I'm still here

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything. But, I just feel like I haven't had much worth saying. Everytime I thought about blogging something, it just sounded ... I don't know ... lame, pointless?

I've been feeling down since just before Thanksgiving. Four years ago, my grandma...my rock, passed away on Thanksgiving. Add to that having to deal with "HIS" sister and her holy roller friend. Follow that up with wishing I was with my beloved. And now leading into Christmas, I'm feeling even more down because it reminds me how much I miss my Dad who passed Christmas Eve 1994. My family seems to have a knack for dying on the holidays lol. And of course, having to be here with "HIM" makes me miss my beloved even more. Then "HIS" sister is coming again and this time bringing their niece. I think what pisses me off even more, is that I/we are EXPECTED to cook and host the holidays. Never once even when it was known we couldn't afford it, even now we can't...has anyone in "HIS" family said you know let's give you guys a break and we'll do it. NO! It's always...what time should we come over?

And "HE" keeps making all these plans to do this or that, to travel here and there. All I can keep thinking is with what money? And of course "HE" tells this to the girls, who get their hopes up. And for what? To be let down? I hate the empty promises "HE" makes all the time. I hate what it does to the girls when they get let down.

I don't belong here, I know I don't. Every bone in my body cries out that I'm supposed to be some where else. But, I don't know where that is. Some days I think, I should just pack what I can take and leave everything else behind. And other days, I feel like I can't leave certain things behind because they were left to me by my grandmother. I just wish I knew what the answer was as to what I should do.