Farewell 2012, HELLO 2013!

Another year is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin.  Where has the time flown? 
While I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked nor have I met all the goals I had set for the year, all in all it was still a good year.

The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas hit me especially hard this year.  Thanksgiving was 6 years since my Grandma passed and Christmas Eve was 18 years since I lost my Daddy.  I was trying so hard to remember his voice this year, to remember good times with him.  I wish they were both still here to see how the girls have grown into to the lovelies that they are.  After looking at some pictures of me and my Dad from when I was little I began to feel better.

We had a really great Christmas.  A FULL HOUSE!  15 people in all.  It was a really pleasant day.  My Beloved's Dad made it home for Christmas, which made Mom very happy.  For a brief moment, it looked like he might not have made it.  Then we ended up with a white Christmas!  Got about 3 inches of fluffy goodness!!!  It's awesome to wake up and still see it looking so pretty and snow covered out there.

So my Word for the Year...  I've thought about this for much of December.  And for good bit of it, it seemed like "SHINE" was going to be my word.  Then I worked with my oracle deck and the clarity card came up.  So I thought...OKAY!  Then a couple of days ago, "DARE" snuck in and all I keep thinking is: DARE to shine, DARE to dream, DARE to soar, DARE to step out of my comfort zone, and so on and so on.  So as of right now, I think DARE is my word for 2013. 

I saw some one say that they pick a theme song for the year too, and a color.  Almost immediately the song "Titanium" popped into my head.  As to color...my mind went to Red.  I don't typically like Red.  I don't use it much, but it's the first color that keeps popping in to my head.

Things I'm going to try and do this year:  Project Life 365 or something similar, create at least one new piece of art a week, write at least 500 words daily.  I want to start my art journaling again, daily if possible.  And of course read more books! 

I wish all of you a Happy 2013!  May it be a year filled with health, love, peace, joy, prosperity, magic, and lots of artsy goodness!  Stay safe my lovelies!  See you next year :D

12/12/12 Wishcast Wednesday- What 12 Wishes Will You Wish For?

It's 12/12/12!  The last repetitive date we will see for quite sometime.  If you look around the web today I'm sure you will find many write ups about the significance and magic of the number 12.  There's also discussions about 12/21/12 and the connection, gateway between the two dates.

Are the dates significant?  I don't know.  But I do feel like there is a major importance to these two dates.  It feels as though the energy is getting charged the closer we get to the 21st.

It is Wednesday, Wishcast Wednesday in fact!  And I have not participated in quite awhile now.  But I thought today would be a good day to join in.  Today Jamie asks: "What 12 Wishes Will You Wish For?"

I had honestly thought about writing out things I would like to do in 2013.  So switching gears to making wishes isn't too hard.  But, since they are wishes I don't want to make all of them just for myself.

My Twelve Wishes:

1. I wish to create more, to create...to paint weekly, if not daily.
2. I wish to be able to get my art out there in the world (scary wish, just so you know)
3. I wish to write, to get my words, my thoughts, my ideas, my stories on paper.
4. I wish to get back into cooking (more).
5. I wish for financial blessings for our family.  Things have really been a struggle, I'd like for us to have enough that we aren't struggling...that there be enough for even just the little things if we wanted them.
6. I wish for world peace, a world without hunger or the pain of senseless loss over unnecessary wars, a world where we love one another and help each other.
7. I wish to find a clearer vision of my spiritual path.
8. I wish to take care of myself better (ie: eat better, vitamins if needed, learn yoga, learn to meditate, etc.)
9. I wish for my girls to be happy, to follow their dreams.
10. I wish to allow myself to dream, to dream BIG and not be afraid to follow them.
11. I wish for all our troops to come home safely.
12. I wish that all that you wish for comes true.

Making one wish is hard....Making 12, is even harder!   As you all wish for yourselves, so I wish for you also.  Have a magical day!

Drawing Inward

It seems to be that time of year, where drawing inward occurs.  I grow quieter, and ponder the past year...the marks I've missed, the goals I failed to meet, the ones I did meet., what do I want for the coming year, so on and so forth.

I realized I missed a lot of goals and opportunities this year, through no fault but my own.  I started off pretty good, then...somewhere along the line, I began to hem and haw, find excuses to delay, basically procrastinate.  I can't beat myself up over it, I can't go back and change any of it.  What's done is done.

Am I disappointed with myself?   Of course!  Am I angry?  Maybe a little.  But none of that will change anything either.

All I can do is strive to do better.  Make 2013 a better year.  I want to be more productive.  I want to create more art, write more, cook more, create more, read more.  I want to get an Etsy shop going...finally.  First steps would be to decide what I want to sell on Etsy, find a store name that reflects who I am and what I create.

If Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 37, why can't I become who I want to be at 43?  I have such a bad habit of looking at how old I am and thinking too often that it's too late to do the things I want to do with my life.  Even though my Beloved tells me all the time that I'm not to old.  That age is just a number.  And I know damn well he's right!  (Don't tell him I said that! LOL!!!)  It's hard to change the thought patterns that have been embedded in my mind since childhood.  I have managed to over come many, but I'm far from done.  But I'm determined.

I really hope to stay on track with what ever goals I set for the coming year.  The next 22 days will be spent thinking, planning, wishing, hoping.  I will be thinking about my "word for the year".   One thing I've thought about is asking for a couple of volunteers to be my personal ass-kicker, motivator, cheerleader, cattle prodder....you get the idea.  One I will be asking is my Beloved, because well he is the one person I trust the most.  He is here, and can when I'm not being productive.  But I'm also hoping to add a friend or two to the team that I can touch bases with monthly, bi-monthly, weekly, daily if necessary sometimes.  What ever it takes to stay on track to success.

I Am...A Procrastinator, and I'm not Proud

My number one problem is I'm a procrastinator.  No IFS, ANDS, or BUTS about it.  And it sucks!  I really need to pull my shit together.

I have sparks of ideas, some that I think are really good sometimes.  Then the "gremlins" chime in.  And the more I think about my ideas and how to bring them to action, the louder these bastards get.  Next thing I know I'm putting off my ideas and then not following through on them.   It's the same with art and writing.  It's absolutely frustrating! 

Then I see other people's art like Danni's or Effy's or Connie's and go through the whole I'm not as good as they are phase.  Or I hear about people doing NaNoWriMo that are at 10k, 25k, even 40k words and I'm still sitting at a whopping 3004.

I love to cook, but I'm afraid to cook because I fear they won't like what I fix.  I'm scared to bake anything that doesn't come out of a box mix just because I've never really done anything from scratch.

I'd love to go back to school, but I don't know what direction to take.  It's not feasible to get a job right now due to transportation issues, unless I can find some sort of work at home deal.  The same with school, I'd need to find some online schooling that I could get financial aide for.

I just don't know what direction I want to take with my life.  I want to do something meaningful.  I want what I do to have significance.  I want what I do to make a difference, not just in my life but in other people's lives as well.  I want to do something I can be proud of.   I just don't know what to do.

Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween!

One of my favorite days of the year!  It's like having your birthday around Christmas time for me, since my birthday was only a couple of days ago.  I mean who wouldn't love to have a their birthday and get presents and then have Halloween and get lots of candy?!?!  I always loved it!  And when you get a bag of one of your favorite candies on your birthday it's even better right?

I probably won't be doing any sort of ritual tonight.  Mainly because I just don't feel comfortable with them.  Maybe it's that I don't feel learned enough, maybe it's because I feel awkward and clumsy when I do try a ritual...I don't know.  I have always felt better when I did it in my mind.  Talk to the God/dess in my mind, instead of out loud.  I just feel more comfortable that way.  It also makes it less like to be overheard and makes it more personal for me if/when I do something like that.

I do plan to do at least 3 card Tarot reading later.  I haven't touched my cards in at least a year or a little over.  This is a Pagan/Witch's New Year's Eve.  I want to start really focusing on my heart's desires to create more and consistently.  Tomorrow NaNoWriMo starts, and I'd really like to make a good effort with it.  I know I said earlier in the year how I wanted to be consistent in my art, and I started pretty good for the first few weeks and then...I don't know what happened.  I got in that rut where I think/feel like I'm creating crap and then I can't seem to do anything.  I want it to change. 

So maybe tonight I will spend a few moments alone, light a candle, commune with some creative Goddesses and make those changes in my creative life that I've been longing to make.

I wish you all a safe and blessed Samhain.

The Day After Sandy

Well, it's post birthday even though my Grandma used to say it was your birthday all week :D  And I don't feel any older LOL.  The day after my birthday Sandy hit my hometown and surrounding areas.  I sat pretty much glued to my computer watching for any updates from friends, family, or anyone else posting news or pictures. 

My heart ached to see my hometown flooding even though it wasn't anywhere near the devastation other places experienced.  The parks had downed trees, one park had that has softball and soccer fields had their stadium pole lights come down.  There was a downed power line around the corner from where I grew up.  Over all it seems like damage to my old neighborhood was minimal. 

But seeing homes that were destroyed by fire or waves elsewhere is just heartbreaking.  Several people I know are expecting to be without power for the next 7-10 days!  Looting has begun occurring in some areas, Coney Island was mentioned.  It's sad that in a time of such devastation people become stupid and opportunistic and try to rob homes and businesses.  Isn't it enough that they have suffered a loss, why do idiots have to compound the situation?

I also learned that my loved one was released home from the hospital where they had been to have their stent replaced.  Since they weren't critical, they were sent home.  I am both relieved and worried at the same time. 

I hope those of you in Sandy's wake fared well, the same for any friends and family you may have in her path. 

Feeling Helpless

First you don't get a post in 3 months, now you get 3 in a row.

I hate feeling helpless.  I don't like not being able to fix something or help or just offer a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen.   CANCER SUCKS!  And when a loved one is battling it, it's rough.  Being so far away, I feel disconnected.   Out of the loop.  Everytime I hear nothing, I think oh things are going good.  Then I find out they have been in and out of the hospital for months.  They are back in right now being treated for an E-coli infection.  Once that is cleared up, they have to switch hospitals and have their stent changed.  I don't understand any of what's going on.  I don't understand how E-coli is common in cancer patients.  I feel helpless because I am not there and can't do anything to help.

I haven't emailed my loved one, the care giver in this as I don't know what to say.  It all seems so cliche and I don't want to say things that everyone normally says in situations like this. 

I don't know what stage they are in, I don't know what the prognosis is.  I really don't know anything except what kind it is.  I don't know if they are getting the best care and treatment options available or not.  I would assume they are, I hope they are.

It sucks they should be enjoying their life, not fighting for it.  I hope they go into remission and stay there.  I hope they can heal and enjoy life. 

Please send strength and healing to my family. 

10 Days Until Madness Begins

Madness being NaNoWriMo.  It will be my 7th year trying.  Will this year be any different?  I don't know. 
I was on the fence about it...do I or don't I?  The next thing I know, I find myself changing my facebook cover photo and profile picture to reflect NaNo; making a new song list; thinking about my options for what to write.  Do I go back and once again try to work on my original NaNo story?  Do I work on one of the ideas that I've been scribbling about here and there as they pop into my head?  OR Do I try to create something totally fresh and new?  Which of course I have no clue what I would do, LOL.

I'd like to do some planning, but I'm really not a planner/outliner type person.  I know everyone has their own methods that work for them.  My first character, I didn't build her or plan her she was just there.  The only thing she really lacks is a name.  I've never been quite happy with her name, something about it just doesn't fit right and I haven't found something that does yet.  I have tried the planning of characters part, but then I just seem to get hung up on details or try to force things and then they just go away.  I need to work on my relationship with them, don't ya think?  I sometimes think I just try too hard!

Either way, I usually end up getting frustrated or sidetracked.  Then I end up falling behind.  Eventually I realize I won't catch up and then I end up give up on the project.  I want it to be different this time.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, instead of focusing on word count that I should focus on just getting stuff written.  No matter how much or how little.  But just get it written.  If I can do that the entire month I'd call it a win even if it isn't 50,000 words.  At least I can say wrote the entire month, so what if it might only be 300 or 500 words a day.

If only some how I can turn my traumas and past into a story of survival.  But when you're mind set is elves, faeries and dragons...how do you spin it?

Pet Peeves and Old Wounds

Damn it!  3 months since I lasted posted, I didn't intend for it to be that long.  I just kept feeling like what I wanted to write just wasn't important.  Yes, yes have been having a minor pity party.  Not really sure why, maybe just frustration with myself.  Frustrated at not being able to connect with my Muse, trying to force it and getting no where.

Anywho...Pet Peeves!  My dear friend Wylde Sage (with or with out the "e", I can't remember lol sorry) she touched on this a few weeks ago about her own.  And I had to agree on many if not all of them.  This week seems to be my turn to vent over my own.  I think one in particular has been brewing for quite awhile now.

#1 - People who claim to always be broke, short on cash, funds are tight, w/e and then no sooner they say that they have something new, are going out to eat, to a show/concert/play/movie, or even traveling.  Please just stop the bull shit.  I rarely talk about finances with anyone.  If by chance the topic some how comes up in a random conversation, and I say that money is tight, for me it's the truth.  And I'm not looking for a fucking hand out.  But don't say it back to me or in general and go and spend money like you just busted open the piggy bank, all it does is make you look shitty.  Too many times lately I've been told or heard some one say money is so tight for them and literally turn around and go buy or do something that isn't a necessity.

#2 - People who start a conversation (email or private messaging) and you send them a reply expecting an answer and you get nothing.  Or better yet, starting the initial conversation to get information and then ignoring anything else I might have to say.  Especially if you call yourself a friend! 

#3 - People who use others for information or personal gain, take credit for someone else's work/idea/etc, suck people drain of their energy/emotions/kindness.  Grow the fuck up!  Stop using people!  Stop treating people like they owe you something! 

There's more, but I think that's good enough for now.  1 and 2 are the ones that are REALLY bugging me right now.

OLD WOUNDS!  Ouch!  The kind that make me look over my shoulder, sensitive to certain smells and sounds, give me bad dreams.  Yesterday, I got a PM from a gal I went to school with.  She was the kind of person that was my friend one second and giving me the silent treatment the next always leaving me going "what just happened?"  Well she asks me about a person we both knew, a person I dated.  A person who abused me, assaulted me, and made me lose everything I had leaving me homeless at 16.  She wanted to know if I know where he is or if I've heard from him.  An organization we all used to belong to is planning a reunion and someone asked about him.  Why ask me?  I don't know.  I told her that I haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years and hope I never do.  Her answer: okay thanks just wondering.   ...WHAT? 
Some friend!  Not an I'm sorry, nothing!
I know I'm thousands of miles away, and the likelihood of seeing him is slim to none.  But it woke something in me that I worked very hard to get over.  Now I find myself jumping at certain sounds that remind me of my time with him.  I find myself smelling the air more often as he had a distinctive smell that you could sometimes smell before you actually saw him.  I'm just so unsettled right now!
Then I took a look at the group's FB page and saw that someone implied he died.  I tried to look it up immediately, I also tried searching various inmate lookups in hopes that he was incarcerated.  But I had no luck on either front.  Part of me wanted to message the girl who had asked about me in the group, but I can't bring myself to do it.  Many of the people in that group turned their backs on me and treated me like I was unfit to breathe the same air as them.  One gal said on there she remembers him but has no idea who I am, and I even lived across the street from her for a time!  GEEZ! Am I that forgettable?  Am I so insignificant that you can act like I never existed?  I remember almost each and everyone one of them, especially the ones I saw on almost a daily basis.
I am back to feeling like I need some sort of piece of mind that he will not hurt me again.  And I don't know how to get that.  I don't like how such simple little words turned me upside down and have me feeling on edge.  I also feel like some of these emotions of feeling insignificant go deeper and further than just this group of old acquaintances.  It's also leaving me feeling like I need to seek approval from others again, to feel like I'm accepted, to feel like I matter.
This as all left me feeling very small and vulnerable, hurt and scared.  And I don't like it!

Finally Relief, But Still Clueless

Finally after two weeks or so of itching everywhere like mad, it's FINALLY stopped. Just as it started, it went away with no known cause and no clue how it stopped. I'd like to know what started it all just so I can do my best to prevent it from happening again, but I'm afraid I may never know what started it all.

Initial deductions were zeroing in on the crop duster that flew over prior to my itching phase. But it seems that isn't the cause either, since a couple of days after I stopped itching the crop duster did his fly-bys again. Thankfully I didn't have another occurrence! But seriously...the dude needs to choose better timing! Midnight when people are trying to go to sleep is NOT the time to be crop dusting!

I'm just very relieved to not be itching anymore!!!!

What It's Not

Okay, I was wrong. After a week of suffering without taking any allergy meds, I/we have come to the conclusion that they were NOT the cause of my new allergy symptom. And hell if we know what is. I guess for now I will use my allergy meds as sparingly as possible to prevent myself from developing an immunity effect to them, keep using lotion/caladryl as needed. And of course keep researching what I can use naturally to help with this.

It's frustrating to say the least, to not know what the hell is causing this. Plus I'm tired because this shit wakes me up at night.

I have pulled out every herb book I own, and only one had suggestions for itching! That really amazed me. It wasn't even the book I thought for sure would have information!

One thing this has done though, it's made me want to pursue my desire to learn herbalism and holistic healing. Medications do well and good in some cases, but in others they are totally useless. As in the case of my allergies. There are days it helps with my itchy eyes, sneezing and wheezing and then there are days it feels like I took nothing. And all it does for the hives/itching is makes it a bit more tolerable.

I know there is a way to reverse these allergies I have. There has to be! I don't want to continue through life having to avoid things I once enjoyed like peanut butter and fresh fruits. I'd like to be able to peel potatoes and carrots without my palms itching and feeling like they are on fire. I'd like to be able to handle raw peeled apples and if I touch my face I don't have be afraid I'll look like a raccoon and itch all over my face.

I am determined to find a cure for myself or at least ease my symptoms to more tolerable levels.

Only I Could...

be the oxymoron of oxymorons. Well in my theory so far at least. I've been having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING. But hell if I know what. We've gone over a gamut of things just about everyday for the last few days trying to find a common denominator. No new or strange foods. Not been rolling in things I shouldn't be. I don't wear perfume or make up. But I have been itching like crazy neck, arms, back, upper chest (here and a bit on my neck I have a mild rash) and tummy (mild rash comes and goes here).

The only common link I can find is my ....wait for it....Ready?....My allergy medication! I mean really...wtf? But I looked them up, I've been alternating Zyrtec and Allegra (store brands) and lo and behold in rare cases (ME!) you can have itching and rashes. WELL SHIT! Now what do I do? I can't take Claritin. Why? LOL You guessed it...I'm allergic to it. Benadryl knocks me the fuck out. And since I'm trying to prove my theory, I'm hesitant to take anything.

I have got to find some natural remedies again. I used to take a product by Nature's Sunshine years ago. But damn it's gotten expensive! Gotta seriously find a herb store or something around here soon. And evaluate my stash of herbs to see if I have anything I can brew up. And soon too, I'm not sleeping well due to the itching. And if I can't take anything I will end up wheezing and coughing and sneezing all night too. UGH! Only me this could happen to LOL. Really wish I had my fenugreek about now!

One Year Ago Today

....I made a leap to follow my heart. I got on a plane and flew 2200 miles to be with my soulmate. A leap to leave an abusive relationship. I risked everything...for happiness, for love, for freedom to be me, to find myself again.

I think the risk paid off in many ways. I did leave an abusive relationship. I did find freedom, happiness and love. I'm still working on finding myself but that is an everyday process. I have a wonderful support system and am surrounded by people love me for who I am, for who I am becoming. They encourage me to grow, to create, to be me. My Beloved and I have worked through what we needed to and came out stronger than ever.

All this didn't come for free. It did cost me. And I don't mean financially. It meant leaving my girls behind. They were old enough to choose, but this was also my journey not theirs. The cost though, is I haven't seen them in a year. We talk on the phone and sometimes we chat via webcam. I miss them everyday! Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I love them any less or that they have been replaced. Nothing, no one can replace my girls.

This is only a small step in my journey. I know it isn't over. Together with my Beloved and those I love whether near or far, I can continue to heal and take more steps to grow and become, to find the self I had lost.

And a big thank you and hugs to all of my blog friends who have supported me with your love and positive thoughts. MUAH!

Writing, Arting, Whispers From My Muse (I Hope)

AAAAAAAAAAAH! So I didn't get the memo/email that Camp Nanowrimo had started. CRAP! Coincidentally, I had started BuNoWriMo on June first, if you can call writing about 200 words starting anyway. That's as far as I got and then I dunno I freeze up, the vision in my head gets muddled and I can't see the scenes. Honestly this shits gotta stop, ya know! I'm really tired of getting these images and scenes in my head, and then when I sit down to write them it's like a fog bank rolls in. It's frustrating! I'm tired of saying I wanna be a writer, or I wanna be an artist or that I'm just a "wanna-be" period.

I guess, I think...the first step would be to stop saying what I want to be and just start doing it. I have so much support here! It's amazing, but instead of reveling in it and using it as a motivator I hole up and hide. I let those negative voices take control and keep me chained up.

I've been fortunate enough to have been sponsored into Book Of Days Premium by the ever lovely Poptart. If you're in BOD you know who she is. THEN, the Gods/Goddesses shined down on me and I won a spot (finally) into Lifebook with Willowing. OMG! I'm so thrilled. I started on Tam's first lesson. Finding my Goddess Superpowers. Um...me...I uh, well uh...I don't feel as if I have any. Yep you guessed it...those bad voices again. Coupled with knowing how far behind I am in Lifebook (they're at like week 23 or so and I'm still at week 1 *le sigh*).
It's overwhelming!

In so many ways I've lost touch with my Muse, and I don't like it. I acknowledge that I've been letting my fears especially of failure really keep me from connecting with her. In other ways I don't feel worthy of (re)connecting with her. But I want writing and art to be my life. So much so that I've started Divine Spark Daily with Shiloh Sophia. Like the other ladies doing this I want to know my Muse's name. I really NEED to connect or more like reconnect with her, and to make her more real, I need to know her name.

I swear yesterday, I heard some faint whispers from her that came across in a note she wrote me (it was day 1's exercise). Today I'm supposed to write a letter to her, but I don't know what to say. But I need do these things. I need to sit down and write or try to even if it's just a few lines at a time. I need to sit and pick up the paint brush and work in my journal, on my Lifebook lessons, get back into BOD seriously as well as do Elements and any other group activity. I need to stop hiding in the shadows. I really need to take an active role in my life and do the things I want to do. I have the tools and the support, so I really shouldn't have any excuses. Right?

Ring of Fire, Solar Eclipse

What an awesome Solar Eclipse we had! I got to see it and was amazing. Not as colorful as some pictures I saw since we had some rain clouds in the area. Thankfully they didn't hinder the viewing. I was able to get some really cool photos of it.

And the energy!!! WOW! Sitting in the sun's rays during the eclipse, the energy coming through was wild! Made the hairs on my arms stand up on end!!!

Full Moon Blessings

While I didn't do any sort of ritual, I did set my crystals and gems out for a little bit along with a Faerie pendant I have. I laid on the bed gazing at the Moon while my little box of gems and my pendant sat on the window sill, I made my wishes to the Goddess and thanked for all that I needed to thank Her for.

But something strange happened during this short period of time. My cat came up to see what I was up, as she usually does. She made her way to the window sill and quite suddenly she growled and hissed, then swatted at my Faerie pendant. Just as quickly she jumped off and ran away.

I didn't know what to make of it. She came back a few minutes later, and as she approached the dish the pendant was in she froze in her tracks then skittered away. This whole thing just baffled me.

I haven't worn the pendant in quite some time (at least 5 yrs maybe?) as it always seemed VERY heavy when I did wear it. It be okay at the start but then after a while it felt like a weight around my neck, to the point my neck would ache. I had never cleansed it before. It never occurred to me that I might need to or should for that matter, let alone know or understand exactly what cleansing was. I was just starting to seek the Path when I received as a gift as part of a Yule exchange on a "witchy" Yahoo group I was on.

Now maybe it's nothing, maybe it's just my wild imagination. It's just for the life of my I can't understand why she would react like that.

I know I probably should have left everything out under Mama Moon a bit longer than I did, but with several cats in the house I didn't want to risk any of my gems or crystals getting lost.

I will say though that later on that night, I did feel like there was an electrical charge in the air. Something I'd never experienced before.

I hope you all had a wonder weekend and hope you all got to see Mama Moon supersized. She was GLORIOUS!

Lost and Found

Slowly, slowly I'm finding my way back to girl I once was. I'm still afraid sometimes, a lot of times to let her shine through...but I'm getting there. Being around loving, supportive people helps. I still have to learn to be comfortable with myself again though. I've always had issues with worrying about what others think, but I'm coming around little by little.

It's nice to be able to breathe. To know that you aren't going to be judged for having a thought or an opinion. To know you aren't going to be blamed for someone else's shit. I am however being called crazy by members of "that family". And you know what....I'm OKAY with that. If being myself means being crazy, that I'm not some drone following mindlessly, then so be it.

At the same time though, I'm feeling lost. Lost on how to earn money where jobs are hard to come by. I still want to go back to school, but I'm lost on what to study. The things I want to major in aren't readily available in this area. And if I want to get financial aide, then the only schools that qualify are either in Washington state, Oregon, or California. Right now we are in no position to move. Even if I just wanted to do some home study courses, I can't...not right now anyway...again a money issue.

Then there's my Path. *Le Sigh* I don't know where the hell I belong there. Jen over at "Rue and Hyssop" had an excellent post the other day on the topic of being Pagan. You can read it here, if you like.

I use the term Pagan loosely for myself because I don't really know what else I would fall under. I don't do rituals per se. I feel awkward casting circles or calling quarters. I don't have any "tools" to be a "proper witch". I don't think having a couple of tarot decks, some incense and candles, a sage smudge stick (never used yet), some assorted herbs, and a few books as having the "right witchy stuff".

I'm still drawn to being a Druid, and I'm still drawn to Avalon. But I'm also still drawn to Elves and Faeries. Lately I've been wondering if Elves were involved with those in Avalon some how. And if we're to believe that Merlin was a Druid, then surely they must have had some involvement as well.

But I can relate to where Jen is coming from. Feeling like you're "in between". Because while I'm drawn to those things, I occasionally feel drawn to Buddha, Artemis, or more recently Ganesha (there's more but you get the point.)

I suppose in time, with baby steps all will fall into place. And if I keep my eyes, ears, heart and mind open I will find my way.

Feelings...

I'm not really sure where I'm gonna go with this post, but it's one that's been nagging at me for awhile. Since lately I've been feeling a lot of different things. I've thought about this post quite a bit but never could seem to put the words down. This I guess will be my attempt to do such.

Let's start off positive shall we? I've been happy! I am HAPPY! Things with my Beloved are going well. Sister #3 is engaged and is planning a June 2013 wedding. I was sponsored into Book of Days (premium) by a fellow Art Sister. New calves being born (7 over the last month) make me smile. Especially the one born yesterday morning and watching it shakily stand up and try to eat while Momma Cow cleaned it up. Or watching the twin calves frolic in the pasture or chase after their Momma. Seeing the stars so clearly, watching Jupiter and Venus dance in the night sky (I believe that's the 2 I've been seeing.) Watching the full moon rise and basking in Her light. Listening to the birds in the morning, hearing the coyotes call at night, seeing the magpies and other birds enjoying the spring like weather. In the past couple of weeks I've had the joy of seeing a Bald Eagle, a Golden Eagle, a crane or heron (haven't figured out which it is yet), just to name a few. These things make me happy.

I've also been sad. Feeling helpless. Not about myself, but about things I can't do anything about. Things that are out of my control. Like some one that is dear to me that is sick and in pain, that I can't do something to make them feel better. I can't be there to comfort them or their family. Sad that I'm not even supposed to know about it but I do and I can't say anything.
Sad that I can't give my girls more or better things, that I don't have the money. I know money isn't everything and doesn't buy love and happiness. But it makes me sad that I see something that I know they would like and I can't get it for them as a surprise.

And then, I've been angry. Angry that when my youngest doesn't feel well and had mostly an ear infection, instead of comforting her and trying to find a way to ease the pain then take her to the doctor, the Ogre makes her cry and feel worse. Sees her tears as being dramatic and refuses to believe she has an ear infection. While she's on the phone with me, he finally assures her they'll go to the doctor ...but hey guess what, he never did it. Luckily for her, her seems to have resolved on its own. His excuse...he forgot!
Angry that the Troll (the Ogre's sister) finds it acceptable to talk shit about me, telling my kids that I'm crazy. That being crazy is hereditary and they'll end up just like me if they aren't careful. Felt it was okay to give my oldest the silent treatment one day, dirty looks and all...for no reason, just started the day that way.
It angers me that they have to put up with her shit. It angers me that the Ogre allows and tolerates this shit with her to go on.

And then I've been feeling stuck again in the creative areas...art journaling, painting, writing (not a word yet! UGH). I was doing great with BOD at first, then I just kinda feel like I hit a wall and didn't know what to do. I feel stuck because there's so many workshops I want to do and I can't.
I feel stuck in my path. I don't know what to do. I guess maybe I feel like I need a specific label after being brought up Catholic and then spending years in non-denominational "cults". I say cults because most of them wanted you to follow their line of thinking, follow blindly, not asking questions or thinking for yourself.
I still feel drawn to Druidry, but at the same time I still drawn to Avalon and yet feel like hedge/kitchen/green witch is more where I should explore. I had hoped that reading "Avalon Within" by Jhenah Telyndru would perhaps answer some of my questions about the path of Avalon. I was overjoyed that I won a copy of the book, but then sadly I never received it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be on any "path" in particular but just honor the Goddess and the seasons. I don't know.

But yea, I've been feeling a lot of different things lately. And I hate feeling powerless to help someone I care about. I don't like not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, not knowing what my purpose is (I mean as far as a spiritual path, art and writing). I just don't know what to do about it. I have things that can envision, I just don't know how to get those things to come alive. Guess I just have a lot of thinking and searching to do. As long as I have my Beloved and his family and my girls, it's all good.

Randomness And Welcome New Followers

WOOT! 80 followers, that was a lovely surprise the other day when I saw I had that many. Welcome lovely new peeps to my bloggy home. I hope you won't find me boring or mundane. I tend to babble occasionally or when I see something shiny :D

I've been trying to art consistently and for the most part I've been keeping up with it. I haven't started any writing yet, mostly because once I start arting I forget all else.

I've also been playing with my new to me camera that was gifted to me by my very good friend WyldeSage. Getting used to it and learning the settings. I'm having fun with it!

Today my kitty is getting fixed. She rarely meows, and if she does it's usually a very soft, low mew. When we got her to the pet clinic she was quiet until a very loud cat started meowing and howling. She was already taken back to the waiting area and I could hear her meowing. It was distinctly her because it was softer than the other cats there. She has a very unique meow. I just hope she won't be mad at me for leaving her alone in a strange place for a few hours or for the discomfort she's going to be in for a few days.

In other news....a couple of weeks ago, well let's see, just before new year's to be exact. I was talking to my youngest, who was having issues with "HIM". "HE" was getting on her because her dog had an accident in the house (rare, but it happens) and was saying all kinds of shit to her. Proceeded to put her down and belittle her...then, THEN turns around and says she really needs to think better of herself. Uh...excuse me you ass but you just threw a series of put downs at her, making her feel like shit and you say what next? So she wanted to go sleep at a friend's house and "HE" turns around and says to her something along the lines of "oh you're just like your mother, when reality hits you in the face you run away instead of dealing with it." UM...I didn't run away. I did face reality, and I left because it was better for my well-being and happiness. But whatever...you can't reason with "HIM" and I can't confront "HIM" on what "HE" said to her.

I really wish I could just get a divorce from "HIM" already. I haven't spoken to "HIM" since I left except for a few email exchanges and that was only in regard to paying my cell phone bill, which ended up getting turned off because it was a month behind which usually isn't a problem. But some where a payment got posted after a new cycle started which threw everything off. By the time "HE" okayed me to pay it up, it wouldn't accept the payment. Kept getting a message that the back account listed/saved on the site didn't exist. I took that to mean "HE" changed banks or something, but "HE" wouldn't give me a straight answer. But wanted my cell account information so "HE" could log into it...UH NO THX! Sorry but I don't trust "HIM"....so therefore no cell phone.

It feels a little weird not having one. Not that I used it often, but I've just had one for so long that not having it just feel well weird lol. It's those moments when I am out and I see something I want to text to the girls, that's when I really miss it. And getting a prepaid isn't an option right now either. So I guess I'll just have to carry my purty new camera around with me and that should solve that problem :D

It's a cloudy rainy day. Almost all the snow we got yesterday is pretty much gone. I'm tired and feel like I need a nap. Didn't sleep well and had to get up early to get to the pet clinic in time, and the weather just isn't helping...neither is the Double Chocolate Mocha from Dutch Brothers. Maybe I need food? Yea...I think so.

Thanks for stopping by today...Bright Blessings.

Partnering with Spirit Promo

Hello lovely Peeps. I'm sharing this video with you to help my friend and Tribe Sister promote her upcoming class. Check it out:

Wishcast Wednesday - Making Peace

Darn it! I meant to post this Wednesday, got side tracked with other stuff and distracted by an adorable 8 year old. So I'm a little late, but then again I usually am LOL. Better late than never...

So this week Jamie asked: "What or whom do you wish to make peace with?"

Since I am late posting, I've had a little time to ponder this. And I did/do have a list of people and things, but as I thought and think more about it I've realized something. I can't come to peace with outside people or things until I first come to peace with myself. So therefore, I that is what I wish...to make peace with myself.

To learn to accept and love myself for who and what I am. To learn to accept love and generosity from others...that it's okay to accept these things. To accept that I'm no Picasso or Van Gogh and be at peace with what ever I create and paint. To accept that I am no J.K. Rowling but that it doesn't mean I can't write something and that it might be good, but I should at least try.

So yes I need to make peace with myself and accept who and what I am and I need to stop thinking that I need to conform to the world's idea of what or who I should be.

If I Could Have a Magical Ability...

Just found out about this fun blog hop called "Follow My Blog Friday" put on by the The Domestic Pagan.

This week's question is: If you could have magickal ability like any witch from a movie or tv show, who would it be and why?

For me, well...it's a toss up between Piper Hallowell from "Charmed" with her ability to freeze things and people. I mean really how awesome would it be if you say were arguing or chatting with someone who just wouldn't stfu...and BAM! you can freeze them for a few moments of silence. My other choice would be Hermione Granger from "Harry Potter". Especially if I could charm my purse to be a bottomless bag of useful things. She is after all the cleverest witch of her age.

So hop on over and check it out, see what others have said and maybe add your own.

Here's What I've Made So Far...

Here's a few pictures of what I've made so far this year. I've been having a lot of fun making art.

My interpretation of Louise Gale's color challenge. I didn't have Tangerine Tango so I had to blend my on rendition of the color.

This is what I came up with for Tee's "Fire and Ice" prompt.



My January Journal page for Milliande's "Be A Seed" prompt.
My very first ever! ATC for a January challenge.

And last but not least...My cover to my Book of Days.

Reading Challenges, Because I Don't Have Enough To Do Already

One of my personal down time and unwind goals is to get back to reading. There was a time I would read several books in a week. Then I got told "You read too much!" And the person who said it made such a fuss so many times, that gradually and eventually I caved. I read less and less, sometimes lucky if I read a couple of books a year.

But I've missed reading, I've missed the inspiration it gave me. I've missed how some books can be so vivid I could see the story play out in my head. Slowly I've found my way back to my beloved books, but not to the extent I would like it to be. So therefore, I have decided to do some reading challenges this year. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Here's a list of challenges I'll be doing, there's still time to hop on the reading train if you so dare :D


Witchy Bibliophile – 35+ books is my goal


My goal is Dragonrider: 75 books


My goal: I’m on fire! – Read 16+ more books


My goal: Goddess Read 41+ books


My goal: Mother: Read 11 - 15 Witchy Books



On the Roof: 6-10 Challenges

2012 Reading Challenge

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