I went to see the advocate from the shelter today. Her official title is "Legal Advocate". I left her office feeling like a child told to sit at the table until she finished all her peas.
I felt no connection with this woman at all, other than I felt like she was judging me. She asked me what was going on, so I tried to explain to her. She was like no...I don't want to know about past stuff how about more recent. So I told her that...and she was all 'mmhmmm mmhmmm' 'yes what you are saying all constitutes abuse'. Then she says some thing like 'I'm not getting all "Oh my goodness" about it because I hear stories like this 10 times a day, you're not telling me anything new.' I asked well what are my options. I can't take it anymore, I have no support system here, no friends no family...I have no job, no money...I need help what can I do?
She said she can't advise me on things like that, she's only allowed to file Temporary Orders of Protection. I'm sorry you work at a crisis center and the only thing you can tell me is that if I need a TPO you can file it. She went on to tell me she only studied Criminal Law so she's not allowed to do anything else. She kept taking calls from another client while I was there, and to be honest I don't feel she handled that very well either.
In the end she handed me a sheet of paper with names and numbers to lawyers, Legal Services, Legal Aid, and a referral service that has a 30 minute free consult. And she told me IF I use it, I better have all my questions ready other wise I might end up wasting my 30 minutes on 2 questions. I asked her well what sort of questions should I ask...got the can't answer that reply.
She also gave me paper with the name and number to the psychologist they use. Then she says well you probably don't really need to call her, you already know it's abuse.
She told me I couldn't or shouldn't leave until I had a lawyer take my case and it was filed and only AFTER they tell me it's okay to leave the state so I can be near my support system. She said if I leave, the Ogre can cite abandonment, say I'm unfit, etc. And then she was like you really don't want those kinds of charges against you, do you? So I said but if I went to a shelter he can't do that, she was like yea true.
I kept trying to find out what my options were, short of going to the shelter. She didn't give me any. Just told me to call the numbers on the list. And when they say I can leave then come in or call and see if they can help me get out to my Beloved and his family. Then before she sends me on my way (because now she has to go meet a judge she says) she tells me "Well I don't know what your belief in god is. But have you consider that maybe he is testing you to see how strong your faith is? Everything happens for a reason, and maybe he is testing you to see if you will give up on yourself. And if you give up on yourself, then god will give up on you."
I was stunned. Lucky I'm not christian anymore. But holy shit if I was...I mean wtf?! How can you tell somebody their abuse is a test from god and basically saying suck it up. If you want out you're on your own I gave you lawyer numbers you do the rest. I left feeling like I kicked in the gut. I asked for help and got slapped in the face.
I will attempt to see the girl I originally spoke to on the phone next week. See if I can't get some better advice. If not, I don't know what to do next. My Beloved says we will get through this. To just forget about this chick, and pretend she didn't happen. To go back next week and see if Girl #1 can help me out.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
It Is You, I Always Knew
I don't know how to say it the way I wish I could. My words seem to jumble up and tumble out in a mixed mess. But this I know my Beloved...
From that very first hello, I knew
How I would hold my breath and wait to see if you noticed me, I knew
From the first time we spoke, I knew
That first conversation, where you said I love you...I knew
When I tried to hold the words back that slipped so breathlessly from my lips, that I love you too, I knew
From the first time we saw each other, I knew
There is never a day that goes by since that very first one, that I ever doubted that I love you.
There is never a day that goes by since that I ever doubted your love for me.
There has not been a day since you left that I have not missed you to the point of aching.
I cannot look at the door without remembering when you strode through and bounded up the stairs to take me in your arms for the first time.
I cannot look at the spot we stood in without remembering your arms around me, how safe and loved I felt for the first time in my life. How truly happy I was just being with you.
Or the spot where you knelt down and put the ring you so lovingly picked out just for me and when you slipped on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you.
I cannot look at that same door without remembering how we cried when you left. And your promise that it would not be forever. That we would be together again, as soon as possible.
With every word, with every I love you, with every promise you made...I knew
I know you never lie to me, I know you are the one, My soul mate and love of my life.
I know that my heart aches for you, an ache that is beyond bearable.
I know that we are meant to be together, that we have a life to be shared that is meant just for the two of us to share. We have the kind of love that is rare, beautiful and true.
I know that we are forever, the forever kind of love, the kind of love that can see us through to the end of time. We have the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind that allows to us to find each other again and again in each life we live.
When you found me, I knew it was you...the one I'd wished for all my life.
If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that it's you, my Beloved...it's you, that I love and want to be with for the rest of my life no matter what it takes....it's you it's you it's you and this I knew then and still know now.
I always knew it was you since the day you found me.
I love you, with all that is in me, with my whole heart and soul, I love you S. With every breath, with every heart beat, I love you.
From that very first hello, I knew
How I would hold my breath and wait to see if you noticed me, I knew
From the first time we spoke, I knew
That first conversation, where you said I love you...I knew
When I tried to hold the words back that slipped so breathlessly from my lips, that I love you too, I knew
From the first time we saw each other, I knew
There is never a day that goes by since that very first one, that I ever doubted that I love you.
There is never a day that goes by since that I ever doubted your love for me.
There has not been a day since you left that I have not missed you to the point of aching.
I cannot look at the door without remembering when you strode through and bounded up the stairs to take me in your arms for the first time.
I cannot look at the spot we stood in without remembering your arms around me, how safe and loved I felt for the first time in my life. How truly happy I was just being with you.
Or the spot where you knelt down and put the ring you so lovingly picked out just for me and when you slipped on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you.
I cannot look at that same door without remembering how we cried when you left. And your promise that it would not be forever. That we would be together again, as soon as possible.
With every word, with every I love you, with every promise you made...I knew
I know you never lie to me, I know you are the one, My soul mate and love of my life.
I know that my heart aches for you, an ache that is beyond bearable.
I know that we are meant to be together, that we have a life to be shared that is meant just for the two of us to share. We have the kind of love that is rare, beautiful and true.
I know that we are forever, the forever kind of love, the kind of love that can see us through to the end of time. We have the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind that allows to us to find each other again and again in each life we live.
When you found me, I knew it was you...the one I'd wished for all my life.
If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that it's you, my Beloved...it's you, that I love and want to be with for the rest of my life no matter what it takes....it's you it's you it's you and this I knew then and still know now.
I always knew it was you since the day you found me.
I love you, with all that is in me, with my whole heart and soul, I love you S. With every breath, with every heart beat, I love you.
Struggle For Words
How do you dig so deep inside yourself to pour out the words to express how you feel? I try to piece the words into sentences in my mind, and for a brief moment they sound fine until I try to speak them. Then they sound pitiful, mixed up, and I am afraid sound so far from what I'm trying to say that I wonder if I really am being understood. Or what do you do when you have things you want to say, need to say, and you don't know how to say it? I am really struggling with this one. I don't want to hold back that's what got me to where we are at the moment. Holding back made such a mess of things and I'm done with all of that shit. I need to speak from my heart, but how to get the words from my heart out of my mouth.
I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.
When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.
I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.
And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.
He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.
I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.
When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.
I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.
And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.
He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The End of BIG - Week 1
I have to say I liked week 1 for the most part. The exercises I that I thought were going to be hard were easier and vice versa. I'm still learning how to really listen to what the painting wants. It's harder than you think. And Fear, boy that one shows up in all kinds of guises.
I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.
After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.
Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.
At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.
I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.
After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.
Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.
At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.
Drowning in Emotion
Ever since I made that call on Wednesday, I have felt like I am drowning in emotions. I feel like someone has ripped a too small bandage off a very deep and raw wound. I feel it deep in my gut and in my heart. The feeling of just wanting to cry and cry won't go away. Feeling alone and like I've lost everything and everyone, even though those I love and that support me are still very much right here. They haven't left me.
I plan to go into see the advocates on Monday, but I will admit I am terrified. I am scared that this feeling of being raw, open and wounded will only get deeper and worse. I am terrified that in the end, I will end up being lost and alone when all is said and done. I've been so condition from a young age to detach and suppress, that while in someways I welcome the pain because I know I'm not numb. At the same time, I don't know how much I can take.
I miss my Beloved so much, my heart literally hurts. It feels like it is breaking over and over into a million pieces. And all I can do is hope and pray and wish we find our way back together. I don't want know what it would be like to live without him by my side, to have to live without telling him or showing him how much I love him. To have to live with out showing him how happy he makes me and how much he means to me. I don't want to have to go through life with out my Beloved. But all I can do is wish, hope and pray, and tell him I love him when I can.
I have even resorted to speaking out loud to my Grandma. I miss her so much. I wish she was here to give me advice or at least put her arms around me, kiss the top of my head and tell me I was her angel and everything would be okay. I just wish she wasn't so cryptic when she told me things back then. But it was her way of giving advice sometimes. Sometimes I know she is with us, we can smell her sometimes other times we think we hear her walking. I could really use her help right now. I wonder if it's possible that she could somehow.
I plan to go into see the advocates on Monday, but I will admit I am terrified. I am scared that this feeling of being raw, open and wounded will only get deeper and worse. I am terrified that in the end, I will end up being lost and alone when all is said and done. I've been so condition from a young age to detach and suppress, that while in someways I welcome the pain because I know I'm not numb. At the same time, I don't know how much I can take.
I miss my Beloved so much, my heart literally hurts. It feels like it is breaking over and over into a million pieces. And all I can do is hope and pray and wish we find our way back together. I don't want know what it would be like to live without him by my side, to have to live without telling him or showing him how much I love him. To have to live with out showing him how happy he makes me and how much he means to me. I don't want to have to go through life with out my Beloved. But all I can do is wish, hope and pray, and tell him I love him when I can.
I have even resorted to speaking out loud to my Grandma. I miss her so much. I wish she was here to give me advice or at least put her arms around me, kiss the top of my head and tell me I was her angel and everything would be okay. I just wish she wasn't so cryptic when she told me things back then. But it was her way of giving advice sometimes. Sometimes I know she is with us, we can smell her sometimes other times we think we hear her walking. I could really use her help right now. I wonder if it's possible that she could somehow.
My Baby Girl Turned 15 Today!
Today my little one turned 15. It seemed like just yesterday I was looking at her for the first time. And now she's grown and beautiful, smart and witty (bit of a smart ass too).
I only wish the best for my little one, for both my girls. I wish them happiness, good health, good friends, much love and joy, and to follow their hearts in all they do.
Happy birthday my little faerie child, Mama loves you.
I only wish the best for my little one, for both my girls. I wish them happiness, good health, good friends, much love and joy, and to follow their hearts in all they do.
Happy birthday my little faerie child, Mama loves you.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Taking Another Step
So yesterday, after staring at the number once I entered it in my cell phone for like an hour, I called the local women's shelter and spoke to an advocate. She is encouraging me to come in and speak to her and a colleague further. She understands my reasons for trying to avoid going to the shelter right now.
She told me every little thing, no matter if it's the silent treatment with the dirty looks, or the full blown being shouted at...whether it's everyday, once a week, or once a month...everything he does down to controlling if or when I can go to the store is all abuse. That really is a hard pill to swallow. She's suggested group counseling but the one she's recommending is at least a 15 minute car ride from me and there is NO WAY in hell the Ogre will take me there. On a Monday night no less.
The other good news though is that they have several lawyers they work with and chances are good they can find one to take me on pro bono. Also more good news is after all that is done, they can help me get out of state. Now, once I'm out there, I don't know what will happen. It's a bit too far ahead to see or plan out. I don't know if they can help get any public assistance applications or housing applications going for me, or they could set me up with a shelter to go to for a little bit.
I need to take this one step at a time. I need to figure out all that I want or need to take. I still have some papers I need to pull together that the lawyer might need. I need to figure out what I will do once he is served with the divorce papers. Is there someone I can stay with or will I have to actually resort to going to a shelter for that time until the divorce is finalized? Still a lot of unanswered questions. If I go to the shelter they can ensure my safety just in case, and make sure I make any and all court appearances. She's even suggesting I consider filing for a TPO. It's a long shot to get a judge to approve since the Ogre hasn't physically or verbally threatened to do me or the girls harm. It would make the Ogre have to leave the house, and I don't know what kind of repercussions this could have later. Yes I know it's there to protect me and the girls if I got one. But outside of the Ogre's threats to have me declared unfit...I am not sure I have a chance or reason to get one.
I also told her about how the Ogre kept telling me at one point I was depressed and that I needed to see a therapist or go to the doctor for medication. She said the Ogre was definitely looking to twist things to make me look or seem crazy and/or in need of meds to use against me later on. Seems to be a classic sign among abusers, one among many.
Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I will probably go up to see her on Monday since it's walking distance for me to get to. It's all very overwhelming and I just feel like such an emotional wad of tears. Missing my Beloved and my heart aching over us only adds to the desire to sit myself in a corner and just cry until I can't anymore. I guess you could say I'm a crier, it's how I try to get through the emotions like a release. It's part of who I am it seems.
She told me every little thing, no matter if it's the silent treatment with the dirty looks, or the full blown being shouted at...whether it's everyday, once a week, or once a month...everything he does down to controlling if or when I can go to the store is all abuse. That really is a hard pill to swallow. She's suggested group counseling but the one she's recommending is at least a 15 minute car ride from me and there is NO WAY in hell the Ogre will take me there. On a Monday night no less.
The other good news though is that they have several lawyers they work with and chances are good they can find one to take me on pro bono. Also more good news is after all that is done, they can help me get out of state. Now, once I'm out there, I don't know what will happen. It's a bit too far ahead to see or plan out. I don't know if they can help get any public assistance applications or housing applications going for me, or they could set me up with a shelter to go to for a little bit.
I need to take this one step at a time. I need to figure out all that I want or need to take. I still have some papers I need to pull together that the lawyer might need. I need to figure out what I will do once he is served with the divorce papers. Is there someone I can stay with or will I have to actually resort to going to a shelter for that time until the divorce is finalized? Still a lot of unanswered questions. If I go to the shelter they can ensure my safety just in case, and make sure I make any and all court appearances. She's even suggesting I consider filing for a TPO. It's a long shot to get a judge to approve since the Ogre hasn't physically or verbally threatened to do me or the girls harm. It would make the Ogre have to leave the house, and I don't know what kind of repercussions this could have later. Yes I know it's there to protect me and the girls if I got one. But outside of the Ogre's threats to have me declared unfit...I am not sure I have a chance or reason to get one.
I also told her about how the Ogre kept telling me at one point I was depressed and that I needed to see a therapist or go to the doctor for medication. She said the Ogre was definitely looking to twist things to make me look or seem crazy and/or in need of meds to use against me later on. Seems to be a classic sign among abusers, one among many.
Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I will probably go up to see her on Monday since it's walking distance for me to get to. It's all very overwhelming and I just feel like such an emotional wad of tears. Missing my Beloved and my heart aching over us only adds to the desire to sit myself in a corner and just cry until I can't anymore. I guess you could say I'm a crier, it's how I try to get through the emotions like a release. It's part of who I am it seems.
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