Day 30 - Celebrate!

Today’s Nudge: Celebrate.

So here we are on day 30.  30 days, 30 posts.  In my case, I did it times two, so 60 posts. It really feels good to have blogged for 30 days.

It is a good reason to celebrate. I completed something. I stuck with it.  

Did I waver? Sure. There were a few times I almost didn't post. But I was determined to complete something this year.

So yep, I did a thing. Every Day!

I hope to keep going next month. It's the plan anyway. There is PDF of prompts for October that can be found over on Effy's blog post for today.

Thank you for joining me on this 30 day blog along.

I look forward to reading more from those of you I met along the way.

Day 29 - Recap

Today’s Nudge: Recap the month.

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: "When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

― Gabrielle Roth

As I was writing my post for my Wordpress blog, this quote came to mind.  It's sums up Effy and this entire month of blog postings. With a gentle nudge every day she prompted us with a question.  It was our choice to use the nudge or not for our posts. I only deviated once.  Whether she knows it or not, she was the medicine woman this month. 

By her prompts, nudges, I dug a little.  Not as far as I would like to have dug, but that gentle digging you do when you are planting flowers in a flower bed.  With a little trowel you sit and you dig little holes to plant seeds or small plants in hopes that they grow into something beautiful.  This month as sort of felt like tending a garden that has been a little neglected, under watered and weeds creeping in.

It has made me realize that I am still in people pleaser mode.  Don't type, you're typing too loud.  Don't paint faces with eyes, it's too creepy to have your paintings staring out off the canvas or paper.  Don't sing, don't dance, don't don't don't.  Do what you want but don't do that.  I know we all have to live in harmony and do things to make other people happy.  But why does everything come at the expense of our own joy?

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have really enjoyed posting every day, and on two blogs no less.  I don't know yet how I will continue in October and beyond.  The prompts from Effy end tomorrow.  I know there are other monthly prompts, themes out there. I don't know if there are any that make you go as deep as these. I guess we will find out in a couple of days, won't we.

Day 28 - Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?

Using the alt-prompt.  
Answer: I don't know.  

As I wrote on my Wordpress post, the following possibilities are I'm Lost, Adrift, Lonely (for a Tribe).  All of the above? Probably, maybe, yes.  I don't know.

I feel like a wandering nomad just going in circles. No rhyme or reason.  Just going from circle to circle within a circle.  No direction.  

There are things I want to be doing, should be doing, long to be doing.  Some days the energy level just isn't there other than to exist for the day.  Some days, I can't form cohesive thoughts or words or actions to do anything worth while.  

I keep waiting for some divine zap of inspiration out of the cosmos.  Some swift kick in the arse to get me to let go of the fears. 

You know what?  They aren't coming.  I keep dancing this dance and I'm getting, NO! I am tired of it.

My Muse isn't going to come to me, I'm going to have to go hunt the bitch down and drag her arse back to me kicking and screaming.  I will make a sign for the door and close it if I want to be left to the creative madness in peace.

I have 6 new bigger canvases waiting to be used. One smaller one that I have had for I don't know how long.  The other that was in the pack is actually on the easel with a painting in progress.  I have a stack of journals waiting to be used. Some still blank, others in various states of being filled.  I keep buying more, especially if the price is too good to pass up.  But then all they do is get added to a pile.  

Here's the thing. I'm going to be 48 next month.  50 in two years.  And I'm still waiting around sitting on my arse, letting fear control what I do or don't do.  For Fuck Sakes enough already.  No one is going to make the changes for me.  The fears are not going to one day say "Oh we're bored with this one, time to move on". 

I don't have the money to do all that I want to do.  But I can use what I have and begin where I am.  I can figure out how to afford to legally change my name back.  Because honestly, I don't know if or when he'll ever grant me a divorce.  I don't have the means to buy a shed or the supplies to build on to make into an art studio.  I will have to make my corner work.  

Pain or no pain, energy or no energy, money or none, Fear....FUCK YOU!  I cannot just sit by and watch the world and the days go by anymore.  

On WP, I said I think I am in a place of transition.  And maybe I am.  I probably am.  I feel like I am heading that way.  But I am at a fork in the road.  The one leads to great things that I create and the life I dream about, the other leads to staying in the same damn wandering circle.  I have a choice to make.

Day 27 - On Being Human

Today’s Nudge: Share a human moment you’ve had recently.


I feel things deeply, sometimes too deeply.  Sometimes everything just feels heavy, or my heart will physically ache with the hurt and suffering going on.  In those moments, I have to step away from social media. And then I'll usually binge watch something for hours.  Grey's Anatomy, Call The Midwife, Outlander.  I should be going to my easel and/or art journal and painting it out. Or write it out.  But for now a cup of tea and binging on a show is how I cope.

I have no way to help those that are hurting and in need right now.  Love and light, thoughts and prayers do nothing to aide them.  People are dying in earthquakes, floods, fires, and hurricanes. But we can't be fucking human enough to lend a helping hand and perhaps save a life. 

*kicks soapbox back in the corner*

I am going to make a conscious effort that when ever I am out I will try to do something human(e). Last week it was helping the elderly gentleman on oxygen.  A month ago, it was helping a lady who bought a cart load of stuff at Ross, but couldn't get it all to her car because she was on crutches.  Three of us, strangers, jumped in to help her get everything to her vehicle.  And you know what? I didn't hurt me in the least to offer and do one simple act of kindness.

So many times when I do get to go out, I am so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts.  I fail to pay attention to what is happening around me.  I turn away at the person on the street corner asking for a hand out.  But the simple answer is, the ones I see are there.  ALL.THE.TIME.  With the same sign, day after day, week after week.  Sometimes a couple of months go by and the same person is still on the same corner asking for 'gas money' to get to some distant place.  They give those who truly need a helping hand or a few bucks a bad name.  

But I'm deviating here.  When I go out, I want to go with eye and ears open.  I want to be able to offer someone that one small shred of humanity.  To show some that there are still good people in this world.  I can't help financially or physically to those places that are so desperately in need.  But when I am out and about, I can do some RAK for a strange in my midst.  It costs nothing to be human.  

Day 26 - Wants, Then and Now

Today’s nudge: Compare what you used to want with what you presently want.

I used to want a lot of things.  But then life happened and I grew, reality set in.  Looking back now, some of things I wanted then look nothing like the things I want now.  Or perhaps they are the same, just slightly different?  More mature, wiser even?

I used to not want to be the black sheep, the odd person out.  The wallflower.  The square peg.  I have never been truly accepted based off of who I am.  I've always been judged by the deeds of my mother.  I thought leaving NY would shed that feeling, but it didn't. I would try to fit in, say the right things, jump through hoops to please people.  

Now, well....I just don't give a shit.  Okay, I do, but not like I used to.  I won't jump hoops for anyone any more.  I won't agree with you or say things to appease you. I would be happy to have a small tribe that get me and we all get along.  We can have different views and ideas, but we are open to discuss and debate and still remain friends in the end. I just want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am or who I am trying to figure out I am.

When I was little, I said I would never get married.  My living example of a marriage was tumultuous.  Alcoholic father, narcissistic mother - such a volatile combination.  Sure I had my grandparents as an example.  But get married I did.  If knew then, what I knew now I probably would have never done it.  That's not to say it wouldn't have happened eventually, I dunno.  But I did it.  I got two beautiful girls out of it, the only good thing to happen out of it.  I gave up my hopes and dreams for him, so he could do the things he wanted.  I supported every decisions, even the ones I disagreed with.  But I wasn't ever granted the same in return. The only thing that piece of paper does is grants you some benefits you might not otherwise be entitled to. 

What do I want now?  To just live a happy, healthy, satisfied life.  To be liked for who I am and not who you want me to be.  To have a small group of close knit people, to have a person.  You know like Meredith and Christina.  I want to live my dreams.

Day 25 - A Way I've Changed

Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.

Change?  I don't do change well.  It's right up there with bragging on myself you know.  The more I try to change, the more I think I stay the same.  Out of fear.

I don't fit in, not well.  I'm like that square peg trying to wedge myself into a round hole.  I never felt like I fit in with my family growing up.  I never fit in with the ex that's not yet an ex's family.  I don't really feel like I fit any where.  Even now.  It sucks!

Every time I try to make changes, I feel like I end up going backwards instead of forwards.  I second guess every move, every choice, every decision.  I've been conditioned since I was child to doubt and that I didn't know anything. I've been conditioned to believe I am not good enough and nothing that I do will ever be good enough, no matter how hard I try.

SO! I am trying my damnedest to change that line of thinking. The first step towards that end was leaving the ex that's not yet an ex.  Before that, it was not pursuing my mother when she stopped speaking to me.  I no longer served a purpose for her, so she wanted nothing to do with me. If it had been done on my terms I would have been labeled an ungrateful bitch.  But, guess what.  I was still labeled that even though it was done on her terms.  Funny how that happened, eh.

Trying to be a more authentic version of myself is difficult because it offends and pisses off people. You know like how dare I want to be me, to be true to myself, to stand up for what I believe in, to speak my mind. How dare I have an opinion!

So I don't know if I have changed, at least outwardly.  Perhaps inward, in some of my thinking.  Change is a work in progress.

Day 24 - Something You're Proud Of

Today’s Nudge: Share something you’re proud of.


I hate bragging, tooting my own horn, patting myself on the back.  It's too hard, and when you've been told often that you're too big for your britches or something along those lines.  Well, you just avoid doing it.

If I have to say something, I'd say I was proud of myself for finding the courage to leave the Not Soon Enough To Be Ex.  I'm proud of my daughters.  I'm proud of my heritage.  That one is a tough one to say.  My mother did her best to try and make me hate my roots.  I'm proud of the art I have created thus far.  It may not be gallery worthy, but I made it and it's something I would never have dreamed of doing 20 years ago.

I'm sure there is more I could say if I give it enough thought.  But, I'm tired and I'm in pain (again, still) (stupid back pain!)

Geez how in the hell am I going to come up with stuff for a weekly "Sunday Shiny" if I can't even say one simple thing I'm proud of without feeling guilty! 

Day 23 - What Is Sacred?

Today’s Nudge: Post about something that’s sacred to you.


Effy asked us to day what is sacred.  For me, there are lots of things.

• My Books
• My Journals, both art and writing
• My Pens.  I will cut you if you mess with my pens.  Okay I'd just get loud if you lose or break one.
• My Art Supplies
• My Genealogy Work
• My Photo and Albums that I created for my genealogy.
• My Art and My Writing
• My Rosary collection
• My Grandmother's memory and her faith in the Virgin Mary

I could probably go one a bit more.  What isn't on that list of sacred things, is my personal space. I have never had my personal space/bubble/boundaries respected.  Even as a kid, my mother thought nothing of going through my room and my things to find "evidence" of wrong doing.  She'd read my diary, go through my book bag and all my note books. I think that is part of the reason why I have such a hard time keeping up with a daily journal practice. She scarred me with her snooping

If I tried to have a space of my own to sit and create, people have had no qualms about just barging in and interrupting or trying to hover over my shoulder and asking a million questions.  Plainly stating that I'm going to try and work on something and didn't wish to be disturbed was pointless.  I might as well had a sign up that said come on in, don't mind me.  Why is so fucking hard for people to understand and respect someone's boundaries or space? I don't invade your shit, don't invade mine! It really is a sore spot with me.  But I won't get on my soap box and rant about it any more than I already have. Do you think signs like these might help in the future? (Images found on Google)

Day 22 - Blessed Mabon

Today’s Nudge: Post something seasonal.


Blessed Mabon, Blessed Alban Elfed.  Happy Fall Y'all!  Or Happy Spring if you're in the Southern Hemisphere. 

Fall is my favorite time of the year.  The leaves change to all these beautiful colors. It's squash season!  I love squash!! And sweet potatoes are coming into season too.  YUM!!! 

If you are interested in learning more about Alban Elfed, The Druid's Garden has a wonderful article on it.  A quick search on the Google for either Mabon or Alban Elfed will turn up a plethora of articles.

Wishing you all much happiness and prosperity on this harvest season.

Day 21 - Resource

Today’s Nudge: Pick something from The Daily Post to blog about OR share a resource you really like with your readership. 

So I completely spaced the B&W challenge I thought of starting today.  
It was supposed to be a kind of busy day, but things didn't happen that were supposed to happen.
Those things are supposed to be rescheduled but we don't know when.

Okay, so the nudge.  If you are new to blogging or even if you aren't, checking out The Daily Post might 
be a good idea.  There looks to be some really great posts on there about blogging, photography, and several 
other topics.  I'm not new at blogging, but a few posts caught my eye and when I have some time I plan to 
read through them.

Pintrest is one of my favorite rabbit holes to explore.  Sometimes I really get lost on there!

Another favorite resource is Goggle Image Search.  I also sometimes fall down that rabbit hole too.

When I am in my writing mode of mind, and I'm looking for name ideas one of my favorite places to go to 
is Seventh Sanctum . I've spent a lot of hours on there using the generators. 

So there's a few of my favorite resources.  What are some of yours?

Day 20 - Challenge

Today’s Nudge: Create a contest or challenge for your readership.


I don't have anything to offer by way of a contest. I thought maybe to go with a challenge.

But what kind of challenge?  I'm terrible at following through with them myself.

I either fail to start or fail to finish.  One or the other.

I've tried a number of them, more than once.  Even some self imposed challenges.  And I never 
seem to finish them.

This blog along is the first that I've been consecutive at. There have been a few days where I didn't
want to post, or I felt too tired to think straight.  But I did it anyway. I aim to complete this challenge!

I always see ones going around on Instagram.  A reading challenge, a photo challenge, a post challenge.
I like the B&W for 7 days one that is going around.  I just find it so hard to commit to any of them, no matter 
how fun or cool they sound.

I think part of it comes down to I hate answering questions about what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.  
It sometimes makes me feel like I need permission to do a thing.  I hate that!

My challenge to you then is this, pick a thing you have been wanting to do.  Writing, painting, journaling, etc.
And commit to doing it for the next 7 days.  I, in turn, will do the same.  Challenge starts tomorrow!

Day 18 - Feature

Today’s Nudge: Feature one or two people who do what you do but in a different way in your blog today.


I don't paint the way she does.  I don't even feel like I have the skill set to do it.  Maybe I will if one day I get to take one of her classes.  But right now one of the artists I really admire is Shiloh Sophia.  Her iconic style (at least that what I see it is, I don't know if that is the proper name for it) of painting is so very awe inspiring.

I also a big fan of Effy Wild's work.  Her style of art journaling is so beautiful.  She makes it look so easy.  
Then here is Tamara LaPorte and her whimsy style art girls.  That's three! 

Of course there are a few more I admire.  Some I've mentioned in a previous post.  There is something learn and take away from all of these talented ladies.

Day 18 - Life Hacks

Today’s Nudge: Share a Life Hack. (Life Hack is defined in a link in today's post


Life hack(s).  Hmmmm.  I can't say that I have any.  Or at least none that I can think of.

I used to try and find short cuts, use a planner, be more organized.  But I don't think it is in my 
nature for such things.  I find I use a planner more for things I might accomplish rather than things
I need to do. Or more as a diary to remember things that happened without having to journal it out
unless I really needed to.

I seriously can't think of anything to call a life hack for this post.  
So frustrating.

I'm not an organized person.  One look at my art table will tell you that. LOL
BUT, when it comes to preparing for something BIG like a trip.  I make lists. Lots of lists.
Then I will lay out items from said list if applicable. As I pack or purchase to be packed I check them off
said list(s).

So if I have to say anything, LISTS are my life hack.  I have a running list of art supplies I want. Another of books 
I want.  One of Tarot decks.  One of decor items I might want/need.  Lists of World of Warcraft related things, like pets I want to tame on my hunter, achievements I want to do on my druid. I make lists of best in slot gear, rotations for healing.

So okay there....my life hack....LISTS :)

Day 17 - Showing Off!

Today’s Nudge: Show off without apologizing.
Optional nudge: Start a blog series that you can commit to updating regularly that will help you build your community.


Show off without apology? YIKES! 
Or start a blog series?  Double YIKES!

I was always told not to show off.  If I did, I was knocked down to size pretty quick.  Or told I was too big for my britches.  Who the hell did I think I was?  Etc and so on.  So to brag, or pat myself on the back for accomplishing something, making something wonderful...doesn't come easy. AT ALL!

If I make a really good meal, I can't take a compliment.  I have to point out all the things I think is wrong with the dish.  Saying thank you and feeling good about it, that is rare for me.  If I make a thing, it's the same.  I point out all the problems, that I should have done this or that.  Dress up?  Same thing.  I don't have much of a self esteem.  I am quite insecure about just about everything.  I don't think there is anything that I don't have some level of insecurity over.  It's annoying AF!

Maybe, when this blog along is over, I can do something like "Sunday Shinnies".  Where I post about the "Oh Shiny!" things that happened over the week or something I made.  I dunno.  We'll see.  

But the nudge to show off something.  Okay how about some of my favorite photos I took?

Fall is in the air

Flight

Flood Waters - Boise River

Let's Have A Kiss

Sally and MinniBell

Day 16 - Trust

Today’s Nudge: Dig something really good out of your archived writings, or write about trust.


If you have been following and reading along from the beginning, it's no secret that I have trust issues. I suppose once upon a time I was overly trusting.  Trusting those in authority, trusting family, trusting those I gave my heart and/or friendship too.  Time and again, the trust I gave so freely was crushed to bits until one day there was none left to give.

See, I trusted my mother to protect me and be there for me.  Instead, she was a narcissist who tried to live through me.  It was as though I was an extension of her to live through.  She would push me to stay in a physically abusive relationship.  Every time I ended it, she would want to find him so we could get back together. I never understood why she would want that for me.  It was after he held me at knife point that it finally hit her that I needed to be away from him.

Then I met someone, who I thought I wanted to spend my life with.  I was young and naive, and didn't realize I was getting into a controlling relationship.  It was about four months before our wedding that we got into an argument.  I don't remember what it was about.  But he pulled his arm back like he was going to punch me.  I stood up as tall as I could compared to his larger size and told him coldly, "If wants to hit me to go ahead and hit me.  But I'll be the last bitch he ever laid a hand on." I don't know what made him stop, but he lowered his hand and walked away.  Not long after that, I ended it with him.  I wasn't going to be allowed out with friends.  If I went out, he needed a full itinerary and list of people I was going with. Then he'd want to go with me, even if it was a girl's night out.  NOPE! I got out of that. 

I have had a number of "friends" who only knew me when they needed me, other wise I wasn't even a blip on the radar.  If I needed them, they never had time or wanted to get involved. Then there was the one who was around all the time, smothering and trying to take over.  Actually there were two like that, and if I tried to gain some space I was hurtful and ungrateful.

Then there was the 'EX that isn't an ex yet".  I fell into that one hard, believed all the promises.  I ended up marrying a narcissist.  A term I didn't even know existed until a couple of years ago.  Every friendship I tried to build, he found a way to make me end it.  He didn't want me having friends.  How else do you control someone? Right.

So I built walls around me and my heart.  I become cold and didn't trust anyone. I didn't think I could ever trust again. But someone came along and chipped away at my walls, showed me that I could trust.  And now I am learning how to do that again.  I still won't give myself away freely like I used to.  I am still extremely hesitant to even budge on trust.  But I do try.  Maybe someday I won't be so afraid.

Day 15 - What Do I Know For Sure

Today’s Nudge: What’s something you know for sure?

I have no answer for that, because I am always so uncertain.
I doubt, I have fears, I second guess, etc.
I know I procrastinate and overthink.
But I don't think those are quite the answer.

I know choose to be Pagan was probably one of the better choices
I made.  Do I doubt or question sometimes, sure.  But, I still think it is
right for me.

Leaving my ex.  I know for sure it was right.  I don't feel like I have to walk
on eggshells all the time.  I'm still recovering from the aftermath of living with a
narcissist, and probably dealing with PTSD or C-PTSD.  I hate that my
girls chose to stay back there, it hurts.  But I know what I did was right for me.

I know that I am happiest when I am creating. I bought some new art supplies this
week.  THANK YOU COUPONS!!!!!!  And the clearance rack!

I really want to write a good post, but my brain and I are so tired.  So.so.tired!
So rather than ramble and fish for words I will say good night.

Day 14 - A Secret

Today’s Nudge: Share something that isn’t widely known about you.


I can't really think of anything that would apply to the prompt.  I've been pretty open on here, or as willing to share as I feel comfortable with.

I'm actually just too damn tired to even think.  The last couple of days I've slept like shit.  I've been up since before five this morning.  I tried to take a nap, which I hate to do, but I couldn't even do that. 

Hopefully tonight will be a little better. HOPEFULLY! And then I can get back to normal writing of posts.

Day 13 - Reminisce

Today’s Nudge: Reminisce.


I find, if I really think about it, that I reminisce. A LOT!  Sometimes it involves music, sometimes it involves food, sometimes photographs or my scrapbooks. 

Sometimes my reminiscing isn't what I want to do because it's those voices that tell you that you screwed up, fucked up, and what you do or don't deserve.  So I start walking down memory lane, rehashing things that sometimes should probably just stay laid to rest. But you know how it is, when those gremlins get their balls rolling, it can be pretty hard to stop.

I then end up going down go old "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda Lane".  And end up at the intersection where it crosses with "If Only I Had" Road.  It sucks when I end up on these trips.  Sometimes, I force myself to pull over and say enough. Doesn't always work, but sometimes it does.

When it doesn't, that's when I usually turn to music.  I go to the 80's soundtrack that is my late childhood and teenage years.  There are so many feel good songs there, but also a lot of songs that can push me to tears that are a good release. Sometimes it leads me to listen to some good ole Metallica with my headset as loud as I can stand it.  

I'd much rather reminisce with food.  Make those comfort foods that I enjoy and are good for my soul. Like a big batch of stuffed cabbage or my cheeseburger casserole.  My new go to comfort meal is zucchini casserole or a stuffed pepper casserole.  The weather is finally, FINALLY started to cool down, which means I can start using the oven again.  Which means casserole season!  And I want to give some baking a go.  I can't suck too bad at it, my Great Grandfather was a baker.

While it's fine to reminisce from time to time, I really need to start living in the present more.  The past is done, and I cannot change things.  I need to live in the present and think of the future.  But I won't give up my 80's music!   LOL

Day 12 - Influence

Today’s Nudge: Write about someone who has had a positive influence on you. Link to them, if they have an on line presence. Boost their signal.


My BIGGEST influence, well hands down is my Grandma.  No doubt about it.  She was always my biggest cheerleader and defender.  I wish she was still here with me so that I could bounce ideas off her and get her opinion and advice.  

Others who have influenced me:

Connie from http://www.dirtyfootprints-studio.com/  She taught me how to dream big and paint fearless. Lessons the I am still learning from.

Tamara LaPorte from https://www.willowing.org/  I'm still working through Art, Heart, and Healing, one of her freebies.  

Effy Wild from https://effywild.com/  By her example, I am seeing what it is like to have a daily creative practice.  I'm learning so much from her.  Especially how to turn the muck and mud into a beautiful lotus. I don't have a daily practice yet, I'm still working on that.  But I will get there.  

Who is your biggest, positive influence?

Day 11 - Never Forget

TODAY’S NUDGE: Give something away. A printable, a mini class, a tutorial you did on YouTube, or sound advice about something your readership might benefit from.



I am deviating from the prompts today.

If  you have been reading here for awhile, you may have read my past posts on 9/11.  
It's a day I can't forget.  Not now, not ever.

I was supposed to be there that day, with my girls.  I was to  be our last adventure in the big city before we flew out and brought Grandma home with us.  I didn't know when I would ever be back to my beloved home town. So I wanted to take in South Street Seaport, Battery Park, Trinity Church, and of course the Twin Towers.

I never imagined that my oldest would have the nosebleed of the century the night before. Scaring us shitless and nearly had me taking her to the ER.  I REALLY did not want to take her to the ER, that hospital we would have gone to is NOT the best.  Thankfully it stopped after lots of pressure, cold compresses, ice, and lots of calming her down.  It made for a restless night with very little sleep.  But still we were all excited to go on our adventure.

I never imagined waking up on that beautiful morning and hearing that report come over the radio. Surely I was mistaken, perhaps I was dreaming? It must be something else, did I really just hear them say a plane hit one of the towers?  I ran to the kitchen and flipped on the TV. To our shock and horror, there was ugly black smoke pouring out of one of the towers.  I was stunned to see another plane approaching a few moments later.  I waved frantically at the TV in a vain effort to shew the plane away from the second tower.  I knew I had no control over it but I tried anyway to no avail, and it struck.  What the fuck was happening? 

We sat in silence and shock as events continued to unfold. We eventually made it out of NY a few days later. The take off and landing were their own set of events.  That whole week leaves me wondering what is our purpose here.  We should have been there, amidst all the chaos and destruction.  But we weren't.  We probably should have collided with that helicopter on take off, but we didn't.  We probably should have hit that small plane as we were landing, or at best/worst crashed as the pilot pulled us out of landing to make another approach.  I mean we were just about to touch down.  To this day, I don't know how the fuck he pulled it off.

But we are here, I'm here.  I don't know why, but there is a reason.  A purpose, even if I don't know know what it is. But I am grateful.  So many that day did not get to come home to their families.  Lives were forever changed that day, we were forever changed that day.

I will never forget :(

Day 10 - Once Upon A Dream

Today’s Nudge: Write about a dream you once had that you let go of, and where that led you.


I've had my share of dreams over the years.  Many I let go of, some I still hold on to.

Since I was 12 I dreamed of being a writer.  I've been trying to achieve that dream since about 2004 or 2005. 2006 really put a damper on things when my Grandma died. She was my biggest cheerleader and supporter.  Not just of my dream of being a writer, but pretty much any dream I had.  

This lead me to finding blogging, which does get me writing just not in the manner I wanted to be. But I think by coming to the blog and showing up, it's teaching me how to sit my ass down and write.  Especially since I am also writing on two blogs.  It's not easy I want them to be a little different in the posts, yet similar enough.

Blogging is what led me to finding art journaling, which led me to teachers like Tamara LaPorte, Connie from Dirty Footprints, and of course our blog challenge hostess Effy Wild.  This led me to wanting to take art classes and wanting to paint, to be an artist.


So while I might be focused more on art right now, I've not truly let go of my dream of writing.  It is its own form of art.  I think that one day, when the writing Muse is ready, we will once again embark on that journey.  Over the years, if I really think about it, writing is the one dream I never really let go of. It's been put on the back burner...A LOT!  But it's always there.  Just waiting for inspiration to hit and the Muse to speak.

In the mean time, I will work on developing a creative practice where I can show up to my easel or my art table. I will blog.  I will take pictures. I will think about writing and what I want to write about.  And one day it will all come together.

Day 9 - Autobiography

TODAY’S NUDGE: Share something you’ve created that feels like it’s a part of your autobiography.



I can only hope that one day the things I create will somehow shed some light on who I was.  I hope one day to create and live a life that my girls can look up to.  That they can say 'Mom followed her heart and lived her dreams'.  I hope I've told them enough to instill in them to follow their dreams.  That they don't have to fit into someone else's mold of what they should be.

I hope to create art and to write stories.  I wish I knew more about my families histories so that I could write stories about them.  Leave a written legacy.  The best I can do is trace as much of my family tree as I can and document it. Write out what I remember of the stories my grandma told me and hope I can do them justice.  What I really need to do is write down every single thing I can remember her telling me and then go from there.

I think, I hope that by surviving the things I have been through and still finding the ability to keep going and build a good life.  That maybe through my stories and my survival can inspire someone else, maybe help them in someone.  

That you can even CHANGE your story.  Once upon a time, my story was dark.  I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into darkness with no way out.  But someone took a chance and threw me a rope and shed some light in my darkness.  I was able to pull myself out.  

I hope to build something out of the muck and mud of my life stories, something positive to be part of my legacy.