My Word For 2019

Usually by this point of December, I am on the hunt for my word for the new year.  Instead of making resolution that will no doubt be broken before the first week is over, I have been choosing a word.  You can choose a phrase too, if that works better.  I know some that pick two or three words for the year.  Some even go so far as to pick a new word each month.  But I like the idea of focusing on one word for the year.

I guess I first heard about this process about ten years ago, but I didn't start choosing my word until 2011 when I chose FREEDOM.  That was such a big word for me.  It was scary and big and I think it showed up in amazing ways that year.  Since then, I've had some hits and misses where I had my word but feel like I might have missed the mark with a few here and there.

This year, I didn't even have to think about my word.  It actually surprised me by showing up shortly after Thanksgiving.  I felt a little uncomfortable with it because of the potential religious undertones it can have.  So I wrote it down. And then a phrase came to mind like a day or so later.  And that really shook things up in me.  Again because of the religious nature of one of the words. So, I have just been sitting with them these last couple of weeks. What I have noticed is the word itself has been coming to me now from many MANY directions.  Kind of the way DREAM did for me a couple of years back.

So a little background about why these words took me off guard.  I was raised Catholic.  Nine years of Catholic school, going to Mass on and off for those years.  A brief return to the Church in 2004/2005 or so.  Growing up, it was expected that you took the priests/nuns at their word.  That you weren't to question religious lessons or them for that matter.  Though I was always fascinated by the ritual of Mass, save the up/down/kneel up/down/kneel for an hour lol. 

Between 1991 and 2003 or so.  I was attending one nondenominational church or another.  One thing I found was that all those people that wanted you saved and reading the bible and praying....not one was willing to answer questions.  It's like a race to save as many people as they can, then they toss them into the deep end without teaching them how to swim.  And so many churches and pastors preach a 'my way or the highway' type thing.  If you believe a little differently or question something, you're basically shunned.  It seems more prevalent with smaller churches.  In the larger, mega churches, you don't really have access to the pastor or leaders. 

At some point, I realized I felt, thought, and believed differently than those I was associated with.  I started feeling called by the Goddess and have wanted to explore that path. But here I am, some 15 or so years later and I haven't done much exploring. I feel like in some ways I have been in a sort of limbo or wandering in circles.

So I was quite surprised when the word SACRED came to me.  I was ready to be all "NOPE! Not gonna happen!" and run screaming from it.  But I paused for a moment and instead decided to sit with it.  I have rarely stuck with the first word that came to mind before entering the new year.  I began to notice almost every day the word SACRED was coming to me from various directions.  And then I began to feel the Goddess tugging at me again.  Specifically Cerridwen, who came to me about that time 15 years ago.

Days later after the word came to me, the phrase "Art as Prayer and Practice" came to me.  And again, I wanted to run screaming in the other direction from the word Prayer.  Many words that have religious overtones and are associated with church and religion just bring up negative emotions and feelings in me.  But still, I wrote down the words anyway and agreed to sit with it as well.

The more I sit with all this, the more if  feels right.  So, I am not going to fight it.  I am going to let the Goddess Cerridwen lead and I will do my best to follow into the SACRED.   To let her lead me into the creative life I so desire.

I don't know how this is going to work out, or where it is going to lead. I am so looking forward to LIFEBOOK 2019.  Bummed a bit that I can't take part in Book of Days and/or Moonshine with Effy Wild.   Women Unleashed starts tomorrow, yay! 

The words "If not now, when" keeps coming to mind.  If I don't make the time and create the space for me that I want now, then when will I?   I keep putting things off, time and time again.  How long will I keep denying myself?  Am I  not worth it?