Mars. But then 2 more of them appeared, like 3 moons of a red or orange-red, but they seemed fade or dim. Not bright. Together they formed a triangle...the first and smallest on the left, a larger one at the top and the third a tad smaller then the top one.

I was in awe. But if I looked at the Bright moon, the 3 went away...if I looked at the 3 the bright one went away. I thought I need my oldest to photograph, but I couldn't get to her for some reason. So I thought I would try to with my cell phone. But I couldn't focus, and they started to disappear, by the time I managed the photo there was only one remaining.

I have been looking into the meanings again of key words that jump out at me. Some of it does make sense, some I just confuse myself more. I know there may be nothing at all, or maybe some messages in these bits that I remember. I'm trying not to obsess over them, or over think them...but it's hard to not do that. Especially when this is a new area for me. Any insights would be most welcome.

Mercury, Why Must You Mess with Me??

UGH! Dear old Mercury is in retrograde again until September 12th and all he's been doing is making my emotions go crazy! I've just been feeling overly sensitive about just about everything. Could cry about most things at the drop of a hat the last couple days.

I've also been having the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling. Feeling like I need to walk on eggshells because one wrong word or action, the wrong tone of voice and BOOM all hell would break loose. I hate the 'walking on eggshells' feeling, I've had to do it all my life and hate it.

So I've just kinda been trying to focus on keeping myself calm and not over react to things, which is like almost impossible as it feels like someone kicked my sensitivity into overdrive. I really need to learn how to cope with Mercury better.

Week of 8/23

Inharmony's weekly horoscopes are up and once again is spot on as usual.

scorpio- with mercury retrograding in your 11th house of friendships and community connections the coming weeks are a perfect time to rethink, review and revise who you connect with and why. old friends from the past can come back into the picture- for closure or perhaps reconnection- as can old hopes and dreams you may have forgotten about. reconnecting with those who are really important and releasing those whose time has come is part of your mercury retrograde process. confronting deep fears around death, sex and power can also arise. these are your areas of life (scorpio rules all of them) but exploring your own deep fears is very different than probing other's. shamanistic journeys abound in the coming weeks- with friends or alone they can be quite fruitful if you allow yourself to go deeper than you've ever gone before.

I've been pondering of late, friends of my past wondering how things would be if we were still close. I know that some friends are just for a season, but back then as I think about it the season consisted only of what I could give them. I need to stop dwelling on such things and let it all go and move on to other things and new friends. I've also been pondering what are some old hopes and dreams I may have forgotten about and if they really are worth putting on my list of things to dream and do.

And with dear old Mercury in retrograde once again until September 12th, my emotions and feelings are just a mess.

Possible meanings?

So I've spent a good part of the day and some of last night, looking up key things from both dreams. I've found the following tidbits across various sites on the web. I wrote a lot down in my notebook, but I looked at so many I didn't bookmark or write down any of the web addresses. Sorry :(

I'll start with the horses. I initially thought of Epona. And while that seemed to click for me, I kept thinking there's more than one horse. And Rhiannon kept coming to mind. Horses symbolize strength, power, endurance; a white horse signifies purity, prosperity, good fortunes. Horses also symbolize hands on/spiritual healers. So then I looked up the 2 Goddesses.

Epona is a Celtic horse Goddess, other sites listed her as Gaulish. She can be seen as a Goddess of dreams, can be helpful in manifesting dreams and is a good protector to have when venturing on a new life path; also can be called upon if one is having trouble sleeping or wishing to have insightful dreams.

Rhiannon is a Welsh Goddess. She is known as a Muse for poets, artists, and royalty. She acts as a Muse bringing illuminating energy of Inspiration to writers, poets, musicians, and artists. She as been associated with Vivienne and the Lady of the Lake. One of her animal associations is the hummingbird! (I just saw one the other day after not seeing any for a couple years!) One of the associated gemstones with her is Amethyst (saw them in my second dream).

Castle can relate to past life influences.

The other dream: Beach symbolizes approach to spirituality or life. Water symbolizes spirituality, emotional state of mind, knowledge, healing, refreshment. Calm waves symbolize renewal and clarity. Crystals are associated with the healing powers of the spirit. To see crystals in you dreams signifies wholeness, purity, healing, development, and unity. May be a metaphor for something in your life that is taking shape. Crystal healer.

There seems to be some running themes and connections with both dreams. The Amethysts, healing, spirituality, new paths, writing, being a healer. Horses can also be seen as messengers from the Otherworld. One of Rhiannon's other associated animals is a dog...we just got a Yorkie last week (she was given to us).

I have been asking the Goddess to reveal herself to me, so that I may call her by name. Perhaps this is how she or they are choosing to do just that. I don't know if I am on the right track or there is some other meanings here and I'm just totally missing the point. But, it's a start.

Two Dreams, What Do They Possibly Mean?

The other night, I had a dream. Of a courtyard made of white stone with a large round fountain. People were gathered some in the courtyard near the fountain, others on a set of steps leading up to a castle (perhaps). Two large white horses came running up, splashed through the fountain and stopped before a young man amidst the crowd. He held out his hand to calm the people telling them it's alright, the horses were messengers. The young man held a helmet in his hand and wore some sort of ancient garb, possibly Roman, but this wasn't Rome. I think he may have been a prince.

Last night, I dreamed of being on a beach looking for crystals (gemstones). The tide was coming in and the waves were gently lapping at the shore. I found one fairly large (about the size of a grapefruit maybe) gem. It was tri-colored...clear at the bottom, a blue in the center and then a light purple at the top. A small piece of it broke off that was half blue half purple. I put my hand in the sand to retrieve it and spied a yellowish gem. Every time I tried to get the yellow one the waves would come and pull it away. Then as I was digging through the sand, I find another large crystal. This one was a smokey amethyst color with dark lines through it. I felt like I needed to keep digging but the water was covering the area I was searching, thus ending my dream.

I've been looking up some key word meanings on line, but I'd love to get some feed back from you guys as well. Any ideas?

Wishcast Wednesday-Fresh Start

This week Jamie asks "Where do you wish to make a fresh start?"

Loaded question there. Where don't I wish to make a fresh start is more like it.

I used to be somewhat intuitive. Over time, through various disasters in my life, loss, people putting me down, Christianity, etc...I've gotten out of touch with my feelings, out of touch with my intuition. I doubt everything and everyone a good bit of the time.

So I wish to make a fresh start in a few areas: In my life in general-to get out of a marriage that is no longer working, to learn the things I want to learn, in my path - be it Druid, Eclectic, or otherwise, in a new place ( I need to get away from where I'm at.), in my intuitive side - to learn to trust myself and others (again).

Shadowscapes Tarot

I've been wanting this deck for a while. They are just such a beautiful deck. And I won them! Woot!!! I received them in the mail today, and all I can say is wow.

Since I am so new to reading Tarot, they are probably a bit more advanced than I'm ready for. And the accompanying book, as far as card meanings, is way over my head right now. At least in the sense of what my other book gives me.

But, still, I had to try to do a reading with the deck. I shuffled the deck on and off all evening as the mood struck. Finally when I felt I was ready to draw my cards, I did so. I typically will do a 3 card spread. Tonight I drew the Knight of Pentacles, King of Wands, and Eight of Cups. Ah, the Eight of Cups, back again to smack me upside my head. I consulted the companion book first and was confused. So I turned to my other 2 books that I have, and looked on 2 websites to get a handle on what the cards meant. Then just for added information and maybe a little more clarity, I drew two more cards. First the Wheel of Fortune, and then the Three of Swords.

Mainly I feel like they are telling me what I already know in my heart. I wasn't expecting though to have such a clear reading my first go around with the deck. I have also started to a Tarot notebook to write down what cards get drawn and what their meanings are. I still don't know which deck is going to be my "go to" deck. And sometimes I try all three decks just to see if it all makes sense or not.

But this really and truly is a beautiful deck. I love the art work and the colors. They are easy to shuffle too.

What is My "Eat Pray Love"?

So Mother Moon is having a give away as I mentioned in my previous post. The premise is off of Liz Gilbert's book "Eat Pray Love", which is now a movie that was just released on Friday starring Julia Roberts. I love Julia from her "Steel Magnolia" to "Erin Brockovich" to "Eat Pray Love" and numerous other movies I've seen her in, though not the latest, and we share a birthday! I came across Liz Gilbert a few months back when I saw a post about her TED talk. She is an amazing woman.

I don't have, at present, the ability to travel the world to find myself even though there are days I wish I could just take off and go to the places I feel I need to go to find some answers about who I am. For now, I will need to make do with my search from the comforts of my little room. Well Mother Moon asked what is our "Eat Pray Love". And at first I just sat there going "WHAT?" Then I went and read her previous post in which she shared what hers was, and so I thought I'd share mine too.

My Eat: I can't list just one thing! There's PASTA! I love pasta, with a really good sauce the kind you want use a hunk of bread to sop up when the pasta is gone. And of course, Chocolate! I love dark chocolate, but not too bitter. One of my weaknesses is Ghirardelli's Raspberry filled dark chocolate. And chocolate truffles...there was this department store called A & S when I was growing up, and the one in downtown Brooklyn had a little gourmet chocolate counter and they had this truffle bar that was to die for. And then there was a Choxie's Truffle I fell in love with but can no longer find. Let's see...there's fresh herbs and spices to cook with. I love Chinese food and a good Indian Curry. Or a smooth, creamy cheesecake. Herbal teas or maybe an English Breakfast or Earl Grey...a nice White Zin would be good too...okay those last ones are drink but food and drink go together.

If I could travel to explore My Eat, I'd love to visit place like Italy, France, China, India...places where I could experience culinary delights of pure ecstasy.

My Pray: Being new the Pagan path, and trying to find my way. Pray is hard at times as I seem to still associate it with Christianity. But if I change my perspective its going out on the deck in the morning to listen to and see the birds, see the occasional Gecko, or catch glimpses of a butterfly, to feel the warmth of the sun before it gets too hot or feel a breeze wash over me. In the night, its to stand out beneath the moon when its full, gazing up at her while basking in the moonlight, silently speaking to the Goddess. There is a clearing in the woods behind the house that I liked going to, it seemed a nearly perfect circle. But I hate ticks and I think the woods are probably crawling with them and now a fence keeps me from venturing there anyway.

If I could travel to seek out my path, I would go to England to visit Glastonbury, the Tor, Stonehenge and other sacred sites. I'd visit Ireland and Scotland. Perhaps Greece or Egypt.

My Love: First I'd have to say my girls. They are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I think sometimes the only thing I did right. They are my world, my reasons for living. Then there's my Beloved. I don't know what I would do without him. He loves me no matter my ups and downs, my times of falling apart and pushing him away or the times I shine. He doesn't try to change me, he accepts me for who and what I am and who I may become. He supports me in everything I do or dream to do. He's my rock, my candle in the dark places, he's everything to me. Last is my furries...Lilly my cat in Idaho who I've not yet met but she knows me or so my beloved says, then there's Gizmo our kitty here, and our new addition Lucy the Yorkie.

My other loves are my writing (even if it is stalled right now), my (addiction) to pens and notebooks, BOOKS!, and All of You that stop by my little cyber world here and leave me your thoughts and notes of encouragement and support and advice. I love you all.

Thinking on these things was a challenge for me in some ways. But it made me think. I helps me to put things in perspective. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers. So what's your "Eat Pray Love"?

Awesome Give Away at Mother Moon.

Hey everyone, stop by Mother Moon's blog. She's having an awesome "Eat Pray Love" give away.

Today I Saw....

A beautiful little hummingbird.

As I was talking on the phone with my beloved this morning, I went out on deck to see the butterfly that flew past the window. Curious to see what kind it was and if it stopped by my butterfly bush, to my delight it did. It was a Swallowtail I believe. As I was telling my beloved that it was the first butterfly I'd seen in a long time. Just as I was about to say, I haven't seen any hummingbirds in like forever....one flew past, stopped at the bush and hovered for less than a minute then flew off.

So I wondered what is the meaning of the hummingbird. Here is what I've found online:

*Bobby Lake-Thom/Spirits of the Earth:
Hummingbird is a very good sign. She is a good-luck messenger. She takes our prayers to the Great Creator. She is a doctor and healer. The Hummingbird has the power to travel long distances under great odds and obstacles. Her colors promote healing and balance. She is very smart and very spiritual. She can teach us how to soul-travel, develop psychic powers of the mind, and how to be graceful.

*Hummingbird medicine is herbal; it shows us how to use flowers for healing.
They teach us how to draw life essence from flowers
and create your own medicines.

This totem reminds us to explore the past and extract the sweetness from it.
It can help you find joy and sweetness in any situation.
Grab joy as swiftly as you can.

*In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It's a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing.

Animal-Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small

By: Ted Andrews

*(from rainbowcrystal.com)The hummingbird is unique in that it can fly not only forward, but backward and sideways. It also has an unusual hovering pattern, and can move its wings in a figure eight pattern -- a symbol for infinity.

*This flying pattern also has meaning for us. So often, we find ourselves stuck in time: lost in regret about or longing for the past, or hoping (often without much true hope) that the future will be better, hanging our dreams on a distant cloud.

*Hummingbird shows us how to re-visit the past for the purpose of releasing it instead of being caught in a permanently backward flight pattern. It also helps us to see that if we step aside we may see our life differently.

*Hummingbird teaches us to transcend time, to recognize that what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future is not nearly as important as what we are experiencing now. It teaches us to hover in the moment, to appreciate its sweetness.

And since I saw them both, here's what I've found on butterflies:
*Butterfly - Transformation.Butterfly fearlessly leaves the safety of its cocoon to meet a new world in a new form, trusting its untried wings to allow it to fly. It is a powerful symbol for anyone who's contemplating or in the midst of a major change.

*The Russian word for butterfly is bábochka. It is a diminutive form of "babka" meaning grandmother, also called "babushka". Incidently, this is also true for Polish, Babka or Babci means Grandmother. A babka is also a cake (very delicious too I might add :D)

*The Ancient Greek word for "butterfly" is psȳchē, which primarily means 'soul' or 'mind'.

*Butterflies are also seen as the symbol of rebirth.

So maybe, this is nature's way of trying to tell me something. I'm trying to make it a point to pay some more attention to the world around me, as I have asked the Goddess to show me what to do and guide me there. Never know where the answers will come from.

Week of 8/9/10...

Heh, gotta love the date we won't see that for another hundred years. Anywho, Inharmony put up this weeks horoscopes. And as usual, resonates some with me. The forging a new life path, dealing with fears, confronting and dealing with beliefs, etc.

She also says to pay attention to my dreams, now this is the second time this week I've read this. The problem is though....I'm having trouble remembering anything from my dreams. And if I do remember something, it's weird and crazy and makes no sense at all, and are such small snippets I can't glean anything from them.

I can see the need to deal with fears especially when it comes to my relationship with my beloved, and the forging of a new life path (with my beloved and of my own with my studies and possibly selling my crafts). I can also relate to the need to deal with and getting past ingrained beliefs on a spiritual level. I just wish I could remember my dreams or the at least the portions of importance, for there is where the answers to some of my questions lie.


Inharmony says:
scorpio- monday's new moon falls in your 10th house of career and standing in the world pointing to the way out of all the grand cross intensity that has been dynamically activating your chart (and the world) over the past several weeks. any situations involving work, health, communication or deep unconscious fears can be dealt with by starting a new chapter in your life path- but the new chapter that asks to be written will not be easy or quick. it requires work and pruning away of the old- this new moon demands we deal with anything we are not acknowledging! meanwhile venus, mars and saturn are aligned in your 12th house of the unconscious bringing important lessons about self-mastery of the yin and yang within into play. confronting deeply held beliefs and patterns about what the feminine and masculine are and what you are allowed to portray can open up a whole new way of being- but the confrontation of the unconscious required ain't no walk in the park. with your 12th house so highly activated paying attention to your dreams is key. answers come in the middle of the night that the ego would never allow to come in the light of the day. pay attention to the signs- and let your Soul, rather than your ego, interpret them.

These Are A Start

So I've been trying to think of ways to maybe earn some money. Michael's had a great sale a couple weeks ago on the Sugar & Cream brand yarn, so I invested in some (like maybe 20 skeins of it? lol) Then I found a fairly simple pattern to make some cute little bags that I could do while I got used to the rhythm of crocheting again. My last big project was some "Harry Potter" themed scarves back in like 2005!

I plan to make more. I've gotten used to the pattern, and found a new way to start it thanks to a wonderful Youtube video on "how to do a magic circle" (how fitting, don't you think?)

My first 3 or so were done as per the pattern, they are prototypes as I was learning the pattern. The lighter colored ones which ended up in line with the pattern's size description were done using the magic circle to start it technique.

My plan is to start selling them on Etsy at some point. I just don't know what or how to do that. I don't have a 'store' name, or know how to price such things, or even if they are good enough to sell. But here's a sneak peak at what they look like. I hope to include some shawls, and perhaps if I can master the pattern some larger bags.

Here's hoping to a start of something good.

Blessed Lammas

I wish you all a Blessed Lammas/Lughnasadh.

I'm not sure yet how I will honor the day. I don't have any of the supplies I would need to do a proper honoring of the day. I was thinking perhaps to make some bread (shhh...don't tell it's a box mix) or maybe some corn bread (it's boxed too lol). None of my veggies have anything I can pick yet. But maybe I can harvest some herbs for drying and saving. I have plenty of sage I can pick and some cilantro, thyme and lemon balm.

I will take time to thank the God and Goddess for what I do have: my children, my beloved, my health.

And I'm thankful for each and every one of you that have read and commented on my posts.

Love you all! Bright Blessings and May the Goddess Smile Upon You Always!

Not Sure How to Take That

Ever notice how sometimes it's hard to know the intent of someone's words when you read them instead of hear them? That's kind of how I am about one of the responses I got to my last post. My first thought was to come out swinging and rant back at the commenter. So, I took a couple days to settle my feathers.

Seeing as how my followers dropped by one, I can assume she meant it just how she said it. Should you read this I'm sorry if what I write offends you or if you got upset because I chose not to have him arrested for selling what I feel wasn't his right to sell.

If I knew when I had money what I know now, I probably wouldn't have left then either. But I didn't know how things would be 3-4 years later. But you know me and the kids were reeling from the death of my grandma who was a HUGE part of our lives. Even if I could have or would have left then, it probably would have sent them both over the edge. So even still back then if I had known that what he's doing is emotional abuse, I don't think I'd have left, not then.

And for the record, it's only been the last couple of years that I was even aware that it's emotional/psychological abuse. Grasping that reality in itself is rather difficult. There are days I still find it difficult to comprehend. Emotional abuse is subtle sometimes and difficult to prove, even the lawyer told me that.

You know maybe you're right, maybe I won't ever leave. I don't know what the future holds. It's sad that you think I'm writing my blog just to complain and that I enjoy complaining. I write here because it's an outlet that I can freely express what I'm thinking and feeling, so sorry you can't see that. If I was able to see a counselor I'd be telling them more or less the same things I write here. Would that be considered complaining as well?

If my posts have been coming off as complaining, to you my followers I apologize. I thought I was using my blog as a means of expressing how I felt and what was going on in my head. It was never my intent to offend anyone. It amazes me too that one person's comment has me considering deleting my blogs. Maybe I don't have a blog of substance after all.

I'm a Bit Calmer Now

So this past week seems to have been a massive rollercoaster ride. I don't do rollercoasters!

I've tried to focus on calming myself down over Dipshit's latest fiasco. "HE's" still acting very ladi-da about it. Some suggestions were made that I have "HIM" arrested for what "HE's" done. And believe me the thought crossed my mind. But my conclusion was this: they were in "HIS" possession (though grandma let "HIM" have them with the restriction of they couldn't ever be sold...I swear she's rolled over in a her grave a few times), it would have a negative affect on "HIS" job, and probably more importantly when the time comes that I should leave it's something "HE" can't use against me. The calmer I keep things, the less I provoke "HIM" with shit now, I'm hoping the outcome down the road will be better. I know the later is probably wishful thinking on my part, but I can wish nonetheless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still very pissed about the whole thing. But I've decided to let Karma bite "HIM" in the ass and not me.

What's more important right now is me figuring out what is most important to me to take when I leave. There are really only 3 large pieces that I want to keep with me, no 4 probably. The rest is like her set of china, some crystal glasses that were my great-grandma's, my books!, pictures, my scrapbooks and supplies, my craft stuff....when all would be said and done, probably wouldn't even fill up a small U-haul.

My grandma's voice keeps echoing in my mind. I think she knew, and I think she may have even been encouraging me to leave "HIM" once she was gone. One of the last conversations we had was that whatever money was left over after she was buried was for me and the girls 'in case of an emergency'. If I had that money now, IF "HE" hadn't blown through it in a matter of months (no "HE" didn't have access to it directly, but when you need to keep utilities on or get cut off, and then the payment on the new car "HE" just HAD TO HAVE....it went fast. Even when I kept telling "HIM" over and over, that the money wasn't meant to be used for that..."HE" didn't care)...any way, If I still had the money, it would have been enough more me to get out and hold me over a month or two, maybe three at most. But it's all gone, every penny. Just one more way for "HIM" to make sure I was totally dependent on "HIM" with no means of getting out.

The sad part is though, I can't see myself leaving. I can't see myself away from "HIM". I try and I try and I try...but to no avail. My beloved has been looking for a place where he's at, and has found a likely one. He's been looking for a job in the area of the apartment as well. I try to see myself and the girls away from here, away from Dipshit...but try as I might, I can't see it. All I see is darkness, and I feel chained, bound. I think I've figured out why I feel like someone or something is working against me, too. You see Dipshit's sister is a crackpot, bible thumping, scripture quoting, my god is better than yours Christian. And they've been talking A LOT!!! And I think "HE'S" got her and her band of merry followers 'praying for me' that I'll come around to my senses and yea...you get the picture I'm sure. I don't know how to fight against that, I don't know how to break that chain. I mean I don't even know for sure that's what it is, but it does make the most sense.

I want out so desperately, I just don't know how I can do it. I don't know how I can leave.

I AM LIVID!

I'm so angry right now that my chest is one tight knot. I am just so pissed!

Dipshit sold my grandfather's ring and my grandfather's very old watch. He didn't ask me if I was okay with this, he didn't ask me how I felt about it. When I told him call your sister and ask her to hold off on cashing the check that he gave her for money he borrowed, he was all just like 'yea I guess I can ask her if she didn't put it through already.' And NEVER even made an effort to get off his ass and call her.

Today he came home, and was all like so I got about 250 for both. And I'm looking at him going "what? huh?"..."He's like the ring and watch, I sold them." He said it like he was telling me he picked up milk and eggs or asking me how's the weather. Like it was no big deal. But FUCK! It is a big deal! They were my grandfather's, they are irreplaceable and he had no right. My grandmother must be rolling over in her grave about now.

I'm so damn pissed I can't even think straight and it's giving me a headache.

What right does he have to do that? He didn't sell his chain from his sister, nor did he sell his wedding band. But he had no trouble at all selling what wasn't his to sell. I think I'm going to be sick.

Riding the Rollercoaster of Emotions

It's been a hell of a week. I've just been such a bundle of emotions lately...scared, nervous, crying (is that in emotion?), angry...I feel like I've been a mess.

The fear that grips me when I think or talk about leaving tends to send me on this wild rollercoaster ride of overwhelming emotions. I want to run, but have no where to hide. Putting everything into words ends up being futile, so it makes me angry. The fears, they paralyze me. So in the end, I just end up crying my eyes out by the end of almost everyday.

Lately my beloved and I have been talking that maybe it would be better for me and the girls to move there, rather than he come here. It would give us a chance to start fresh, a chance to breathe. But the thoughts of leaving things behind put me into a sad state. Much of what I want to keep with me, both large and small, are mostly things that were my grandma's. Then of course there are my scrapbook photo albums, my pictures not yet placed in said albums, and my books...I can't leave my books...or my computer. To some...many of these might seem trivial, but not to me. Having lost everything once, I can't bear to go through it again. Nor do I want the girls to experience that.

The other thing that's been weighing on me is if my young one will stay with me. She's been fighting the idea of moving to my beloved. And that's just been almost more than I can take. I cannot leave her behind, yet I cannot continue to stay and live this way. I sat down with her the other night to talk with her. Telling her how I've been afraid she might not want to leave. I even told her that if she did not want me with my beloved, that I would give him up for her and her sister. That their happiness meant more to me than my own. And if staying here was what would make them happy, I'd give him and do so.

She was stunned and totally shocked that I'd be willing to give him up for her. She said she didn't want that. And all she wants is for me to be happy and she knows that my beloved makes me happy. She just feels sorry for dipshit and what it will be like if/when we leave.

And now tonight...dipshit drops a bombshell in my lap and tells me well we're short money (again). That if I pay the 2 bills that must be paid and he pays back his sister we'd be broke till payday (again). I told him if I don't pay the electric they will cut it off tomorrow. The cable will do the same if they aren't paid in the next day or two, I'd be lucky if we got to Wednesday. So his solution...to sell the ring that was my grandfather's that my grandma had given to him. Well it was more of like she let him wear it, but anyway. His words were to the effect of "I know its like an heirloom and all, such a shame to sell it, but we need the cash. And so if you have any gold items we can sell give them to me so I can see what I can get for them." I wanted to say "YEA! Take the fucking wedding ring I don't wear anymore you dumb fuck. You can sell that and that any thing else you gave me. 'Cause I don't want your shit no more." But, I didn't say anything I was too flabbergasted that he wants to sell something that really isn't his to sell.

I'm so damn aggravated it's not funny. I'm making myself sick over this bastard. And all he can do is imply it's everyone's fault but his that there's never enough money. I can't go spending the money, I'm not on the accounts anymore. All I can do is log in to the bill pay sites to click a button to pay a bill...that's it. And even that I don't do with out telling him what needs to be paid and wait for the okay.

Will it ever stop? Will I ever get out of here? All I can think at the moment is "Calgon, take me away!" But, for some reason...that's not working. So I can only hope for change instead.

Eight of Cups

I've been questioning things a lot lately. Especially when it comes to my relationship(s). Do I leave "HIM"? Do I strive to make a future with my beloved? Do I/we move to a new place/city/state? So many questions and emotions that I've been struggling with lately, it's been a rough week.

I've been wondering if I'm giving up and throwing away 20 years of marriage out of selfishness. Those feelings of it's all in my head and I'm not trying hard enough have been rearing up again. Then my youngest acting like if she has to choose who to be with if I did leave that she'd choose "HIM" because "HE" has the money.

My beloved and I were talking a few days ago and if we were together, maybe we could look at going to and living in Seattle. So I tossed that out to the girls and right off the youngest said, "NO! I'm not going there. I like it here and don't want to move there." So then I feel guilty and selfish that I would want to move somewhere to get a fresh start and maybe be closer to places that I can study the things I want. Like how dare I want things for me, who do I think I am to want anything for myself to be happy?

Well today I was messing around with my decks and even played around with a couple of online readings, and one card that kept coming up in almost every reading was the Eight of Cups. I read the meaning the first time I drew with my Mystic Dreamer's deck. And the thing that jumped out at me was "compelling her to leave her past behind, and strike out on a new journey." Looking up the meaning in another book, it states "Just as this card shows, you now turn your back on the situation and walk away from it, as it no longer fulfills you. ...Frequently this represents something that has held you back for a long time but, due to the amount of emotional investment, you found it difficult to walk away and move on,..."

So I looked up the meaning online as well, here are somethings I've found it means:
focusing on personal truth
looking for answers
concentrating on what is important
starting on a journey of discovery

devoting more time to the spiritual

moving on

realizing the current cycle is over
abandoning a hopeless situation
disentangling yourself
letting go
finishing up and walking away

One area that will often be indicated by the appearance of this card is the sort of relationship in which you consistently give too much, and receive very little back in return.

When you are finally fed up with it and you turn to a Tarot reading to show you the way, the Eight of Cups says that it is just time to leave. When a relationship is getting abusive, when a friend is increasingly disrespectful, when a parent cannot accept you are now an adult who must make independent decisions, the Eight of Cups indicates that it is time to go.

Meanings for the card were found here, here, and here. I think I had done a total of 5 different readings, and the 8 of cups turned up in I think at least 3 of them. What I seem to be getting is that it's time for me to move on, time to walk away and start over. I can't do that here, not really. There's nothing for me here, no friends or family, not that there would be anything in Seattle if I/we moved there except for a new start and hopefully a better life. It doesn't answer what to do about my youngest. The oldest will be 18 in January, so the choice is totally hers at that point, though she has stated many times if I left now she would go with me no matter what or where.

I keep going back to the thoughts of what the reader told me back in May, and what my own readings have shown thus far. Hers said I will get out of this relationship and start anew with my beloved, mine have been showing me that I need to leave and that a new relationship is there for me.

If this is indeed the path I'm to take, I will need a lot of strength and courage to do this and deal with all the fall out from it. Especially when it comes to what happens with my youngest. I don't know what she will do or how to handle it. I would like her to be with me, but for as much as she says she wants us to leave it seems she is just as content for us to stay. Goddess help me!

I Write Like...WHO? OMG

So there's this site that my daughter told me about, and it seems to be the rage at the moment....especially for shits and giggles....But hell I love when I put in a piece of writing and I get this:

I write like
J. K. Rowling

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Want to know who you write like? Check it out here!

While Looking for Pagan Music I Found This Band

Came across the band on YouTube looking for some Pagan music. The group's name is Omnia...this is their song "Alive!"

Hope you enjoy!

Focus

So, Jamie's prompt this week sort of hit the target. I've been feeling like I need to really focus on things, but there's so much I need to focus on I don't know how to do it all or in what order.

Like for example...we can all agree I need to focus on getting out of here, preferably with both my girls. In order to do that, I need to focus on making some money hopefully without "HIM" knowing. I need to focus on my studies, it's obvious I can't be an herbalist if I don't study. I am feeling pulled to the Druid path, I can't explain it, but I need to study it at least for awhile. Again that requires more focus.

And here's the thing, when I try to study I just can't stay focused. My mind wanders...to all the other things and so much more. When I start to focus on me, I feel guilty, and I'm called selfish that I'm only thinking of myself. I end up spending most of my time trying to make sure everyone else is happy and trying to keep the peace.

Wishcast Wednesday-Focus

Today's question by Jamie is "What do you wish to focus on?"

I've kinda been thinking about that lately. I have some many things I want to do or need to do, and I don't know what to focus on or in what order.

I feel like I need to focus on me, but then that makes me feel selfish. I need to focus on my studies (Druidry, herbalism, tarot, etc.). I want/need to focus on creating things to try to sell so I can attempt to make some income for myself.

Some how I wish to focus on all these things.

Just wow! Weekly horoscope

I've recently started following Inharmony's astrology blog. The last 2-3 weeks or so her astrology report for my sign has been pretty on the money with how I've been feeling.

Lately I've been feeling like there's going to be a shift in my Path. I've been feeling the need to start studying a particular path. Well I've been feeling quite alot of things lately, some of which I cannot put into words as I don't really understand it. But this week's reading makes alot of sense to me and I feel like it's spot on once again.

scorpio- week of 7/5-7/12
the eclipses are activating your 3rd and 9th houses of lower mind and higher mind, creating major changes in how you think and perceive the world around you. the lunar eclipse two weeks ago helped unearth any shadow around dogma or tendency to rigid or conservative thinking- and the last couple weeks have involved confronting that and releasing what needs to be released. saturday's solar eclipse falls in your 9th house, helping you to start a whole new spiritual and philosophical journey that is aligned with more of who you really are. right now or over the coming months you may find yourself traveling afar, signing up for classes, or taking a metaphysical journey of some sort. whatever it is- the purpose is to expand your understanding of the Universe, and as such also of yourself. as you liberate your mind, more of what is Truth can come to you. let go.

Juggling Isn't As Easy As He Thought It Would Be

So, it's the first of the month and we're broke... How the hell we're broke? I haven't got at damnedest clue. We've got more bills due in the next 5 days then there is money in the bank. And there's not even anything left over to buy gas or groceries. Luckily we don't need anything food wise right this second, but still...there's nothing left over.

"HE" thought, thinks "HE" can do a better job at making sure things are paid. "HE" controls all the finances now. I can't even pay a bill online without letting "HIM" know, nor can I go grocery shopping without "HIM" present since I'm not on the bank account and "HE" never put me back on. It seems "HE" firmly believes I'm the reason for the financial situation. So once the bankruptcy was final...I was never put back on the account. Yet, "HE" doesn't think that "HIS" daily $5-$8 lunches, or "HIS" at least every other day purchases of wine or a 6 pack is contributing to the mess. I figure on average, "HE" spends $40 a week on eating out when half the time there are perfectly good left overs "HE" can take for lunch.
And then factor in the $6 for a 6 pack here, or the $7 bottle of wine there (that's gone in a day or two)...and yea the shit adds up quick.

I learned at an early age...16, 18...something like that (thanks Mom) how to have to juggle money to make sure shit gets paid and still have money for food. Of course I didn't need gas money for a car back then either because A) no car/didn't drive (still don't) and B) public transportation or being able to walk to where I needed was awesome. (SHIT! I miss NY). But thanks to her and her lack of money skills...and her thought that well she raised me for 16 years so now I was supposed to take care of her mentality....I learned. And juggling finances is no easy feat...but "HE" still thinks "HE" can do better so....more power too "HIM".

The stress of it all is just too much on me. I can't take living like this, I can't take living with "HIM". I need to get outta here...soon. Well...I can wish anyway.

Epic Trailer for Harry Potter Fans!

It's no secret to those that know me and my eldest that Harry Potter is king in our house. We've counted down to every movie and book release. Went to the last 2 or 3 midnight releases of the books. Attended the opening weekend showings of the last couple films. Much as we'd have liked to attend every opening immediately it wasn't always possible.

Now are journey with Harry on the big screen is coming to an end. We've been waiting patiently or trying to but with the release of the epic trailer today, November is too far away. The trailer can be viewed here.