New Year's Eve

In all likelihood, it will be a quiet one around here.  In which we may or may not even stay awake long enough to see the ball drop (on TV of course!).   I don't have any of the usual fare on hand to ring in the new year either. No herring, no cabbage, no Pączki which around these parts are only sold around Fat Tuesday if you're lucky.  

I might have a silver coin around here somewhere though.  Hard to keep up with the traditions I grew up  with.  I can maybe find the herring I like, but with me being the only one who'd eat....seems like a waste to buy it because I will not eat it all before it goes bad.  No one around here sells the really small jars like my mom used to get.  Back in Brookly, I could get Paczki whenever I wanted them living in a Polish neighborhood.  And as much as I'd love to have some stuffed cabbage, I don't know how to cook small when it comes to that, and really don't feel like going to the store.  

Eh, that's okay really.  I never really noticed an improvement in luck status by doing or not doing some of these  traditions.

I'm not making any resolutions.  I stopped doing that forever ago. Back in 2011 I guess it was, I discovered choosing a word of the year.  So far, most of the words I've chosen have been spot on. I like to think the words that have chosen me have been more powerful.  Like when I chose FREEDOM back in 2011. Or DREAM, a couple of years....I sure did a lot of that.  This year was SURRENDER.  I didn't know what to expect with that, but I do think I did some surrendering this year.

Next year's word is SACRED.  It chose me. And it scares the shit of me.   I believe in Latin it is Sacre, which if you move letters around you have the word scare or cares.  HMMM!  

Some things I'd like to accomplish this year: 

• Write more.  Maybe a goal of 250 words a day(ish).
• Make more art.  I'm taking part in Lifebook this year. That should have me making art all year long. Plus I want to work through Effy's Boot Camp and some of the other lessons I have saved.
• Take more photos.  Learn my camera and get comfortable with it.  I mean shit I've only had it for 3 years!  It's about time I do that, I think.
• Do more of what I love and what makes me happy.  IE: Read more books!
• Keep listening to my body and practice self care.  Eat better when possible, rest when my body says rest, definitely try to drink more water.

Will I do all that I want to do, maybe I don't know.  I usually start off with the greatest of intentions.  Then the calendar flips and I don't do much of what I intended to do.

And now, I want to take a moment to thank all of you how have stuck with me since I've been blogging here.  Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.  

I  wish you all, followers and passers by alike, a very Happy New Year!  May it be happy, healthy, and prosperous for us all.

What A Couple Of Days!

We got caught up in the internet outage over the last couple of days.  Crazy how reliant we can be on the internet for things.  One local supermarket could only accept cash or checks for purchases.  A medical group couldn't access it's patient files.  Not to mention that 911 was also down in many areas!!  What...A...Mess!!!

Wednesday we had the fur boy back at the vet because of his uncooperative ear.  Then we were back AGAIN today.  Now he has what resembles a shoelace threaded through the holes to help his ear drain.  He's miserable but hopefully this is the last trip until we get the lace removed in 21 days.  He's being placed on prednisone too.

If we should ever have another pet need hematoma surgery they are getting the incision and stitches. Screw this piercing shit.

Hopefully he won't pull at the lace and hopefully they won't get sealed up again.  We're supposed apply warm compresses every 12 hours and tug gently to make sure the holes are open.  If any fluid builds we're suppose to gently press  it out through the holes.  ME....I can't do it.  Thankfully there are 2 people here that can handle it.

Let the weekend be uneventful please!

Happy Day After

It's the day after Christmas. We made it through.  By 2:30 everyone had left and we had a quiet rest of the afternoon.  Everyone seemed happy with their gifts, or so I hope.

I love all of mine!  I got a salt lamp, a set of Harry Potter themed necklaces and a bracelet to match one of them.  CANDY!!!  A set of paints that I am really excited to try out.  And my favorite surprise was a sloth coloring book.   I'm into sloths right now.  It was quite  by accident, but I am totally hooked on these things.  I've never a seen sloth themed book, so I was quite  tickled by it.

Physically, I'm exhausted.  But for the most part in a good way.  Except for last night, didn't sleep worth anything.  Couldn't get comfortable, my hips and legs hurt.  But mostly just worried about my boy.

We had to take my tuxedo boy to the vet on Friday because he had a hematoma form on his ear.  Back in May, he had it on the left and it was surgically treated.  Now it's the right ear.  They did a different procedure on it and the first day or so, it was draining.  But late Saturday into Sunday, it started filling back up. By Christmas Eve night it was completely full again.  We had called the vet around noon, but there wasn't enough time to get him back in and treated before they closed.  So we had to drop him off when they opened this morning.  It did drain a bit last night finally, but by this morning it was half full again. SIGH!!!!!!!!!!   Have no idea what they are doing yet or when they'll check on him.  Not exactly how we planned to spend the day.

I have a hunch that if they have to do another surgery, he may end up spending the night even.    When they did the surgery on Friday, it was in the morning and when we picked him up in the late afternoon he was really out of it.  If they don't do anything and it's surgery until this afternoon, I don't see how they could let us take him home.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see though until we hear from them.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!!

Pictures of my baby from a couple of Christmases ago.

My Word For 2019

Usually by this point of December, I am on the hunt for my word for the new year.  Instead of making resolution that will no doubt be broken before the first week is over, I have been choosing a word.  You can choose a phrase too, if that works better.  I know some that pick two or three words for the year.  Some even go so far as to pick a new word each month.  But I like the idea of focusing on one word for the year.

I guess I first heard about this process about ten years ago, but I didn't start choosing my word until 2011 when I chose FREEDOM.  That was such a big word for me.  It was scary and big and I think it showed up in amazing ways that year.  Since then, I've had some hits and misses where I had my word but feel like I might have missed the mark with a few here and there.

This year, I didn't even have to think about my word.  It actually surprised me by showing up shortly after Thanksgiving.  I felt a little uncomfortable with it because of the potential religious undertones it can have.  So I wrote it down. And then a phrase came to mind like a day or so later.  And that really shook things up in me.  Again because of the religious nature of one of the words. So, I have just been sitting with them these last couple of weeks. What I have noticed is the word itself has been coming to me now from many MANY directions.  Kind of the way DREAM did for me a couple of years back.

So a little background about why these words took me off guard.  I was raised Catholic.  Nine years of Catholic school, going to Mass on and off for those years.  A brief return to the Church in 2004/2005 or so.  Growing up, it was expected that you took the priests/nuns at their word.  That you weren't to question religious lessons or them for that matter.  Though I was always fascinated by the ritual of Mass, save the up/down/kneel up/down/kneel for an hour lol. 

Between 1991 and 2003 or so.  I was attending one nondenominational church or another.  One thing I found was that all those people that wanted you saved and reading the bible and praying....not one was willing to answer questions.  It's like a race to save as many people as they can, then they toss them into the deep end without teaching them how to swim.  And so many churches and pastors preach a 'my way or the highway' type thing.  If you believe a little differently or question something, you're basically shunned.  It seems more prevalent with smaller churches.  In the larger, mega churches, you don't really have access to the pastor or leaders. 

At some point, I realized I felt, thought, and believed differently than those I was associated with.  I started feeling called by the Goddess and have wanted to explore that path. But here I am, some 15 or so years later and I haven't done much exploring. I feel like in some ways I have been in a sort of limbo or wandering in circles.

So I was quite surprised when the word SACRED came to me.  I was ready to be all "NOPE! Not gonna happen!" and run screaming from it.  But I paused for a moment and instead decided to sit with it.  I have rarely stuck with the first word that came to mind before entering the new year.  I began to notice almost every day the word SACRED was coming to me from various directions.  And then I began to feel the Goddess tugging at me again.  Specifically Cerridwen, who came to me about that time 15 years ago.

Days later after the word came to me, the phrase "Art as Prayer and Practice" came to me.  And again, I wanted to run screaming in the other direction from the word Prayer.  Many words that have religious overtones and are associated with church and religion just bring up negative emotions and feelings in me.  But still, I wrote down the words anyway and agreed to sit with it as well.

The more I sit with all this, the more if  feels right.  So, I am not going to fight it.  I am going to let the Goddess Cerridwen lead and I will do my best to follow into the SACRED.   To let her lead me into the creative life I so desire.

I don't know how this is going to work out, or where it is going to lead. I am so looking forward to LIFEBOOK 2019.  Bummed a bit that I can't take part in Book of Days and/or Moonshine with Effy Wild.   Women Unleashed starts tomorrow, yay! 

The words "If not now, when" keeps coming to mind.  If I don't make the time and create the space for me that I want now, then when will I?   I keep putting things off, time and time again.  How long will I keep denying myself?  Am I  not worth it?

Ebb And Flow

That's how it feels some days.  The pain ebbs and flows, like the tide.  It's down from what it was after Thanksgiving.  But Christmas is just around the corner, which means I'll be pushing myself until the holidays have passed.  Which no doubt will mean a few high pain days ahead.  I think starting the new year, I will keep track of all my pain days and new symptoms as they crop up.  Every week lately, it seems like I have something new to experience.  Just grateful none have been debilitating.  Unless you count my foot deciding to cramp up as we were walking around the holiday light display in town while the hip of my opposite leg decided to flare.  I must have been a sight to see on the way back to the car!!!!

 At least for Christmas we aren't doing a big sit down dinner.  We've gone to a fairly casual, grazing finger foods and sandwiches.  Chips and dip, deli meats and cheeses, a couple of salads.  This year we're not even doing the cookie day and instead opting for each of us to make them at our own houses at our leisure.  It gets quite chaotic when you have five women all in need of the stove or the mixer or counter space.  Even last year when we did it at Sister #1's house, who has a double oven, it was a bit crazy.  I'm okay with it this way.  Momma T and I can take our time and do our cookies over a few days.

I'm not really feeling the holidays though.  I keep trying to get into the spirit of it, but it's like the magic just isn't there.  I would opt out of all this if I could.  Well, except the cookies.....because you know...COOKIES!!!!!  Though I'd still make them at my own pace.  It's just everything cost so much these days. And everyone is like in competition with each other, who got better gifts, who got bigger gifts.  Even though we now just do a name draw and fill a gift bag for that person.  Pleasing some people is near impossible.  I thought I had it easy this year, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe my gifts will be underwhelming to them.

I've already been thinking about opting out of the exchange for next year.  It will be money saved, no hurt feelings or disappointments if the right gifts aren't bought.  And then I don't have to worry about anyone drawing my name and having them complain that I'm so difficult to buy for.  But if you don't take the time to learn about me or my interests, what do you expect??  So yeah, that's kinda how I'm feeling.  Then others that I have bought for in the past just don't seem to appreciate what I got and I'm lucky if I even get/got a thank you.  So I'm just really over the whole gift thing.

It's a damp and chilly day today. We'll be having bands of this as the weather moves in from the Pacific Coast.  Will we have a White Christmas though?  Who knows.  Looks like a 50/50 chance right now.

I Pushed, Now I'm Paying

I hurt.  Hurting in ways I haven't before.  Someways, some of the pain that is familiar is worse.  Others are new to me.


I pushed myself for the holiday and I knew I would pay for it.  I had to.  I had to make the sides and clean up.  I had to make my desserts for the dessert day and clean that up too.  Now, I'm paying for it. 

I don't regret it one bit.  I enjoyed the cooking and the baking.  I love to do both.  Okay I hate the clean up!!!  I knew it was going to bite me in the ass, I just didn't know how bad.

Pain between the shoulders and down my breastbone.
Lower back and tail bone, some moments they are the worst of it.
My hips because of the back.  If I am laying down, my leg tries to go numb and tingly.
My hands.  If they don't hurt, then they tingle.  Or worse, they try to cramp up on me.  So don't ask me to open a jar, it might not end well LOL.  (have to laugh or I'll cry.)
Now today, my thighs hurt too.  But it feels like the bones, not the muscles.  I don't know how to explain it.
Then there's that spot on my shin that I whacked on the dishwasher door 4 years ago.  If it doesn't hurt, then it itches, or both.
Feet keep trying to cramp up too.

I have to vent here because no one understands.
Taking pain meds does nothing. And I refuse to go on any prescription meds.  I'd rather hurt than
risk all the side effects.

You know what else I hate....that I can't do the things I love without pain.  I love to cook.  I love to bake.  But standing more than 5 minutes and I've got pain shooting down my spine.  I love to browse stores and shop, even if it's just window shopping.  Too much walking and my back and legs feel like they are on fire.

I caved last night and was in bed by 7.  I laid on the heating pad, which feels great until I try to get up and then I'm stiff and feel like I was hit by a truck.  But I caved and did it anyway.  I binged a few episodes of Downton Abbey.  And you know what?  I felt guilty for every moment I was there.  For me self-care = guilt. 

Sitting here to write hurts like crazy.  My back and hips and thighs are all screaming at me.  But even thinking of laying down, I feel the guilt rising.  And so I don't listen to what my body is telling me to do.

Even so, if I had to do it all over again so that we had a good thanksgiving.......I WOULD!

Not According To Plan

All in all, I think it was a good day (to a point).

I pushed through my pain to make sure we had all of our side dishes for dinner.  Momma T made the salad the night before while at the dining table.  She can't stand for long, she's 3 1/2 weeks out from a full knee replacement.  And I had her do the same to prep the sweet potato casserole as I can get heavy handed with the butter :D   Sister #2 and her honey made the turkey and 2 smoked turkey breasts. 

I was feeling a bit down because I wish I knew how to make my maternal Babci's stuffing.  She passed when I was 11.  Even though I was there every time she made it, I never really caught on to all the steps and so I don't really know how to make it.  There is no one to ask, because I think it was just one of those things no one thought to needed to know.

We all sat down to eat, it was enjoyable. Everyone was talking and eating and having a relatively peaceful meal.  Until some unexpected guests walked in.  No hey we're on our way.  No hey did you guys eat your dinner yet.  NOTHING!  Then they proceeded to watch us eat.

It was like someone dumped a bucket of water on our meal and no one could finish.  It was funny in a non comical way to watch everyone one by one try to take another bite and then slowly put their fork back down.  It felt like being in a store's holiday window display.  It was very uncomfortable and unnerving.   After a bit, we all just kinda gave up trying to finish our meal.

Plates got cleared. And the table mostly vacated.  Attention turned to the unexpected guests.  I am thoroughly impressed with how everyone held their tongues and didn't cause a ruckus.  Even though most were on slow simmer.

First we've seen them in almost a year.  None of them even asked Mom how she was feeling or how she was recovering.

It was all just awkward and uncomfortable.  But at least it all came and went without incident.

At least there's leftovers we can enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I was trying to find a photo to use, but I can't seem to find what I was looking for.  All the pictures I take and I can't find a good thanksgiving one!

Anyway.....

It will be a quiet dinner at our house.  A couple of the sisters are coming over.  Sister #2 is making the turkey(s), we'll be making the sides.  Saturday will be dessert day wherein all the siblings will be here except for Big Brother as he lives out of state.


I just wanted to take a moment to wish all my readers and followers a HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Have a wonderful day!

I'm Back....I Think

Well, I sort of feel human again.  But not quite 100%.

I came down with that cold going around about three weeks ago.  After a week of it, I started to feel a bit better so I went out.  I wanted to go to a particular craft store before Mom T. had her knee surgery.  And I wanted to make sure I got to go early vote. Which we did!  Thankfully.

I ended up getting worse after going out and was even "sick" if you can call it that on my birthday this past Sunday.  Made the best of it though. I got a bunch of Sloth themed stuff which made my day.

I still have this dry-ish cough and my ears feel like I am underwater.  My chest and back, between my shoulders, hurt from all the coughing.  Though that could also be part of the chronic pain or both.  It's a bit hard to tell honestly.

I have been working at keeping my fluids up.  I have drunk so much water in the last couple of weeks I'm surprised I'm not waterlogged! LOL

I gave up soda about two moths ago? Did I tell ya?  The craving it is getting better.  Even with three twelve packs about four feet away, I haven't really been tempted.  I've switched to the flavored seltzers and sparkling waters. Being under the weather, even that didn't sound great.  BUT....when I was out a couple of weeks ago, I had a chance to try one of those health chairs in Walmart that check BP and weight and such.  And according to it, I lost 4 pounds!  And all I did was quit soda!  Who knew?!  I probably did, but SODA! 

My friend wants me to ditch the seltzer and sparkling waters too.  She says the carbonation is bad for your bones.  I dunno.  I like them.  And I have several cans to drink.  I can't just give those up right now because I'm the only one who even drinks them.  Maybe I'll give it some research and thought.


Speaking of thoughts.  I feel like turning 49 has triggered something in me.  Like why do I keep holding on to things and people. Especially people that I feel like couldn't give two shits about me.  Or people that still make me feel like I have to fit into a certain box for them.  Why do I keep trying to figure out how be accepted by people who I have never felt I was accepted by in the first place? Am I saying that right?  I dunno.   I just feel like there are people I hold on to for one reason or another, that don't even give me a passing thought.  I'm having a lot of "I was there when you needed me but that's the only time you know/knew me" type feelings.  Maybe it's just a partial OMG next year I'll be 50! thing too....I dunno. 


NaNo started yesterday. And this post is the most I've written.  Great start eh?  It's all good, it's early and there's plenty of time to catch up.

Mom T. had her knee replacement surgery on Monday.  So I've been busy helping take care of her and staying on top of her pain meds and such.  She's doing quite well.  In some ways, I think she is doing better than her surgery in January. We have already noticed some differences in the procedure between then and now.  Also her recovery seems better in many ways this time around.  Monday is the first post op appointment so well get an idea of how things are going.

Another chilly fall day with wind in the forecast and the rain has started.  At least it's not dark and dreary, at least not yet.

Have a great Friday!

Broken

This last week has been brutal.

I have been trying to push through it all.  Keep going, don't let it all get you down.

But I feel like I have been hit by a train.  Every morning for almost two weeks now starts out
with me feeling sore and stiff.    I don't know how successful I am at hiding how crappy I really
feel.  People don't want to hear it, ya know.

Today is now day four of the headache that won't go away.  I've been taking Advil migraine and it only just takes the edge off but doesn't make it go away.  And it hardly touches the other pains that run down my entire back.

I think most of it my body reacting to the events of the last couple of weeks.  Some of it is probably weather related.  We've had several overcast days and FINALLY had our first real rain since June.


I was just  reading an article that was shared on twitter about chronic pain.  And one of the points in the article is that doctors just don't want to deal with it.  I think that is what my doctor is doing.  I don't think he knows enough about Fibro to want to diagnose me and so he just leaves it as chronic pain and dismisses me like I don't know anything.  He's a PA, not an MD.  But I still thought they had to keep up with things and learn about the stuff their patients might get or have.  And if you don't know, then FFS refer them to someone who does.

An example is S has asthma.  He has inquired a couple of times about getting put on a different inhaler.  The PA says he isn't comfortable about prescribing it because he doesn't know enough about it.  Well shouldn't you be making an effort then to learn so you can help your patients?  Why would it be okay to keep them on something that is only partially helping?


I don't want to take the meds that would be prescribed for pain or Fibro.  I don't want to get hooked on anything and the side effects that they cause are too great a risk for me to take.  Not to mention the number of people that have said they felt worse taking the medications.  And that getting off them was another kind of hell.


I just feel like the events of recent have broke me.

Rabbit, Rabbit! Welcome October!

I can hardly even believe that it is October 1st! That we are now in the last three months of 2018.
Where on earth did the time go???

October means Preptober for NaNoWriMo.  I've never really participated in a Preptober, let alone really plan what I intend to write in November.  At this point, I still don't have a clue.  Just fleeting bits of ideas that escape me before I can nail them down.  So either it's not time for those ideas yet or I just need to start actually jotting stuff down as they pop into my head whether they are shitty or not.

I feel like October is the official start to the holiday season.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas/Yule.  The weather here  has definitely had a Fall vibe the last  couple of  weeks.  And looking ahead according to the NWS, the next 6-10 days are going to be cooler and wetter.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.....................It's my birthday month!

Maybe I should have led with that?  LOL!   I'm usually not one to get all "YAY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"  I'd just as soon as let it slip by quietly.  But I'm turning 49 this year.  49 is the age my uncle (my father's brother) was when he died.  I also realized that my grandmother turned 49 just days after I was born.  My mother was approximately 49 when she threw my dad out for the last time. My dad was 49 when I moved away to Florida.

I have another post somewhere about how ominous 49 feels. And for the life of me, I cannot find it!  Maybe it was a comment I made on someone else's post last year? I dunno, but I swear I had a blog post about it.

I don't know if OMINOUS is the right word.  I guess maybe it feels like an ending on the road to a new beginning?  That maybe as I go through 49 it will lead to some great and amazing things.  That maybe I can and will get some closure on the past.



I was going to wait for another post, but I think I will just go ahead and write it here, now.  All this stuff the last few days with Dr. Ford has really opened up wounds that I thought healed but were actually perhaps just scabbed over.  I have felt so raw and wounded.  So angry and defensive.

Then there was the thing about going on a social media blackout going around and turning your profile photo to a black square for several hours. I couldn't do it, not that. To me, it was like just one more way for them to silence us, to make us hide, to make us  disappear. It was just one more way for them to target us.

And in the days before that, the posts about enablers.  The people that allowed the abuse to happen and did nothing to help.  Or those people that you went to in confidence and they didn't believe you, saying you must have it wrong, that they wouldn't do that. That you misunderstood.

I started thinking about how I get so hung up on loved ones that have passed and how they were the enables or the abuser.  How I've now forgiven them for what they have done.  But, are they worthy of my grief?  Are they still worthy of my love?  The love I gave without  question.  I feel like by me still venerating them, I am being dishonest with myself and subjecting myself to the abuse that happened years ago.   How do I reconcile that?  How do I allow myself to feel for those still living, whom I cried out to for help and dismissed me with the attitude of "You Made Your Bed".  When I was weak and vulnerable and scared and hurting, and I found the courage to ask for help and I was ignored, dismissed, the subject changed.

This is what I am struggling with right now.

Ruffled Feathers and Feelings

Like most women  in the US that have experienced an assault, whether reported or not, I think we are all feeling all the feels with this case.  Some of us coming out for the first time and still not being believed. Or the old "boys will be boys" "suck it up and move on" attitudes are just too much anymore.

I don't talk much if at all about the things that happen to me.  And thanks to society and the ways of our world, I often have thoughts of "well maybe it was that bad"or "not as bad as it seemed at the time".  Of course there's the guilt of  what could I have done to prevent it from happening in the first place.

I often wonder why.  Why did it happen?  But more often I wonder why aren't we as victims turned survivors believed. Why do you doubt us??

I can't even stay on social media for long periods right now because it is all just too much.  I did not expect to feel this way.  I am angry.  I am edgy.  I feel like I need to be on my guard.  I feel anxious.  I feel like I just want to scream.  I feel like if  someone says the wrong thing that I will snap and just give them more than an earful.

So many of my online friends seem to be sharing the same thoughts and feelings.  Some can put what I am feeling into words better than I can even try to do.  I just can't find the words.

For all those people that just want the women to sit down and shut up and pretend it didn't happen because don't ruin the guy's life.  What if it was your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, best friend?  What then?   Would you tell her to sit down, shut up, move on, pretend it didn't happen?  What about us?  Are our lives not ruined by the event(s), the assault(s) that happened to us?  What if it were you?   Would you feel the same if it happened to you?


Yesterday someone asked what all the hoopla was about with this judge.  I guess I got on a soap box.  Trying to give the short  version of what it was. But I guess it was too long, too "complicated".  I was then told by another person that the askee only wanted the short simple version. ..........There is no short simple version. And then the yes there is no there isn't banter started.

I'm sorry but there is no short simple version. Not from me.  I am not going to sugar coat it. 

I'm feeling triggered, raw, emotional.  I might not be shouting from a soap box, but if someone asks I will not be sugarcoating it.

I Didn't Tell

There is so much rising up in me.  Anger. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety (that I am trying to keep bottled).  And more.  I believe Dr. Ford.  And every other girl/woman that was assaulted or an assault was attempted on. It's horrifying and disgusting that we are still living in an age where women are doubted. Called liars.  Victimized for being a victim. Blamed. UGH! It makes me want to scream!!


The first time, that I remember. I was about 10.  It was a second cousin. We were approximately the same age (11 months apart).  He wanted us to sleep in the same bed.  We were visiting my aunt who was his grandmother.  They allowed, the adults.  It seemed harmless.  He kept talking about how he wanted us to get married  when we were old enough.  Then he kept wanting to kiss me.  The adults kept coming in and telling him/us to go to sleep. But every time they left the room, he started back up again with the talking and wanting to kiss.  Finally they separated us.  He blamed me.  That it was my fault he had to sleep elsewhere. He stayed mad at me for a long time after that.  Years later, I found out that a couple years after that incident with me, he did it to my cousin. And in her case, tried to touch her or maybe he did. I don't think she told either. 

The next time, I was 11.  He was an adult.  He stopped when I yelled.  He tried to brush it off as nothing.  My mother was in the room, doing dishes at the sink.  She spun around and told him if he ever tried again, she'd do something to him.  Probably threatened to castrate him, I can't remember.  I told his mother what happened.  She said I had to be mistaken.  He was my father after all. My doubter, my grandma.  :(

Fast forward to I am 16. He was my boyfriend.  He was already physically abusive on more than one occasion.  I was virgin.  He raped me in my room.  I told him no.  I told him to stop.  I think I screamed.  A mutual friend was in another room.  He didn't do anything.  Acted like he didn't hear it.  I didn't tell.  I felt like no one would believe me.  Every time I tried to end things, my mother pushed us back together even though she knew he was abusive to me.  He was the son of her best friend in high school.  All the cops in town knew him and his brother.  They wouldn't have believed me either, or his brother would have made it go away.

Again, I'm 16.  I have my first migraine.  I was supposed to babysit, but couldn't go.  I was going to cancel but my mother offered to go in my place.  The people weren't thrilled, but agreed. While she was gone, my father was drinking with my boyfriend and another of our friends.  At some point, my father came into my room and started berating me for not going to babysit.  Then it was like a switch was flipped and he was not really seeing me.  He came at me like he wanted to do something sexual.  I kept yelling at him to stop, to go away.  He kept moving closer.  I slapped him and it was like he 'woke up'.  My the guys slipped him something. I will never know.  But they ignored my cries too.  Neither one came to help me.  When I finally told again his mom (my grandma) once again she didn't believe me.

A year later it was a stranger on the train that tried to grab my lady bits.  The train was crowd with morning commuters.  This guy found me every time for several days and on more than one day would try to fondle me.  I finally said very loudly that he needed to keep his hands to himself.  I never saw him again.

Several months later, working at a new job in a fast food chain it was one of my managers.  He would get handsy.  Not just with me, but several other female co-workers.  More than one of us told him to knock it off.  He treated it like a joke.  He would grab an arm, rub a shoulder, try to pull you in for a hug.  I went to our general manager with a complain. At least he took it seriously.  The offender was warned on more than one occasion to keep his hands to himself.  I ended up making a formal complaint.  I think maybe a couple of others did too.  The company moved him to a different store.

I didn't report because no one would believe me.  I was just over reacting, misunderstanding, confused, etc.  Even now.  All these years later.  When ever I talk about one of these incidents, I feel doubted. Like I am still not believed.  Like the listener thinks I am making it up.  That I'm crazy, that it's all in my head.   Even writing this, I can hear those nay sayers saying these things.  That I asked for it some how. That I should have expected it.  That I'm blowing things out of proportion.  Guys will be guys.  To just get over it, move on.

Maybe some day, hopefully in my lifetime we will be believed.

House Keeping

I did some renovations on the blog page today.  Hopefully I have cleaned it up a bit.  And after the last several years of having the same theme background I finally changed it. I don't know if elements on the blog and backgrounds are still as customizable as they were back in the day.  So I am going with a standard background and just customized the color itself.  I think I want to still make some tweaks here and there, but for now this will do.

I wish I could edit my blog address to my blog name.  But the combos offered just don't sit will with me, and straight up "forgotten muse" seems to be taken. 

I've been thinking about adding a tab or two, or are they called pages? to the blog.   Maybe one to share photos or art I've made.  I have toyed with this idea for ages, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not yet anyway.



One of the things I eliminated was the blog badges.  Many of the ones I had were no longer blogging, a couple of links were broken.  So I decided to take those down and instead replace with my NaNo participation badges. 

I also discovered that the music mixer that was on here once upon a time was also broken.  I didn't even realize it until today and then I almost couldn't figure out how to delete it.  I had a word counter from a forever ago project that I also didn't know how to edit, so that went too.

As always, this blog is ever a work in process.

Never Forget

My heart is heavy as I remember this day.
I remember it so vividly as if it was only yesterday.
It's hard to believe today marks 17 years.

No matter where I may live
No matter where I may roam
My heart will always belong to NYC
It will always be my home.

Processing Overload

All the big words are overwhelming.
When I start to Google search, I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole.

I got my lab results yesterday.
The amazing news is, my sugar was good. With a family history of Diabetes this was
a relief to hear.  I know things could be different somewhere down the line.  But for now, this is a win I will take.
On the other hand, my cholesterol is elevated and my triglycerides are at 251.  I discovered that being on birth control or other medications could in fact raise your triglycerides, so that would explain that somewhat.  I don't know why my cholesterol is high. I don't eat a lot of fried foods or tons of gravy laden foods.  I guess we tend to eat a lot of processed foods from time to time, and I am a soda fiend. Though, if I put my mind to it I can be quite successful at cutting back or stop drinking it all together.

I'm grateful for the fact my doctor is wanting me to try lowering it with diet first.  I was told to lower my fat intake and lower my animal products intake.  Not 100% sure what that second part means exactly. But as memory serves my aunt said she lowered hers by eating more fish and chicken and by cutting out or heavily back on red meats.

I love chicken, turkey, and most fish/shellfish.  I've been diving down the rabbit hole that is Google to see what foods I can turn to that will help me lower this.  Beans, beans, beans seem to be the top of the list.   There seems to be some conflict between white rice vs brown rice.  Of course the age old argument whether butter is good or bad.  FYI: I will not give up the butter!!!  I'm willing to cut back though.

So far it seems the consensus is to go vegetarian, flexitarian, or Mediterranean.  All of which I can do easily enough.  The downside is that several things suggest Tofu and soy products as a meat replacement.  I am allergic to Tofu/soy and can't do that.  Most also suggest adding more nuts into your diet, again I'm stuck thanks to a nut allergy.  And then adding more fruit.  I love fruit, I do. But I cannot eat most raw fruits like apples, pears, peaches. I'm fine with bananas, grapes, grapefruit, strawberries, blueberries.  It's the same with some raw veggies, but if things are cooked then I don't usually have a problem unless there is another ingredient I am sensitive or allergic too.

I am also allergic to oats and so many things suggest adding oatmeal to your diet. Oddly though, I can eat Cheerios. But put oats or oatmeal in something and I start having trouble breathing and get itchy and start swelling in my mouth and throat. 

Then there's eggs....eggs are good, no eggs are bad.  Only eat egg whites, no yolks are fine but no more than 3 times a week.

Or how about avocado....yes yes eat more, no no limit how much you have.

Lots of helpful but at the same time conflicting information out there.   I was offered no diet plan or suggestions other than what I mentioned above low fat/animal products.  So research and read it is.

Midweek Musings

I've been trying to come up with catchy weekday titles to use when I don't have specific one in mind. So far, no luck LOL


The day after the visit pain was really hurty.  It hurt to sit, stand, lay down, walk. I broke down and took a pain pill which made me sleepy and a little loopy.  I can deal with sleepy, loopy not so much.  I don't like that feeling, probably why I don't drink myself drunk. How do people enjoy that?  It feels so shitty. I think I'll just stick to Tylenol even if I feel like it's not helping.

Wrist is still hurting.  Ring finger and pinky along with it. He, the young doctor, said I had some weakness in my hands.  I don't know what that means though.

I went in for my fasting labs yesterday.  It took 3 girls and 30 minutes to get a vein that wouldn't roll away.  And that was only for 1 vial!  I asked if he was checking my thyroid as well.  Cuz you know, I figured with all my complaints about pain and such he might want to look at some other things.  But, no. He's just doing Cholesterol and Sugars.  Which is fine and dandy, but since he also never had labs on me wouldn't it have been a good idea to check other stuff?

Now, I am waiting for the results and wondering am I going to get an everything is fine or is it going to be like my xrays were.

I'm not a fan of going to the doctor and taking meds.  I don't know who is.  But I can certainly understand why people avoid going all together.  Gone are the days where your doctor actually listens to you and takes the time with you.


In other musings.....

I found out over FB that my oldest got engaged.   If I didn't see the photos on my youngest's page, I wouldn't know about it.  She isn't speaking to me (the oldest) and has even unfriended me on FB. When I last spoke to them, she never once said she was mad at me or anything.  In the seven years I've been gone, she has not called me one time. The youngest has called me a few times, but not once did the oldest. I even found out she was dating via FB.  Any big thing in their life, I only find out if I happen to see it on FB.  When ever I call there, I feel like I am bothering them.  They hardly pay attention to the conversation and go about doing things and talking to each other like I'm not even on the phone.  When I left, I was open with them about the leaving and why.  They both had the opportunity to go with me.  I gave them a choice.  They were both old enough.  They both chose to stay.

People back there, that don't know me at all don't like me because of whatever  version of the truth they have been told.  So I guess I've been labeled as the toxic person.

My entire life has been one giant gaslighting session.  I was not good enough for my mother, I was not good enough for HIM.  I constantly had to prove my worth.  Prove that I was good enough, that I was not a fuck up, that I wasn't stupid.  But not matter how hard I tried, there was always something else to fight to prove.  Then, at least with HIM, I was crazy. You needed meds, you needed a shrink, you heard it wrong, and on and on.

I am at the point in my life where you know what, I'm going to be 49 years old.  Life is too short.  If making me be the bad guy helps you sleep at night, more power too ya.  I'm too tired of fighting to make people see me for who I am and not the labels others have put on me.   It's just like people that think I am just like my mother.  I'm at the fuck it point.  You wanna judge me on what she said and did, go for it.  More power too ya.  I'm tired of jumping through hoops, dancing a jig, and kissing ass just to prove something to them.

Either take the time to actually get to know me and my story or take your closed minded judgemental self elsewhere.  I'm tired of pleasing people.  I'm tired of living my life for other peoples pleasures and happiness.  When do I get to be happy? 

Saturday Summary

Sounds better as Sunday Summary, but it's Saturday so I'm going to roll with it.

We finally, FINALLY got some cooler temps.  It's nice.  There were a couple of days here I needed a sweatshirt and I can wear my jeans.  But there's a 93 coming midweek and I don't know about afterward.  I know Summer isn't over yet.

Momma T is going to be having her other knee replaced.  This one is worse, but the other knee was more of a priority. But doc said it's time, so they are going to get it scheduled.  She's looking forward to being pain free, but not looking forward to all the down time. And it's her driving leg, so she won't be able to drive for awhile.

I had to go in for a check up yesterday.  I hadn't been in over a year.  I went in resigned to be in and out in 10 minutes, without asking any questions because they get pushed aside by the "so when are you getting your teeth taken care of" spiel. 

To my surprise, my appointment ended up being almost an hour!  There is a student doctor shadowing the PA there.  He came in and saw me first.  He said he reviewed my chart and looked at my x-rays and wanted to know how my pain was. So I let him have it!  I told him all about how it's not any better, how I'm having flairs, pain and cramping in my hand and legs. 

He then told me about things that were seen on my x-ray that I was told were fine.  WAIT!  WTF?  I was shocked to find out I have bone spurs in my back at the lumbar and sacral regions.  Then he was tossing out words like early degeneration and myelitis, some thing about the discs I think.  He also mentioned neuropathy. 

So I took the chance to ask him about Fibro.  He said he doesn't know enough about it, just that it is a disease that is getting a lot of fanfare lately.  And since he is still learning, he didn't feel comfortable addressing it but would ask the PA.  And the young doctor said he couldn't rule it out, but it is a process of elimination disease.  They would need to rule out other things with similar symptoms.  So it's not a no, still a maybe.

For now then, I guess it's chronic pain, neuropathy, some kind of myelitis, early degeneration, and early arthritis.  I told them I wanted to avoid meds if I could. So the next answer was physical therapy.  Well I don't have money for that either!!! No money, no insurance.  The young doctor, when he was alone with me again, suggested yoga.  I wouldn't mind trying, I have all sorts of dvds on it.  But, I'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself.  He also told me if I feel strongly about Fibro, that I should insist on getting checked for it.

Bottom line is, I have stuff going on that I didn't know about that is contributing to my pain.  I was told my xrays we fine and they weren't.  I feel deceived. I don't like that everytime I go in, no matter why I am there it comes back to my teeth.  Like I don't know they need taken care of!!!  Hello, it's in my mouth, I live with it every day.  He's like a dog with a bone and won't let it go.  He asked me again a couple of times at this visit and I told I'll do it when I hit the lotto. He thinks I'm brushing it off, but I have no money and no insurance to do it.  I'm have extreme anxiety with dental stuff and will need to be knocked out and not just the "Sweet Air" stuff.

This is where I am all for Universal coverage.  Then I can see a doctor of my choice and maybe even get my teeth taken care of on my terms.

Some times I feel like this PA is being rather judgemental of me because not having a job, or money, or insurance.  He doesn't know my story.  He never even asked. 

My Heart Hurts Today

My heart is breaking all over again today.  It will be a miracle if I can get through it without crying at some point. 

A year ago today, my sweet beautiful fur baby died in my arms.  We tried to rush to the vet, but we didn't make it passed the end of the driveway. 

Your little life was cut short, way too soon.  Why did you choose me, if you were only going to leave  me? 

I was there shortly after you were born. I feel in love with and your siblings.  When you first opened your eyes, you chose me. The joy I would get from your little face when I saw how excited you were to see me was nothing I ever experienced before. The way you would curl up in my lap or next to me when I was doing something was like nothing any of the others did.  You didn't pester, you kept me company.  I miss how you would bury your face in my hair and sleep on my shoulder.

I miss everything about you, my sweet girl.  I don't think I can do it, make it through the day without crying.


I miss you so very much my sweet Sylvie.   (May 26, 2017 - August 24, 2017)  This hurts!

Hump Day!

Finally, finally have some much cooler temperatures.  We're down into the 80s for a couple days. We'll have a 90s day tomorrow I think. Then back to the 80s and even some 70s.  It's nice to sit in my sweatshirt most of the day and have all the fans off.  Opening the windows aren't the greatest idea right now, but we do have them open.  The smoke has been so bad the last couple of days.  Today we are in the red for air quality.  And boy oh boy do I feel it.

It feels like there's a weight on my chest, my throat is scratchy, my eyes feel gritty.  I'm sure my glasses were coated with ash every time I went outside yesterday.  You can see the smoke hanging in the tree tops.  Last night at one point it was so bad, we thought there was a fire outside some where because it smelled like there was one right in the yard.   It was awful!!!!

I don't know why, but pain is flaring the last couple of days.  My legs hurt like I've been hiking.  My back, well it never stops hurting. Sitting hurts, walking hurts, laying down hurts.  I tried Tylenol but it didn't help.  I was thinking of maybe trying to take some D3 and magnesium daily, but I don't want to start until after I go to the doctor this month. 


That's about it for now.

Happy Hot Friday

It's not hot yet, but it will be.  We're in an excessive heat advisory until Midnight.

As of right now, the Weather Channel site is calling for 109 here.  Yesterday, in a part of Hell's Canyon it hit 115 and in Baker City, Oregon it hit 108.  I am curious to see what our outdoor weather reader will tell us at peak time today.

The smoke comes in waves.  Night time seems to be the worst.  The other evening it was so bad you would think there was a bonfire in the living room.  That's how strong it was.  They say less smoke is expected today, so that's why our temperatures could end up being worse. Nothing to block it out, even a little bit.

*****************************************

I took two of those free 24 hours class previews earlier this week.  WOW information overload!  So much good information, just a lot in two days.  It was two different classes on photography.  The first was pretty much I think on the basics like f/stops, aperture, shutter speed, ISO, etc.  The second class was primarily on lenses.  Both were super informative. The teacher was very good.  I looked him up and he has even more videos on YouTube. YAY for me!  At least on YouTube I can actually pause the video as needed and back up to review something.  On the free preview lessons, you can't do that.  You have to let the entire four hours or so play through and wait for that segment to come around in the replay. And if you pause, it jumps to where ever the preview is when you un-pause.  Now I'm not complaining.  I have never viewed a class preview here before so it was a new experience.  I would love to have bought the class, but can't at the sale price of $59 regular $79.

What I learned from the class is what type of camera I actually have.  Other than it's a D-SLR camera. I didn't know there was full frame and crop frame cameras and how that relates to taking a photo. That my kit lens that came with the camera is only frustrating because of me and not the lens.  In other words, I need to practice practice practice. Sure it would be great to get a lens with more zoom to really get that hawk picture. Which is the downside of my lens.  But for now, there is more I can do with it than I thought. 

So once the temperature cools to a more tolerable to be outside level, I plan to go out and practice with it.  In the mean time, I will consolidate the notes I took and watch more videos (and take even more notes).  I can't buy the new lens, don't know when I will be able to. And I have no one I can borrow a lens from.  Even if I did, I don't think I would.  I'd be too worried I would break it and then I'd be screwed. I mean it's not likely because I'd be overly cautious but still, not a chance I'd be willing to take.

Monday's Musings

Good news is, we haven't seen the badger since that day.  The bad news is, it might not have left as we originally thought.

That hawk, that has been flying around and crying all the time.........Well I asked Sister #3 about what could it mean.  She thought maybe it lost a fledgling or a mate as I thought.  Google search was suggesting it was communicating to the mate for food for the young.  Hawk medicine says when they show up in your life and cry, pay attention there is something you need to see.  To seek truth.  I am trying to pay attention, I just don't know what the answer is yet.

Well she asked her S.O. who is also somewhat knowledgeable about these things.  He suggested that the badger has perhaps moved into her/their territory and she/they are pissed about it. They crying and circling low is how they are trying to make it leave.  Interesting theory!  Also, NOT what we wanted to hear.  Said that the way it left that day suggests that it has been here for a bit and that's the path it takes.  He suggests we set up a live trap for it.


We had a nice temperature break the last couple of days. It was rather nice. But it's not sticking around. By midweek we are looking at 105 and 107 days.  I know there are areas around here they call desert, because basically only sage brush grows. But we are actually in the valley, it shouldn't be this hot!!  Not much we can do about it except cope best we can.

The downside to the weekend was my pain.  Friday we ran some errands and by the time I got home my back was really hurting.  By that evening my hips and legs were hurting more than they have been too.  The pain has lasted through the weekend without much change. Yesterday, it hurt to sit and it hurt to try to walk it off. Laying down didn't feel much better.  My hands and wrists are hurting a little more consistently here lately too.  Not much I can do except take frequent breaks and move around.

I have to see the doctor sometime in the next month.  I really dread seeing him.  He's a nice guy and all that, but he just seems to brush me off too easily. I feel like he doesn't want to listen to my concerns.  He's content with just labeling it chronic pain I think. I however am not. 

I made the mistake of looking at WebMD the other day about somethings. It did have that my symptoms could be fibro.  I guess that's a plus LOL!!  But I also began to wonder if it might be the beginnings of RA.  I have a cousin with it, but she has had it for decades.  Though it says onset could be as late as 44.  It would explain why the hands feel like more than just carpal tunnel.  But maybe it is just a real stretch.  I have seen some articles suggest a connection between RA and Fibro. 

Well the intro course for the herbalism starts today. As does two of the photography classes. Better get to work ;)

Have a good Monday!

There Was A Badger!

First let me just say, we have a break!  OMG and it is glorious!  Right now, we only have the ceiling fans on and there is a wonderful breeze.  This weekend we will be seeing some 80s.  I know it's temporary as we still have all of August to get through and it can be just as bad as July. But for today and the weekend, I will take it.  The smoke is still bad, but at least this makes it tolerable.

So I shared this yesterday on my feed.  I would have wrote a second post but I was so wound up, I was mashing keys.  My heart was racing, my hands were shaking. I took me a good hour just to settle down, but still was hyped enough to mash keys.

Yesterday afternoon, I let the dogs out as one does.  But since a couple of the fur babes like to wander and it was too hot for that I went outside with them.  The big girl and a wiener went towards the dog pen, the other wiener and the bassette just off the porch.  All of them came back pretty quickly without much coaxing.  It was hot after all.  But the border mix, he trotted around back of the 5th wheel.  No biggy I thought, he does that if he has more eh-hem business to attend to.  I gave him a few minutes and began to call him.  He's not one to ignore being called.

He might dilly dally, but he won't not come. But this time...he was not coming. I had no shoes on, so I had to pop inside. I figured I'll run in, slip on my sandals, and he'll be at the door.  Usually that is what happens.  But not today.  So back outside I go.  Heading towards the chicken pen. I get just to the BBQ grill and I stop dead in my tracks.

He's quiet, but in a pounce position.  Just on the other side of the fence is a big fat fucking badger.  And it's pissed. It's hissing. It's crouching.  I don't want move because I don't want to set it off and make it attack.  So I start screaming the dog's name. Whiskey, come here. Whiskey come! Whiskey...WHISKEY! 

Finally, he notices that I am calling him. Now he is torn between coming to me and trying to I don't know what with this badger.  I still don't want to make a move and I don't want to leave and get help.

Whiskey finally listens and comes to me and I get him inside.  And alert them that there is a badger.  We all three go outside so I can show them where it was exactly.  But by the time we got over to the spot, the badger was no where to be seen.

We rounded up all the in-outside cats and brought them in.  They were not happy to give up their shady cool spots they found to come inside but did it anyway.

I have never seen a live badger in real life other than in photos or dead on the road side.  Even though I wasn't close, I hope to never see one.  They can be very aggressive.

Once we came back in, I checked over the boy to make sure he wasn't scratched or bit anywhere. Thankfully he was fine.  Definitely not something I want to experience again!

Hello August!

Hard to believe, but here we are.  New month, new goals.  Right?  I'm trying to sort mine out for the month.  What would I like to strive for? What would I like to achieve?

At this moment, I want to just grab my camera and go outside.  But it's already too hot to consider and too thick to breathe. Even in the house with everything pretty much closed up for the day with fans running, I can feel the air like a weight in my lungs.

I think this month I am going to strive to do the online workshops I have signed up for.  And like actually do them!  Monday starts a two week herbal intro course with Herbal Academy.  I also signed up for a few freebies from Creative Live on photography.

I realized that ever since I got my first camera, many many moons ago, that I have always enjoyed taking pictures.  That was back when you had to wait and see if you got the shot, and hoped and prayed that you did.  You might remember those days of 35mm film.  I can remember back when my mom took pictures with a 110 and a cube flash bulb!  At some point I got a digital camera, it was nothing expensive. I think it was barely 100 bucks.  It served me well for point and shot stuff.  I got some decent photos with it, I think. 

Then, a few years ago, a friend gifted me her old Nikon Cool Pix.  And it too has served me well.  It's my toss it in my purse and carry everywhere camera. Since I have it on a lanyard, I'm thinking of wearing it every day for those moments I pop outside and see something.

A couple of years ago, I got a Canon Rebel for my birthday.  It sure was a surprise.  I have enjoyed it thus far. But I have so much to learn.  None of the video series I signed up for are specific to this camera.  They all sound pretty general and all around classes.  One is on starter kits, one is on choosing the right lens, another is on how to think like a photographer.

I have a hard time thinking outside of the box. Getting creative with the camera is foreign to me. I'm so ingrained with point and shoot, what ever it is that's it.  I want to learn the ins and outs of my camera.  How to take amazing photos of wildlife and nature and the Milky Way.

Going back to the herbal class.  I have wanted to learn about this for years now.  I was close to taking a class for it about ten years ago.  Then I put it on hold to take a leap into the unknown and never had the opportunity to re-enroll.  I still have my book and all the herbs that came with it.  I keep them in the dark in a sealed container. Whenever I check them, they still look and smell fine. 

There are so many things that I want to do in life.  Some days, especially when I see all these travel pictures or even things that are local-ish, I feel like I am missing out.  I don't drive, so I can't even take myself to the places.  There's no bus out here either.  I mean I'm surrounded by cows and crops.

I'm trying to take a new perspective on this.  Why can't I utilize what's around me?  It's all about thinking differently and using what I have.

Well, this post wasn't what I had in mind when I started but here we are.

Have Blessed Lammas!

End Of July? When Did That Happen??

I can't believe here we are, the end of July.  I feel like June was just ending!  Time is flying by way faster than I ever remembering it happening as a kid.

Today and tomorrow we are under a heat advisory.  Today we are looking at 103 and tomorrow at 101. Yet tomorrow is supposed to be the worse of the two days. After Wednesday, the temps finally start to dip a little bit down into the 90s.  With an 88 on Saturday.  It is so crazy to see that we are hotter here than in Georgia!

Today is pretty overcast, so it might help a little bit. But that's not cloud cover.  Upper level winds are bringing in the smoke from the California fires. It's the craziest thing to see a smoke forecast in motion, where is shows the movement of the smoke and where it is the worst.  Looking at makes me think I should be watching a storm pattern, not a smoke pattern.  There's about six or seven North-ish of us. The closest which is still about ninety minutes away and no threat  to us, is up near McCall.  People in the area can't get in or out as all the roads have been closed.

Looking at images of some of the devastation from the Idyllwild fire which was arson, they caught the suspect who was seen throwing light flares as he drove down the road. And Carr Fire over in Redding.   It's heartbreaking.

We've had a hawk hanging out in our trees the last few days.  There are at least three or four pairs that live around here, but this one has been here alone as far as I can tell. It cries and circles every day just about.  I went out to check on the chicken and found two hawk feathers. They can't get her, she's pretty secure in her pen.  We had three ducks left, they were pretty much allowed out around the yard. They'd go in their pen at night.  When they started fixing the roof though, they hightailed it to the little watering hole on the neighbor's property.  They were on their way home when they were attacked by a weasel. They were found after the fact by the neighbor. They were so close to home when they were attacked. 

Momma T. has already started tearing down the pen area where they all used to live, the chickens and ducks.  Once it gets cooler, we're going to build new pens and redo the fencing. Then we'll look at getting more of both.  We almost had a turkey given to us, but the person decided to keep him after all.

If you would have told me one day I'd be living with farm animals, I would have said you were nuts. But now, I can't imagine not having them. I miss our "Big Girls". They used to let us pick them up and pet them. They would come to the back door and chatter at us.  They were the best.

Today is also the last day of Camp NaNoWriMo.  I haven't done as well as I would like.  I even lowered my goal, but I still think I am going to miss it.  I need roughly 2300 words to win.  Not impossible, so who knows. Maybe I will get a big spark of inspiration and bring it home at the last minute.

Full Blood Moon/Lunar Eclipse Blessings

I am disappointed that we won't be able to see the Eclipse today.  Especially since it is a Lunar one. They say this moon and eclipse is powerful.  Heralding in rebirth, new beginnings, releasing of the old and what no longer serves.

I started feeling the emotional rollercoaster of energies a couple of days ago. It was taking everything I had in me to control it.  My horoscope for this full moon from Your Spirit Sparkle is talking about authenticity, speaking your truth, transparency.  

The plan is to set some intentions for this Full Moon/Eclipse. I don't know if this would qualify as an intention, but one intention is to do a legal name change.  Do we even talk about intentions?  Is that okay?  Or do we keep them between us and Momma Moon?  

I want to release what no longer serves me.  I want speak my truth, live authentically.  I want to be more creative and live an intentionally creative life.

In other ramblings......

I tried to eat a plum today.  I haven't had one in years.  I pretty much have to swear off all fresh fruit except for bananas, watermelon, strawberries, and blueberries.  And well, my experiment failed.  I didn't have a full blown allergic reaction, but I do feel it some.  I can eat canned fruits no problem.  But try to eat "raw" plums, apples, peaches, etc and I regret it.

Having some new to me symptoms the last few days.  Couple days ago, we stopped at Target and my right foot started to cramp up.  I just about got it to settle down, then the left foot started.  Got that one to less up to almost stop, then the right foot started all over again.  Back and forth it went for over an hour.  At one point, they were just about doing it at the same time.  It was painful and annoying!  The other evening, my hands felt like they were cramping in the palms and felt a bit numb-ish.  My right hand bothered me so badly I couldn't even hold the mouse.  Yesterday we had to run a few errands, Costco and the grocery store.  After we were done at the grocery store, the center of my back between my shoulder blades hurt so bad.  Later on, the pain in my lower back and hips flared up.  Then the right foot tried to cramp, which ran up to behind my knee making it feel tight and stiff and very painful.

SIGH!  

Anyway....Wishing many blessings on this Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse.

Happy Hump Day!

It is Wednesday, right?  UGH!  Sometimes it feels like the days, hours run together so tightly that I can keep track.   It doesn't even feel like it should be nearly the end of the month either. 

Triple digits for the next week at least, again. Supposed to be 102 today.  9:00 MST it's already like 81 and feels awful out there.  Sticky, hot.  Right now, it feels better in the house. But around 4:30, 5:00 that will change and it will feel like a swamp in here. 

Then there is the smoke! NWS of Boise says we will have  smoke until at least Thursday.  We have one burning to the South at the ID/NV line called the Owyhee Fire.  Then there are about five burning in the Boise National Forest in various places. Then another about six hours away near the ID/WA area.  Look West and there is one near Bend, OR and another near Medford, OR.  All the ones in CA.  You can smell it in the air. It makes your throat feel scratchy and you feel like you want to constantly cough.  No amount of drinking fluids makes the feeling go away.  It also gives you a headache.

In other thoughts, I was going to enter or was considering at least to submit a couple of photos to the county fair.  The prizes aren't huge.  One fair, the big one next month awards like $15 for 1st prize.  The little one that is this weekend, awards $3 for 1st prize and there was another category that I didn't understand that awards $20. But I gave it some thought and decided that I would wait until next year's fairs.  I will look up all the local ones I can enter.  That will give me time to take some more photos (not that I don't have enough to pick from!) . Pick which I want to use.  Then get them printed and mounted so they are ready to go.

Another reason I want to wait, is that I am hoping that I can scrap together the money I will need for a name change.  I can't find anything in the rules that says I have to use my legal name, but then I don't want it to be a cause for disqualification if I didn't use it.  Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.  I should have jumped at the opportunity when he asked me if I wanted to go back to my maiden name all those years ago.  Instead, I hemmed and hawed over it.  I didn't think he was serious.  No point in wallowing in regrets about it though.  I can't change what I didn't do then.  I have about $100 or so saved, I still need another $150-$200 for it.  I was really going to save the money to buy a new lens for my camera.  But I feel like this is something I need to do.

YIKES!  Time is getting away from me.  I have to put dinner together and get it in the crockpot. 

Stay safe, Stay cool!

Sunday Summary

It's been too hot to do much of anything except putter around the house.  But after awhile, it even gets too hot to do that.

I just had a thought.  It goes back to Dr Kellee's workshop for Woman Unleashed.  One thing I have been wanting to do/feel is be my authentic and true self. To speak my truth, be who I was meant to be.  But, I never get to bring myself to do it.  If I start, I fall back into old habits and ways of being.  It just now hit me, why I don't get any further.  I am afraid people won't like me if I am my authentic self.  I bury the Brooklyn in me because people don't like it.  She's too coarse, too loud.  If I speak my truth, people won't like me.  So instead I stay silent, I stay in my old way of being.  I don't know how to change that because the fear is real.


Pretty much most of the counter and floor space has been found again at the house here.  It's nice to see the house being a house again.   Fall might be a time of repainting part of a room and doing some touch up and wall repairs where we dinged corners and what-not.  But that all depends on how Momma T's recovery is going.  Turns out she fractured her L-1!  All from turning wrong while lifting something.  OUCH!!!!!!!!



Yesterday, I was out of commission myself.  We've been off coffee for pretty much a week or so.  She and I have both been finding that drinking the coffee was making us nauseous in the mornings.  So as an experiment we switched to tea. Which I'm fine with really.  I LOVE my tea!  But towards the end of the week, I started waking up with a mild headache that was more annoying than painful.  But yesterday, it was a full blown migraine that even made sick to my stomach.  I went back to bed and slept for another 3 hours but it didn't help.  There was some coffee yesterday, so I grabbed a half a cup and an Advil Migraine.  Then stayed in bed all day nursing it with copious amounts of catching up on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon Prime and then watching The Two Towers and The Return of the King.  Because Lord of the Rings makes everything better.

I feel way better than I did yesterday. At least I feel human and like I can function on some sort of level.  Yesterday I couldn't even help with little Miss M.  Everything sounded like someone was dragging a needle across a vinyl record. 

Here's hoping I don't have one of those again!!!!!!!  It was NOT fun!

Practice, Practice, Practice

So I was lucky enough to finish up watching the Woman Unleashed video sessions that I was drawn to or interested in. 

As I mentioned yesterday, I came away with quite a few nuggets of wisdom. One of the last ones I watched today was the one with Dr. Kellee. It was another one of those that the topic got changed at the last moment so it didn't match the title. I almost didn't watch it because I thought it was going to be on weight loss and such. But then I saw some ladies posting about it, so I watched it and I'm glad I did. While it did touch on weight loss, the principles she talked about can (I think) be applied in many areas of life.

One of the things I came away with from that one was committing to 3 doable daily steps.  I have to figure out what those might be and then start to practice them.

And there is the magic word.  PRACTICE!

I do some of these sessions, whether is the ones from Woman Unleashed or some other online retreat/seminar/class/etc.  I get fired up about this or that.  I'm super excited in the moment.  I might even do it for a day or two, a week maybe. And then...............nothing. It's not that the message or practice doesn't resonate with me still, because most often it does. It's just I seem to let every thing and every one stop me from doing it. 

Whether it's that I just procrastinate until the day is done and over, or I let little comments get in my head and discourage me.  Or, it's myself and the gremlins of fear and doubt that creep in and stop me.

I'm so tired of that merry go round.  Ya know.  It's like a broken record as my mother used to say.  I want to get off that ride.  I want to live to the beat of a different drum, song. 

I want to live a creative life, an intentional life.  I just don't know how to get from the wanting to the doing, daily.  I don't want the Winter Solstice to come around and the next Woman Unleashed retreat is starting and I'm right back to where I am now.

Sunday Summary

The weekend is coming to a close and so is Woman Unleashed.  I've spent the last couple of days working through some of the workshops I wanted to view.

A particular favorite as always was Our Lady of Self Blessing with Shiloh Sophia.  I did a early draft of one in my art pad with markers.  But I think I might go bigger and do it up proper with paint.

Next favorite, Lollipop Girl Mermaid with Tam from Willowing.  Tam is one of the artists I first discovered 10 years ago.  I've attempted a few of her classes.  I "did" Lifebook in I want to say 2012? All the classes and pdf's are on my other hard drive. I really need to work on popping it into my current PC so that I can work through them. 

Writing Spirit with Lynn Andrews and Intuitive Writing with Shereen Sun were both very informative.  Loved Lisa Marie's session.

Okay, let me be real here.  I don't think that there was one session that I viewed that I didn't enjoy.


Some take away nuggets:

• The magic is on the other side of fear.
• Be present in the journey.
• Thank you fire for burning off what no longer serves me.
• Self blessing is a form of cultivating the sacred within our own life.
• Your Presence On This Earth Is INTENTIONAL And ON PURPOSE.
• Everyone has a book inside of them.
• We speak most clearly when we are passionate about something.
• The time of the lone wolf is over.

I'm sure there is more.  Some that I missed because I couldn't write it all down.  Some that I didn't watch.  

The next session of Woman Unleashed will be in the Winter.  Totally worth checking out!!!

Thursday's Thoughts

So, I am finally making time to work through the offerings of Woman Unleashed today.  I have until Sunday to do all the ones I care to partake in.  And the one I watched this afternoon was pretty powerful.

I've been feeling a bit like a lone wolf as of late. I have no family, no friends around to speak of.  Some people I connected with via blogs have fade into the background that is life.  And that's okay, friendships can ebb and flow like that. We all have shit going on in our lives that distract us from connecting.

But I have been thinking about how I have never really been part of a big group of friends. I've had a few small connections here and there. But eventually time lead us apart.  And even those I have reconnected with thanks to Facebook, the closeness that may have once been there isn't the same. Things are mostly happy birthdays and an occasional comment on a post here and there.  There is no deep connections or conversations. 

When I left Brooklyn, I never thought about how I was leaving my people behind.  I blindly jumped on what I thought was going to be a good thing, even though just a year earlier I got a preview that it wasn't going to be.  But I ignored the warning signs, ignored my gut, my intuition and we moved to Florida.  I was alone. I struggled more to fit in than when I was in high school.  I made no real friends in Florida.  And was happy to move to Georgia.

But, then guess what.  It was no different one state over.  Save that I did make at least one friend.  She helped me to get out when I was ready by driving me to the airport and helping me get my stuff to the pack and ship.

Now here I am in a new state, 2200 miles away.  I still have no friends.  No kindreds that I can go out to coffee with or share thoughts and ideas with.  I have the people around me, and I have bonded with Momma T.

Yet I am still alone. And I was thinking about how I was a lone wolf.  I was thinking how maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.  Maybe yes, maybe no.  I really don't have any answers.

But the workshop today was on the Flower of Life and taught by Lou Reed. No, not the singer. Each petal represented a segment of your life. One for basic needs, one for safety, and so on. She explained more in depth what each might include.  Then on a scale of 1-10 we were to color in where we felt we were at this point on each petal. I have to say my flower doesn't have a lot of color.

Then towards the end of the session, she says "The time of the lone wolf is over." And I paused, thinking oh what...wait.  Rewind. Too far back. It took me several tries to find the right time code on the video. I had to hear that again.  "The time of the lone wolf is over."  WOW!

So maybe I'm not meant to be a lone wolf after all. Because those words hit me good. But then, where is my pack?  How do I find them?  How do they find me? 

Weekend Wrap

My aunt messaged me today to tell me one of my cousin's husbands died yesterday.  I feel bad for her. As a nurse, it seems she is going through the "if only I was home" scenarios and syndrome.  It was sudden, he wasn't ill.  All the cousins my age, their kids are now graduating high school and some even older have enlisted or have gotten married and have their own kids.  It's so crazy to think of them as grandparents!

The conversation has turned to things in the neighborhood.  How much it has changed.  How the hipsters are moving in and pushing all the old timers out.  My other aunt recently had to vacate her apartment of probably over 50 years because it got sold for over a million dollars.  Now her old apartment is renting for $4000!  It was not a big apartment to begin with, no way it is worth that amount of money!  My aunt said I wouldn't recognize Greenpoint anymore if I came back.  Judging by pictures I have seen on Facebook or Instagram, I'd say she is right.  The only thing that hasn't changed are the two big churches, St. Stan's and St. Anthony's.  I guess I'll just hold on to the memories then.

I've been trying to take it a little easy today.  I had a weekend of free art classes to watch. But then I found out, each day's sessions were only up for 24 hours.  I had planned on watching a couple of those today, but now I can't.  Oh well.  I have the Women Unleashed retreat stuff I have to work through this week as well before they disappear.  This is the downside of not having had my computer for almost a month.

Tomorrow is supposed to be at least 102? I think that's what I saw last.  New thing....swelling in my feet and ankles.  Which then makes my feet feel like tingles or pins and needles by more mild.   Last night my ankles were also warm and light red.  I've had the swelling and tingles before when I lived in Georgia.  Usually if I've had it here, it was in conjunction with my cycles in the summer.  So this is kinda new for me.  But everything I have read so far is saying it's heat related, and I am not surprised.  I have a feeling that it's fibro related as well (if I do have it that is).  I might as well just say I do, it's how I feel but I'm no doctor. 

It's almost 7, probably should have some dinner but no one really wants to cook.  Maybe I'll just have a salad or finish some leftovers off.

Stay cool this week!

Quote For Today

I saw this quote come across my Instagram or Facebook feed the other day. Which feed is irrelevant really.  It's the quote that struck me and has been stuck in my head since.  I haven't watched the documentary yet on Netflix, but it's on my "to watch" list.

(Image found on Google)

I mean, how can you not love this quote. Especially if you have been through so really tough shit.

Have a great Saturday!

Today Was Better

It was a bit more tolerable today.  Not as hot, but still hot. We had some cloud cover come in that was left over from Fabio. But looking at next week....HO BOY!  Five days of  triple digits.  Not looking forward to that at all.

My sensitivity to yesterday's excessive heat did not go unnoticed.  I really need to figure out how to deal with next week's weather.  It might just be a week of bed days for all I know or Momma T and I will be spending the days in the fifth wheel that has A/C and nights in the house when it's cooler.  Unless stuff changes and it ends up not being bad at all.



Slowly, slowly the house is coming back together.  With Momma T hurting her back and me with all my pains, we can only do bits at a time.  One room took all day.  The kitchen counters are still acting as the catch all for stuff to be moved or put away.  Tomorrow is probably going to be  get the living room back to some sense of normal.

We also have to repaint at least half the room because of some issues with the paint and the color. But we can't do that in this weather.  There's another wall we've been wanting to redo since we painted two years ago.  Now, we'll have the opportunity to do that too. BUT...only when the weather/season changes. 

Most of the things that are needing done are just little things, just tedious really.  And the dust!  Dry wall dust is everywhere and on every thing.  It's so gross!  There is so much on the screen door that if you tap the screen, a cloud of dust comes off it and your hand is just covered in it. 

I'm sure when we are all done, my body is going to flare and give out on me.  I'm hoping it won't or at least not be bad.  But only time will tell.

Hoping we can sneak off to the Lavender Festival for a bit this weekend.  I've always wanted to go to one since I discovered that was a thing.  Missed the one last weekend.  So fingers crossed.