Thursday, February 26, 2009

Some things never change...Or did I just bury my head in the sand?

So I was poking around in my closet and I came across an old journal. I began to read it, it dates back 90. I'm not the most consistant journaler, so there are alot of gaps. But the theme remained the same. All my life, I've been the victim of abuse in one form or another. It was easier to see when it was physical. Mental or emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, ones that make you think you imagined it all. Finding the strength to get out of such a situation is extremely hard. The constant mental battle that you have on how to get out of it, or the one where you argue with yourself is it real or imagined. Especially when the person causing the pain is gifted at manipulating words and others to taking their side.

It was hard to see that I was being emotionally abused. I saw signs of it in my journal, but instead I guess I chose to "bury my head in the sand". I didn't want to accept, admit that I had allowed myself to fall victim yet again.

Most of my life, I've lived believing I'm worthless and unlovable. That there is no hope for happiness for me, that there is no end of the rainbow with a happy ending. Even today, I still have that argument. I still tend to see myself as unlovable, unworthy, that I'll always be alone. I constantly fear that the man I've fallen for will leave me. The fears, the doubts, the feelings they can be quite difficult to deal with at times.

All of that seems to add to my lack of inspiration sometimes. All the stuff I've been through, makes me feel like I'd fail which makes it difficult to write. Lucky for me though, I have someone that truly believes in me despite all my tears, pain, doubts, and fears. Maybe I can finally find my happy ending.


  1. Greetings from Malaysia! Hi and welcome to MBC !

  2. Hi Morgaine (love that name)

    How are you?

    i'm sorry to bother you, but I've recently started up a community forum for writers called the The Writer's Chronicle(mainly for those who blog) where we can meet and discuss all that is writing with other 'online' writers. Also with the recent addition of some published author members we have decided to set up a section to support published writers and help them promote themselves and their books - as we all know how hard it is to get published and how its even harder to get a large readership!

    I know this email is out of the blue, but i was hoping that you might drop in and take a look around and perhaps join if your interested?

    I'd greatly appreciate it,


    Emily Cross

    Heres the link: