Passion

Some where along the way, I've lost my passion. I think I've known this for quite some time now. I just haven't been able to or wanted to admit it. It's kinda got me down realizing it and admitting that I've lost my passion. And not just for one thing, but a lot of things. I think it really hit me that I'd lost it while watching "Master Chef" these last few weeks.

Watching that show, made me realize I'd lost my passion for cooking. I love(d) to cook. Most times I miss it. When my grandma was alive she would often praise my cooking. If something was too salty or not seasoned enough she'd tell me and I would know she was right as my own palette would confirm it. Or if I thought, it's missing something but cannot put my finger on it...she would offer suggestions and then we'd be 'that's it!...yes! it's missing xxxx or yyyy.' But when you get criticised needlessly over and over and over, when you know a dish is good and 'someone' comes along and tells you things that aren't even wrong with it....after a while, you just don't want to cook or even try anymore. But I do realize that I miss it...cooking my way...a lot.

Next up, my writing. I think it's more than just writer's block. I think it's more than my Muse has gone silent. Maybe, perhaps part of her silence is that I lost my passion. I've shared with VERY few people my meager attempts at writing something. I got critiqued on voice, on that I need to show not tell so much...which were welcomed and expected. I figured I could fix the 'show and tell' on revision...it was more important to get the ideas down than to worry if I was "telling" too much. But, some time after Grandma's death, I fell into this rut and slowly lost my passion to pick up a pen and write or continue writing the WiP. And having 'him' tell me what 'he' thought and still thinks I should be writing doesn't help much. Thankfully I had the wisdom to not share with 'him' my work.

Then there's my crafts. I've spent way more than I ever should have on getting supplies and such only to face discouragement from 'you know who'. I like to leave my work out when I'm doing it so that I can just pick up where I left off. Granted in the beginning the dining table may have posed a small problem, especially with my scrapbooking, but I'd just move my open album with my current work stacked on it to the coffee table temporarily. But it wasn't enough. 'He' always wanted me to put it all away everytime. Then there were the complaints about the cost of developing the film, later it was the cost of printing from digital. I couldn't win. 'He' discouraged my scrapbook business because in 'his' opinion it wasn't making enough money for 'his' liking. Eventually my clients stopped coming to my crops one by one. Some, long before we left the church where most of my clients came from. I think now, part of it was they just didn't want to be around 'him'.

I wanted to learn to sew. 'He' got me a sewing machine one Christmas. I was clueless how to use it. But I eventually muddle through making a couple of small things. Again...you just can put things away when you're in the middle of a project. But, with 'him' you have to. So if 'he' wasn't mad that I would leave the work out, 'he' was mad because I didn't have a vast array of homemade items done on it...like curtains and drapes for all the rooms. That was before the gripe about how much it would cost for material.

For reading...I used to love to read. I still do, but I don't as often anymore. I used to go through several books a week, now I'm lucky if I get through one a month.

Okay, maybe my passion was actually stolen from me, rather than lost. As I re-read the post, almost everything I was passionate about was lost at the hands, well words and actions of one person. Sadly, I allowed 'him' to have that sort of control. And now, I want it back. I want my passion back! For cooking, reading, gardening, crafting, writing, learning....I want my passion back!!!! And I want it now!