Midweek Musings

I've been trying to come up with catchy weekday titles to use when I don't have specific one in mind. So far, no luck LOL


The day after the visit pain was really hurty.  It hurt to sit, stand, lay down, walk. I broke down and took a pain pill which made me sleepy and a little loopy.  I can deal with sleepy, loopy not so much.  I don't like that feeling, probably why I don't drink myself drunk. How do people enjoy that?  It feels so shitty. I think I'll just stick to Tylenol even if I feel like it's not helping.

Wrist is still hurting.  Ring finger and pinky along with it. He, the young doctor, said I had some weakness in my hands.  I don't know what that means though.

I went in for my fasting labs yesterday.  It took 3 girls and 30 minutes to get a vein that wouldn't roll away.  And that was only for 1 vial!  I asked if he was checking my thyroid as well.  Cuz you know, I figured with all my complaints about pain and such he might want to look at some other things.  But, no. He's just doing Cholesterol and Sugars.  Which is fine and dandy, but since he also never had labs on me wouldn't it have been a good idea to check other stuff?

Now, I am waiting for the results and wondering am I going to get an everything is fine or is it going to be like my xrays were.

I'm not a fan of going to the doctor and taking meds.  I don't know who is.  But I can certainly understand why people avoid going all together.  Gone are the days where your doctor actually listens to you and takes the time with you.


In other musings.....

I found out over FB that my oldest got engaged.   If I didn't see the photos on my youngest's page, I wouldn't know about it.  She isn't speaking to me (the oldest) and has even unfriended me on FB. When I last spoke to them, she never once said she was mad at me or anything.  In the seven years I've been gone, she has not called me one time. The youngest has called me a few times, but not once did the oldest. I even found out she was dating via FB.  Any big thing in their life, I only find out if I happen to see it on FB.  When ever I call there, I feel like I am bothering them.  They hardly pay attention to the conversation and go about doing things and talking to each other like I'm not even on the phone.  When I left, I was open with them about the leaving and why.  They both had the opportunity to go with me.  I gave them a choice.  They were both old enough.  They both chose to stay.

People back there, that don't know me at all don't like me because of whatever  version of the truth they have been told.  So I guess I've been labeled as the toxic person.

My entire life has been one giant gaslighting session.  I was not good enough for my mother, I was not good enough for HIM.  I constantly had to prove my worth.  Prove that I was good enough, that I was not a fuck up, that I wasn't stupid.  But not matter how hard I tried, there was always something else to fight to prove.  Then, at least with HIM, I was crazy. You needed meds, you needed a shrink, you heard it wrong, and on and on.

I am at the point in my life where you know what, I'm going to be 49 years old.  Life is too short.  If making me be the bad guy helps you sleep at night, more power too ya.  I'm too tired of fighting to make people see me for who I am and not the labels others have put on me.   It's just like people that think I am just like my mother.  I'm at the fuck it point.  You wanna judge me on what she said and did, go for it.  More power too ya.  I'm tired of jumping through hoops, dancing a jig, and kissing ass just to prove something to them.

Either take the time to actually get to know me and my story or take your closed minded judgemental self elsewhere.  I'm tired of pleasing people.  I'm tired of living my life for other peoples pleasures and happiness.  When do I get to be happy?