Okay, so like I still, due to circumstances at the moment, have to live with my not soon enough to be Ex. This makes daily life challenging to say the least as he's in denial and doesn't believe we need to get divorced.
But any way, our neighbors decided to do a yard sale this weekend, and he gets wind of it and has this bright idea we need to do one too. (Navigating my garage is interesting to say the least) He tells me this on Monday that we're now having a garage sale on Saturday. So he tells me to go through things to sell, alot of which is my grandma's. (She lived with us for 5 years, and passed away Thanksgiving Day 2006 so alot of stuff is hers that I've just not felt the need to part with yet or its been to hard to sort through...but anyway). I didn't do what he asked, because I just didn't think or want to do something like this on short notice. And what did he do to prepare all week? NOTHING! NOT A DAMNED THING!! Not until Friday night, when he pulled together a few things all of which were mine or things my grandmother left to ME! Nothing not one thing (ok well 2 things) were his!
Now, I'm pmsing in a MAJOR way. And Saturday morning, I'd had enough. Him being all Mr. Sunshine and oh so proud he was trying to sell mine and my gramma's things was just too much. So I told him the next time he wants to sell stuff that isn't his, he needs to check with me first. And he's answer was I told you to get ready for it and you didn't so I did it for you. I shot back, she was my grandma and you don't get to decide what of hers goes, that's my place. And well one thing led to another and it got heated.
I went on to tell him what he does. How his words hurt, and how he's made me feel. What he's made me think of myself. How he doesn't take into account anything I have to say even when it comes to decisions about our daughters. I told him I didn't want her to go on a trip to FL, he decided against my wishes that she was going and sent her. He then told me that he doesn't do anything to me, that I MAKE MYSELF FEEL THE WAY I DO! It has nothing to do with him. That I do all this to myself!!!!!
I've told him more than once I want a divorce. He doesn't want one. I can't move out, I have no place to go right now, no job, and no money. He's also told me if I leave, I can't have my children. That they'd have to stay with him. And if I tried to leave with them, he'd have me declared unfit and arrested for kidnapping! So if I want to be with my children and see them, he said I have to stay! I have a separate room, I've not been with him for 2 years. OH! And he told me I have to stay at least until the younger is 18!! That's 5 years!!
He wants me to subject myself to his belittling, ridiculing, hurtful words, constantly criticizing for 5 years! And now he does it to them too. He's called my youngest fat when she's not. My older wants to study photography and be a writer, he tells her those are nice hobbies but they won't pay bills, what are you gonna do for a "real" job? I can't even begin to list the half of what he's said or done to me. But it's 20 years worth!
I feel like most days, I have no way out. That I'm stuck living this life. And when I try to stand up to him, it's all my fault that I feel how I do. He does no wrong in his eyes. All the problems are my fault. I could never make him happy with anything I did, he put me down for everything, and still does. And I don't know what to do anymore.