I Didn't Tell

There is so much rising up in me.  Anger. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety (that I am trying to keep bottled).  And more.  I believe Dr. Ford.  And every other girl/woman that was assaulted or an assault was attempted on. It's horrifying and disgusting that we are still living in an age where women are doubted. Called liars.  Victimized for being a victim. Blamed. UGH! It makes me want to scream!!


The first time, that I remember. I was about 10.  It was a second cousin. We were approximately the same age (11 months apart).  He wanted us to sleep in the same bed.  We were visiting my aunt who was his grandmother.  They allowed, the adults.  It seemed harmless.  He kept talking about how he wanted us to get married  when we were old enough.  Then he kept wanting to kiss me.  The adults kept coming in and telling him/us to go to sleep. But every time they left the room, he started back up again with the talking and wanting to kiss.  Finally they separated us.  He blamed me.  That it was my fault he had to sleep elsewhere. He stayed mad at me for a long time after that.  Years later, I found out that a couple years after that incident with me, he did it to my cousin. And in her case, tried to touch her or maybe he did. I don't think she told either. 

The next time, I was 11.  He was an adult.  He stopped when I yelled.  He tried to brush it off as nothing.  My mother was in the room, doing dishes at the sink.  She spun around and told him if he ever tried again, she'd do something to him.  Probably threatened to castrate him, I can't remember.  I told his mother what happened.  She said I had to be mistaken.  He was my father after all. My doubter, my grandma.  :(

Fast forward to I am 16. He was my boyfriend.  He was already physically abusive on more than one occasion.  I was virgin.  He raped me in my room.  I told him no.  I told him to stop.  I think I screamed.  A mutual friend was in another room.  He didn't do anything.  Acted like he didn't hear it.  I didn't tell.  I felt like no one would believe me.  Every time I tried to end things, my mother pushed us back together even though she knew he was abusive to me.  He was the son of her best friend in high school.  All the cops in town knew him and his brother.  They wouldn't have believed me either, or his brother would have made it go away.

Again, I'm 16.  I have my first migraine.  I was supposed to babysit, but couldn't go.  I was going to cancel but my mother offered to go in my place.  The people weren't thrilled, but agreed. While she was gone, my father was drinking with my boyfriend and another of our friends.  At some point, my father came into my room and started berating me for not going to babysit.  Then it was like a switch was flipped and he was not really seeing me.  He came at me like he wanted to do something sexual.  I kept yelling at him to stop, to go away.  He kept moving closer.  I slapped him and it was like he 'woke up'.  My the guys slipped him something. I will never know.  But they ignored my cries too.  Neither one came to help me.  When I finally told again his mom (my grandma) once again she didn't believe me.

A year later it was a stranger on the train that tried to grab my lady bits.  The train was crowd with morning commuters.  This guy found me every time for several days and on more than one day would try to fondle me.  I finally said very loudly that he needed to keep his hands to himself.  I never saw him again.

Several months later, working at a new job in a fast food chain it was one of my managers.  He would get handsy.  Not just with me, but several other female co-workers.  More than one of us told him to knock it off.  He treated it like a joke.  He would grab an arm, rub a shoulder, try to pull you in for a hug.  I went to our general manager with a complain. At least he took it seriously.  The offender was warned on more than one occasion to keep his hands to himself.  I ended up making a formal complaint.  I think maybe a couple of others did too.  The company moved him to a different store.

I didn't report because no one would believe me.  I was just over reacting, misunderstanding, confused, etc.  Even now.  All these years later.  When ever I talk about one of these incidents, I feel doubted. Like I am still not believed.  Like the listener thinks I am making it up.  That I'm crazy, that it's all in my head.   Even writing this, I can hear those nay sayers saying these things.  That I asked for it some how. That I should have expected it.  That I'm blowing things out of proportion.  Guys will be guys.  To just get over it, move on.

Maybe some day, hopefully in my lifetime we will be believed.