Happy New Year Fellow Bloggers and Followers

I want to wish all of you a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous and Magick filled 2010!


Some things I hope to accomplish for myself in the New Year in no particular order:

1. Get out of my current situation.
2. Write consistently, daily if possible but at least weekly.
3. Work on my family genealogy more.
4. Take at least the Certified Herbalist Course (online).
5. Take at least 1 online writing class or workshop.
6. Go to the Harry Potter Theme Park at Universal Studios, Florida
with the girls.
7. Read at least 1-2 books a month.
8. Get back to focusing on living healthier ie: cut out the Dr Pepper
and drink more water (better stock up on Life Waters), start doing
yoga again, take my vitamins.
9. Finish some crochet projects.
10. Do some more creative crafts.
11. Try to do monthly Dream boards, or at least make one to represent my
dreams for the year.
12. I wish I could travel a little bit, don't know where but just a wish. I so
want to take a trip to England.

I'm not really one to make resolutions because I usually don't stick to them. But
these are just some things I'd like to try to accomplish in the new year.

Almost Another Year Gone

We're almost at the end of another year. Where did the time go? I sit here pondering the things I didn't do, the things I did, and what do I want to do in 2010.


One thing I do want to do, is get out of my current situation. It's not healthy for me emotionally and it can affect me and sometimes does affect me physically and mentally. It's not good for my girls either. I don't want another year of this rollercoaster for any of us. I don't know how I'm going to make that change just yet, but I do know it has to be done.

I also want to focus on my writing. I mean really focus on it. I don't know if I want to try and work on my original WiP or my new one, or if I want to look at working on a whole new project entirely. I have this idea poking around, I can see glimpses of it. But whenever I try to actually focus on it and wrap my head around it, it fades away.

I have come to the conclusion that part of the reason my Muse is silent is because of all the stress in my life. Living with "HIM", putting up with "HIS" shit. The holidays...missing my Grandma and my Dad. Wanting to be with my beloved. It's been 2 months since he's visited and it feels like forever. I miss him terribly.

In an effort to get more focused on my writing, I plan to find and participate in all the nano-like projects I can find. Like JanNo. And then there's WriYe. Which I believe is a year long writing project or challenge. Not completely sure, I'm still looking at that one. But that's the plan so far. Hopefully my Muse will end her hiatus from me.

Much to my surprise...

Well, I'm a bit relieved. I guess its mostly because I didn't hear "THEM" after dinner was over and I made my escape to my room.

"SHE" made a comment that the girls were acting so silly and that one day they'd think back and realize just how silly they were. Implying they would regret it or that's how "SHE" was making it sound. I promptly told "HER" hey, they are kids they are supposed to be silly sometimes.

For the remainder of dinner, I realized "SHE" kept "HER" back to me the entire time. "SHE" turned in "HER" chair in such a way that "SHE" kept her back to me so "SHE" could watch TV. LMAO!

"SHE" left with out so much as a good bye, and that's fine by me. I'm just glad the day is over. I'll be glad when this year is over, too.

And Let the Aggrevation Begin

I really dislike the holidays at the moment. The longer I stay here with "HIM" the worse they are. On top of that, yesterday was 15 years that my dad past away. I miss him terribly. I wish he was here to see his granddaughters. I still remember the tears in his when he saw my oldest. She was only a 18 months old at the time, and he wanted so badly to play with her and pick her up. But he just didn't have the strength. He was so very weak. I would never have guessed that 3 months later he would be dead.

So, "HIS" sister is here. And "SHE" already has shit to say. First because Rosie and I didn't go rushing up to great her. We heard her saying "man she acts like she sees me everyday." Then our cat Gizmo was at the door looking for his dinner. And he was just so cute and fluffy at the door and I was talking to him telling don't worry Rosie's getting your dinner, and "SHE" goes man I don't think I've ever seen you so excited. Over a cat she can get excited. "SHE" is such a sarcastic bitch.

Over Thanksgiving, "SHE" left one of "HER" Christian movies here. And I guess one of the girls was going to watch it. And "HE" said oh one of the was watching it. "SHE" answers, "Well I hope she learned something from it."

"SHE'S" the type of Christian that crams the bible down your throat any chance "SHE" gets, preaching at you how you need to be saved, claim to love you, and then wouldn't think twice about stabbing you in the back when you aren't looking. "SHE" is such a fake. They both are. It's sick, it's annoying.

Dinner's been close to done for almost an hour or more I'd say. But we had to wait on her to arrive. "SHE" took "HER" sweet ass time getting here, and then makes this grand entrance and expects to be lavished with praises and then waited on hand and foot. And this is only the beginning...

I will probably have a vent post for the during and after dinner events. No doubt.

Happy Solstice

I just wanted to take a moment to wish every one a Happy Solstice and Blessed Yule.

I wish each and everyone of you many blessings. I hope all of your dreams and wishes come true.

It's been a hell of a day

Today it was gloomy, chilly, and pouring like mad most of the day. It was one of those days you just want to stay in bed snuggled deep in the covers. And considering the last few days haven't been the greatest, that's exactly what I wanted to do. But of course I couldn't do that, yet I wish I did.

The day started out normal enough, except for the rain. Then my youngest tried to ninja one of my shirts yet again. I told her she needs to stop taking my things without my permission and return the things that she'd already ninja'd from me. She got all pissy about it. So I yelled back at her that she should just take all my clothes then. Which I then proceeded to burst into tears and cried as hard as it was raining out side. She took the shirt and threw it on my bed and was like there hope you're happy, and walked out of my room. She hasn't spoken to nor looked at me all day. Even now, she still hasn't said a word.

Then to make my day even worse, "HE" calls and tells me that we have an appointment with the bankruptcy attorneys on Friday to file. So I casually asked what about the mortgage what's going to be done. "HIS" answer..."well they won't modify what we have and they won't negotiate. So we'll just file anyway. And see if I can't do some other modification with some one else in the mean time." I was stunned! WTF is "HE" thinking???? "HE's" going to gamble that they won't repo the house. The attorney already told "HIM" that there wasn't any guarantee that they wouldn't try to take it back. That they don't even have to reaffirm the loan we have now. If it was just the two of us I might not be so up set, but what about my kids? "HE" made a big speech that this is the only home the girls have know for the last 10 or 11 years and "HE" doesn't want to give it up, but yet "HE's" done nothing to make sure that it won't get lost.

If they decide they want us out, I have no place to go. I have no job, no money, no friends. My family well 1) is out of state and 2) won't help anyway. I will not live with "HIS" sister again. NO WAY!! And "SHE" is in the process of looking at filing herself. What the hell am I supposed to do??

If "HE'd" have taken care of things 10 months ago when we first saw the attorney and done what they said to do we might not be in this position. But "HE" took "HIS" sweet old time about everything. And now because "HE" got served by some creditors, NOW "HE" wants to do something, and still didn't do much to secure the house. Other than read some websites and look over a couple of applications.

I just want out of this house, out of this marriage. The marriage was over a long time ago, even my grandma I think saw that. But still I tried to make it work to no avail. I want to just start fresh with my girls. Without "HIM" in the picture. I know I can't keep "HIM" out of their lives but you know what I mean. I just don't know what to do.

Nano has come to an end

So, it's December 1st and NaNoWriMo has come to an end. I barely hit 5,000 words. I'm disappointed in myself that I let "HIM" and just stuff stress me out to the point I couldn't think. One of these years I will proudly sport a "WINNER" button on my blog. Maybe 2010? If I plot, plan, research now and continue until then...just maybe.

I mean there was even a point after a read a preview of a new series I want to check out that I actually started to feel the creative juices brewing. I heard the gears squeak in resistance at first, I saw a real glimpse of my Muse. But then..."HE" happened and yea...everything froze. The ideas, the creative juices...poof...gone.

Try as I might, I can't seem to do anything while I'm under the same roof with him anymore. I feel like I can't breathe, like I can't live, I can't be me, I can't do the things I want to do...need to do. I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating while I'm under "HIS" roof.

I'm going to call it "HIS" home or under "HIS" roof because this doesn't feel like home to me. It hasn't felt like my house or my home for a very, very long time now.

But some how, some way I have to find a way to write, to create, to breathe again.

After the Turkey...Sorta

You know, I really dreaded this day and for good reason. Spending it with "HIM" and his sister is just...UGH! If it weren't for my girls I think I'd have gone nuts.

To start, "SHE" comes waltzing in like a prima donna as usually is the case with her. Que fake air kiss and fake sentiments. "SHE" was cold to me and my girls right after she walked in the door. My oldest said she could feel the icicles forming. Of course, "HE" wasn't here at that particular moment so he didn't see the performance "SHE" put on. Not that it would have mattered if "HE" did.

Then we have the forced family photo with poor little Tom Turkey. I tried my best to avoid standing too close to "HIM". But "HE" wasn't having it. On the second photo, "HE" deliberately moved my youngest over so that "HE" could be close to me and try to put an arm around me. I tried to pull away some, and "HE" scolded me like I was a 5 year old.

I have a pretty good relationship with my kids. We homeschool, so we spend a lot of time together. And even if they were in public school, I'd still be home waiting for them after school. Well we tend to cut up a bit quite often, we have fun together. We enjoy goofing off, ya know. Well we were having a bit of a silly moment as we were serving ourselves some of the trimmings of dinner. And "SHE" proceeded to say how my girls and I spend entirely too much time together. EXCUSE ME?!?!? Spend too much time with my kids? Is that wrong? Is it a crime? Am I supposed to push them off on other people to take care so I don't have to deal with them? Oh wait, heh, that's what "SHE" did with her son when he was growing up. I can't tell you how many weekends this kid spent with us growing up because "SHE" needed space. And if the kid wasn't with us, he was with "HER" cousin. And she wonders why he moved out of state and refuses to move his wife and child back here to live with her.

Then "SHE" kept saying my girls have no concept of etiquette. And how schools are starting to implement lessons in etiquette because kids today have no concept of it or some shit like that. And how "SHE" could give them a good lesson in how to behave properly. I'm sorry but I don't believe I asked you. And if I don't or didn't have a problem with their behavior what place is it of "HERS". I mean they weren't doing anything wrong, they were talking to each other and giggling. We were at home, no strangers per say. And for the record, when we are out to eat in public, they are quiet 99% of the time. Unless it's a noisy place to begin with, LOL.

Oh, yea...and then there was "THE BLESSING!" We stopped saying grace at the table along time ago. Probably some where around the time we stopped going to church for the hundredth time? LOL! Any, "HE" made a big show of say grace probably for "HER" benefit but still...and all my youngest could do was giggle through it all. Which "HE" scolded her for by the way. I was secretly cheering her on to be honest. LOL I couldn't help it.

Then on to the meal, and more of "HER" complaining about the girls etiquette or in "HER" opinion lack there of. So as part of a conversation, "HE" brings up about the Macy's parade in NYC. Earlier in the day, "HE" asked me for the 20th year in a row if I had ever attended as a kid or while I was living in NY. And for the 20th year in a row, my response was the same as it's always been "NO" followed by the same explanation of why I didn't ever go. And for 20 years "HE" had always said "HE" never attended either...until today. "HE" asked his sister if she'd ever gone, and "HER" reply was no and "HE" was like "Yea she never went either. But you know, I did one year back when I had a Macy's card." I just sat there and was like WTF? All these years you tell me you never went and now all of a sudden you did once! Just another lie to add to the list, and makes me wonder just how many more there are that I don't know.

After I finished eating, I just couldn't take it anymore listening to those two. So I finally left the room, went back to my room and that's where I've stayed pretty much for the last few hours. I can't wait till this day is finally over and "SHE" goes home. But they're having one of their heavy holy roller bible discussions and how certain people are where they are in their lives today solely because of them. Then I still have to deal with "HIM" 3 more days! UGH...Is it Monday yet??

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving. Sometimes I wonder what it is
we are truly celebrating. Do we really need to set aside an "official" day to be
thankful for what we have and those we love? Shouldn't that be an every day
occurrence?

It's a sad day for me. It doesn't feel like the same day any more. I used to
enjoy cooking the turkey and all the trimmings. But three years ago, on
Thanksgiving Day my grandma passed away just ten minutes or so after I left
the room to check on the stupid turkey. I should have stayed with her, not
checked on the dumb bird. There were other people in the kitchen that could
have tended to such a trivial matter.

I try to see the positive in this. But other than she is no longer in pain and
hopefully at peace... I don't see anything positive. If I could, I would just
stay in bed all day and pretend this day doesn't exist in my world anymore.
And to make matters worse, I have to spend tomorrow/later with "HIM" and his
"holy roller" sister. I'm so not looking forward to this at all.

I wish I was spending it with my beloved and his family so bad. They even
asked if I was coming. How I wish it was possible. To maybe finally feel
like I am a part of a family, a part of somewhere I truly belong.

But regardless of how I feel, I want to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.
May your day be safe, and filled with happiness, good food and loved ones.

Blessed Be!

Wishcast Wednesday - Steps

Today Jamie asked us "What step do you wish to take?"

It's another one of the those that is making me go "HMMMMM?!"

I have so many things I want to do, need to do. I don't know where
to start sometimes, most times, all the time. Things just seem so
complicated all the time and I don't see them getting less complicated
anytime soon.

I wish to take a firm step towards my writing. That no matter what, I
need to write something even if it's just a little bit everyday.

I wish to take a step towards clearing out the clutter in my life. I'm such a
pack rat, and when my beloved and I get to be together I don't want to be
dragging all this unnecessary stuff with me. In essence it will be a step
towards letting go of the past as well.

I wish to take a step towards creativity. I enjoy arts and crafts, I enjoy
crocheting. I wish to be able to work on some projects and complete what
I start. And maybe possibly sell them online in the future.

I wish to take a step toward embracing the Goddess and my path what ever
that may be.

Wishcast Wednesday-Embrace

Today's Wishcast by Jamie Ridler is "What do you wish to embrace?"

Looking at this question, my first response was..."I don't know."
Then I started to think about it. And I am finding that I have more than one
thing I wish to embrace.

1) My true self. The person that I buried deep inside, that I hid away from
all the pain and hurt.
2) My muse. I want to embrace her, to write again.
3) My passion. I want to embrace my passion for writing along with my muse
so that I can write again. (yes I realize I just repeated that I want to write again. :D)
4) My path, where ever the Goddess may lead me. At times I feel eclectic, and at other times drawn to a Celtic path.
5) To embrace the love my beloved has for me. To accept it, welcome it, and let myself be loved and be happy.

Dreams...or Nightmares

I'm not one to interpret dreams. I don't even know how. I mean aside from googling dream dictionary sites and then there are soooooo many different interpretations.

Most times, I don't really remember my dreams. Even if I do, it's so vague and doesn't make sense that I usually forget it soon after I wake up. But this one, I can't shake it. It was so vivid, so real, it terrified me.

In my dream, I was asleep in my room. And then "HE" came in acting like "he" was going to look out the window but instead climbed into the bed. I was tangled in the blankets and "he" held me in a kind of bear hug so that I couldn't move. In the dream I kept trying to scream, to yell at "him" to let me go. But my throat was tight and I couldn't do get the words out. In the dream the harder I struggled the tighter "he" held on, grinding against me through the blankets saying "you're still my wife". I kept struggling, kept trying to say something. Then finally my throat opened up and I was able to scream "Get off me and let me go!"

I screamed it so loud in my dream, that I actually said it out loud and woke myself up. I jumped up, just hearing the end of what I said out loud, and I was gasping for breath. "HE" wasn't home. But it was so damn real. I could almost still feel where "he" was holding on time and grinding against me.

I don't know what this all means, if it means anything at all. Or if it's just the stress of the last few days, weeks, months...years. My want/need to get out of this marriage, to leave "him". I just don't know. I do know that the dream scared the shit out of me though and I haven't been sleeping very well since.

Anyone have any ideas if this has any meaning, or is it just stress?

Random Thoughts, Sorta

I've been reading the responses to my posts on writing things that will end up getting really emotional. And I want to thank you all for your support and encouragement. It just kind of scares me to sit and think about things, especially the things I tried and keep trying so hard to forget.

I haven't been able to write anything these last few days, not even stuff about me which should be somewhat easy. The last few days have been stressful, trying, and just plain frustrating. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had a splitting headache that even an Advil just wasn't going to fix.

As some of you may have read in my previous posts, "Him" and I have been separated for almost 2 years. Though due to circumstances, I've had to remain living under the same roof with "Him". I have no friends down here, no family, no job (and I have tried many times in the last 2 years to get a job with no luck at all). Heck, my family doesn't even know of my circumstances. And if they did, they wouldn't help. He's manipulative, emotionally abusive, perhaps even mentally abusive.

Well, now we are facing bankruptcy. We went to see an attorney about it back in January. She gave "Him" a list of things "HE" had to do. One of which was IF "HE" wanted to keep the house and reaffirm it, "HE" had to negotiate with the mortgage company to do so. We are currently a month and half behind on regular payments and in the midst of a 6 month hardship program. And what pray tell did "He" do in all this time? NOTHING! Now, I've got judgements coming in against me, "HE" still wasn't motivated. But now that he's got some starting to come in on "HIM"...You know the friendly knock at the door that you're being served by a creditor. Now "HE'S" motivated. Now "HE" wants to try to work on reworking the mortgage. Which I'm not even supposed to be on! Because I'm not on the title to the house! Which I specifically questioned when "HE" applied for this refinance back in '03! That the company put me on even though I DO NOT own the house. They baited "Him" and "He" took it, hook and all. And IF "He" doesn't do something to make sure the house is secure, and we file the bankruptcy, we could lose the house. Which means me and my girls will have no place to go.

And when the lawyer was stressing how important it is that "He" get this house thing taken care of like NOW! "He" was like yea okay, I'll work on it this weekend and if I can't reach anyone then I'll do it Monday. And if they won't work with us, then we'll just find a new place to live. I don't think "He" really gets it. "He" seriously thinks someone is just going to be like okay so yea your credit is shit, you got foreclosed, and you're in bankruptcy...sure you can rent from us. UH...news flash...it's not gonna be that simple.

I just don't know what to do. And the kicker in all this as "He" was attempting to fill out an application with an organization that helps you save your home from foreclosure, is that "He" tried to blame me for this fuck up in a way. "HE" went to this company. "HE" applied. "HE" had them add me. "HE" only said I'm going to ask them about an addition to my line of credit and two weeks later they're talking about refinancing and consolidating and "HE" adds me into this and now I'm stuck on it. When I questioned things, what I thought were red flags, "HE" dismissed me as "HE" always does. So here we are 7 years later and it's all a fucking mess.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I maxed out all my credit cards to keep things like the basics on, to keep insurances going, to buy groceries. All "HE" ever did was make empty promises. And now I'm facing bankruptcy and possibly not having a place to live. And to make things even worse..."HE's" been walking around the last few days all happy go lucky, humming and smiling like "HE" doesn't have a care in the world. Twenty years I've lived with and been married to this man, and for a good number of them "He's" belittled me, blamed me, took away my independence, alienated me from everyone and everything I've ever known, made me to feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, worthless...And then tells me things like I'm doing that to myself, that I'm making myself feel that way not "Him".

And I wonder why my Muse is so silent. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't breathe. If the house is lost, I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go. This is not what I wanted for my girls. This is not how I wanted my life or their life to be.

Sorry my dear readers for the wall of venting. I thank you all for just letting me vent. I thank you all for the words you've left in response to my other posts. You all while are strangers in cyberspace, are very much appreciated by this lost wandering soul.

Bright Blessings to you all

NaNo Update Part 2

Okay well the jury is still out on the story about me, but I've been giving it a whirl. I managed to write 1,170 words today on it so far.

My biggest fear I think is that I'm going to get to a point doing this that it might get too emotional for me.

NaNo update

After six days of NaNo, I'm no closer to 50k then I was a couple days ago. I'm still sitting at 577 words. I did happen have some insight into my character though, so maybe that's a good thing. But I'm no where near a part to even start to work that in yet.

But I got to thinking the last couple days, after Wendy suggested that maybe I right about "Him" and stuff. I don't know that I necessarily what to do that exclusively, but maybe a tale of my life from when I was born until now. I mean I don't think it would be anything I'd want published, mostly because I don't see my life as significant and who'd what to read my rubbish any way? :D

Heck after 40 years, I don't even know if I have 50,000 words to write about myself LOL. But, we'll see. It's worth a shot. And if not, I can and will continue to attempt the story I started for NaNo.

NaNo Update of Sorts

Well, NaNo is proving a lot tougher than I ever thought this year. My new idea is just not getting very far. I'm trying, I really am. But after 4 days I'm still only at 577 words total. Today is day 5 and I've still got nothing. Just a total blank. And of the words I do have, I feel like it's just total crap. I'm even trying a new software called Liquid Story Binder XE, thinking it might help. OMG, this thing has so many features I don't even know where to start.

I'm at a point where I'm seriously thinking about becoming a "rebel". What's a rebel? Well, it's defined as someone who doesn't follow the norm of the NaNo guidelines. In my case, I'm considering ripping apart my previous WiP and rewriting it or, just hell in true Rebel spirit just leave what I have already which is just over 4k words and continue IF I can from there.

But with my muse as silent as she is, I don't know if I can accomplish either. I've got so much stress going on at the moment due to the "HIM" in my life. There were things he was supposed to do MONTHS AGO...and he didn't do them. Now shit's coming to a head and he's blaming me for it. If he did what he was supposed to do when he was told to do it some of these problems that have arisen wouldn't be happening. And NOW...even better...he thinks because he is now taking action, that once the dust settles things with us will be hunky dory and go back to what he considers normal.

I can't seem to get through to this man that I'm not in love with him anymore. That I do not wish to be married to him anymore. I know that it doesn't help that I have to live in the same house but for fuck's sakes get a damn clue. I mean hell we've been separated for 2 years! Yes, 2 years of not sharing a bed or anything of that nature. I have a room of my own which I try to make my sanctuary of sorts, but that's not easy to do.

And then, on top of all that, the holidays are approaching and I don't know how I am going to give the girls a good Christmas. And then, I miss my beloved so much. I hate that he is so far away. The days we spent together I felt safe and loved for the first time in a very long time. Not even "HE" made me feel safe in 20 years of marriage.

So, with all this stress going on, my muse seems to have grown even more silent than ever and I am afraid I'll not get anywhere with my writing ever or with my attempt at NaNo.

I miss you

Today would have been my Babci's (Polish for grandma) 89th birthday. In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since she has passed on. I miss her terribly. She was strong and courageous, giving, loving, and extremely stubborn (it's hereditary lol).

I know she's in a better place without illness or pain. But it doesn't make the hurt of her not being her any less. She was my rock, my confidant, my go to person, my cheerleader.

She practically raised me from when I was just a baby. At three weeks old my parents decided they were going away to see family for a few days. Rather than take their newborn with them to show off to family, they left me behind with my Babci. From then on, I had spent a lot of time with her and my grandpa. I remember well the many nights I'd cry to stay over just to be where there was no fighting, no drunken arguments, just love unconditional.

She was always there for me, no matter what. So on this "Day of the Dead", despite that I have many loved ones that have passed on...I am remembering her most today. Not just because it's her birthday.

I love you Babci, and I miss you terribly. Thank you for everything you did for me, and for the girls.

T -8 hours give or take a few minutes

So, in about 8 hours, NaNoWriMo will start. And I plan to partake in this event, for the third time. The first year, I got basically nowhere. I had no idea what to do, where to start, I was totally clueless. The second year I participated, I had a story idea, I had characters, I had a muse, it was all going so well. That is until my grandma took sick, ended up spending a week in the hospital, coming home only to pass away on Thanksgiving Day.

Since then, I have not participated. This will be my first attempt in 3 years. The problem is, I have no clue what I will write. I'm blank yet again. Well not totally, I do have my main character Aeryn. A some what very vague idea of what or who she is, some semblance of a setting/period, a tiny hint at a possible plot... And then... NOTHING! I'm totally, completely blank.

And my muse...she's being terribly mean to me. She still refuses to speak to me. At best I get a distant whisper, so faint I can't really hear what she is saying. I don't know what to do at all.

I could go back and tear apart the story I was writing originally back in 2006, totally rewrite it from scratch. The only thing is, I have no inspiration to do it. I once had ideas racing at me about that story so fast I could barely get them written down fast enough to remember them. It's not that it still doesn't tug at me to be worked on, finished even (someday). It's just that it's silent, the characters aren't speaking to me save a soft whimper from the main character to have her story completed.

So here I sit, with about 7.5 hours to start NaNoWriMo. Where my goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days. That's 1,667 words a day, if I write every day. Whatever shall I do?

In Denial

Okay, well that's my story and I'm sticking to it, LOL. It was my birthday yesterday...My 40th birthday. (NO NO NO, I can't be 40! I know I'll delete my birthday from the data banks and erase it from my birth certificate. HAHA!)

I didn't want a fuss. I'm not into big to-do's over me. I save stuff like that for my girls. Their dad, really pushed my buttons over it. Saying things like "Oh, You're 40 now!" and other annoying remarks right along with an over the hill balloon. Maybe to some people it's not a big deal but given my current situation, it just really rubbed my nerves raw and had to bite my tongue not to let him have it. And then...I find out that he tells my youngest that she and her sister should not come to me if they have problems with their friends because I'd get emotionally involved. WTF is that supposed to mean???? Telling to not talk to their own mother about stuff. I was and still am quite furious about this, but for their sake and the fact she asked me to not say anything I'm being quiet about it. But to my face he's all nice nice and behind my back he's trying to destroy my relationship with my girls. On top of this, he acts like everything is just peachy with us. (We're separated, but live in the same house. Not my preferred choice of arrangement but it's what I have to do for now.)

But, as I spent my day contemplating the last 40 years, okay maybe the last 20 to 25 years, and wonder where I went wrong, and where I went right. And right now the only thing I see that I went right was with my girls. I spent a good part of the afternoon just being silly with my youngest and laughing my ass off with her. I'm sure there might be a few other minor successes in there, I just don't see them at the moment.

So, I was thinking that I should look at this birthday as a new starting point for me. Not that I'm getting older, but maybe just maybe a bit wiser. That I'd look back at things and use what I've learned, failed or succeeded at and use that to propel me forward. To be able to start my life anew with my girls and my beloved. My beloved who I had the opportunity to spend 3 days with a couple of weeks ago, which is probably the happiest I've been since I can't even remember.

Inspiration from one of my favorite authors

Often times I see myself as a failure in many aspects of my life. That sometimes makes me think I can't come back from my failures or that they define me. But I came across this speech given by J. K. Rowling at the 2008 Harvard Commencement Ceremony. It gave me a lot to think about and inspired me greatly.

You can check it out here, http://harvardmagazine.com/commencement/the-fringe-benefits-failure-the-importance-imagination
It also has a video so you can watch and listen if you are so inclined.

A Woman of Passion

A truly moving, empowering and passionate speech from what BlissChick calls a true Wild Woman.

2 for 1 post...Wishcast (late again) and The Joy Diet: Truth

I'm going to do a 2fer post here, LOL. Partly, because I'm just being lazy. And a part of me kind feels like the 2 go hand in hand for me.

First Jamie asked us this week, "What do you wish to share?" Couple of things that came to mind was honesty, openness, and trust. I don't really have a problem with honesty, I hate lying. But I've lived with them all my life. It's very difficult to be honest with my feelings. If I'm hurting, and someone says "Are you okay?" It's easier for me to say, "I'm fine.", even when I'm not. I have a really hard time being honest about how I'm feeling. I had to learn early on that you don't show them, you hide them, bury them.

Which leads to difficulty with openness. I find it close to impossible to be open with others about myself, how I feel, what I think. I'm afraid of being judged on any level. My thoughts, beliefs, wants, desires, aspirations...have all been judged. Many times by those closest to me. One can only hear "You aren't good enough." "You'll never amount to anything." "You won't be successful." "You won't be good at that." So on and so on.

Which eventually leads to trust issues. I have difficulty trusting people. It's hard when the ones that claim to love you and want the best for you, are the ones that hurt you the deepest. Which makes me find it hard to believe there are any good ones out there. That I can trust and believe, be open and honest with.

This all leads to The Next Chapter Book Blog on "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck...the chapter on Truth. I'm still struggling with Nothing. I just can't find my "nothing space". So, this led me realize that I'm afraid of the quiet, the stillness, afraid of the voices that repeat the "You're worthless, good for nothing, lazy, stupid, a failure." mantra that I hear if I dwell in the stillness too long. I'm afraid of the truth. I'm afraid to face the lies, the hurts, the anger, the fears that I've kept tucked away in the darkest place of my soul. It seems so much safer to keep them there.

The truth...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid that my beloved will come here, and all the hopes and dreams will be lost when he sets eyes on me and sees me face to face. What we have now is safe, he's 2200 miles away. He can't hurt me as deeply if he's never been close, never held my hand, never held me, never touched me.

I'm afraid to face the hurts and anger from all the abuse I've experienced in the past. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and co-dependent manipulative mom.

I can't do this alone, but I'm too afraid to open up and let anyone in close enough. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want my beloved to hurt me, nor do I want to hurt him. That's why I've been begging him to not come here.

In short...The Truth hurts!

I'm Speechless! OMGosh! My First Award

I really am speechless! I don't know what to say, except thank you Rayden!! I'm am so totally flattered.


I guess I need to post the rules now um...

Here are the award rules:

1.) Thank the person who gave this to you.
2.) Copy the logo and place it in your blog.
3.) Link the person who nominated you.
4.) Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know.
5.) Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers.'
6.) Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

Oh goodness, 7 things about myself no one might now..um er...
1.) I like to watch anime. Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood better than the first FMA!
2.) I almost Cos-played as Winry Rockbell at AWA in Atlanta last weekend.
3.) I love to listen to Pasty Cline sometimes.
4.) I hate living in the South.
5.) I don't drive! No no, not what you think, lol. I only have a learner's permit, seriously.
6.) I used to want to live on a farm and be like Laura Ingalls Wilder.
7.) I am totally addicted to Dr Pepper Cherry and Pomegranate-Cherry Life, just not together.

And the 7 nominees are:
1.) Mrs. B over at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom
2.) Bohemian Momma
3.) The Domestic Witch
4.) Suzie Ridler
5.) Bohemian Mom
6.) Rue and Hyssop
7.) Mama's Losin' It

Comment problems

It's been brought to my attention by a few followers and commenters that sometimes it's difficult to post a comment. That either the button disappears or there's a problem with the word verification.

Well, being technically challenged as I am, I don't quite know how to fix it. What I am trying at the moment is I disabled the word verification requirement. Maybe, hopefully that will fix the problem.

If that's not it, then it maybe the layout itself which I absolutely love. If it's a layout issue, I will have to most likely change to an "official blogger" one. I'll give it a week or so and see what happens.

If the problems persist, please post over at my other blog Wandering A Lonely Road so I know if the problem hasn't been fixed. Thanks to those of you that let me know.

Nothing

I'm participating in The Next Chapter book blog on "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck.
This week's focus was nothing. We were to spend 15 minutes a day doing nothing. I found this rather difficult. I have trouble sitting still and being with my own thoughts, listening to the inner demons that tend to rear their heads when all is quiet and still. I've always had trouble meditating as well so this week wasn't very successful for me. I didn't even manage to find my nothing space, not to say I have given up on trying to find it, I just don't know where it is.

Wishcast Wednesday-Luxury

This week Jamie asks us "What luxury do you wish for?" I wasn't going to answer this one this week. Why? Well to put it simply, I don't like to wish for things for myself. But, I got to thinking and if there was only one luxury I could have it would be an old cottage by the sea (maybe even in the UK somewhere, like Glastonbury or Cornwall). Heck it could even be a "Hobbit Hole" by the sea. In it I wish I could have all my favorite things...my books, my nick-nacks, my computer, my pens and journals, my kitties, and my 2 girls, and my beloved. Maybe it isn't a total luxury, but it's probably the one thing I would ever really ask for that I would want for me.

Writer's Workshop with MamaKat

Today MamaKat had some interesting prompts. Normally I try to do a couple, but I'm just going to do the one today.

The Prompts:

1) If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
2) Moxie is defined as the ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage; bold energy. Describe a time when you showed moxie.
3) Write a poem about a loved one who has shown you moxie. What have you learned from them?
4) If you were a super hero, what would your super power be and why?
5) A superhero can save you from what ails you....what is your request

So, I decided it would do #1.

If I could travel anywhere in the world...it'd would be the UK. Why? Hmmm... that's actually a good question. Most people would probably say things like to see Big Ben or London Bridge or Platform 9 3/4 (ok yes, I want to see the platform lol). But for me, I can't explain it. It's like I'm drawn there, I'm for some unknown reason meant to go there. Places like Cornwall and Glastonbury, they call to me, pulling me to come there. In a way it would almost feel like going home, I guess. And no, I'm not British. I was born and raised in Brooklyn. I'm Polish and Ukrainian, with I think a hint of Austrian and/or Bohemian maybe. So far as I know, there isn't a lick of British blood in my veins. So why do I feel such a strong need to go there? I don't know.

Yes, my favorite authors are from the UK, JK Rowling and JRR Tolkien. Yes, I'm a lover of Arthur and Excalibur, the Lady Morgan Le Fay, and all things of Avalon. But my desire to go there, goes back way before I ever discovered Rowling and Tolkien.

But if I had to pick, that's where I would go. And maybe one day my dream will become reality.

A Very Inspiring Video

I discovered this video over on Hybrid J's blog. It is truly inspiring and one that as a writer, I'll have to watch over and over a few times.

The Joy Diet - Nothing

So I've discovered the fabulous Jamie Ridler a few weeks ago. I've been doing her Wishcast Wednesdays for a couple weeks now and thinking about doing a dream board or two.

One of the other things she does is runs a blog/group thingy (yes, very technical word there) called The Next Chapter. I'd looked at the others that had passed and found them very enlightening, so I thought I'd join in for the next event which is "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck.

We'll be covering a chapter per week, the posting our thoughts and insights on Fridays. This week is on a chapter entitled "Nothing". This will be a bit of a challenge for me as my mind is always going a million miles an hour on how I can fix things in my life, how can I get myself out of my current situation, how can I solve everyone elses problems. It's going to be a challenge for me to find 15 minutes to just sit and be still and get in touch with my inner self, that still small voice. I can hear it ever faintly some times but I'm too afraid to listen.

I'm looking forward to this journey with all my sister dieters.

Writer's Workshop with MamaKat

Once again I'm doing one of MamaKat's writing workshops. I decided on doing two topics again. Her prompts are:


The Prompts:

1.) If You Give A Mom A Moment...

2.) What's the message you would craft

3.) Your Fall favorites.

4.) If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

5.)If you could only focus on three things in life and pursue them fully, leaving everything else, what would they be and why?

I'm going to start with #3. My fall faves would have to be the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the fall harvests of Pumpkins and gourds. Halloween and my birthday (although I want to secretly forget my birthday this year, LOL as I turn 40!). I've always loved that my birthday was 3 days before Halloween :D.

And then #4. We have a cat named Gizmo and another one that's sort of adopted us named Smidgin. She just comes to visit, we're her "other" family she actually is the neighbor's cat. But since they are both outdoor cats I'd probably ask them the same questions: Where do you go roaming around? What do you see? How do you view humans, do we take care of you well enough? Have you made any other "friends" in your travels? Why do you and Smidgin always act like you hate each other when we know you both get along when we aren't looking? What do cats dream about?

Wishcast Wednesday and I'm late again

Better late than not at all, I suppose. But my excuse is good...I've been working on my daughter's costume for an Anime convention she is going to. I was so wrapped up in cloth and pattern that time got away from me to post yesterday.

Once again Jamie asks what we wish for, this week is "How do you wish to stretch?" So, this as always, got me thinking.

I wish to stretch out of my comfort zone. I wish to stretch myself beyond what people have made me believe I am, to what I am truly to be...to who I really am (and not what they want who they want me to be). I wish to stretch my learning, to fill myself with the knowledge I need to pursue my hopes in dreams. I wish to stretch my muse, and write the story that keeps eluding me every time I catch a glimpse of said Muse.

These are just the ones that seem to stand out in my mind and scream the loudest.

What do you do when standing up for yourself doesn't work?

Okay, so like I still, due to circumstances at the moment, have to live with my not soon enough to be Ex. This makes daily life challenging to say the least as he's in denial and doesn't believe we need to get divorced.

But any way, our neighbors decided to do a yard sale this weekend, and he gets wind of it and has this bright idea we need to do one too. (Navigating my garage is interesting to say the least) He tells me this on Monday that we're now having a garage sale on Saturday. So he tells me to go through things to sell, alot of which is my grandma's. (She lived with us for 5 years, and passed away Thanksgiving Day 2006 so alot of stuff is hers that I've just not felt the need to part with yet or its been to hard to sort through...but anyway). I didn't do what he asked, because I just didn't think or want to do something like this on short notice. And what did he do to prepare all week? NOTHING! NOT A DAMNED THING!! Not until Friday night, when he pulled together a few things all of which were mine or things my grandmother left to ME! Nothing not one thing (ok well 2 things) were his!

Now, I'm pmsing in a MAJOR way. And Saturday morning, I'd had enough. Him being all Mr. Sunshine and oh so proud he was trying to sell mine and my gramma's things was just too much. So I told him the next time he wants to sell stuff that isn't his, he needs to check with me first. And he's answer was I told you to get ready for it and you didn't so I did it for you. I shot back, she was my grandma and you don't get to decide what of hers goes, that's my place. And well one thing led to another and it got heated.

I went on to tell him what he does. How his words hurt, and how he's made me feel. What he's made me think of myself. How he doesn't take into account anything I have to say even when it comes to decisions about our daughters. I told him I didn't want her to go on a trip to FL, he decided against my wishes that she was going and sent her. He then told me that he doesn't do anything to me, that I MAKE MYSELF FEEL THE WAY I DO! It has nothing to do with him. That I do all this to myself!!!!!

I've told him more than once I want a divorce. He doesn't want one. I can't move out, I have no place to go right now, no job, and no money. He's also told me if I leave, I can't have my children. That they'd have to stay with him. And if I tried to leave with them, he'd have me declared unfit and arrested for kidnapping! So if I want to be with my children and see them, he said I have to stay! I have a separate room, I've not been with him for 2 years. OH! And he told me I have to stay at least until the younger is 18!! That's 5 years!!

He wants me to subject myself to his belittling, ridiculing, hurtful words, constantly criticizing for 5 years! And now he does it to them too. He's called my youngest fat when she's not. My older wants to study photography and be a writer, he tells her those are nice hobbies but they won't pay bills, what are you gonna do for a "real" job? I can't even begin to list the half of what he's said or done to me. But it's 20 years worth!

I feel like most days, I have no way out. That I'm stuck living this life. And when I try to stand up to him, it's all my fault that I feel how I do. He does no wrong in his eyes. All the problems are my fault. I could never make him happy with anything I did, he put me down for everything, and still does. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I Will NEVER Forget 9/11/2001

~Magickal Graphics~




September 11, 2001 is a day I will never forget. None of should ever forget what happened that day.

It was a beautiful sunny September morning. I was at my grandmother's in Brooklyn, New York. I had just spent the last 3 weeks sorting through and packing what she wanted to take after living in the same apartment for 37 years. She was taking a flight with me in 2 days, to live with me in Georgia. She turned on her radio as she did every morning to listen to the weather. She was about to go get her hair done for the last time by her long time beautician. And to say her good byes to some friends that always had their hair done the same day.

But instead of the weather, we heard a report of pluming black smoke coming from one of the Twin Towers. I told her something isn't right, something is very wrong. I flipped on her TV, and to our horror we saw the tragedy that had begun. As we sat watching, we saw the second plane approaching. All I could do is stand in her kitchen staring at the TV saying move, move you're going to hit the other tower and trying to "wave" the plane away as it struck the second tower. The first I could almost believe an accident, but the second, that would be impossible for both to be accidental.

And so we sat, glued to her TV for the rest of the day and night watching the horrors unfold and the reports of the Pentagon crash and the crash of Flight 93. The events that followed that day, the collapse, the smoke I saw creeping over roof tops heading towards where we were. The dead eerie silence of not a single air craft heading to LaGuardia or JFK to land, I remember it all. The following day, with only the sound of fighter jets, a pair flying over head. I never in my life thought I would see such a day.

Of even more significance to me, that morning my daughters and I were supposed to be there. Down by the towers. I had planned a little trip to see the towers, Trinity Church, and South Street Seaport. We never made it there that morning. As fate would have it, we spent the night awake because my oldest had a really bad nose bleed that she was afraid to sleep and was up every few minutes thinking it had restarted. I still sometimes think about what if I was there with my then 5 and 8 year old girls. It scares me!

I remember growing up, walking to school every morning and seeing the Twin Towers in the distance just over the river. If I had walked down to the corner (about 5 houses from my grandma's apartment) I could have watched the tragedy as it happened instead of on TV. But I couldn't bring myself to go out the door. We were only about 3-5 miles from the scene, about a 15-20 minute train ride away.

We didn't get to leave that Thursday, but instead we left on Saturday. Our flight was the only one to come in from and return to Georgia. The flight literally let off its passengers refueled and turned back around. It was a full flight. As we were about to take off a helicopter decided it would land in our path. As we were about to land, a private plane decided to land in our path, just as we were about to touch down our pilot had to abort the landing and make the plane take back off is the only way to describe it. After he circled and was recleared to land, we touched down and the entire plane erupted in applause for our pilot and crew bring us down safely.

No, I will never forget September 11th.

Wednesday's Wishes

Ok, well it's Thursday for me now, but still :D.

Jamie wishcast challenge of the day is "What do you wish to learn?"

There's so much, I don't even know where to start. But I should keep it small, and as things are learned replace them with new ones. So here are somethings to start with:

1. To learn how to let go of the past hurts.
2. To learn how to knit.
3. To learn how to really sew on my sewing machine.
4. To learn the craft of writing and story telling.
5. To learn what my purpose is in life, what am I supposed to be doing.
6. To over come fear(s).

I think for now, I'll just leave it at that. Some of those lessons will be hard enough.

Got to thinking about one of my wishes

I read the comments back and there was a recurring response to my wish to start my life over. It got me thinking. And I felt I need to clarify what I meant.

I don't mean I want to start over, from the being without any of that bad stuff that happened. All of it good and bad makes me who I am, for better or worse. When I say start over, I mean in the now. I can't change the past, but I can make a choice of what or who I want influencing my life in the future. I can choose to not have these negative people in my life. I can choose to not listen to them when they spew their ugly venom (easier said than done but you know). I can't remove the demons that whisper or scream their haunting words at me, but I can start to try to not listen to them.

If I started my life over, I'd not have my two girls. I wouldn't know what its like to have them in my life. With out them, life is empty. They are my reason for living.

I can't go back in time. I can't change the past. I can't change history. But I can move forward and start to live my life my way. And I can surround myself with the people I want in my life.

Wishcasting Wednesday

I seem to find myself wishing alot of things lately. So this Wednesday's theme couldn't have come at a better time I suppose.

Jamie Ridler posted this I guess you would call it a challenge. Well for me it is because I have a hard time wishing for anything, especially for myself as they rarely, if ever come true for me.

But anyway...Here go my wish(es):

1. I wish to write, I wish I could find my muse, that she would stop eluding me and let me finish my WiP, and start on the other that is floating around the deep recesses of my muddled mind.

2. I wish to begin finding myself, who I am, I mean really am. Not the scared, doubting mixed up person the negative people in my life made me to be.

3. I wish to travel.

4. I wish to start my life over, with out the negative people in it. With out the demons that tell me I'm not good enough, the ones that tell me I'll never amount to anything.

5. And most of all...I wish my Prince Charming was here. He's working so hard to save up and move here. The distance, the waiting is so hard for both of us.

Negative People

For most of my life I've been surrounded by negative people. Growing up, it was my mother. If I said, "Mom, I want to be a nurse!" She'd say, "You'll never make it, you hate the sight of blood. You hate needles." If I said, "Mom, I want to be a teacher!" She'd say, "Why? You hate school." (Doesn't every kid say that they hate school at some point though? lol) When I said, "Mom, I want to go to college and get a degree." She said, "What for? You hated school, couldn't wait to get out, now you want to go back. And what do you need a degree for? It's a useless, pointless piece of paper."

When I was engaged back then, she thought she was going to live with me and my fiancee AFTER we got married. When we sat her down and told her that wasn't a possibility, she went on and on how we were putting her out in the street. That I owed it to her to support her now since she did it for me till I was 16!

That guy I was engaged to, well that didn't work out after all. He wanted to control me. Then one day, he tried to hit me. That was the day I realized he wasn't the guy for me. I'd already been in one physically abuse relationship, I wasn't about to let myself be in another.

Not long after that, I met a new guy. He promised me the moon or close to it. That we'd do everything together, share everything...cooking, cleaning, etc. After a short courtship (8-9 months), I married him. We had to kids together. Shortly after we'd married, all those wonderful promises flew out the window. And the result were things like, "What do you mean you don't know how to operate a washing machine?" (I used to go to a coin laudromat, didn't know how to use one in a house, never had one as a kid.) "What do you mean you don't know how to cook rice? Don't ever make Minute Rice again, it's crap." (I grew up on Minute Rice, tasted fine to me.)

As the years, went on things shifted to "You should have cooked it this way." "This has no taste." "Why didn't you marinate it over night?" (I'm a pretty decent cook TYVM.) "You didn't clean this the right way." "You know how I like things, why can't you just do things the way I like them?" "What do you mean there's not enough money to pay this or that? What did YOU do with it?" (I don't spend needlessly, juggling funds to make ends meet is a BITCH!) "The reason you can't find a job is because you don't have a degree." "Working at *insert burger joint here* and being a 'burger flipper' is for people without an education." (He didn't seem to mind when I was a manger at one of these places and made over $400 a week) "You shouldn't write that kind of story, nobody wants to read that. You should do this instead." "You should do this type of work, not that." "Nobody will be your customer, you won't be successful because of how you look."

It goes on and on. 20 years of negativity from a man who claims to love me. I've been separated from him for almost 2 years now, but the negativity doesn't stop. I've been told, it's actually emotional or mental abuse. My opinion of myself, my self esteem, is really, really low these days. I feel worthless, I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm trying to get out of the relationship completely. But he tells me if I leave, I can't take the kids. If I try to take them, he'll have me arrested for kidnapping. That he only says these things to me to make me a better person.

How do you break the cycle? How do you get the negative people out of your life? How do you start over when this is all you know? How does one learn to live again and that they are worth something?

I have a hard time accepting and believing it when my Knight tells me I'm worth something, that I am important, that I can write and that I'm good at it. (I still have not found my Muse, she's still eluding me. So my story(ies) aren't getting anywhere.) I have a hard time believing him when he tells me I'm beautiful, smart, funny or any compliment for that matter.

Sorry for the EXTENDED wall of text. This is unusually long for me. But, I needed to vent.

Whitney is still amazing!

I've always been a fan of the amazing Whitney Houston, her voice is just one that sends chills up and down my arms. With all the crap that's going on in my life and that is stressing me out. The changes that I'm making and will be making, this song really kinda hits home for me.

I want to see Julie & Julia

Something about the movie trailer for "Julie & Julia" inspires me. I have got to see this movie!! And my oldest wants to see it with me, that's a plus. I don't know what it is, if it's the clip of Julie's seemingly unadventurous life, or Meryl Streep as Julia Child. (I love Meryl Streep!) If it's the fact that I love cooking, and have not been creative in the kitchen for a while, or that my muse is missing and I still haven't been able to write. (But the little bugger is toying with me, I can hear her saying "Catch me if you can!")




Kinda like this scene...I need my own fairy to tell me everything is going to be alright. It's not just that I can't write, that I can't find my muse. I feel trapped in a endless cycle. I can't be myself. I can't do the things I want to do, the things that make me happy.

I have a negative person in my life that holds me back at every turn. They now have a team of people trying to work against me, to hold me back, to interfere in my happiness. This person is even talking about me behind my back, painting themselves in a positive light while I come out looking like the bad guy...er girl.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope sometimes. I don't have a bunch of people I can turn to for advice and support, I don't have that safe haven. I need a ray of hope, I need an "its all gonna be ok faerie", I need to be free...I need to be myself. The sad part is, that this person has held me back, and pushed me down for so long, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to find my way back. I used to be so independent, care free, sometimes adventurous. And now...I just feel like a trapped, caged animal with no means of escape.

Has anyone seen my muse?

Most days I feel like I need to put up a "Lost" poster. Saying something like "LOST! Muse is missing. If you've seen her please call XXX-XXXX. Owner distraught. Reward: A good story (hopefully)."

For the most part I've not seen but mere glimpses of my muse for months now. I can't seem to coax her out to stay no matter how hard I try. I've tried music, wine, chocolate, staring at a blank page pen in hand, and nothing. My character is whining at me because her story isn't getting started, but I don't know where to begin, or what direction to take it. Other than the character, I basically have very little. And my muse, she won't cooperate. I don't know what to do.

Even my first project, that I put on hold when my grandma got sick, is still sitting parked in idle. I've even tried re-reading it and other idea I was playing with, and I get nothing. It's like my spark has gone out, or at the very least has been reduced to a very dim flicker.

This is very frustrating and I kind of feel like I'm failing. Sometimes it makes me feel like I should give up on my dream.

My Inner Goddess Perhaps?

The goddess of moon and magic
Just as the goddess Hekate was assosiated with both moon and magic, you are a magician in your own way.
You are smart and a dreamer.
Colour: Purple
Animal: Cat
Symbol: Circle
Element: Earth

Your result for The Past Life Regression Test...

The Author

25% Explorer, 0% Pirate, 14% Engineer, 27% Philosopher, 63% Teacher, 13% Clergymen, 43% Doctor, 40% Artist, 0% Warrior and 64% Author!

You were once a great author. You are able to put all of your thoughts down on paper, very clearly. You are very meticulous with the words you choose to say. You are more introverted than most. You are most likely pursuing a career in the liberal arts.

Take The Past Life Regression Test at HelloQuizzy

I've often wondered...But now I know...

So many times I've wondered if finding your soulmate was possible or was it just some fantasy term people made up. I now know that it is possible... Because I have found mine, well actually he found me.

I'd given up on love, finally coming to the conclusion that there was no one out there for me. That I was destined to be alone. I had just broken up with a guy I'd been dating for almost 9 months. It was a relationship with no signs of going any where but up, no fighting, we got along well. So it hit me incredibly hard when he suddenly avoided me one day and then that night tells me we just need to be friends. That its not what he wants to do but what he had to do. I lowered myself to the usual begging and pleading one does when they grow attached to and care for someone but to no avail.

So I decided it was my fate to be alone. Then one day, a few weeks after that break up Scott comes along. Well, we'd known each other a few months, said the usual "HI! How ya doing?" But nothing more than that. Next thing I know, we're exchanging numbers, but in my mind I just want to be friends. I wasn't looking for love because as far as I was concerned it didn't exist for me.

Our first conversation, was no less than awkward. It lasted a whole 12 minutes. I figured he'd never call me again, even as a friend. To my surprise, he did call me. And this time, our conversation lasted a couple of hours at minimum. I felt something in my heart the moment he said hello. All I could think was what the heck is going on, how could I feel anything for someone I barely know. I'd never felt something so strong.

I was so nervous, yet so comfortable talking to him. But at the same time, kept thinking you just broke up with someone, are you out of your mind? He hinted that he wanted to be more than friends but like me, had been hurt many times. So it kept coming back to we'll just be friends for now. After a couple more conversations, all hours at length he was like "I want more, I want to be more than friends." And before I could stop myself I was saying I did too.

I still find myself thinking this is all impossible. I have these inner arguments with myself daily. That I don't deserve him, that I'm not worth it. But, the love that I feel with him, from him is incredible. Its something I've never felt before. We know what the other is thinking, we say the same things at the same time, we don't even have to talk to know what the other is feeling or thinking.

I just know that he has given me a reason to hope, trust and believe again. And I am sooooooooo in love with him.

My Assignment: I think I'll choose 2

The 2 assignments I chose were "Normal is..." and "Words that hurt me"


Normal is:

• Me being hard on myself about everything.
• Me feeling like an epic failure at life, love, writing.
• Me wanting to run, run until I can't anymore and the run even further to escape the pain, heartache and doubts I feel.
• My fiancee telling me everyday he loves me, that I'm his life, his soulmate.

Words that hurt me:
It's all your fault that (fill in the blank) happened.
You'll never amount to anything.
You'll never be happy.
No one will ever love you.
I was only with you because I felt sorry for you.
You're pathetic and a loser.
You're stubborn and just like your father.

Some things never change...Or did I just bury my head in the sand?

So I was poking around in my closet and I came across an old journal. I began to read it, it dates back 90. I'm not the most consistant journaler, so there are alot of gaps. But the theme remained the same. All my life, I've been the victim of abuse in one form or another. It was easier to see when it was physical. Mental or emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, ones that make you think you imagined it all. Finding the strength to get out of such a situation is extremely hard. The constant mental battle that you have on how to get out of it, or the one where you argue with yourself is it real or imagined. Especially when the person causing the pain is gifted at manipulating words and others to taking their side.

It was hard to see that I was being emotionally abused. I saw signs of it in my journal, but instead I guess I chose to "bury my head in the sand". I didn't want to accept, admit that I had allowed myself to fall victim yet again.

Most of my life, I've lived believing I'm worthless and unlovable. That there is no hope for happiness for me, that there is no end of the rainbow with a happy ending. Even today, I still have that argument. I still tend to see myself as unlovable, unworthy, that I'll always be alone. I constantly fear that the man I've fallen for will leave me. The fears, the doubts, the feelings they can be quite difficult to deal with at times.

All of that seems to add to my lack of inspiration sometimes. All the stuff I've been through, makes me feel like I'd fail which makes it difficult to write. Lucky for me though, I have someone that truly believes in me despite all my tears, pain, doubts, and fears. Maybe I can finally find my happy ending.

So my new main character has a name

Finally, my character has a name. She's not exactly new, I orginally started her for a warm up writing I was doing with a friend. But life happened and our little just for fun project got put on hold for quite a while.

Now my little creation's been nagging to come out, but I'm not so sure I want to continue using her for our little warm up project. She nagging at me to bring her to life but in a story of my own. I have some ideas as to what/who she is, but I need to do some more developing IE: time, setting, additional characters, and a host of other elements. But it's still a start. It's something.

So therefore I am hopeful. Something I haven't been in a long time. And that's all thanks to the wonderful and amazing man in my life, who helped name her too. :D

The Banner...

Okay... That banner in the previous post was actually created for me back in 2006. I had it posted on another blog of mine that I no long use. I felt it deserves to be here, and so it is.

This would be my original story, the one that I can no longer seem to find the inspiration to write. Poor Tiana is lost in the endless maze that is my mind, hopefully one day she will find her way out and we can continue the journey we began in 2006.

I do however have a new well not so new character poking around at me. Not sure yet what adventure awaits but its a start.

Doesn't this just totally rock?!?

Doesn't this just totally rock?!?

This is a banner created by "Feigning Invincible" aka Jessica just for my book. The girl is wickedly talented.

I don't know her personally, she just put an offer out to us NaNo-ites that she'd help make some banners. So I took her up on it, just gave a few details, and this is what she comes up with. I didn't even describe my character all that well, yet there's Tiana almost exactly as I see her some times.

Thanks Jessica, You Rock!!

Tales Unwritten and Forgotten

So many times I've tried to start and keep up with a blog, and I've failed time and again. Yet here I am, once again, making that attempt. And hopefully a successful one this time.

About three years ago, I had an idea for a fantasy novel. I had characters, settings, plots, all in my head. So many ideas flying around i couldn't get them all down, but then again I knew nothing about keeping a Writer's Notebook either. I did manage to jot down a lot of it, even managed to create a few chapters. I attempted NaNoWriMo that year, but I didn't make the goal.

The sad reality is that my grandmother, my rock, my mentor took ill. To our sadness, we learned that the cancer she had beaten years earlier had returned with a vengeance. It hit so fast, so hard. It had metastasized to her spine, her ribs, and was seeming to spread to new areas daily. She was in such pain, I felt helpless to ease it and comfort her.

With this all of my writing was put on hold. I couldn't think or focus on anything else but her. Thanksgiving day 2006 at around noon, my beloved grandmother passed from this world. I felt my entire world die with her. Despite the fact I had my children around me, I felt very much alone. When she died, all my dreams, my thoughts of writing, my ideas, my inspiration...all died with her that day.

She always believed in me, never judged me, always supported me. So I know she would not want me to go on like this. She would want me to search and find my inspiration, and chase my dream. So, I've been trying to do just that. I've pulled out all my notes, all my research in hopes of trying to find that spark. But I also have something else now, I have an amazing, wonderful guy that believes in me. So as I find my way back to writing, with his love and support, I can make it one day.