One More Day...

By this time tomorrow, I will be in Idaho. I'm so nervous!! I don't care to fly alone, I've only done that twice....but do it I will. I'm also excited and happy, anxious, scared...yes...one day left and I'm still all of those things. It has yet to feel real...It's almost like I'm on the outside watching it all take place.

I am looking forward to seeing my Beloved again. It's been far too long that I haven't seen him. I think that is what I am most nervous about. I was very nervous the first time...and I am just as nervous now. But it's also the part I am most happy about, is seeing him again.

I know you are all wondering too...Did she tell the Ogre? Yes, he has been informed. I did not get the screaming at I was expecting...which has shocked me!!! And makes me very suspicious and apprehensive. He asked me if I was sure. Even offered to drive me to the airport. I told him it's all been arranged that it wasn't necessary. I have a sneaking suspicion that he was sort of expecting it. I'm not sure how. The girls have assured me they told him nothing. Something just seems to unsettle me about it...so I won't be resting easy until I'm on my way.

It will probably be Friday before I have my computer. I will try to check in after I'm settled from my laptop...but if not it will definitely be by the weekend.

I fully believe that the thoughts and wishes and prayers if you will that you have sent my way as it led up to the moment of telling the Ogre is what made a difference...And for that I thank you all. May the Goddess Bless you all!

5 Days Left

I'm a bundle of nerves, I feel anxious. I just want to be there already so that waiting is over. So that I can know that the hurdle of leaving doing so safely is done.

I haven't told the Ogre yet. I know...probably not a good thing. BUT...when the fuck do you tell somebody? Especially one you have no fucking idea what they will do?! It is making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I keep thinking, maybe just treat it like a band aid and say it. I wanted to wait until my big girl got back from her trip. She is now back safe and sound.

So, I have to do it in the next couple of days. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. But I'm scared shitless! The last time I attempted to tell him I was rooted to the floor with fear of doing it. I've had a few say I should just tell him from the airport. Or tell him the morning I'm leaving. But then I consider the people that may encounter him on the road...and don't want them to suffer on account of me if the Ogre is raging down the highway.

I am trying to believe he won't do anything that would cause him to lose the girls or his job. But as I may have mentioned, I don't feel like I know him at all so therefore I don't know what he might do. Part of me thinks he has some sort of idea...but I don't know how he might know, unless someone spilled the beans or hinted to him.

But I have to tell the Ogre this weekend....since I leave Tuesday....
I'm just a bundle of mixed up emotions.........I am really struggling with the fear of telling him. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I know that sleeping will be more difficult after I tell him. And Monday night...who knows if I will get any at all! I hope once this parts over, and I'm there I can relax and hopefully get some much needed sleep.

Hopefully I will survive telling the Ogre and make to Idaho safely and then I can blog from there.

I Apparently Cannot Count, Today Makes 11 Days

Or perhaps, it's that I just wish I was there already? Maybe both? Yesterday was 12, to day is 11 days until I leave. I still have the box dilemma, and the scrap book dilemma. I think I might just ship them. I don't really see a choice. I think my biggest thing is my books that I want really. Some are new, some are used. Yes most or all can be replaced. But it still ends up cheaper to ship them media rate than to try to replace them all. Especially my Eragon series which are first editions. (For whatever reason...it's a big deal to me. Almost all my Harry Potters are first too, but I am leaving those with my oldest. I think) Then there's my 50th Anniversary collector's edition of the "Lord of the Rings". Yes it was a gift from the Ogre...but it's Tolkien damn it! And my "Mists of Avalon" series. Then my herb books....FUCK there's got to be an easier way.

In total I think it's about 9 or 10 small boxes. I mean smallest is 9"x8.5"x5" and largest is 16"x10"x12". The others are assorted sizes in between. And I still need a box to put my Great Grandma's 3 little crystal sherry glasses in (I think that's what they are) and my Grandma's very old kissing Mr and Mrs Claus. I'd love to take her nativity statues but they are so old and fragile they won't make it. I'm not even sure the Mr. and Mrs. will :( as they are probably just as old. Maybe I should just leave them here?

And that's not counting my PC and monitor that I'll be shipping as well. Right now it's a toss up between UPS and FedEx. But hell if I can get a good gauge on price. If I go through the company sites I get one price. If I go through a price comparison site, I get totally different prices. UGH!!!!!!!!! I honestly don't know which one I should go through if the price is close. FedEx shows it can get it there in like 4 days (ship Tuesday, arrives Friday). UPS looks like they may have a 3 day, which would get it there by Thursday.

Now some maybe thinking, what's the big deal on when it arrives. Well see, I'm a gamer, sort of. I play MMOs and I'm am an important part of a team in one of these games and there's no one that can replace me. And I don't want us missing more than we have to. Yes I care about the people I play with, so I don't want to disrupt our schedule too much for too long. Plus, it has a lot of my important shit on it too. So, yes getting it to me as quick as possible is priority.

All this part here...to get around, to get things done and I have no one to turn to save one person...Just makes me realize how isolated I've been. When the only people you know are the people he knows...and you know that they won't believe you or help you...It really sucks. I'm just grateful to my only friend here for doing what she can, when she's able to. It really means a lot to me.

12 Days and Counting

Well, I leave in 12 days. WOAH! I gotta tell ya my mind won't stay quiet. I constantly feel like I'll forget something important, or just forget something in general. There are some things my grandma left me I wish I could take, but it's just not possible. But it will be here for the girls. So in the end I guess it's all good.

I was going to tell the Ogre over the weekend and I was so terrified, I was getting sick to my stomach. I don't think the girls want to be in the room when I do it. And that makes me uneasy. After talking it over a bit with my Beloved, it was decided that I'd wait a few more days to tell the Ogre. The thought of having to put up with whatever shit he might throw my way for 2 weeks didn't seem logical.

So now the choice comes down to do I tell him this weekend OR wait till my oldest comes home from her trip? She returns on Wednesday. So do I tell him Thursday? Do I tell him the weekend before I leave? I've come close to slipping now a couple times. My biggest fear is what he will do. I can't help worrying that he will either do something to me or some how keep me from leaving. And yes, I could very well be overreacting and he might do nothing at all.

It all just makes me very scared and nervous. It gets me to the point of being sick to my stomach. This part really sucks! I don't like feeling like this.

Randomness...

18 days to left until I leave. Still planning/contemplating telling the Ogre this weekend. My oldest asked I would please wait until after they went to that super center place that has all the shit you need. She wants to make sure she gets stuff for her trip on Tuesday before I tell him. Fair enough, I suppose.

Still playing phone tag again this week with Miss Helpful. It sucks! I understand she is very busy. It tough because there's only 2 advocates in the office. And ironically Miss Bitchy is the one that always answers the phone. I know she probably recognizes my voice by now and I often wonder if she just doesn't send me straight to voicemail. I will try again on Monday.

Tuesday my oldest leaves for week visit to Texas to see her girlfriend. I must admit, I'm rather surprised she is getting to go. I, we thought he would continue to make excuses for her not to go. He doesn't accept her choice. (She came out to us on Christmas day.) I'm very supportive, I love my child and her choice doesn't change who she is. "HE" on the other hand has issues and is in denial. I think it was her girlfriend's parents offering to buy the ticket that got to "HIM" though. Even though we can't afford to send her. I don't know how the fuck "HE" is doing this but...she's going and thrilled. So I'm happy for her.

Tuesday will also mark 2 weeks until I leave. I'm feeling a bit scatter brained at the moment. Trying to decide still what needs to go now, what can I do with out. How will I get said boxes to be shipped? Still contemplating how to get my 2 scrapbooks there.

RIP "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I remember watching him as he went up against the likes of Hulk Hogan, Ricky Steamboat, etc. Back in the day when wrestling was wrestling...I was a fan of it. I remember meeting Ivan Putski and Ted DiBiase (I touched his hand, I was 12 and had a HUGE crush!!!) I hope his wife has a swift recovery.

And the rapture nonsense (SIGH!). Enough already? I dunno. I mean people are doing stupid shit like quitting their jobs, spending their life savings....It's madness. Now the only thing I can say is back from when I was in church, one thing that was always preached is nobody knows when this shit will go down. And I'm sorry but I clearly remember them teaching that after the rapture it's supposed to be 7 years not 5 months. And if this dumb ass old fart is gonna make such claims....why the fuck is the rest of the shit that supposedly leads up to this going on? Oh yea cuz he's full of shit? What's he gonna say when 6 rolls around and nothing happens? "Oops, I screwed up again?" People People....if you want to believe in it that's fine and dandy...but don't go doing stupid shit like quitting your job, spending your last dime, etc. I wasn't gonna talk about it but "HE" has brought it up a couple times in the last couple days. And I don't know why. LOL

On Writing...

My mind has be wandering back to writing a lot lately. I haven't had anything specific jump out, not really except the image of a very haggard looking soul. Not quite sure yet where this potential character might fit in to my work in progress (that's been sitting for almost 4 years) or something new. But the thought of possibly being able to write again makes me smile. However, while I am hoping at some point to be able to focus on my fiction writing, I have have been pondering to perhaps dabble in some non-fiction.

My thinking is to possible get set up and write some articles for one of the online sites. Examiner has been suggested to me. I have been checking into SEED.com which is owned by AOL. I've also consider possibly Associated Content and then I kinda get stuck. I don't want to tie myself to one source if I do this. I want to have options. So my question is to those of you that write...Which sites are you familiar with? Have you worked with? Pros/cons of the sites? What about print or e-zines, any that you would recommend as good starter places to look at?

I have some thoughts on what I might try to write about article-wise that I might want to offer a print or e-zine. I know with some of the places like SEED, you select a topic they offer and write on it. Now I know this isn't going to be a money maker, sell the farm and retire way to make money...but it will be something if I can get accepted and published. It would be a good way to fill in the gaps and make a few dollars while I try to secure a job. It's a thought. So any suggestions, advice, etc...would be welcomed and appreciated.

I would also prefer to use my maiden name instead of my married name. Is that even a possibility? I mean it is my name after all. I don't want to use my married name if I can avoid it that would be awesome. Or is possible to use a pen name for these things? Suggestions? Advice?

Oh and I leave in 19 days :D Had to throw that in there.

20 and counting!

SO! As of yesterday, I leave in OMG! 3 weeks!! I can't begin to express exactly how I feel because I feel like a bunch of different things at once. I'm sure I've said it here more than once the last couple of posts. I am happy, scared, excited, nervous.

Sad too, because I will miss my girls. I love them both so much. They are the only real good that came out of this. I need them to understand that I need to do this. I need to be happy. I need to be me. They both know I'm not happy here, and haven't been for quite sometime now. It's not because of them. It's because of "HIM", their dad. And I just can't live with him anymore.

Just a couple of weeks ago, he tried to 'talk me into' his idea to set appointments and give directions from home for a doctor friend. He hadn't even discussed it with the guy! He said it was because he wanted to see if I was interested first. I'm not interested in the idea and I really think it is better suited for someone that is actually familiar with a medical practice. But that's just my opinion. Now if he says I can still do it even if I'm 2200 miles away...I might reconsider it.

I'm trying this "roll and ziplock" pack method. I'm not really seeing a big difference in the bag before and after. I thought this might allot me a tad bit of room in the bag to maybe I don't know get one more ziplock in it perhaps. In someways I feel like I'm trying to take too much, thinking this or that can be replaced. But at the same time, I don't want to have to replace things unnecessarily. Some things I just don't want to leave behind. I would love to take all my writing magazines, but that's impossible. I've narrowed down the books I wanted for sure and have them packed. It seems like some of the other 'want to keeps' should go flat rate box. It appears it would be cheaper that way, than for the same size box to go regular mail cost almost twice as much.

I know I could leave some boxes and have them sent after I'm there. But I fully believe the Ogre wouldn't take the girls to the Post Office to mail them. Yes I could ask my friend to do it too I suppose. But the truth is, I don't want to trouble or burden anyone to get my shit to me. And I really hoped to take some of my yarns with me, since at 4.50-5.00 bucks a skein, I REALLY don't want to have to be replacing them. I'll figure it out. (hopefully:D)

I am planning to tell "HIM" next week before my oldest leaves for her week trip to Texas. I figured he'd be less likely to have too much of an outburst if they are both here. Not that it's stopped him before though. I'm hoping though that he will want to continue to 'look like the good guy' and not tell me to get out then and there. I'm also hoping that with him always saying behind my back that he knows I'm not happy and that if I am so unhappy I can leave and he wouldn't stop me...that he won't cause a scene either. Just please keep me in your thoughts as I head towards this moment of telling him. I'll need all the strength, love, and happy-good thoughts, vibes you all can send my way.