Who Do You Say You Are?

I've already written about this topic on my WP blog. But I wanted to come here and write something as well.  This is still "home" for me, where my blog journey began. Before I dive in though.....

Full Moon Blessings!!
We're out of the Mercury Retrograde and it's shadow phase? I think they call it.
There seems to be some talk of this moon bringing about things coming to an end, releasing, etc.
Yet I feel like I hear that every other full moon too.

I am sad.  I found out via FB that my oldest aunt passed away.  Others knew hours before I did, but no one let me know.  It was by luck I saw my cousin's post.  If anything made me feel less a part of my family, it was probably this. 
My Aunt J was my second god mother, meaning she was my sponsor at my Confirmation. It was at her house that I spent about two weeks every summer with my parents.  She is the one who taught me how to crochet.  It is from her that I get my love of crafting.  I wish I had learned more from her, especially the finer points of crochet.  I used to marvel at how she didn't even have to watch her stitches. She used to just watch TV and hook away. It was like magic.  She was 94. 

Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe it's that I never felt like I was a part of the family, like I was an outsider.  I don't know.  I'm not making a stink over it or a fuss....hell I this is the first I'm even saying anything about it. I don't feel saying anything would be useful.  So I let it all go, I release it.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrighty....so........that question.......

It was posed by a lovely lady named Cynthia Lee.

I saw the question come up last night in my feed. 

And it was like a light bulb. Or a slap in the face...like a "hey you! wake up!"

If you have followed along here for awhile, then you more or less know my story.

I grew being told I wasn't enough. That I was an accident and shouldn't have been born.

My father believed that my mother tried to "loose" me in her pregnancy but having

"accidents".  I've been told I'm stubborn, and I must be to some extent because I'm here, she

couldn't get rid of me if his beliefs were true.  I've been told I'm stupid and gullible. That I'm

not good enough, that no one would ever want me.

Move onto my marriage where I was also told I wasn't good enough. No one would ever want 

me. That I was crazy, lazy, and stupid. That I didn't do things the right way because they weren't

his way or how his mother did them. That everything was my fault, even when it wasn't.

So this question, to me is asking me "WHO DO I THINK I AM?"  

I have struggled with this for some time.  I always try to push to the back corner of my mind and

try to ignore it.  I don't have the confidence to answer it with conviction.

Whenever someone asks me what do you do.  I will notice myself shrinking.  I'll kind of bow my

head and look around at the ground or away from the person.  I won't make eye contact at this point.

Then in a small voice, I might say "I'm an artist" or "I'm a writer."   And immediately, I feel guilty and like I am a fraud. How dare I claim those titles?

I struggle and flounder when I call myself a survivor or try to think of myself as a warrior.

I find it near impossible to call myself an advocate or think of myself as a potential one.

I mean how many times have I been told or implied that what I went through is nothing. That

others experienced way worse than I did. Basically they fall short of saying that any of what I've

been through was any form of abuse.  I'm usually considered to be over reacting.  Making a mountain

out of a mole hill.

I feel like I have block so much out of my memory, there is so much I can't remember.  And then, there will be vivid snippets of things.  I think people think that I'm not a survivor because of the 

numerous times I went back to my physical abuser.  And people that know the not yet ex, find it 

impossible to believe that he was emotionally and psychologically abusive.  Around others, he's such a charmer.  Even when he'd make remarks to me, they laugh at it and act like it wasn't anything.

But  they had no idea what it was doing to me.  When I finally understood myself that it was abuse, I tried to open up to people I  thought I could be open with.  But my cries for help fell on deaf ears.  I got the "you made your bed, you lie in it" vibe.

In the last year, as I've gotten closer to turning 50...I feel like I am shifting.

All my life, I've been told who and what I am.  And I let that define me and be my story.

But those things aren't true. They are lies I was told.

I've been trying to find the path to what my true story is.  Who am I without what I was told I am?

All my life, I did what was expected of me.  Have a "real" job, get married, have kids, have a house.

The time in church tried to make me believe I was to be obedient and submissive.  Tried to tell me who to be friends with and who not to. What I should and should not believe.  Don't question the pastor.

I was made to feel less than because I didn't finish college.  I was made to feel less than because I enjoyed working in fast food over working in an office or even retail.

I was made to feel less than because I have dental problems and am paralyzingly terrified to get it taken care (besides being unable to even afford it).

I was made to feel less than because I didn't fix up my hair and put on make up or because I didn't dress a certain way.

I think I have finally made it to the point where I can say FUCK IT!  

No, I don't usually wear make up.  I prefer not to. But on an occasion, I'll put some on.

I'm tired of dressing how I'm supposed to or to please someone.   I like my black clothing!

I like my dark colors.  But  I also like things flow-y, almost hippy or peasant like.  I've never been 

comfortable showing off my goods so to speak.

I would rather where my hair up in a messy bun or in braids.

I'm not quite to where I can boldly speak my truth or what is on my mind.

I feel guilty whenever I do and second guess for days or weeks.  But I'm working on it.

I am working on confidently calling myself an artist, a writer, and a budding photographer.

These will take time, and hopefully eventually I will become more comfortable and confident in calling myself these things.

I often shy away from calling myself Pagan because people automatically assume you worship Satan and sacrifice things.   I've considered just telling people I'm Catholic and leaving it there.  

I'm struggling to find balance in what my path actually is.  

I'm a wanna be Druid, who has eclectic witchy leanings, who wants to worship the Goddess, but yet honor Mary and Mary Magdalene.    Talk about pot luck, eh?

I know my path and my beliefs are my own, and I owe no one any explanations. 

It's hard unlearning all the things you were ingrained with that broke you.

But I think, little by little I am evolving into the person I was meant to be.

So...in a rather shaky voice...I say that I am a survivor, a warrior, a healer, an artist, a writer, a Nature lover, a budding photographer, an aspiring Druidess, a Goddess loving worshiper, a Mary and Mary Magdalene honorer, and so much more that I have yet to discover.

Trying To Find A Happy Medium

I'm still trying to find that happy place with my bedroom.
UGH! What a pain in the ass that is.

I want my creative space by the window, but the cats won't
allow for that.  So it's still in the corner by the window.

Even if I switch it all around, there's no guarantee I'll be
satisfied lol.
My two short walls are a closet on one and the window in
the middle of the other.  Then I have two long walls, one shorter
because of the doorway to the hall and it has the heating vent.

Even if I just flip the bed and dresser, I'm sort of in the same
pickle, just a mirror image. If I put the bed by the window then
the room becomes super narrow with the dresser and I'll
more than likely have no room for my art corner.

I think ideally I need a new dresser or two.  Instead of one long one
I should have two tall ones.  I think my art corner should probably
be more of a corner type desk, instead of the drop leaf table that it is.
I can drop the sides but then I have almost no work space.

I just moved out a smaller three drawer piece I was using for art
supplies. But the poor thing was so warped and swelled from
having been outside, it was getting unusable.  I thought that
when I painted it, it would help the wood but that
didn't happen.  And so, as much as I love how it turned out...
it just isn't practical.

I know things would be easier to figure out if I had my
art shed. But that is still just in the planning phase. Trying to
figure out what supplies I would need and how much of it.
Trying to determine the best size and location on the property for
it.  Is it better to buy a premade or kit or is it better to just
build it ourselves?  Then I thought maybe it would be better
and cheaper to just get an old camper trailer. Could remodel
the inside some or just change up the coloring, new carpeting,
new  curtains and seat covers.  That is an option. But there's the
trick of getting it here and it not costing a fortune.

If/when I have that, then I'd have some more space to play with
in my bedroom and maybe then I could find some happy medium
with it.

Or maybe I'm just using this all as excuse to distract my mind
from things I should be doing. By dwelling on this, I'm not
doing or making anything. Then again, it's been too damn hot
to even breathe.

Ah well, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

Starseeds

Started falling down that Google rabbit hole again.

Looking at stuff about Starseeds.  I vaguely recall hearing
the term some time ago and was curious about it but never really
dove much into it.

The term came up again in a group I'm in on FB. And of
course my curiosity was piqued again.  I had no idea there were
some many types.  Apparently they come from different sectors like
Orion or Alpha Senturi or Andromeda.  I think one site said there
were seven places?

I guess when you feel like you don't belong anywhere.
When you feel like a black sheep or an outcast, an outsider.
When no matter where you are, you have a longing for a home
or a place you aren't even sure exists.
These things make a bit more sense when you start reading about
Starseeds.

Maybe it's all just a bunch of malarkey.  Maybe there's something
to it.  I know there are people out there that firmly believe in this
sort of thing.  But if as the saying goes, "we are all made of stardust"
perhaps this thing isn't so far fetched after all.

Maybe it's the desire to learn and the philosophical aspects of my
astrology signs that are sparking these curiosities.
I couldn't say.

People think I'm already off my rocker most of the time anyway.
So what's one more quirk? Right?

No, I haven't lost my mind.
No, I'm not going to get weird.
Though, depending on who you ask they'd say I already have
lost my mind and that I am already weird.

I just think it's an interesting subject and if nothing else,
maybe I can use it in my writing.

Astrology And Me

I long thought, since I was a kid really,
that my sign was the one I was born under.
Period! The End!
That I was born a Scorpio and that's all there was.

Over time, (eight years ago, I suppose) I found out
there was more to.  There's Ascendant and Moon and
a shit ton of other things.  Houses and Ruling planets.

Being curious, I've on and off tried to look into things.
But I look at my chart...you know the ones you can do
for free online.  And so much of it like gibberish to me.

I've discovered my rising/ascendant is Capricorn.
And that my moon sign is Gemini.

Now, what I've been reading on just those alone has been
enlightening. An eye opener.

It explains why I feel so restless and/or unsettled.
It explains why I often feel like I need to get to the bottom
of things. Like why was my mother how she was. This might
be because of my Moon sign.
I've been told I'm much too conservative. And that might
be as a result of my Ascendant.
My Sun sign seems to explain my desire for authenticity
and seeking the truth.

I haven't yet gone passed all this.
It's quite overwhelming.
I'm in a group where people are talking about 11th house
stuff and what not. And I'm completely lost.
My 4th, 6th, 7th, 11th, and 12th houses all show up as blank.
No signs, stars, planets, asteroids as far as I can tell.  I was just
told though that your 11th house cannot be empty.  I don't understand
what that means.

To be honest, I don't understand any of it.
Maybe I can learn.
Another question came up about whether you were a Rainbow, a
Crystal, an Indigo, a Starseed, or a Light worker/warrior.  I thought there
used to be some online quiz thing to help determine it but I can't find it.
Though from what I just was reading, it appears I might be an
Indigo.
What does that mean?  Hell if I know for sure.  But it sure does
explain why I never felt like I belonged and many it seems have
gone through trauma or abuse in there childhood and teens. 

Why do I even care about this stuff?
I dunno.  It's fascinating for one.
I think it's something I've always been curious about.
Just looking at these four things, seems to explain or
clarify some things for me. 
Maybe it's because 50 is approaching and I feel like
I need to understand why things happened.  Maybe
it can help me figure out who I am and what my purposes is.
If nothing else, maybe I'll just learn about about astrology.
Or it will pass and I will put on the back burner like so
many other things.

Either way, I'll enjoy what I discover for now.

Worth It!!!

I've probably pushed my limits the last couple of weeks.
Helping move one of the sections of that tree that fell last year.
Peopling...

I've been fighting off a flare, I can feel it.

Last night I peopled again.....
40,000+ peoples!!!!

But OMFG it was totally worth it.
It was worth hiking the bleachers to Row N.
Even though I was scare shit (I don't do heights!!)
I was worth the trek back down
After 3 freaking hours of

GARTH FREAKIN' BROOKS!

I swear, if you would have told me 20 some odd years ago
that I'd see him live....I would have told you that you were fucking crazy.
No way in a million years would that happen.
But the million years came early and I saw him last night.

My body aches.
I'm bloody fucking exhausted.
We eventually made it home about 3 AM.
My throat feels a bit raw from all the screaming, hootin' and hollerin'.

BUT....it was fucking worth it.

He sang old songs, new songs, Bob Seager song.
He said they were off set list by about the third song in.
It was amazing.
One of the best concerts I've been to.

It was a memorable night.
Please brain....don't forget this one so easily, yeah.

Busy Busy Busy

It's a hot one today. But at least it isn't as hot as it was originally forecasted a few days ago.

On Facebook, I saw that today is 42 years ago that the Blackout of '77 happened.
I remember that night.  I was 7? 8? Maybe 7 going on 8.  Eh...anyway...lol
We were on our way home from the Mt. Carmel Feast in Williamsburg.  We had just
crossed the street.  Mom and aunt were talking, my aunt was pushing my one cousin
in his stroller. While me and my other cousin were walking slightly ahead of them when
the street light went out.  And then all the lights went out!  We got to the building my aunt
lived in. At first everyone thought it was temporary and that it would come back on soon.
Then her landlady started dishing up her ice cream to us kids because it was melting.
My dad and my uncle were off crabbing and fishing in Rockaway and we had no way to
reach them.  I don't remember us going home, but I know we did and it was hot.
Now, I see that NYC is experiencing a blackout!!!  How crazy!  Hopefully it won't last as
long as the one in '77.

I finally made it over to the court house to make some inquiries.  I came home with my
blank petitions for name change and request for a waiver of the fees.  The waiver has to be
approved by a judge.  It has as many questions on it as if you were applying for a loan or credit.
I have to fill all the stuff out and make umpteen copies of them.  I don't know how to handle it though.  I'd like to be sure I have enough in case I don't get approved for the waiver. I don't want to
get the ball rolling only to have that denied.  So I don't know how that would work.  But at least I have all the stuff!!!

Also picked up my passport card renewal form and got all those questions answered too.
So, I checked some things off the To Do List!!

No matter what I do, I will probably wait until Mercury goes direct.
That is what one does when court stuff is involved, right?
Don't do anything requiring signing legal documents or what have you?
I think I read that somewhere but I haven't heard anything about it this retrograde.
Either way, it'll probably take me that long to get stuff filled out and copied.

It was a busy week for us.
One of the puppers had to have more or less emergency dental stuff done and
ended up with 15 teeth pulled.  But my goodness...what a trooper he is.  He's done so
well and we're so proud of him.
Mom's had PT and dr's appointments this week.
There was some shopping to be done.
Another PT appointment.
Now one of the cats appears to have worms but we don't know which one.
Only one possibility really, but we got stuff for ALL the cats.
Seven!
The liquid stuff was pretty easy.
But pilling these guys was no picnic.  And we still have 2 to pill yet.
The stuff they gave us works pretty good and fast so, I think we'll be fine.

Next week is about as busy.
More PT for her knee.
Stickers goes back for a recheck on that eye of his.
It's better but not.  We'll find out were that stands on Wednesday.
Then Saturday is Garth Brooks!!  WOOT WOOT!!!

We'll get a breather in there somewhere lol

Oh Hey, It's Only Been A Month

To the day even.
Wow! 
I didn't intend to not post for this long.
Life just got crazy.
Surprise, surprise.

June seemed a crazy month.
It was hot then cool then hot then cool.
At one point, we even had to turn the heaters back on!!
It got that cool.
One day, you're in shorts and a t-shirt, the next day you're
breaking out the sweatshirt and jeans again.

We lost our oldest cat.  She just turned 16 a few months ago.
She was a diabetic cat.
We think she went into renal failure and quite suddenly. 
She was fine one day and declined fast the next.
She made it through the night, and we thought she was improving
and maybe it wasn't renal failure after all. But the next morning
she started having seizures and we were able to rush her in. The only
thing the vet could do was help her cross the rainbow bridge.

Then our stray came back around and his eye was a mess.  We put
some salve in it but he didn't like that so he disappeared again for a couple
day.  When he came back around the eye was worse.  So, after two days
of trying for an appointment, finally got him seen.  The boy certainly
likes to live up to his name....Stickers.  He had a giant fox tail in his eye.
So we've had to keep him in a room in the house and give him
antibiotics.  He's on his second bottle. And goes back again in ten days
to see if he can keep the eye.  He's the sweetest thing.  No way he's feral
as we first thought when he showed up the first time over 3 years ago.
I wish we could keep him in, but our boy is an ass about stuff like that
so it might not go well. Can't say how the girls would be.  Let's hope he
can keep the eye.  Just to have him seen, the fox tail removed,
vaccinations, and 2 weeks of meds, oh and a dewormer pill...$125!!
The most expensive thing after the visit is the meds. 

I made some art for the first time in a good couple of months.
I made a piece from a class by Denise Daffara.
It was really fun to do. I thought I messed it up a few times in the face.
But it turned out okay.  Except I think I made the cheeks too dark, but I
can't fix that or I'll put a hole in the paper.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, I ended up painting in a rune symbol on her
face.  That turned out to resemble Algiz.

I'm still dwelling a lot on what is sacred to me.  Where my path lies and all
that stuff.  Of course, Mary and the Magdalene, Brigid and Cerridwen,
Rhiannon, they all call to me in different ways.  The class was called
"Priestess on My Page".  And while I don't know who if any my painting
represents.  The rune seems fitting. 

It is a symbol of the Valkyrie.  Something that fascinates me.
It is a symbol of protection, blending self with nature, divine guidance.
Also symbolizes a connections with the gods, shield, awakening.
In another reference, it symbolizes the Elk and also the  Reed.
The Reed, also happens to be my Celtic Tree astrology symbol!!
I feel like there might some messages coming through here. 
Must.Pay.Attention.

100 Days Project is almost at an end.  I only missed one day.
I'm not happy that I missed one, but shit happens. I'll be making it up and
therefore will finish a day late.
I'm just proud of myself for sticking with something for 100 days!

It's another round of Camp NaNoWriMo.  I've committed to 15,500
words this month. I've actually got a story idea that I might be able
to work through and it might even be able to connect with my original
idea from oh so long ago.  There's definitely possibilities at least.

Hope all is well with everyone.