Blessed Samhain

Happy Halloween

Blessed Samhain

Wishing you all a day and night filled with ghoulish delights.

It is the last day of October, two months left to the year.  

Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo, still don't have a story per say. But I do have at least 

a character, which is more than I had a week ago.  I had planned to try and do

some prep this month, maybe get some things even plotted out. When will I 

learn that my brain doesn't really work that way! I thought to put together a 

Writer's Journal. Something I could refer back to with thought, references, do's and

don'ts, etc. But one of the cats decided it was a great idea to puke a hairball on the notebook

I was considering.

We are still trying to adjust to the new normal around here.  We are all trying to figure

out what we do next.  It's given us pause to think about things.  The "what ifs".

I celebrated my 48th a couple of days ago.  It was low key, with steak for dinner

and chocolate cake for dessert.  Dinner was home cooked and was delicious. We tried 

a Rachel Ray recipe, definitely would make it again.

Well they say this is the Witch's New Year, so I will wish you a Happy New Year too!

Stay safe out there.  Hug your loved ones.

Back In The Blogging Saddle

I've missed blogging! Really, I have! I'd go to bed feeling like I forgot to do something.
But really, I didn't forgot. I've just taken the last few days to try to adjust
to the new normal around here. It's weird you know.  I've been,we've
been so used to him going out and taking care
of Gramma daily that it's strange he doesn't do that now.  Her poor little Doxy is so
confused. The little guy was with her when she passed and saw them come to take her
away.  He doesn't understand yet why he can't go back to his house and where his
mommy has gone. But all in all though, he is doing better than I thought he would.
It probably helps that we have four other dogs!

Now I'm just trying to figure out where things go from here. To keep blogging on both.
To only stick with Word Press.  I do love how easy Blogger is though. Way easier in
some cases than Word Press is. But I've been on here so long, to give it up seems wrong
in so many ways. Yet at times it feels like a ghost town.  With so many of the once active
blogs silent, others moved to different domains.  I miss the interaction that once seemed
so lively here.

I have a lot to think about on that aspect, I guess. Especially since I can't change the web
address here at all.  I think I've gotten to the point that I'd like it to match my blog title.
Just some things to ponder. Along with what the hell am I writing for NaNoWriMo this
year? A week away and I have no clue! That isn't all that unusual for me, not really. But I
do at this point tend to have some character ideas, maybe even setting.  This time though, I don't
and that's a little unnerving.  I think I might sit down this week at some point and go over
unfinished/untouched stories and ideas.  See which ones strike a cord with me. I wouldn't
mind a fresh idea either. Decisions decisions. I'll let you know what I decide on.

Be At Peace

In the wee hours of the early morning, sometime between 2:22 AM and 3:30 AM Gramma left us.
Mom woke us at about 3:30 and said she was gone.  A fierce wind came in and I really believe it swept her spirit off to where ever it needed to go.

She is no longer in pain.  She can eat anything she wants again.  She is once again with all those she loved that have gone on before her.

We all feel a combination of exhaustion, relief, and what do we do now, I think.

I feel.........RAW.
This was so much harder than I thought.
It opened a wound for me that I thought I had healed.
I will heal again; once I know they are all okay.

97 years is a good long life to have lived

Holding Space

I had a post that was forming in my mind that would have gone very well with the prompt for today. But the Universe had other plans and instead I am holding space for my Beloved and his family.

Gramma isn't doing well. She was fine on Sunday, but yesterday was not a good day.  A trip to the  ER and an over night stay, hospice has been called. She will be home this afternoon, but her time with us is short.

It is opening old wounds ten years past. Things are different, yet the same. It's going to be a rough few days.  Best case we have a week, worst case a day or two.

Please send strength and peace to the family as she transitions from this world

October 16 - Ancestors and Altars

October 16 – If I were to build a beautiful altar to my ancestors, who would be on it? Do I know?

Hopefully back on track here with posting daily thanks to prompts. They give me a topic to write about when I feel like my own words are not enough or too much.

Today's topic is Ancestor Altars. 

Growing up Catholic and Polish, I can't say I recall either of my grandmothers having an ancestor altar in their homes.  I know my paternal grandmother would pray the rosary for the dearly departed family members on days such as their birthday, death day, or All Soul's Day. I can't recall anyone having photos or mementos along with candles and statues.

If I were to set one up, it would definitely have a statue or a couple of the Virgin Mary, maybe a saint or two as well.  Some flowers and rosaries.  Photos of my grandmothers, one of my great grandparents, perhaps even my grandfathers.  I don't know what else it would have except for maybe some candles and holy water. 

This isn't an area I am familiar with so it would really take some research to see if there is anything in my ancestral history to indicate what a Polish ancestor altar would look like. Maybe I'll add that to my list of things to research and see what I come up with.

Triple Post

I missed a couple of days, so I will make up for it in this post.

October 13 - How comfortable do I feel reveling in my own awesomeness?
I'm not!  I hate it!  Hell, 95% of the time I don't even feel like I'm awesome.  I feel less than. So no, I am not comfortable at all.

October 14 - Who else am I proud of right now? How can I express that?
My niece.  She's taking advanced classes in her first year of high school! And she is part of FFA and is raising two baby goats, one of which she will show next year.  I don't know how I can express it to her.  I don't get to see her very often. The best I can do is tell her when I see her.

October 15 - What is my dream life like?

I have dreams, don't we all.  But I feel like mine are just that, Dreams.  I don't want to hope for more because I don't want to be disappointed or feel like I failed.  If I put them out there, and I don't achieve them then I will feel like a failure.  I already feel less than, so that would just make it worse. 

It's hard for me to put things out there.  I feel like I shouldn't even voice things. I posted about my one dream on my word press blog. And now, I feel like maybe I should delete it.  Because how dare I put that out there. But then I feel like how dare I even dream that. It's an impossible dream.  One that I know won't happen.  I can use it as my happy place maybe when shit gets hard, I can go there in my mind.

If I dare, in my dream life I am finally divorced and reclaimed my name.  I have a space of my own to do my creating without being in the way. It's colorfully decorated with strings of lights all around and wind chimes hanging outside. I have my easel out there, maybe even another one to go with it. I have canvases to paint on and ones I've completed are hung on the walls. I have candles or incense burning and some Omnia on the CD player. In this dream, maybe I've sold a painting or two, perhaps I've sold a couple of my photos that maybe were just good enough.  And I have a space to write, where I can leave out my quill pens and not have to worry about the cats eating them.  Because FEATHERS!  Perhaps I have a little herb garden or planter growing, I can have some herbs hanging to dry somewhere.

I feel silly, almost childish for even have any kind of dream. I don't feel worthy of having them. 

October 12 - Own It, It's Your Story After All

October 12 - What’s on the top of my ‘kudos to me’ list?


You should take a moment and read Kallan's post on owning your story.  Go ahead. I'll wait.

I am learning how to own my story. But honestly, I'm not sure how to do that. When I try to
change the narrative on a thing, it sounds crazy. That's probably because when I speak the truth
I've been told that I was crazy and that what I say happened isn't how it is.

All my life, I have been told by other people what the story of my life is.
My mother made to sure to tell me often I was an accident. That they weren't even sharing a
bed when I was conceived. To be honest, as I got older, I often wondered if my father was my father.
I often wondered if I was his brother's child. The only way I could prove that now would be if I did a DNA test with my cousins. The thing is though, I don't know if I would want to know.  It wouldn't change things. It would just be that my life was a lie from the beginning.

I've long been told how I was not enough.  I've been told I should have never been born.  I've gone through my life having people think I was something that I wasn't. All because of things other people said. And the people that knew they were lies.........no one, not one would ever step and say anything. No one ever told me that I wasn't any of the lies.

Learning to change the story, is hard as fuck.  Because crazy, you know.  Do you know how many times I've actually wondered if I was in fact crazy because I was made to feel I was? It sucks! It's a wonder that I didn't turn out worse. It's a wonder that I'm not an alcoholic or strung out on pills. Even when I know I am speaking the truth, all the lies in all the voices of those that spoke them scream loudly in my head. Telling me that I'm wrong, I'm crazy, that's not how the story goes.

Growing up without one positive speaking person and then marrying some one that all things should only benefit and revolve around him, it really fucks with you.  In all that time, in the younger part of my life, if I had just want person that told me a different story, I wonder what a difference it could or would have made.

Now, when someone tells me that they believe in me that I can do something. Or that something I made is really good. It is so fucking hard to believe it as truth. It's hard not to think that they are just saying these things to pacify me. That behind my back they maybe telling the "real" story about how bad it is or that I can't do shit.

You can change the narrative.
You can speak it.
Speaking and being heard, believed......seems impossible
But living it and believing it, that's a whole different ball game.

October 11 - Voices

October 11 - When I get quiet with myself, what voices am I hearing, and what are they telling me?

I know they if you're hearing voices you should probably see a psychologist or be committed, right. 
The ones I hear aren't that kind. They don't tell me to do something horrid to others or myself.

They do, however, tell me how worthless I am.  All about my not-enough-ness.  If you have been reading here for awhile, you know what I speak of. The ones that sound like my mother, how I'm just like my father.  Stubborn, useless, lazy, scrawny.  I was shamed for being a thin child, not having meat on my bones.  My ass was too boney.  Seriously!  Who the fuck tells a small child their ass is too boney.  My mother did. If I am stubborn like my father, then I'd like to wear it like a badge of honor.  I want to take that to mean that he resisted her bullshit at times too.

Oh how she tried to make me into a mini version of herself, spewing hatred and hating everyone and everything.  But I couldn't do it. If I couldn't rationalize why I was supposed to hate a person, group, or thing because she did, I wouldn't do it. If I went against her, I'd get the silent treatment for days. Then she'd come tear up my room with a big black garbage bag and would start to get rid of my things. I used to beg and cry, but eventually I learned that none of that would work and she would just do it anyway.

She told HIM (the not soon enough to be ex) that he would regret marrying me one day. I was lazy and good for nothing, that I didn't know how to do anything.  HE told me if I ever tried to leave him with the kids, he'd have me arrested and declared unfit.  HE told me on more than one occasion that I needed to be on medication and needed to see a shrink. And maybe I did need to see someone, but not for the reasons HE said.

I've been to counselors in school.  Out of all of them, only one was actually helping and he was transferred at the end of the school year. I tried the two that followed him, but they were more like just giving us a place to get out of class.  When I worked for Blue Cross, they had one.  I tried one visit. I remember it as the office being dimly lit and him not saying much. It was awkward and uncomfortable, I never went back. I can't remember if I tried when I was in college.  I think I did, once or twice.  I wasn't what I thought it would be either.  Eventually I just gave up with trying to talk about things with professionals.

I dance with the negative voices almost daily.  Sometimes it's a win, sometimes I lose, sometimes it's a draw because I go binge on Netflix when I don't feel like arguing with them. Sometimes the voices sound like my mother, sometimes they sound like HIM, other times like one of my other former abusers.  I think I'm getting better at telling them to fuck off. But maybe not, because if I was then maybe I wouldn't be stuck so much of the time. I don't know. Maybe I'll never be rid of them. Maybe I'll never win the battle.  Only time will tell.

October 10 - Medal

October 10 - If I could give myself a shiny medal for anything this year so far what would it be for?

Do I deserve a medal for anything?

I don't feel like I do.  Not for anything I've accomplished, because I don't feel like
I have accomplished much of anything.

Maybe a medal for procrastination?  Is that a thing?  I'm not proud of it, but I could
certainly win it.

Remember I said I was going to start The Artist's Way?
I haven't done a thing.
I still haven't finished reading the first chapter.

Remember that art journal project I mentioned
Pages are still blank for the last 9 days.

That canvas
Still blank

It's "Prep-tober" for NaNo
Still no clue what I'm doing, nothing prepped.

So yep, the medal for procrastination goes to............ME!

(image found on Google)

October 9 - The Title of My Life

October 9 - If my life were a novel, what would it be called?

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!  I put this in my drafts and forgot to finish and post it.

I feel like I might have wrote a post once in which I came up with some titles.  But I can't recall for sure.

Some options I've thought of:

The Mistakes I've Made
Things You Shouldn't Do
If I Could Do It All Again
The Beautiful Mess That Is My Life

I suck at titles if you haven't noticed.  Even at titling a post, I struggle.
I wonder how authors come up with the title for a book.  I know some can
be quite obvious like the titles for the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson.

Those are mostly snarky titles, I would say.  If I dug deep, if thought about what
I really wanted to tell about my life thus far. It might be something like
"How I Survived Being Raised By A Narcissist"

But truthfully, I don't know what I would call because I haven't written it.

October 8 - Who Am I

October 8 - Who am I, really? Right now. This moment.

I.Don't.Know.

Seriously. I don't have an answer.

I am everything
I am nothing
I am no one
I am every one that has come before me

I am an artist
even when I don't make art

I am a writer
even when I don't write

I am a photographer
even when I don't touch my camera for days
or weeks

I am a lover
a fighter
a girlfriend
a survivor
a friend
a mother

I was someone's daughter
granddaughter
a niece
a cousin

I am a moon gazing Goddess lover
I am a Pagan
a witch
a druid
a lover of the old ways

love me
hate me
I.AM.ME.

October 7 - "Catch" and Release

October 7 - What needs releasing? What needs hanging on to?


Releasing:

• Old habits
• Old hurts
• Anger at certain things or people
• Things that no longer serve me 

I try to let things do, I really do.  It's a work in progress.  There are times I think I've released something, then there's a trigger and the wounds are reopened.  The angers flare. 


Hold On To:

• The ones that I love
• My fondest memories of my Grandma, my children, my childhood
• The big one..........My Dreams.

I've let go of far too many of my dreams for other people. I've let others dictate my story, my life for so long.  I am on the road to changing the narrative.  It's a long road that began a few years ago. I still have such a long way to go.  There are set backs, thanks to the triggers.  But progress is being made.

I feel like there is so much more I should be writing.  But I think I am overthinking the prompt. So I'll just quit while I am ahead and keep it simple.

October 6 - Last Quarter Plans

October 6 - What are my plans for the last few months of the year?

Today's prompt is what's the plan for the rest of the year.

It should be the same as what I planned for the beginning of the year. It should be
the things I was supposed to be doing all year to start with. 

But my sorry procrastinating ass doesn't do even half of what I plan to do at the beginning
of each year.  This year, I don't even feel like I over loaded myself with things I wanted to do.
And I've gotten next to nothing accomplished!  I'm so sick and tired of not doing the things I want
to do.

I'm sick of not writing.
I'm sick of not painting.
I'm sick of not journaling.
I'm sick of not learning.

I want to create.
I want to write.
I want to paint.
I want to study.
I want to learn.

So, for the remainder of the year the plan is to do the things I've been wanting to do and to catch
up on the things I have fallen behind on.  I know I won't get it all done, but hopefully I can make
a dent in it.

October 5 - Would I Do Anything Different?

October 5 - If I could do anything differently right now, what would it be?


YES!
NO!
MAYBE?
I don't fucking know!!!!

Seriously, I don't know.

As I was writing my Wordpress post, I though I knew the answer. 
The more I thought about it, the less sure I was of my answer.
Even now, I'm unsure.

I think well IF I didn't marry him, I would not have my kids.
Then I think, well IF they were meant to be born I would have had them
with who ever I married.
If I had stood my ground, followed my heart, maybe I'd have a degree. 
Maybe I'd be working in a different field from the ones I ended up in.
But then I think, well I wouldn't have had the joy of knowing some of the
people that came into my life.

But maybe if I stood my ground when I ended a relationship I wouldn't have
been held at gun point and knife point on two separated occasions. Maybe if I
stood up for myself, people wouldn't have treated me the way they did.

Maybe things happened for me to learn from.  I could have really gone
without some of those supposed lessons.  I think I learned more how to be
afraid and to become extremely introverted than anything else.  I don't
see that as useful lessons.

There are things I would change, but I don't know if I would change how I did them.

October 4 - What Am I Proud Of?

October 4 - What am I super proud of?

I might have mentioned a few times I hate tooting my own horn and such.

But I am really proud of myself for finishing my very first canvas.  It was piece that
Whitney Freya taught in her free Rise Above class a few weeks ago.  She taught about painting with
intention and the image we created was that of a butterfly.

I kept thinking my piece was too dark, too childish, too coloring book like. To simplistic. But hey it's a butterfly.  And it's my first time painting like this.  I had fun. I really enjoyed painting on the canvas. More than I thought I would.  I can't wait to do my next canvas.

So that's my proud moment of the week.

(please forgive the briefness of the post.  I'm tired again today, the weather change is hitting me.  The chilly temps and the windy days are starting to wear a bit.  Even if I am totally enjoying sweat shirt weather.)

October 3 - Gratitude

October 3 - What do I have to be grateful for?


Gratitude is in the little things.
The dragonfly that buzzes by and lands near you.
The butterfly that lands on a beautiful flower.
The abundance you harvest from the garden.
The smile from a stranger when YOU offer a helping hand.

A shoulder to cry on.
A good belly laugh that leaves you gasping for breathe.
A toddler dancing to the beat of their own song.
Puppy kisses
Kitty purrs

A grandparent celebrating another year of life
Your child's smile
The sound of the rain
The whispers of the wind
The warmth of sunshine
The glow of the Moon

There is so much to be grateful for, if only we take a moment to see it.

Thanking someone and letting them know you are grateful for them can
go a long way.

Thank You!  I'm grateful you are here.

October 2 - Hope

October 2 - What are my hopes for the coming month?


The hope is to continue with blogging daily.  Thank goodness for prompts, they help with foggy brain. Of course forming words to go with said prompt can be a whole other challenge.  There have been and I'm sure there will be days where I paste in the prompt and let it sit on the page while I putter around.  Some days take me longer to put words together than others.

I'm hoping to get started on "A Year With My Muse".  I pulled out my "faux-skine" last night but drew a blank as to what the hell to do.  So I just wrote a page in it about what I hope for it to be.  Not to sure on the quality of the paper, standard writing with most pens don't seem to have much of a bleed through. But to art in, I haven't a clue. Don't know yet if I will have to be gluing 2 pages together or not for strenghtening purposes.

Of course there is the hope of coming to the easel on a more regular basis.  My current WIP is just about done.  I am so excited to have almost finished my first canvas.

I am also hoping to do some "Prep-tober" for NaNo.  Prepping for me is developing and naming my characters, locations, if there is any sort of magic use, and getting some semblance of a plot-story line figured out.  I might look for images of characters and places, maybe put together a music play list.  Sketch out a map if I need one.  And that is the extent of my planning.  I'm not an outliner.  I'm a panster.  I write by the seat of my pants.

These are my creative hopes at least. 

Day 1 - Happy October!!

October 1 - What worked for me last month? What will I carry over into this month?

Can you believe it? We are officially in the last quarter of the year! Where did the time go? 
It's officially my birthday month!  The day I try to ignore and pretend it isn't on the calendar or it's just another day. But no one will play along!  They insist on making a big deal out of it.   *SIGH!*
My Babci used to say your birthday was the whole week.  I think she made that up! Mostly because I think I was an answer to her prayers and my birthday was a 4 days before hers.  So I was her gift. And of course celebrating my week meant it rolled right on into hers.  I want to change my thinking on this, after all I'm going to be the big 4-8. So why not celebrate the whole damn month! At the end we get candy, cuz Halloween yo!

Okay, enough of being cheesy.  On to the prompt from Effy Wild's PDF of October Prompts.

What worked?
Well........I end up spending most of my day in front of my computer for no good reason really. This last month of nudges and the challenge from Effy made me turn it into something productive. I committed to a challenge and I did it, twice over by posting on two blogs. It showed me that I can do it.  That I can complete a challenge.  That I can write (every day).  That I can focus and do a thing that I want to do.

What am I going to carry over?
Hopefully that same determination that I went into September with. I want to continue with blogging daily as much as I can.  Effy ever so kindly provided a list of prompts for this month to work with.  I hope to carry it further by doing a personal challenge I am calling "A Year With My Muse". And then on into November for NaNoWriMo.  Who knows where it could lead to so long as I maintain my determination and focus.