Last Post of 2017

Well folks........we made it through another year.  Hard to believe that in a few short hours it will be a whole new year.  Here's to hoping that things are a hell of a lot better for everyone. I know lots of folks just had a rough year and can't wait for it to be over.

I've been looking at some of the new year forecasts for Scorpio and they all look positive so far.  Many of them are saying it is my year! That it will be a lucky year.  Some are saying I will start off the year being introspective, which really seems appropriate since I have had that go inward feeling. Been thinking about a lot of things like why I feel the way I do about certain things and people, certain events. I've been wondering why I can't remember certain things that happened.  What I want for myself in the new year. What I want to accomplish. What I want to let go of. What I want to release me.

Since my last post, I have been going over in my head what my word of the year would be. I was open to the possibility of more than one word.  I was willing to settle on the word ENOUGH.  But just as I was coming to that decision, I started to feel like it was wrong.  Not that it isn't a good word or good choice, because it would be appropriate. It just felt like it was supposed to be another word.

The last day or so, the word SELF kept coming to me.  And that seems more like it.  I have struggled so much with Self-love, Self-care, Self-acceptance.  I feel like I need this year to be a Self-ish year, to make it all about me. What do I want? What makes me happy? What do I want more of? Less of? 

I don't want another year of wishing I had done this or that.  I am already going to miss out on many of the classes I want to take this year because I don't have the money to do them.  I wanted to do Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy Wild, I wanted to do LifeBook with Willowing.  I wanted to do Pull Pen Paint. And Wanderlust. And and and and so many others. And those are just the art classes I wanted to do! 

Well I can either spend my days crying over what I am missing out on or I can be productive. Utilize free classes and YouTube. I can work on Effy's Bootcamp and go through BOD 2017 which I had via a scholarship.  I can do 85k90 for writing as well as Camp NaNo, and of course NaNo in November. I can do the free challenges like 52 photos. Or a year of granny squares. I'm trying to find the positive instead of focusing on what I think I am missing out on.  I want 2018 to be a year of doing, seeing, learning, growing, loving.  I want it to be an action year!  I don't want to be posting here a year from now and saying all the shit I didn't do (again).

As of this moment, in my corner of the woods, we are 7 hours and 55 minutes from the new year.  That is 12 new chapters, 365 new pages in this story of life. Let's make them good ones!

Happy New Year!!!

Searching For My Word

We are 12 days from Christmas and 19 (?) days from the start of the New Year.

About this time of year, I start to ponder a word to bring me into the New Year. Something to focus on, strive for, bring to life throughout the year. I discovered this idea back in 2010, I think it was. It was that year that I picked a word for 2011. My word then was FREEDOM. And Oh My! I lived my word that year.

Since then, I have chosen a word every December. Not all of them had the same impact as that first one.  Last year, I chose DREAM. And while I did do quite a bit of dreaming, not much was brought to life.

As we day by day, draw 2017 to a close I am searching for my word for 2018. I have a list I have been putting together, possible words. I found several new to me words, a couple have potential to be a the top of the list.

• NOVATURIENT: (adjective) Desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation. (note: I have done a bit of research on this word and a few sites claim it is not a "real" word. So finding a synonym for it is impossible.)
• AUTOTELIC: A person who is motivated by the deeper inner rewards of creativity, immersion, and "flow".
• QUERENCIA: A place where one feels safe, a place from which one's strength of character is drawn. The place where you are your most authentic self.
• METANOIA: The journey to changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.

They all have some poetic-ness to them, but I also want something that is always in the back of mind within reach. Because these words are so unique, I am afraid I will easily forget it on a daily basis.

Then there is the list of "normal" word choices:

• CONNECT(ION)
• INTENTION
• WANDER(LUST)
• FOCUS
• EXPLORE
• INWARD
• NAVIGATE
• FEARLESS
• ANCHOR
• HABIT
• SACRED

I know that there really isn't a hard fast rule that says I can't have more than one word. Like let's say I choose NAVIGATE and ANCHOR, for example. So more than one is always an option like when I chose Creative Alchemy a while back.

But the last few weeks I have been feeling the need to draw INWARD. Now, I don't know if it is a temporary thing or something I need to do for the year. But another word is coming up to that isn't on the list yet, and that word is ENOUGH. All this year, the last several years, and if I am honest most of my life I have struggled with feeling like I am enough. That feeling of not being, of lacking, of being less than....it reared it's head again a few days ago.

Part of me is beginning to think that I need to tackle that head on.  To work on self love, self care, self acceptance. To stop worrying if I am not ENOUGH or if I am TOO MUCH for some people. I feel like I need to come to some terms with  what does being ENOUGH feel like. I am ENOUGH for me?

I will sit with my list for as long as I need, adding or subtracting possible words. Seeing which one or ones fit for 2018. Hopefully I will find it before the new year begins.

How about you? Have you picked your word(s) yet? I would love to hear your choices if you have or your nominees if you are still deciding.

Moons and Retrogrades

I was writing a post last night about how I wanted to spend the next couple of days thinking about what i want to try and accomplish in the new year. Thinking about what I did succeed at this year, where and what I could do better with. Then I started thinking, well maybe it is too soon ya know. It is only the beginning of December after all. I know the days fly by and then the Solstice, Christmas, and New Year's will be upon us before we know it.

I had seen posts about it, but it just wasn't registering in my brain. Mercury Retrograde! It started today.  Crap, that's the initial go to thought, am I right? But then I saw an image shared by C. Ara Campbell of The Goddess Circle. And like holy crap! I had to read it twice. Most of it was almost exactly what I was thinking last night!

This is the time of year I go inward. It usually starts right around or just after Halloween/Samhain for me. The last quarter, I start going into reflection mode. And this retrograde is ideal for INTROSPECTION. So really, (retrograde is from 3rd - 22nd) I'm in the right frame of mind right now.

Another thing I usually try to do, and not just during retrograde but it's a key for this one is to THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX and to also LOOK AT THINGS IN A NEW LIGHT.  I have trouble with out of the box thinking. My brain has a hard time functioning that way, it's a learning process for me. Usually by the time I do, it's too late to apply to the situation. Then I am trying to learn not to over think things. So.Freaking.Hard! I'm trying not to look at every road block as an obstacle, that not every brick wall is a bad thing.

Next is MAKE PLANS & WORK OUT THE DETAILS. So again, my thoughts of working on a plan for 2018 is actually right on target, timing is good for it. I am not making resolutions any more, because let's face it by January 2nd I'm usually saying fuckthatshit. But making a list of things I'd like to accomplish within the year seems different to me. I try to keep my list very doable. If I don't finish it all, it's okay. But it's no longer okay for me to want to do something and then waste the time I have and not do any of it.

Another site summoned up the retrograde period as a time to REFLECT, REVIEW, & CLARIFY. I'm on the reflecting and reviewing part, or I will be. That's the plan this week anyway.

That brings us to the Full Moon. Also known as the Cold Moon, Oak Moon, or Moon of the Long Nights.  Ara says the keys for this Full Moon, which is also a Super Moon are:

• OPPORTUNITY
• OPTIMISM
• NEW POSSIBILITY
• REIMAGING THE FUTURE
• TIME TO PLAN
• LET GO OF OLD PATTERNS
• WHERE ARE YOU STILL HIDING?

There is some cross over on the two lists, planning and reimaging. The hard ones are letting go of old shit and that last one. Oh boy! That is a BIG one! I'm still hiding in so many ways. I try to come of my shell, step out of the box. But I struggle to be seen, to be heard, to be taken seriously. No matter how hard I try I still always feel invisible and silent, or like I am just a big joke to everyone. Is it because I am such an introvert? Is it all those years of being raised by a narcissistic mother, then marrying one? Is it all that conditioning you go through? Maybe I can never escape it, the damage too far gone, too deep. Maybe I'm not supposed to be visible or heard. I don't know, but definitely something to think about this Full Moon. And perhaps even something I need to let go of.

Wishing you all Full Moon Blessings!

YAY! I DID IT!!!!!!!!

So I finally did it!

I won another National Novel Writing Month.

I did it last night, just before eight o'clock.

I was a great feeling to validate over fifty thousand.

I was going to just chill out today.

But it is the final day and I kind of would like to see how

much more I can eek out.

Most (ALL) of it is a messy crappy pile 

of words.

If it turns into something, it will need

quite a bit of editing.

I will definitely need to print out what I do have

and then make copious notes of people, 

places, and things.

Tomorrow, I will just breathe.

Tomorrow, will just be blogging, most likely.

Here is to hoping that my next win is not in another four years!

Going Into The Home Stretch

Here we are in the last two days of National Novel Writing Month. I have caught up in word count much to my surprise! I ended yesterday with need 3,773 words to finish and be declared an "OFFICIAL" winner.

In  my mind, I am a winner regardless since I have written more words then I have in a long time. Except for maybe September when I did the blog along. I might have topped the numbers then between the two blogs. I never checked, but I am curious how much I did write that month. Maybe I will figure up the numbers once I am done with this month.

It feels good to be this close to winning. It has been four years since I had a win and this will only be my second win in all my years participating. While a good bit of it is Rebel writing, I am okay with that because I feel like I split my writing between fiction and non fiction. So does that still make me a rebel? I am not sure, but I like the title Rebel Writer.

At this moment that I am writing this, my fiction writing tab is open and I am approximately 1200 words in. So that means only 2500 more to go. I have decided that my goal is to reach the 50000 today so that I can take tomorrow off if I choose to.

I did not do any sort of reward system for myself for specific word goals. I know several people do that. But I just wanted to write for the sake of writing. There was no point in a reward system if I did not have the money to spend on rewards.

But yep, there it is. The finish line for November is in my sights. I can't wait to cross it!

Determination and Road Blocks

Holy Shit I have written close to three thousand words today! If I can squeeze out another two thousand, I will actually be back on track to win. But I do not know what to do. Do I just roll that into what I need in the next two days? Or do I buckle down and try to keep going as far as I can tonight? Decisions, decisions!

I ended up not doing my writing by hand after all this year. I need to figure out a good set up to be able to do that comfortably. I would like to be able to do that at my computer desk, then I feel cramped. I would need a small table next to it or something. I could do it at my art table, but I really want to leave that just for art. It is not really a dilemma but it is sort of, but not one that will keep me from writing if I want to.

I also have not decided if I want to take a few days break in December or keep going. Since the cold is still lingering, I would like to say I want to take the weekend at least. Just to chill and decompress. But then I am afraid I will lose steam and then just keep making excuse after excuse about why I will not write that day. Which brings me to two quotes I have come across in the last couple of days.

The first is:

(found via Facebook and Google)

this is the second one

(discovered via BohoBerry, image from Google)

Both of these got me thinking a lot the last couple of days. One kind of leads into the other the more I think about it. Both of these to me, say a whole lot about determination. I guess you could say I am having quite a few light bulb moments since I have gotten this cold. Or maybe it started while watching Granny leave this world and pass on into the next, and it is just culminating here. What ever the trigger is, I hope it does not stop. I am rather enjoying these little epiphanies.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I find I can come up with a lot of excuses for not doing a thing I want to do. No space, no time, not the right supplies, I will do it later, I suck, I am not good at it, and on and on it can go. I find I do that the most with writing. I usually start with the idea of "I will write today." Then that turns into, well I need to have coffee first, check email and facebook, have more coffee. And then it goes into I will do it later, then it is I will do it after dinner. Which becomes I will squeeze in a few words before bed, to which I always say I will do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it is a rinse and repeat scenario and instead becoming a writer, I have become the person that dreams about writing.

Now yes it can be true that maybe the timing is not write or perhaps I am not truly ready. Or is it that I am just procrastinating my ass off and I am scared shit to fail. Some? All? But that is what I want to change, one of things anyway. I think it is kind of like having a baby. There is never a right time to have one. You never have enough money, enough space, enough security, enough knowledge. You can plan and plan and plan, and still it is not enough. Your book (MY BOOK) is your (MY) baby. It is time to jump in with both feet and get to work on it, what ever it might end up being.

I am determined to be a writer, even if I am never published. Sure that would be amazing, but I would just like to get my stories written. I want to be able to accomplish at least one of my dreams.

Which leads into the second quote about brick walls. I immediately started thinking about all the ones I have faced or am facing. Some are self imposed, like the lies I had been told all my life. They are designed to keep me from chasing after what I want. They are designed to stop me. So I have to ask myself, how badly do I want my dreams to come true? How determined am I to pursue them and make them realities?

We are about to enter into the final stretch of the year. I have not gotten a lot accomplished. Brick walls, self imposed or other wise have held me back. Lack of determination to fight to over come them has also held me back. So I ask myself, am I going to keep letting those lies and those brick walls get in my way? Or am I going to make a plan over the remainder of the year of how I am going to tackle those walls and those dreams of mine a reality?

I am going to chose to make a plan. I think I am going to need to find an accountability partner. Someone that I can share my ideas and plans with, someone that can kick me in the ass when I start slacking or letting those obstacles get the better of me. Or perhaps I can just put my big girl panties on, pull up my boot straps, and get my ass in gear. However this happens, I am not going to repeat this bullshit next year. 

Still Sick, But At Least I Got Some Words Down

I no longer feel like I have a Brillo encased rock in my throat which is fantastic. Now instead I have a cough that bounces between slightly wet and dry. Either way, it makes my chest feel like my twenty pound cat is sitting on it. I have no congestion to speak of, at least not in my sinuses which is a good thing too. I think, maybe, I hope.

So all this coughing and feeling crappy, led to me having a little pity party. And that is just fine. It is allowed sometimes. I whined, I complained, I may have moaned to myself about it here and there. Then I came across a couple of articles and quotes today that were like Cher in "Moonstruck" saying "Snap Out Of It!"

I made it a point today to sit and write, even when I wanted to close the program and go back to bed. Or binge on Netflix. Or go and play a game. I took a small break to watch today's episode of Outlander, then went right back to writing. Now I did not do it all in one big chunk. It took me all day to write the words that I did, but it felt good to do it and even better when I checked my totals and it was over thirty four hundred words.

See....I know I can do it when I set my mind to. Sometimes I give in too easily. But there were also days here last week where I had nothing to speak of because the words just would not come together. I suppose that is okay too. I can't force the words. And if sitting on it a few days means I get a burst of a few thousand words in one day, then I will take it. I will take them where I can get them.

On those days I have had trouble writing, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well I have been doing that in general. I seem to do that quite a bit around this time of year. I go inward, I reflect back on things I did or did not do, things I want to do. I have some ideas about writing that I want to give some serious thought. There are several things I want to really think about and check into. For now on some it, I think I will just make notes and look into them when I am feeling better.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better and hopefully I can add more words to my writing.

24 Days In And I'm Losing Steam

It is day twenty four of National Novel Writing Month and I am losing steam here. This week was just busy busy busy with Thanksgiving stuff. Then yesterday was of course the big turkey day. We tried to be festive but when you recently suffered a loss of a loved one it is hard.

We went around the table and shared a memory about Granny. It is their first holiday without her. And yesterday being eleven years to the day that I lost my own Grandma, I was not sure if I was going to make it through saying whatever I was going to say. Lucky for me I ended up last in the line and held my shit together to say something. I have only known her a short seven years. By the time I met her, dementia was taking hold. Luckily I got to see her on a lot of her good days, but I also saw how it was taking away her memories even in that short of time. I was glad to know that at the end she knew me and that is something I will hold in my heart.

It was really hard to hold it together yesterday though. There were so many times I just wanted to go off and  cry. But I did not do it, I kept it together. I can't decide if I should be angry because I did not cry or happy about it. Sometimes, it is hard to know.  What I do know is that if I did cry, I probably would have gotten other people crying which might have been a bad thing. And crying when you have a cold is even worse. So maybe just for yesterday, it was good that I did not cry.

So yeah, I think I have some sort of head cold thing going on. I knew I had been dancing with it on and off, it could not decide if it wanted to manifest or not. Of course, it has to decide to do so for Thanksgiving day! It sucked not being able to really taste all the delicious food. I mean I could taste but it was off. I tried to make a recipe my mother's mother used to make every holiday. Just a small batch to make sure I did not forget how. And of course, the cold messes me up and I can't tell if I got the flavor right. I am still eating it anyway damn it!! It tasted okay, but I think I did not put enough of something in it. Maybe more salt, maybe more mushrooms. Could have even needed more pepper. Really not sure.

Well this stupid cold is not even sure how it wants to be. Not really stuffy, not really coughing (until now, which is like a tickle and annoying). I wake up feeling like I have a rock wrapped with brillo in my throat, but after I get some fluids (coffee!) going, it does start to loosen and is not as bad. After a couple of hours that part usually does not even feel the same and I do not sound like a cartoon character.

But being under the weather, coupled with holiday events and missing loved ones is just making it really hard to write. I dunno, maybe I need to just push through and try to muster up words. I have fallen about six thousand words behind. I will need to write about twenty three hundred words a day for the next week to make goal and win. Part of me wants to say screw it and stay in bed and get better. Part me  wants to say quit being a pansy ass and just write. But what to do when the words will not come? 

All I can say for this moment, right now, it is time for some NyQuil and to dowse myself in Vicks Rub and try to sleep. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.

Day 21 Already!

We are already twenty one days into National Novel Writing Month. I have actually written every day! Most days it was on the fiction project every day, some days it all I could manage was the blog, sometimes both, and sometimes it was an either or on the fiction or fan fiction. On a couple of rare moments, it was even both of those. But still with all of that, I am about eight hundred words behind total goal. If I write about seventeen hundred words per day from now until the thirtieth I should finish with fifty thousand.

Tomorrow will be spent prepping dishes and baking pies for Thursday. Not all will be made by me, so I should be able to fit some writing in tomorrow. Today was shopping for ingredients. But it has been rainy and cloudy, so it is making me feel extra tired and foggy. I know I should not make excuses, but if I can't form words how can I write? Writing blah blah blah will not suffice, ya know what I mean.

I am actually both, looking forward to and dreading Thursday. I am anticipating all the great food we will be eating, but I also know how sad I will be that day. It will take all I have in me to get through it. I have considered giving myself the day off from writing. But at the same time, I do not want to do that because I have successfully written every day so far. Looks great on my graph on the NaNo website.

Even tonight, I though I will just go to bed. But then I thought better of it. Because again, I have written every single day. Whether I have written a lot or a little, I have still written. So even if I can't written fiction or fan fiction today, I can at least write a blog post. And so that is what I have done. But now I am even more tired, so I guess this is good night.

Good Night World :)

When Anxiety Strikes

I knew it was coming, the signs were there. I just did not make a connection right off. It started with my stomach being all weird. I thought it was something I ate at first. I did the check list of "did I have too much spicy food? too much greasy food? too much tomato based foods?" Nope, nope, and nope. But even the mildest foods made it buggy. So lots of Sprite, Ginger Ale, soup, and Rice with veggies was in order. Crackers and ranch dip seemed okay too. Sounds delish, right? Well, for those handful of days it was.

Then Tuesday I got hit with the feeling of a baby elephant sitting on my chest. My sternum hurt and deep breaths were not to be had. I started thinking and knew it was anxiety flare up. All the "ME TOO" stuff triggered me. Stuff I had buried and forgotten got churned up. Things I had not given much credence to back then I started to see in a new light. Even though I know I am in a safe place, I have been triggered and the first signs of anxiety attacks are rearing their ugly heads.

It is not fun. Every time I think it is finally waning, it flares back up again. I am trying my damnedest to keep it under control. There is not a whole lot I can really do to keep it at bay. If it wants to hit, it will hit. But I am paying attention and trying things with self care to see what might work.

It has effected my writing. I am about two thousand words behind target. When the pain and breathing difficulty started on Tuesday, that is when the word count took a hit. I have been out of focus, but trying to get back on track.

Until I looked at the calendar tonight and realized what date Thanksgiving was this year. Felt like the wind got taken out of my sails a bit. Thursday will be exactly eleven years to the day that my Grandma died. I mean Thanksgiving has been a rough day ever since she passed on it, but this is the exact date. Sometimes it is hard to believe she is gone eleven years already. Other times it feels like an eternity.

Thursday will be even more of a sad day around here with it being the first Thanksgiving that his Gramma won't be with us. She passed away last month, fifteen days after her 97th birthday. Holidays will not be the same without her here. Even with dementia she was still a little snarky spit fire of a lady.

Hospice grief support letter says you do not have to do things if you do not want to. If it is too much to do a holiday event, then do not do it. Or start a new tradition. In my opinion, you do not have to do normal. Do what is comfortable. Do what you are able.

When my Grandma died, I wanted to stop everything. I did not want to do Thanksgiving. But I had to. One, she made me promise to do it no matter what and Two, dinner was cooking in the oven. I did not want to do Christmas. But the girls were at the age where it was important for them. So we did Christmas. I did not send out cards to friends and family like I normally would have. It took all I had in me just do a family Christmas. The following year though, when I resumed sending cards. Many did not reciprocate. And the year after that, it was the same or worse with people not reciprocating. It felt like a slap in the face because I was grieving and could not bring myself to do "the normal". I make no apologizes! None at all! I did all I could handle without losing my shit that year.

It does not really get easier. You just learn to cope, adjust. Some times I ask myself why I even try to do National Novel Writing Month knowing full well what I will face emotionally that third week. I do not have a solid answer. But I have decided to stop using it as a reason not to write. She would not want me to give up or stop just because she died. And I do not think for one moment that if Granny knew I wanted to write a story that she would let me just fall into that dark space. She would probably tell me to put on my big girl panties, dry my eyes, and get to work.

These two women were less than a month apart in age. There was times I could have seen my Grandma and Granny being good friends if they had the opportunity to meet.

I know this week is going to be rough and I am already triggered and dealing with an anxiety flare up. But I have can't let it win. So I will blog, I will practice self care as best I can, I will talk if I need to. I will cry if I need to. And I will write! Write, write, write!

Still Writing

We are now half way through NaNoWriMo as of yesterday. IF you are going for the 50,000 you should have hit a word count of 25,000 by yesterday. I fell about 1500 words short of goal. The last  couple of days have been difficult to write. My main story I have been working on hit a wall because as of this moment, I still do not know where it is going! So I switched it up a bit and started working on something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now.

As you may or may not know, I play World of Warcraft. I started playing almost eleven years ago. The ability to play a Night Elf with white/silver hair and to be a druid who could study herbalism and alchemy appealed to the writer in me. I thought I could create the game character to inspire me to help my writing. I never expected to fall in love with the game, nor to meet some really good friends. I had never played an MMORPG before so I was very clueless on things.

A few years ago, I got the idea that I would like to write a story about a trio of us that became in game friends. We would quest and dungeon together everyday. Then one of them quit and losing them hit us both pretty hard and unexpectedly so. My idea was that he would get lost during a battle and we did not know what his whereabouts were. I still have some notes about that idea, but I never really ran with it. I still might though.

Then I got an idea a couple of years ago to maybe write a back story on my character. Like where she was born, how she became a druid, an alchemist, and an herbalist. I wanted to kind of write a story about her life leading up to where she is now, sort of. So that is what I started doing. Creating a story of my character's life. I thought it would be easy but I was wrong. It is not as easy as I thought it might be.

So for all that, being a Rebel and blogging as well as writing fiction (and a sort of fan-fiction) as of this moment, I am about 3200 words behind. I feel like I am losing steam, fizzling out. I do not know what to do about it! I can't force it, can't pull words out of thin air, sadly. So at this point I do not know what to do. The word count I do have is more than I have written in a year, so that is something positive. I will most likely do the only thing I can do and that is keep going. I refuse to give up!

Do You Ever?

Do you ever feel so silenced you think you are invisible?
Do you ever feel like any thing and every thing you say goes unheard?
Do you ever feel like everything you do goes unnoticed?

Unless of course it is something bad or contradictory and then EVERY ONE notices and hears it.

Do you ever feel like when you try to help, you only end up make things worse?
Do you ever feel like when you try to give advice on something you could write
a book about because "you've been there, done that" and people act like you don't know
jack shit about it?
Do you ever just feel helpless and useless and like what's the fucking point of trying if you
don't even matter?

Do you ever? Do you ever? DO YOU EVER?

I get so tired of trying to be seen and heard and acknowledge. I get so tired of being
silenced and invisible. I get so tired of being dismissed like I am stupid and I don't
know anything.

Maybe it's something.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's just past shit playing head games with me.

But there are times where I wonder if I just disappeared would anyone even notice I was gone.

You know, just pack a bag and go be a hermit in the woods kind of thing.

Old wounds fuck with you no matter how far passed them you think you have gotten.

It's That Time Of Year

It is that crazy time of year where people around the world participate in NaNoWriMo.  The event were new and seasoned authors write (or in some cases try to write) 50,000 words in 30 days. I am on year number thirteen! I have only one win.  The rules are a little more flexible than they were when I found out about it in 2005.  Which is pretty nice.  No more penalty for being a rebel if that is what you choose.

November has become a nemesis month of sorts for me. Losing my Grandma in the middle of my second attempt did that for me. So every year, it rears up its ugly head to haunt me.  Only once in thirteen years did I kick the nemesis in the ass with a win at almost 60,000 words.

Then this year, we lost my Beloved's grandma a couple of weeks ago. She had just had her 97th birthday earlier in the month and seemed to be doing so well.  It all happened so quickly, just like with my Grandma.  She was fine on her birthday and then a couple of weeks later she was gone.

I'm trying not to let death and grief win.  I want to figure out how to in some way use them to motivate me. Like I know I had my Grandma's support in my writing dream. And I'm sure Gramma would have supported me too if I had shared it with her.  I like to think she would have anyway.  She seemed to be that kind of lady.

I am not much of a plotter or planner when it comes to my writing. Most of the time I have barely a fragment of an idea.  This time I have the barest of bare details of a character. A setting I have had in my mind from a previous idea keeps coming to mind and my character seems to like it. I'm trying to figure out how to bring it to life in this story.

I can do this!  I know I can!  Even if I never publish, I know I can write a book regardless of if it's fantastic, utter rubbish, or some where in between.

Blessed Samhain

Happy Halloween

Blessed Samhain

Wishing you all a day and night filled with ghoulish delights.

It is the last day of October, two months left to the year.  

Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo, still don't have a story per say. But I do have at least 

a character, which is more than I had a week ago.  I had planned to try and do

some prep this month, maybe get some things even plotted out. When will I 

learn that my brain doesn't really work that way! I thought to put together a 

Writer's Journal. Something I could refer back to with thought, references, do's and

don'ts, etc. But one of the cats decided it was a great idea to puke a hairball on the notebook

I was considering.

We are still trying to adjust to the new normal around here.  We are all trying to figure

out what we do next.  It's given us pause to think about things.  The "what ifs".

I celebrated my 48th a couple of days ago.  It was low key, with steak for dinner

and chocolate cake for dessert.  Dinner was home cooked and was delicious. We tried 

a Rachel Ray recipe, definitely would make it again.

Well they say this is the Witch's New Year, so I will wish you a Happy New Year too!

Stay safe out there.  Hug your loved ones.

Back In The Blogging Saddle

I've missed blogging! Really, I have! I'd go to bed feeling like I forgot to do something.
But really, I didn't forgot. I've just taken the last few days to try to adjust
to the new normal around here. It's weird you know.  I've been,we've
been so used to him going out and taking care
of Gramma daily that it's strange he doesn't do that now.  Her poor little Doxy is so
confused. The little guy was with her when she passed and saw them come to take her
away.  He doesn't understand yet why he can't go back to his house and where his
mommy has gone. But all in all though, he is doing better than I thought he would.
It probably helps that we have four other dogs!

Now I'm just trying to figure out where things go from here. To keep blogging on both.
To only stick with Word Press.  I do love how easy Blogger is though. Way easier in
some cases than Word Press is. But I've been on here so long, to give it up seems wrong
in so many ways. Yet at times it feels like a ghost town.  With so many of the once active
blogs silent, others moved to different domains.  I miss the interaction that once seemed
so lively here.

I have a lot to think about on that aspect, I guess. Especially since I can't change the web
address here at all.  I think I've gotten to the point that I'd like it to match my blog title.
Just some things to ponder. Along with what the hell am I writing for NaNoWriMo this
year? A week away and I have no clue! That isn't all that unusual for me, not really. But I
do at this point tend to have some character ideas, maybe even setting.  This time though, I don't
and that's a little unnerving.  I think I might sit down this week at some point and go over
unfinished/untouched stories and ideas.  See which ones strike a cord with me. I wouldn't
mind a fresh idea either. Decisions decisions. I'll let you know what I decide on.

Be At Peace

In the wee hours of the early morning, sometime between 2:22 AM and 3:30 AM Gramma left us.
Mom woke us at about 3:30 and said she was gone.  A fierce wind came in and I really believe it swept her spirit off to where ever it needed to go.

She is no longer in pain.  She can eat anything she wants again.  She is once again with all those she loved that have gone on before her.

We all feel a combination of exhaustion, relief, and what do we do now, I think.

I feel.........RAW.
This was so much harder than I thought.
It opened a wound for me that I thought I had healed.
I will heal again; once I know they are all okay.

97 years is a good long life to have lived

Holding Space

I had a post that was forming in my mind that would have gone very well with the prompt for today. But the Universe had other plans and instead I am holding space for my Beloved and his family.

Gramma isn't doing well. She was fine on Sunday, but yesterday was not a good day.  A trip to the  ER and an over night stay, hospice has been called. She will be home this afternoon, but her time with us is short.

It is opening old wounds ten years past. Things are different, yet the same. It's going to be a rough few days.  Best case we have a week, worst case a day or two.

Please send strength and peace to the family as she transitions from this world

October 16 - Ancestors and Altars

October 16 – If I were to build a beautiful altar to my ancestors, who would be on it? Do I know?

Hopefully back on track here with posting daily thanks to prompts. They give me a topic to write about when I feel like my own words are not enough or too much.

Today's topic is Ancestor Altars. 

Growing up Catholic and Polish, I can't say I recall either of my grandmothers having an ancestor altar in their homes.  I know my paternal grandmother would pray the rosary for the dearly departed family members on days such as their birthday, death day, or All Soul's Day. I can't recall anyone having photos or mementos along with candles and statues.

If I were to set one up, it would definitely have a statue or a couple of the Virgin Mary, maybe a saint or two as well.  Some flowers and rosaries.  Photos of my grandmothers, one of my great grandparents, perhaps even my grandfathers.  I don't know what else it would have except for maybe some candles and holy water. 

This isn't an area I am familiar with so it would really take some research to see if there is anything in my ancestral history to indicate what a Polish ancestor altar would look like. Maybe I'll add that to my list of things to research and see what I come up with.

Triple Post

I missed a couple of days, so I will make up for it in this post.

October 13 - How comfortable do I feel reveling in my own awesomeness?
I'm not!  I hate it!  Hell, 95% of the time I don't even feel like I'm awesome.  I feel less than. So no, I am not comfortable at all.

October 14 - Who else am I proud of right now? How can I express that?
My niece.  She's taking advanced classes in her first year of high school! And she is part of FFA and is raising two baby goats, one of which she will show next year.  I don't know how I can express it to her.  I don't get to see her very often. The best I can do is tell her when I see her.

October 15 - What is my dream life like?

I have dreams, don't we all.  But I feel like mine are just that, Dreams.  I don't want to hope for more because I don't want to be disappointed or feel like I failed.  If I put them out there, and I don't achieve them then I will feel like a failure.  I already feel less than, so that would just make it worse. 

It's hard for me to put things out there.  I feel like I shouldn't even voice things. I posted about my one dream on my word press blog. And now, I feel like maybe I should delete it.  Because how dare I put that out there. But then I feel like how dare I even dream that. It's an impossible dream.  One that I know won't happen.  I can use it as my happy place maybe when shit gets hard, I can go there in my mind.

If I dare, in my dream life I am finally divorced and reclaimed my name.  I have a space of my own to do my creating without being in the way. It's colorfully decorated with strings of lights all around and wind chimes hanging outside. I have my easel out there, maybe even another one to go with it. I have canvases to paint on and ones I've completed are hung on the walls. I have candles or incense burning and some Omnia on the CD player. In this dream, maybe I've sold a painting or two, perhaps I've sold a couple of my photos that maybe were just good enough.  And I have a space to write, where I can leave out my quill pens and not have to worry about the cats eating them.  Because FEATHERS!  Perhaps I have a little herb garden or planter growing, I can have some herbs hanging to dry somewhere.

I feel silly, almost childish for even have any kind of dream. I don't feel worthy of having them. 

October 12 - Own It, It's Your Story After All

October 12 - What’s on the top of my ‘kudos to me’ list?


You should take a moment and read Kallan's post on owning your story.  Go ahead. I'll wait.

I am learning how to own my story. But honestly, I'm not sure how to do that. When I try to
change the narrative on a thing, it sounds crazy. That's probably because when I speak the truth
I've been told that I was crazy and that what I say happened isn't how it is.

All my life, I have been told by other people what the story of my life is.
My mother made to sure to tell me often I was an accident. That they weren't even sharing a
bed when I was conceived. To be honest, as I got older, I often wondered if my father was my father.
I often wondered if I was his brother's child. The only way I could prove that now would be if I did a DNA test with my cousins. The thing is though, I don't know if I would want to know.  It wouldn't change things. It would just be that my life was a lie from the beginning.

I've long been told how I was not enough.  I've been told I should have never been born.  I've gone through my life having people think I was something that I wasn't. All because of things other people said. And the people that knew they were lies.........no one, not one would ever step and say anything. No one ever told me that I wasn't any of the lies.

Learning to change the story, is hard as fuck.  Because crazy, you know.  Do you know how many times I've actually wondered if I was in fact crazy because I was made to feel I was? It sucks! It's a wonder that I didn't turn out worse. It's a wonder that I'm not an alcoholic or strung out on pills. Even when I know I am speaking the truth, all the lies in all the voices of those that spoke them scream loudly in my head. Telling me that I'm wrong, I'm crazy, that's not how the story goes.

Growing up without one positive speaking person and then marrying some one that all things should only benefit and revolve around him, it really fucks with you.  In all that time, in the younger part of my life, if I had just want person that told me a different story, I wonder what a difference it could or would have made.

Now, when someone tells me that they believe in me that I can do something. Or that something I made is really good. It is so fucking hard to believe it as truth. It's hard not to think that they are just saying these things to pacify me. That behind my back they maybe telling the "real" story about how bad it is or that I can't do shit.

You can change the narrative.
You can speak it.
Speaking and being heard, believed......seems impossible
But living it and believing it, that's a whole different ball game.

October 11 - Voices

October 11 - When I get quiet with myself, what voices am I hearing, and what are they telling me?

I know they if you're hearing voices you should probably see a psychologist or be committed, right. 
The ones I hear aren't that kind. They don't tell me to do something horrid to others or myself.

They do, however, tell me how worthless I am.  All about my not-enough-ness.  If you have been reading here for awhile, you know what I speak of. The ones that sound like my mother, how I'm just like my father.  Stubborn, useless, lazy, scrawny.  I was shamed for being a thin child, not having meat on my bones.  My ass was too boney.  Seriously!  Who the fuck tells a small child their ass is too boney.  My mother did. If I am stubborn like my father, then I'd like to wear it like a badge of honor.  I want to take that to mean that he resisted her bullshit at times too.

Oh how she tried to make me into a mini version of herself, spewing hatred and hating everyone and everything.  But I couldn't do it. If I couldn't rationalize why I was supposed to hate a person, group, or thing because she did, I wouldn't do it. If I went against her, I'd get the silent treatment for days. Then she'd come tear up my room with a big black garbage bag and would start to get rid of my things. I used to beg and cry, but eventually I learned that none of that would work and she would just do it anyway.

She told HIM (the not soon enough to be ex) that he would regret marrying me one day. I was lazy and good for nothing, that I didn't know how to do anything.  HE told me if I ever tried to leave him with the kids, he'd have me arrested and declared unfit.  HE told me on more than one occasion that I needed to be on medication and needed to see a shrink. And maybe I did need to see someone, but not for the reasons HE said.

I've been to counselors in school.  Out of all of them, only one was actually helping and he was transferred at the end of the school year. I tried the two that followed him, but they were more like just giving us a place to get out of class.  When I worked for Blue Cross, they had one.  I tried one visit. I remember it as the office being dimly lit and him not saying much. It was awkward and uncomfortable, I never went back. I can't remember if I tried when I was in college.  I think I did, once or twice.  I wasn't what I thought it would be either.  Eventually I just gave up with trying to talk about things with professionals.

I dance with the negative voices almost daily.  Sometimes it's a win, sometimes I lose, sometimes it's a draw because I go binge on Netflix when I don't feel like arguing with them. Sometimes the voices sound like my mother, sometimes they sound like HIM, other times like one of my other former abusers.  I think I'm getting better at telling them to fuck off. But maybe not, because if I was then maybe I wouldn't be stuck so much of the time. I don't know. Maybe I'll never be rid of them. Maybe I'll never win the battle.  Only time will tell.

October 10 - Medal

October 10 - If I could give myself a shiny medal for anything this year so far what would it be for?

Do I deserve a medal for anything?

I don't feel like I do.  Not for anything I've accomplished, because I don't feel like
I have accomplished much of anything.

Maybe a medal for procrastination?  Is that a thing?  I'm not proud of it, but I could
certainly win it.

Remember I said I was going to start The Artist's Way?
I haven't done a thing.
I still haven't finished reading the first chapter.

Remember that art journal project I mentioned
Pages are still blank for the last 9 days.

That canvas
Still blank

It's "Prep-tober" for NaNo
Still no clue what I'm doing, nothing prepped.

So yep, the medal for procrastination goes to............ME!

(image found on Google)

October 9 - The Title of My Life

October 9 - If my life were a novel, what would it be called?

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!  I put this in my drafts and forgot to finish and post it.

I feel like I might have wrote a post once in which I came up with some titles.  But I can't recall for sure.

Some options I've thought of:

The Mistakes I've Made
Things You Shouldn't Do
If I Could Do It All Again
The Beautiful Mess That Is My Life

I suck at titles if you haven't noticed.  Even at titling a post, I struggle.
I wonder how authors come up with the title for a book.  I know some can
be quite obvious like the titles for the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson.

Those are mostly snarky titles, I would say.  If I dug deep, if thought about what
I really wanted to tell about my life thus far. It might be something like
"How I Survived Being Raised By A Narcissist"

But truthfully, I don't know what I would call because I haven't written it.

October 8 - Who Am I

October 8 - Who am I, really? Right now. This moment.

I.Don't.Know.

Seriously. I don't have an answer.

I am everything
I am nothing
I am no one
I am every one that has come before me

I am an artist
even when I don't make art

I am a writer
even when I don't write

I am a photographer
even when I don't touch my camera for days
or weeks

I am a lover
a fighter
a girlfriend
a survivor
a friend
a mother

I was someone's daughter
granddaughter
a niece
a cousin

I am a moon gazing Goddess lover
I am a Pagan
a witch
a druid
a lover of the old ways

love me
hate me
I.AM.ME.

October 7 - "Catch" and Release

October 7 - What needs releasing? What needs hanging on to?


Releasing:

• Old habits
• Old hurts
• Anger at certain things or people
• Things that no longer serve me 

I try to let things do, I really do.  It's a work in progress.  There are times I think I've released something, then there's a trigger and the wounds are reopened.  The angers flare. 


Hold On To:

• The ones that I love
• My fondest memories of my Grandma, my children, my childhood
• The big one..........My Dreams.

I've let go of far too many of my dreams for other people. I've let others dictate my story, my life for so long.  I am on the road to changing the narrative.  It's a long road that began a few years ago. I still have such a long way to go.  There are set backs, thanks to the triggers.  But progress is being made.

I feel like there is so much more I should be writing.  But I think I am overthinking the prompt. So I'll just quit while I am ahead and keep it simple.

October 6 - Last Quarter Plans

October 6 - What are my plans for the last few months of the year?

Today's prompt is what's the plan for the rest of the year.

It should be the same as what I planned for the beginning of the year. It should be
the things I was supposed to be doing all year to start with. 

But my sorry procrastinating ass doesn't do even half of what I plan to do at the beginning
of each year.  This year, I don't even feel like I over loaded myself with things I wanted to do.
And I've gotten next to nothing accomplished!  I'm so sick and tired of not doing the things I want
to do.

I'm sick of not writing.
I'm sick of not painting.
I'm sick of not journaling.
I'm sick of not learning.

I want to create.
I want to write.
I want to paint.
I want to study.
I want to learn.

So, for the remainder of the year the plan is to do the things I've been wanting to do and to catch
up on the things I have fallen behind on.  I know I won't get it all done, but hopefully I can make
a dent in it.

October 5 - Would I Do Anything Different?

October 5 - If I could do anything differently right now, what would it be?


YES!
NO!
MAYBE?
I don't fucking know!!!!

Seriously, I don't know.

As I was writing my Wordpress post, I though I knew the answer. 
The more I thought about it, the less sure I was of my answer.
Even now, I'm unsure.

I think well IF I didn't marry him, I would not have my kids.
Then I think, well IF they were meant to be born I would have had them
with who ever I married.
If I had stood my ground, followed my heart, maybe I'd have a degree. 
Maybe I'd be working in a different field from the ones I ended up in.
But then I think, well I wouldn't have had the joy of knowing some of the
people that came into my life.

But maybe if I stood my ground when I ended a relationship I wouldn't have
been held at gun point and knife point on two separated occasions. Maybe if I
stood up for myself, people wouldn't have treated me the way they did.

Maybe things happened for me to learn from.  I could have really gone
without some of those supposed lessons.  I think I learned more how to be
afraid and to become extremely introverted than anything else.  I don't
see that as useful lessons.

There are things I would change, but I don't know if I would change how I did them.

October 4 - What Am I Proud Of?

October 4 - What am I super proud of?

I might have mentioned a few times I hate tooting my own horn and such.

But I am really proud of myself for finishing my very first canvas.  It was piece that
Whitney Freya taught in her free Rise Above class a few weeks ago.  She taught about painting with
intention and the image we created was that of a butterfly.

I kept thinking my piece was too dark, too childish, too coloring book like. To simplistic. But hey it's a butterfly.  And it's my first time painting like this.  I had fun. I really enjoyed painting on the canvas. More than I thought I would.  I can't wait to do my next canvas.

So that's my proud moment of the week.

(please forgive the briefness of the post.  I'm tired again today, the weather change is hitting me.  The chilly temps and the windy days are starting to wear a bit.  Even if I am totally enjoying sweat shirt weather.)

October 3 - Gratitude

October 3 - What do I have to be grateful for?


Gratitude is in the little things.
The dragonfly that buzzes by and lands near you.
The butterfly that lands on a beautiful flower.
The abundance you harvest from the garden.
The smile from a stranger when YOU offer a helping hand.

A shoulder to cry on.
A good belly laugh that leaves you gasping for breathe.
A toddler dancing to the beat of their own song.
Puppy kisses
Kitty purrs

A grandparent celebrating another year of life
Your child's smile
The sound of the rain
The whispers of the wind
The warmth of sunshine
The glow of the Moon

There is so much to be grateful for, if only we take a moment to see it.

Thanking someone and letting them know you are grateful for them can
go a long way.

Thank You!  I'm grateful you are here.

October 2 - Hope

October 2 - What are my hopes for the coming month?


The hope is to continue with blogging daily.  Thank goodness for prompts, they help with foggy brain. Of course forming words to go with said prompt can be a whole other challenge.  There have been and I'm sure there will be days where I paste in the prompt and let it sit on the page while I putter around.  Some days take me longer to put words together than others.

I'm hoping to get started on "A Year With My Muse".  I pulled out my "faux-skine" last night but drew a blank as to what the hell to do.  So I just wrote a page in it about what I hope for it to be.  Not to sure on the quality of the paper, standard writing with most pens don't seem to have much of a bleed through. But to art in, I haven't a clue. Don't know yet if I will have to be gluing 2 pages together or not for strenghtening purposes.

Of course there is the hope of coming to the easel on a more regular basis.  My current WIP is just about done.  I am so excited to have almost finished my first canvas.

I am also hoping to do some "Prep-tober" for NaNo.  Prepping for me is developing and naming my characters, locations, if there is any sort of magic use, and getting some semblance of a plot-story line figured out.  I might look for images of characters and places, maybe put together a music play list.  Sketch out a map if I need one.  And that is the extent of my planning.  I'm not an outliner.  I'm a panster.  I write by the seat of my pants.

These are my creative hopes at least. 

Day 1 - Happy October!!

October 1 - What worked for me last month? What will I carry over into this month?

Can you believe it? We are officially in the last quarter of the year! Where did the time go? 
It's officially my birthday month!  The day I try to ignore and pretend it isn't on the calendar or it's just another day. But no one will play along!  They insist on making a big deal out of it.   *SIGH!*
My Babci used to say your birthday was the whole week.  I think she made that up! Mostly because I think I was an answer to her prayers and my birthday was a 4 days before hers.  So I was her gift. And of course celebrating my week meant it rolled right on into hers.  I want to change my thinking on this, after all I'm going to be the big 4-8. So why not celebrate the whole damn month! At the end we get candy, cuz Halloween yo!

Okay, enough of being cheesy.  On to the prompt from Effy Wild's PDF of October Prompts.

What worked?
Well........I end up spending most of my day in front of my computer for no good reason really. This last month of nudges and the challenge from Effy made me turn it into something productive. I committed to a challenge and I did it, twice over by posting on two blogs. It showed me that I can do it.  That I can complete a challenge.  That I can write (every day).  That I can focus and do a thing that I want to do.

What am I going to carry over?
Hopefully that same determination that I went into September with. I want to continue with blogging daily as much as I can.  Effy ever so kindly provided a list of prompts for this month to work with.  I hope to carry it further by doing a personal challenge I am calling "A Year With My Muse". And then on into November for NaNoWriMo.  Who knows where it could lead to so long as I maintain my determination and focus.

Day 30 - Celebrate!

Today’s Nudge: Celebrate.

So here we are on day 30.  30 days, 30 posts.  In my case, I did it times two, so 60 posts. It really feels good to have blogged for 30 days.

It is a good reason to celebrate. I completed something. I stuck with it.  

Did I waver? Sure. There were a few times I almost didn't post. But I was determined to complete something this year.

So yep, I did a thing. Every Day!

I hope to keep going next month. It's the plan anyway. There is PDF of prompts for October that can be found over on Effy's blog post for today.

Thank you for joining me on this 30 day blog along.

I look forward to reading more from those of you I met along the way.

Day 29 - Recap

Today’s Nudge: Recap the month.

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: "When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

― Gabrielle Roth

As I was writing my post for my Wordpress blog, this quote came to mind.  It's sums up Effy and this entire month of blog postings. With a gentle nudge every day she prompted us with a question.  It was our choice to use the nudge or not for our posts. I only deviated once.  Whether she knows it or not, she was the medicine woman this month. 

By her prompts, nudges, I dug a little.  Not as far as I would like to have dug, but that gentle digging you do when you are planting flowers in a flower bed.  With a little trowel you sit and you dig little holes to plant seeds or small plants in hopes that they grow into something beautiful.  This month as sort of felt like tending a garden that has been a little neglected, under watered and weeds creeping in.

It has made me realize that I am still in people pleaser mode.  Don't type, you're typing too loud.  Don't paint faces with eyes, it's too creepy to have your paintings staring out off the canvas or paper.  Don't sing, don't dance, don't don't don't.  Do what you want but don't do that.  I know we all have to live in harmony and do things to make other people happy.  But why does everything come at the expense of our own joy?

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have really enjoyed posting every day, and on two blogs no less.  I don't know yet how I will continue in October and beyond.  The prompts from Effy end tomorrow.  I know there are other monthly prompts, themes out there. I don't know if there are any that make you go as deep as these. I guess we will find out in a couple of days, won't we.

Day 28 - Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?

Using the alt-prompt.  
Answer: I don't know.  

As I wrote on my Wordpress post, the following possibilities are I'm Lost, Adrift, Lonely (for a Tribe).  All of the above? Probably, maybe, yes.  I don't know.

I feel like a wandering nomad just going in circles. No rhyme or reason.  Just going from circle to circle within a circle.  No direction.  

There are things I want to be doing, should be doing, long to be doing.  Some days the energy level just isn't there other than to exist for the day.  Some days, I can't form cohesive thoughts or words or actions to do anything worth while.  

I keep waiting for some divine zap of inspiration out of the cosmos.  Some swift kick in the arse to get me to let go of the fears. 

You know what?  They aren't coming.  I keep dancing this dance and I'm getting, NO! I am tired of it.

My Muse isn't going to come to me, I'm going to have to go hunt the bitch down and drag her arse back to me kicking and screaming.  I will make a sign for the door and close it if I want to be left to the creative madness in peace.

I have 6 new bigger canvases waiting to be used. One smaller one that I have had for I don't know how long.  The other that was in the pack is actually on the easel with a painting in progress.  I have a stack of journals waiting to be used. Some still blank, others in various states of being filled.  I keep buying more, especially if the price is too good to pass up.  But then all they do is get added to a pile.  

Here's the thing. I'm going to be 48 next month.  50 in two years.  And I'm still waiting around sitting on my arse, letting fear control what I do or don't do.  For Fuck Sakes enough already.  No one is going to make the changes for me.  The fears are not going to one day say "Oh we're bored with this one, time to move on". 

I don't have the money to do all that I want to do.  But I can use what I have and begin where I am.  I can figure out how to afford to legally change my name back.  Because honestly, I don't know if or when he'll ever grant me a divorce.  I don't have the means to buy a shed or the supplies to build on to make into an art studio.  I will have to make my corner work.  

Pain or no pain, energy or no energy, money or none, Fear....FUCK YOU!  I cannot just sit by and watch the world and the days go by anymore.  

On WP, I said I think I am in a place of transition.  And maybe I am.  I probably am.  I feel like I am heading that way.  But I am at a fork in the road.  The one leads to great things that I create and the life I dream about, the other leads to staying in the same damn wandering circle.  I have a choice to make.

Day 27 - On Being Human

Today’s Nudge: Share a human moment you’ve had recently.


I feel things deeply, sometimes too deeply.  Sometimes everything just feels heavy, or my heart will physically ache with the hurt and suffering going on.  In those moments, I have to step away from social media. And then I'll usually binge watch something for hours.  Grey's Anatomy, Call The Midwife, Outlander.  I should be going to my easel and/or art journal and painting it out. Or write it out.  But for now a cup of tea and binging on a show is how I cope.

I have no way to help those that are hurting and in need right now.  Love and light, thoughts and prayers do nothing to aide them.  People are dying in earthquakes, floods, fires, and hurricanes. But we can't be fucking human enough to lend a helping hand and perhaps save a life. 

*kicks soapbox back in the corner*

I am going to make a conscious effort that when ever I am out I will try to do something human(e). Last week it was helping the elderly gentleman on oxygen.  A month ago, it was helping a lady who bought a cart load of stuff at Ross, but couldn't get it all to her car because she was on crutches.  Three of us, strangers, jumped in to help her get everything to her vehicle.  And you know what? I didn't hurt me in the least to offer and do one simple act of kindness.

So many times when I do get to go out, I am so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts.  I fail to pay attention to what is happening around me.  I turn away at the person on the street corner asking for a hand out.  But the simple answer is, the ones I see are there.  ALL.THE.TIME.  With the same sign, day after day, week after week.  Sometimes a couple of months go by and the same person is still on the same corner asking for 'gas money' to get to some distant place.  They give those who truly need a helping hand or a few bucks a bad name.  

But I'm deviating here.  When I go out, I want to go with eye and ears open.  I want to be able to offer someone that one small shred of humanity.  To show some that there are still good people in this world.  I can't help financially or physically to those places that are so desperately in need.  But when I am out and about, I can do some RAK for a strange in my midst.  It costs nothing to be human.  

Day 26 - Wants, Then and Now

Today’s nudge: Compare what you used to want with what you presently want.

I used to want a lot of things.  But then life happened and I grew, reality set in.  Looking back now, some of things I wanted then look nothing like the things I want now.  Or perhaps they are the same, just slightly different?  More mature, wiser even?

I used to not want to be the black sheep, the odd person out.  The wallflower.  The square peg.  I have never been truly accepted based off of who I am.  I've always been judged by the deeds of my mother.  I thought leaving NY would shed that feeling, but it didn't. I would try to fit in, say the right things, jump through hoops to please people.  

Now, well....I just don't give a shit.  Okay, I do, but not like I used to.  I won't jump hoops for anyone any more.  I won't agree with you or say things to appease you. I would be happy to have a small tribe that get me and we all get along.  We can have different views and ideas, but we are open to discuss and debate and still remain friends in the end. I just want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am or who I am trying to figure out I am.

When I was little, I said I would never get married.  My living example of a marriage was tumultuous.  Alcoholic father, narcissistic mother - such a volatile combination.  Sure I had my grandparents as an example.  But get married I did.  If knew then, what I knew now I probably would have never done it.  That's not to say it wouldn't have happened eventually, I dunno.  But I did it.  I got two beautiful girls out of it, the only good thing to happen out of it.  I gave up my hopes and dreams for him, so he could do the things he wanted.  I supported every decisions, even the ones I disagreed with.  But I wasn't ever granted the same in return. The only thing that piece of paper does is grants you some benefits you might not otherwise be entitled to. 

What do I want now?  To just live a happy, healthy, satisfied life.  To be liked for who I am and not who you want me to be.  To have a small group of close knit people, to have a person.  You know like Meredith and Christina.  I want to live my dreams.

Day 25 - A Way I've Changed

Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.

Change?  I don't do change well.  It's right up there with bragging on myself you know.  The more I try to change, the more I think I stay the same.  Out of fear.

I don't fit in, not well.  I'm like that square peg trying to wedge myself into a round hole.  I never felt like I fit in with my family growing up.  I never fit in with the ex that's not yet an ex's family.  I don't really feel like I fit any where.  Even now.  It sucks!

Every time I try to make changes, I feel like I end up going backwards instead of forwards.  I second guess every move, every choice, every decision.  I've been conditioned since I was child to doubt and that I didn't know anything. I've been conditioned to believe I am not good enough and nothing that I do will ever be good enough, no matter how hard I try.

SO! I am trying my damnedest to change that line of thinking. The first step towards that end was leaving the ex that's not yet an ex.  Before that, it was not pursuing my mother when she stopped speaking to me.  I no longer served a purpose for her, so she wanted nothing to do with me. If it had been done on my terms I would have been labeled an ungrateful bitch.  But, guess what.  I was still labeled that even though it was done on her terms.  Funny how that happened, eh.

Trying to be a more authentic version of myself is difficult because it offends and pisses off people. You know like how dare I want to be me, to be true to myself, to stand up for what I believe in, to speak my mind. How dare I have an opinion!

So I don't know if I have changed, at least outwardly.  Perhaps inward, in some of my thinking.  Change is a work in progress.