Where Oh Where Has The Year Gone?

 Can hardly believe we are almost to the end of 2020!

A year that seemingly started out for most of us with great hope,
only to turn into what has felt the LONGEST YEAR ever!

This year has looked and felt so different than other years.
Covid has certainly touched our lives in more ways that we care to count.

And with people being so selfish, I don't see how one can be hopeful
that there could ever be an end to this.

Our holidays were quieter. Smaller.
We opted not to gather for Thanksgiving.
And Christmas was definitely off the table.
Especially after someone near and dear to the fam lost her own
mother to this wretched virus. That was the seal of fate for our
decision.

I think this year has left me shocked and speechless more than I can 
ever remember.  With peoples attitudes, the virus, politics.
The ugly really came out in people.

I've sat and wondered what my Babci would have thought about it all.
The country she loved so much and fought so hard to return to.  The 
country she wanted her boys to grow up in, live in, and love.  They didn't
get to grow up here, but they did live here.  Love it?  I honestly don't know.
But I can almost certainly say that this is not the place she called home.
This is not the country she loved so dearly.  I'm not sure she would 
recognize it now.  I know I don't!

Here's hoping though, that 2021 will be a better year for all of us.

Still Playing The Waiting Game

Thanksgiving was quiet.
No big fan-fare, no family gathering.

The question came up of what about Christmas?
My thoughts (sometimes out loud) were that this shouldn't even be a question!
If we in essence cancelled Thanksgiving, and numbers are expected to 
surge because of those that refused to stay home....then um yeah 
Christmas is off the table!
Maybe I have been too vocal about it. Not wanting us to gather.
But when you have immunocompromised people and people of a certain age
well..........you know, I just had to say something.  Maybe too much.
But I just don't think it should have been a question of should we or not.
We're NOT...so that's that.

As to the problem I've been having.
Well, it's still a shit show.
Going on almost two months and no one can seem to straighten this shit out.

They keep denying my existing claims. Saying I have a third party primary 
insurer. Which I DO NOT have!  I've gone through the "proper" channels
several times now.  And they still can't get their shit together.

I was told to call the company in question and ask them to cancel the policy 
they supposedly have in my name.  BUT, here's the thing...There is no policy to
cancel because there is no premium being paid.  AND here's the kicker, the
company they are claiming is my other insurance isn't even an insurance company!!!

So how can I call a company to cancel something they don't even offer and
without a policy or ID number.  I honestly don't know what else to do!

I'm concerned though too that even if when this gets sorted out that things will be
delayed even more because Covid numbers here are on the rise.  Hospitals are
getting stressed.  One hospital chain here is sending people home with a pulse ox
meter, a blood pressure cuff, and an Ipad with an ICU Doctor assigned to their case to
monitor their condition from home in order to try to keep beds available for the worst cases.
AND People don't want to wear a fucking mask.  Because "OMGAWD MY FREEDOMS!"

I've lost a cousin to this shit.
I've several friends who have had it and recovered.  One is having residual side effects though.
And now, we know someone who was just admitted to the ICU and looking at being 
placed on a vent because her oxygen levels are so low.  
A friend of "Mom's" just came home from the hospital on oxygen after being in for a few 
days with a positive diagnosis.  She had blood clots in her lungs from Covid

JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!
Yes it can be uncomfortable. Yes it can be annoying.
But it is better than getting sick or getting a loved one sick.
It's better than you or some one you love dying.
WEAR THE FUCKING MASK!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Always Something & Happy Halloween

 So first let me say Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain.

This is my pumpkin this year.  I had no plans to do one. We didn't go pick any. But one was

bought for me to do.  I had no idea what to carve.  This sort of morphed from the eyes which 

were sort of natural upside down v's in the skin and I just went from there. No pre drawing or 

anything.  I kinda like how it turned out.

Nothing about this year feels right. None of the holidays we've had so far.  Not my birthday that

was 3 days ago.  Not the upcoming holidays.  Not even today.  It just doesn't feel like Halloween.

Just like it didn't feel like my birthday.  It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving is coming. Everything just

feels.........BLAH!

In the it's always something category:

So.... As I have written in the previous posts, my doctor and I have decided that surgery is the 

best solution to what I have going on. With the adenomyosis, the likelihood is high that I also 

have endometriosis.  I do have symptoms of it.  Being that I just turned 51, he figures I have about

a "year's shelf life left" on the ovaries and thinks it best to just take them now.  With the chances of

there being endo, he feels that I could have that reoccur if they stay since they produce the "fertilizer" that makes it (the endo) grow.  

All was going right along at my pre op appointment until the moment the nurse said "BUT".  There's no date set yet because there is a snafu with my insurance.  The insurance is claiming that there is a third party insurer on there that is primary even though everything on my stuff says that my insurance provider is my primary. I've tried twice now to get this other company removed and the dispute department doesn't see it or understand why/how it is there.  PLUS when I call H&W, they don't see it either (or so they say). But when my doctor tries to run my claims, they get denied.

SIGH!

This means everything is on hold until H&W sorts this shit out.  

And what really sucks is that I can't just go into an office to get help with this to show them what 

the doctor's office gave me so that maybe we can figure out what's wrong.

Rona has just fucked up so much shit.  

Part of me started thinking the maybe this was a sign that I made the wrong choice.

But when I have pain every day.  And even though it's not such major pain that disrupts my day to day,

I do know that at some point it will get worse and then it will be disruptive.

Honestly though, I am terrified.

Scared to get the surgery.

Scared to not get it.

Scared I won't wake up.

Scared that I will have post op complications.

Scared that surgical menopause will make a raging bitch.

Scared that this won't get sorted out with the insurance and then I have to figure out how to

pay for medical bills that are at $4000+ and counting.  Plus how to pay for the medication

I will need for the rest of my life.  (Thanks thyroid)

I've been sitting on all of this for almost two weeks now.

I'm a mess. My anxiety is through the damn roof.

Every thing feels all so doom and gloom.

Then we have the election next week and that isn't helping things either.

I'm really scared of what will happen come Tuesday.

Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo.

Will be my 15th? 16th?

I lose track if I don't look at the site lol.

I want to do it, but part of me is like meh why bother.

All this feeling of doom and gloom just makes me want to crawl into a blanket fort and hide forever.

Yet if I don't try, I feel like I am missing something.

I should be in my "studio" making art and writing.

And now, even though I have a space to do it, 

I still feel paralized by the fear and you're not good enough gremlins.

Then again, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.

I'm trying to learn how to "do it anyway".  But some days...ya know.

Any way.

This is the current state of things.

Stay safe in your corner of the world. 

Blessings.

Finally, A Bit Of Good News!

 On Monday, I went back to the doctor for a follow up to my biopsy the week before to get my results.

The good news is.........THE BIOPSY WAS CLEAN!!!  Nothing was detected in any of the samples.
PHEW!!! <insert sigh of relief here>

However...
I will still need to have a hysterectomy.

Doctor said I have a very angry looking uterus.
But I didn't think to ask what exactly that meant.
He did biopsy all the angry looking areas, and those were all clear too.
Hmmph No wonder I am still hurting.  He really did poke the bear!!

He said I could try an IUD....BUT.....
Because of the adenomyosis he doesn't believe that the IUD would stay and do it's job.
He believes it would expel soon after being inserted.
I didn't want to go that route anyway because I've heard too many bad things about IUDs.

So because I basically have endometriosis IN my uterine walls, the likelihood of having it 
outside as well is a very good possibility.  And every cycle they bleed because they don't know better.
Which explains painful and heavy cycles.

The question becomes now do I take out or leave the ovaries in.
As it stands, if he sees they need to be taken he will do so.  I have until mid October to decide if I just
want to say "fuck it, take them".

IF I were to leave them, there is a 65% chance of needing a second surgery to remove them after all.
A 30% chance of recurring pain, or remaining in pain as I am now.
Taking them right off, reduces a second surgery to a 30% chance. And pain to 4%.

I think I know what I'm going to do.
I think I know what I want to do.
But I worry if it's the right decision.

I've only done a little research right now.
I was immediately getting overwhelmed.
Of course many of the things I found were all OMGDOOM!DONTTAKETHEOVARIES!!!
Nevermind what mine are doing to me right?
At the same time I was finding similar things to just having a hysterectomy.

Oddly though, I couldn't seem to find much by way of more recent articles, or things about my particular age group.  Most of these were about women 45 and under.

I think I will just sit with it all this week and try to relax.
And Breathe!
Then next week I can try to do some research.   I have some time yet.

It's Been A Painful Week

 This week has just been painful....no two ways about it.
I wasn't expecting to hurt this long.  But here we are.

Yesterday I was outside with the little monster while she tossed around the dog's toy.
Girl's got a wild pitch and accidently hit me right where the doctor poked the bear.
HOLY FUCK! Did that hurt!!!
We think I'm bruised there now on top of the poked bear spot.  So double the fun...NOT!

But aside from that yesterday just sucked balls.
Screw everything else that's happened...which also sucks in a major way.
But...Fred.
Oh Fred. *sob*

He was fine in the morning. Mom said he even ate all his breakfast.  I let him out at 8:30 AM
and he was fine.  Even came back without being called. 
By the afternoon though, something was terribly wrong.
Sister and the kids came over and he didn't get up. He didn't bark.
Which is SO NOT FRED! 
I tried but he wouldn't get up.  Beloved tried and he wouldn't get up. So Beloved helped up and
poor baby cried. I managed to coax him half way to the door and he laid down again.
We thought it was his back because he's a long dog.  Long dogs as they get older get back problems.
Sister looked in his mouth and his gums were white.
He was going into shock and we didn't know why.

Sister and Mom scooped him up and jumped in the car, rushing him to the vet.
After determining he didn't get into any kind of poison the vet did an ultrasound.
It turns out, his spleen ruptured and he was bleeding internally.  It was a cancer we had no
idea he even had because he had been fine.  He was always just being Fred.
Even if they did surgery, he would have had to have chemo.  At best he would have had six 
more months after that and it would be a painful six months.

Mom made the heart breaking decision to let him go with dignity and spare him more pain.

We are all just heart broken. We have 4 other dogs, but the house is just too quiet without Fred.
No clippity cloppity on the floor from him walking.  No woo wooing when he'd talk to you.
It sucks!  I want my Fred back!! Fuck Cancer!!!!!

He just turned 9 last month.  We were supposed to have a few more years with him.
Vet said he is seeing more and more of this kind of cancer in dogs.  And it's the worst kind because you don't know about it until it's too late.  Did I mention FUCK CANCER?!

The Day After

 So.........Biopies............

SUCK Donkey wang!!

Ouch!!!!

It was painful in ways I didn't expect.
I came home and pretty much slept the rest of the day and night away.

I still could, if I let myself.
So tired.

And sore, achy.
My back.  But I don't know if that the procedure or fibro or both.
My right side is very twitchy.  I know THAT is from the procedure.
It was touchy before, now it's just pissed lol.

I go back on Monday for the results of what was done.
The one thing he did say though was I would probably be losing an ovary in the process.

The initial goal was to leave them.
So we shall see.

Today was the first day that the top number of my BP was low.
I think it was 119/90.  I know the bottom is still high.

Having bouts of nausea but I can eat and keep food down.
So I am guessing it's just me coming off the one medication.

I dunno maybe I'm just a wimp.

I've been really struggling to do that assignment the doctor gave me.
Hard to find anything I like or love about myself.

And The Results Are In

 So................

Labs are back.
And for the most part things looked good.

Cholesterol is a little high.  They want me to try diet first.
I'm Hypothyroid.  Going to address that with medication.
Estrogen dominant.  TBD.  They said meds, but that might be on hold.

I did tell you I was diagnosed with Fibro, I think.

White Coat Syndrome is in full swing and I can't get down.
It is a little better than it was at the office, but not where I'd like it.

But I'm a jumbled mess.
I'm a nervous wreck.

Tomorrow they are doing a biopsy.
He's sure that it's horses and not zebras we're hearing.
I am sure too.  BUT...that doesn't make me any less nervous.
Even now that I know more or less what he's going to do.

I have polyps and adenomyosis.
Possible endo.  

I have three different meds to take tomorrow to make me loopy.
I've never taken any of these before.  So interesting stuff....maybe.

The results will be back in a week.  So I go back then for the low down.

Then we pick a date...I guess...I dunno.
We're taking it out.  
Guess that's going to be my birthday present.  I figure it will happen some
time in October.

And here's a thing.
He...the doctor...doesn't know my story.
But......he could tell I've been through some shit in my life.
He noticed I struggle with making decisions even after I've made one.  
He could tell that I was wavering, doubting myself.
He asked me why...so I gave him the cliff notes version.

He told me that I was capable and smart.
Then he gave me homework.
I'm to write down 3 things I like about myself every night for 30 days.
So far....I have zero.   *sigh*
At the end of this assignment, I'll have 90 things and then I'm to pick
the top 15. These he said are my core values and to guard them with my life.

It's to help me learn what I love about myself and to learn HOW to love myself.

Just if you could send some calming vibes, some strength too maybe....
I'd really appreciate it.  

Happy September!

 Rabbit, Rabbit as they say.

Here's hoping September is a little more kind to all of us.

Finally went to the doctor's appointment that I have been putting off for several months now.  I waited until the last possible moment to go....well basically because my experience has been that the doctor was dismissive of my complaints.

So now that I was able to finally switch doctors. AND...now that I absolutely had to go in.  
And today was that day.
A doctor who listened.  Who did not dismiss what I said. Who is open minded.

After a one hour visit and EIGHT!!!! vials of blood later...............
I left knowing that yes I do have fibro. 
I left knowing I can't take my prescription that was controlling my monthly and the polyps.
Diagnosed also with migraines and those with aura...hence the call to stop my prescription.

He is testing me for everything and anything.
Hormones, Thyroid, Blood Sugar, Sjogren's, Lupus, and I don't know what all else.  Just
a lot of STUFFS!  He  basically also wants to see if I have just fibro or fibro and ????? whatever else may be.  He said sometimes it is a stand alone thing and sometime it isn't.  But the only way to know for sure is lab work.
There's an ultrasound scheduled and more than likely a biopsy too.  Just to rule out things.
I'm not thrilled about the biopsy stuff. I'd rather avoid it if I could.  But he thinks it's in my interest to have it and rule other things out.   He's encouraging that I do this because I am now a woman of a "certain age" as they say.  And I'm in that window of where things go stupid.

After all that, even though I have now eaten....I feel drained.  I could take a nap I think but it won't make me feel better so I'll ho-hum through the afternoon.  Maybe I'll have some coffee.  I only had a half cup this morning.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment I can't really process or remember everything.

Happy World Photography Day!

   

I had heard it was coming around, but I had no idea it's be celebrated since 1839!!!

That's a REALLY long time!

I've been trying to motivate myself to work more with my camera.
Trying to keep up with a weekly challenge.
I suck at the daily ones.
I'm not doing so hot with the weekly one either.  Not consistent.  
Story of my life I suppose.

Just like with my art.
So much inconsistency.
One would think with my not being to go anywhere much of the time,
that I'd be flinging paint like a mad woman.
But I still feel so paralyzed by guilt and fear.

I had planed to share a few of my nature shots with you all. 
But I was blessed with new computer guts and well all those are on the old
hard drive, which even though is installed in my tower.  A) I don't know if it's
connected. and B) If it is, I can't figure out how to access it.
And the week long migraine I've had, has had me not very interested in figuring it out.

Thus the reason for the recent radio silence.
It's better, but not completely gone.
It seems to be hanging out in my neck. Which is making sitting at my PC a little uncomfortable.

When I am feeling more myself, I will definitely get a few pictures up.

Between the heat, the smoke, and the migraine I've just not felt like fiddling with things that
require me to be some what technical or to pay attention.  My focus hasn't been there much either.

If you haven't heard, the PNW and California and Nevada are on fire again this year. 
We have at least 4 that are 29-40 miles from us.  There's one that is 1.5 hours from here.  If you look
at the fire map, it's just flame dots everywhere from the coast to Colorado basically.  So the smoke the last couple to three/four days has been increasing.  Some times it literally smells like your in the middle of a camp fire.  None are a threat to us physically.  But it makes the air just plain gross.

In the mean time, I'll leave with the slightly dated photo of my baby boy who just turned 9 years old a couple of weeks ago.  He's an ass, but he's my ass.

 

A Little Lighter Faire Today

I wanted to come in today with something a little lighter.
Something less doom and gloom, and OMGTHESKYISFALLING!

We have garden this year.  Which is making me all kinds of
happy and YAY Fresh veggies that I grew!
Everything is from seed, that I started.
"Mom" helped getting some of them going a couple months ago
when we hatched this plan.  We had a seed planting day.
Well I had more than one but that only because I had to acquire more
seeds.

There doesn't seem to me a whole lot of things I've done right.
But I feel like this is something I can do.
It's becoming one of my happy places.
I don't do outside much...
Because...Well BUGS!  Ew! 
And wasps...a whole lotta NOPE right there.
I'm learning to be a peace with the honey bees that visit.

So I thought I'd share some pictures of my happy place.
In another post I will share some of my garden friends.

Tomato "cage"
 3 varieties!
Kohlrabi to the left. 
Brussels in the square.

Another view of the tomatoes.
And the Garden Bed. Which has Brussels, Zucchini
and Cucumber. Also holding a pot of peppers and rogue tomato.
In the white plant boxes: Eggplant, Spring Onion, Heirloom Lettuce.

In this box are Early Girls, but they are
having a bit of  slow start.

Top Left: PEAS!  since been harvested and eaten. and some
struggling to get going Patty Pan.
Top Right: Cherry tomatoes in the red box.  Broccoli, Brussels,
and seeds for Bush Beans and Beets (they are now growing)
Bottom Left: The bed before I planted stuff.
Bottom Center: Kohlrabi
Bottom Right: Earlier photo of the Tomatoes 

How Is August Already?

First and foremost, Lammas Blessings dear readers and friends.
Happy August!  Rabbit, Rabbit as they say.

So much on my heart and mind
And I can't seem to find the words to make sense of it all.
I keep thinking of my Babci and man I'm grateful that she isn't
alive to see what is happening in this country.
At the same time, I feel like she must be rolling over in her grave.
I feel like I can hear her saying,
"I've been through this and it doesn't turn out well"

I shared a post on my FB about a medic who was in Portland
that got hit in the chest with a "non-lethal round" and someone
asked me if I was anti-police.
I've been trying to figure out how to even respond to that.
So far I am choosing to not engage. 
But at the same time how can someone be okay with
mercenaries shooting at and harming medics.  People who are
clearly marked as such that it's undeniable what their role is.
People who these mercenaries can clearly see are trying to help
the wounded and this....THIS IS WHAT THEY DO?

I wanted to scream at this person....these are NOT police. These
are hired hands doing some POS's dirty work.  As someone who is
friends with many retired EMS workers, how can you be okay with this?
What if that medic was one of your friends on the front lines? 

And don't get me started on the way they are attacking the press who
are on the front lines trying to report on it all.  How many have lost
an eye to these "non-lethal rounds"?

UGH!! UGH!! UGH!!
So much I want to say and express.
And I just don't know how! 
It makes me angry.
It makes my heart hurt.
It makes me feel helpless.

Then there's the people that say that wearing a mask is all part of a conspiracy.
That the virus is a hoax or just not as bad as we're told.

But I have friends who have had it and they say other wise.
That is bad. It's awful.  I have a cousin who died to it.
The Beloved has a friend who's father is in the hospital with it and it's not looking good.
The Beloved's brother was exposed. Two of his sisters have been exposed.
Thank the gods they are all okay!
His Mom's NP is in the hospital fighting for his life right now with this virus..

The state should be going back a couple stages.
Our cases and deaths are rising.
Our hospitalizations are rising.
But the governor says people's common sense will prevail so we can reopen.
When I go out, I'm surrounded by stupid.
All these people and their children that go around unmasked.
All the ones that say "PUT OUR KIDS BACK TO SCHOOL! They won't get it."
Then I see the sleep over camp in Georgia with 597 in residence and what is it now
76% tested positive?  Majority for that being 6 - 10 year olds. 

I just can't. 
It's all too much.

And I just don't see things getting better any time soon with the leadership we have.

This barely touches the surface of the jumbled mess of words that is swirling inside me.

Stay safe, wear a fucking mask. 

Another Rainy Day

Nope, not complaining either.
We can certainly use the rain.
The plants are enjoying it for sure!

The downside though is I can't get out there
and repot some of my veggie plants.

It rained so much the other day, that I was pouring
water off the pots I had out on concrete by the front door.
I still can't put them out to get more rain water because
they are all still nice and wet.

My peas are exploding in the wagon bed planter.
This makes me all kinds of happy.
I swear, every day I look at them they've grown more!

And I still have a list of seeds to direct sow into the ground yet.
Though, the problem there is....where to put them.
We have a couple of ideas.  But we have to wait until the rain
let's up some.

I have a plan to re-purpose an old propane grill into a herb box.
I need to remove the parts inside.
Remove the lava rocks.
Then give it good scrub and a coat of paint. Maybe decorate it some too.
At least that's the plan.


Since I can't get out, I'll probably binge watch some more ER today.
Heading into season 4.
I still love watching it.  I miss that show.
I've been told I need to watch Handmaid's Tale on HULU too.
But I don't know if I can bring myself to do that.

Sometimes this pandemic makes me feel like I am
stuck in a sort of limbo.
It's like I have a list of things a mile long I can do or try around here.
Art, reading, shows to watch, projects to do or try my hand at.
Yet, I can't seem to move myself to do them most days.
Sometimes I wonder what's the point. 
And other times I .....well I don't know.

Only The Good Die Young, They Say

I'm devastated.
I'm Heart broken.
I have no words.

Today Rona touched my family.
Today my 55 year old cousin died.

I haven't seen him in almost 19 years.

We weren't especially close in the way some cousins are.
Our families weren't like that.

After our grandma died, there was some fallout between our parents.
Over something stupid.
But it caused them not to speak to each other, or to us kids even.
He was the only one to continue to talk to any of us.

My fondest memory of him  will always be him trying to teach me
to play "Smoke On The Water" on the guitar.  I was maybe 4 or 5  at the time.
He showed me how to play the opening chords.

He loved music.
I know that much.

Today, is also the 5th anniversary of his father's death.
Tomorrow, marks 39 years  that our grandmother passed.

I hope both of them were there, waiting with open arms.




FUCK YOU RONA!

Is This The New Normal?

The Governor here extended out "lock down" for another 15 days until April 30th, he announced that two days ago. 

Then I see on the news sites that Michigan is bitching because they are on a "lock down" order and don't want to be.  The protesters are out there with guns and shit saying that they're quite okay with being infected or infecting others. Because the dumb asses think it's just like a flu or cold.  And it's a virus so it's supposed to spread.   (insert facepalm here)

Or just look to the Northern part of Idaho and they have a similar sentiment.  With one of the state reps going so far as to say she thinks people should be willing to infect each other just like parents do with kids and chicken pox.

I can't even find words to express how dumb shit like this pisses me off!!!


The other day, we went to go pick up a grocery order that we made online.
Can't get bananas
Can't get tomatoes
TP is still hit and miss. 

So we decided to brave another grocery store.
Donning masks and gloves, felt....well just weird!
And certainly not at all normal!!!!
Walking around the store, there were only a handful of shoppers here.
All but two people were without gloves or masks.
Everyone else was "geared up".
And everyone pretty much avoid each other as best we could.

We did manage to find tomatoes!
And paper towels!!!! even though it was only 1 package of 6 rolls per family.
No TP or Kleenex to be had here either.
Managed to find some rice, but was limited to 1 small bag.  2 pounds maybe?
And we find a few (or alot) of things we wanted. 
Outside of needing say milk, we should be okay I think for the next couple weeks.



Looking at how things are going.
State lines being somewhat closed to out of state people.
Travel bans.
Shopping limits as in how many can be in a store at one time, how long you can
be in the store in some places, how much of certain things you can buy.
It makes me wonder if this is the new state of things.
We have a leader how doesn't give a shit and many in the country like him.  Even if
it effects them negatively they still follow him blindly.  Okay well that parts not new,
but you know what I mean.
Schools have gone digital.
Movies have gone to online releases.
I can't help but wonder if this is the New Normal.

EARTHQUAKE!

So because life isn't messed up enough with a pandemic raging
through the world.
Oh no! No!

We had an earthquake today.
The first one in my life that I actually felt.

Living in Brooklyn back in the day, I never felt them.
It always felt like a truck or bus going by. Or maybe the
Subway.

The atmosphere felt different just prior, but I thought it was the weather.
It was raining on and off all day, and the wind kept coming up.

Then my desk chair started moving slightly.
When I felt the desk vibrate, I thought someone was shaking it from the other side. I was about to yell 'knock it off' when the whole house started to shake. The ceiling fan over my desk was rocking. And my chair was rolling around on the floor mat with me in it!

The air felt electric and then there was a pressure in the air that lasted a bit.  The whole event lasted a few seconds maybe, but it felt like minutes.

Turned out the earthquake was a 6.5.

I could have done without the experience.

No damage here, we are all okay.
Just a few pictures shifted on the wall.

Hoping not to feel any aftershocks.

End of the World As We Know It?

How we doing folks?
Hanging in there?
Staying safe? Six feet apart? Staying home?

We pretty much self imposed staying home about two weeks ago,
give or take a couple days.
We're considered an at risk household.  Asthma, chronic bronchitis,
diabetes.  So we're taking precautions.

Our governor finally manned up and issued the Shelter in Place order
for the state.  It is in effect for the next 21 days as of yesterday.

We need a few odds and ends.
Our most pressing need is dog and cat food, but more so the dog food.
Five dogs, two large breed, one mid, and two Wieners. 

We need some milk, creamer, ground beef, chicken, rice, and pasta.
Don't know what or if we will find anything.
But food, banking, doctor, vet, and essentials are the only thing we're allowed
to go out and travel for.

We decided it's a good time to try starting some seeds  indoors.
With all this going on, and grocers being out of goods because people are
panic buying every time the shelves are stocked. Gods forbid you need something
in your cart....I've heard the stories of people getting the stink eye because they
are buying a couple of cans.  Not cases, just cans...calm the fuck down people!

I heard another story where a lady went to a walmart and found some ground
beef.  Was going to buy six pounds of it.  Got to the check out and was told she
could only have one pound.  She told them she has a family of six to feed. How
is she supposed to feed six on one pound. They would not budge, so she bought
none.  I didn't know stores were limiting things like that.  Maybe it was a one
time/place thing. Maybe it was a mistake.  I dunno, but I didn't think we were
to the point of rationing food purchases, even though people are stupidly buying things.

So how about that stimulus check?
I probably won't see one.
I don't/can't work.
So I haven't filed taxes in 8 years.
But what if I did earn a small income?
But not enough to file taxes on?
I still wouldn't see a check.
So while it's a great plan and will help many people,
It won't help ALL the people.
It won't help people like me. It won't help the homeless.

Okay off that soap box........

I'm worried about people in my home state.
NY is getting hit so hard.  I have family there.  I have friends there.
I have friends in the Nursing field that I am worried about.
I feel helpless.  All I can do is hope they all stay safe and come out of this alive at the end.

What can I do?  I am going to help mom make masks!
We have at least one care home that can use them.  If I can catch the neighbor, I'll ask her
if her care home can use them as well. We'll also be checking which facilities have a need and
well do our best to get them there.  It's not much, but it's something.


I pray you all take precautions.
I want you all alive at the end of this thing.
Be smart! Stay safe!! Stay home!!

Crazy Times We Living Through

If you'd have told me that I would see something of this scale and magnitude in my life time
I probably would have thought you were crazy.

I mean, I've seen crazy shit like this living in the South.
OMG...hurricane coming stock up on non-perishables. 
OMG.......snow flurries in the forecast.
And you go to the store for "normal" stuff but everything like
milk, bread, and eggs are gone.
This like the South with a snow flurry forecast, but on crack!!

We had our first case announced on Friday.
Saturday, you couldn't find Milk, Eggs, Butter, Packaged deli
meats or cheese, Sausages, Kielbasa, or Brats, no hot dogs either.
Forget yougurts and OJ.
Fresh veggies were slim on some things too.
The frozen stuff was hit and miss.
No TP, hand soap or sanitizer, no bottled water.
Good luck finding Ground Beef, Chicken of any kind, or even
Pork Chops.
That was at Fred Meyer (Kroger for you Southern folk)

Went to a local owned store, it was more of the same.
But we did find milk and eggs at least.
This store does a case lot sale the first 2 weeks of March.
I think this is the first time I have ever gone where they are almost
completely out of EVERYTHING!

We figured we'd go ahead and grab what we need for the next week
or two and hunker down best we can.  Help with all that social
distancing and such.

Why is it so easy to stay home and not go anywhere when you want to?
But when it's imposed or suggested for the good of the realm, it's suddenly
the end of the world and you're stir crazy five minutes into the first day.
I'm trying hard not to over think or dwell on the doom and gloom of it all.
I feel like our so called leadership has be fucking useless in all of this crisis.
Can we please get some real adults in there to handle the situation?

I am truly amazed by all the people saying it's a hoax.
Or it's not really "That" bad.
Or thinking they are invincible and can't/won't get it.
Yet they are probably the same fuckers that are hording shit left and right.

It's just fucking crazy!
And I never thought I would see something like this in my lifetime.

All that to say, we are good for now.  Being smart, staying home.
It it my wish for you all to do the same, stay well & be safe.

Blog-A-Versary!

I just looked at my lists of posts.

And I realized that as of last week,
I've had this blog for 11 years!!
It's hard to believe that I've been blogging that long.


Some say blogging is dead.
Some say you can only blog successfully if you monetize it.

When I started all that time ago, money was never a factor.
It still isn't.

I don't know what I expected to get out of blogging.
But what I did get was some very incredible connections
who I consider friends.

I miss the early days of blogging.
Of making those connections.
Especially the new ones.
Of finding those kindreds that got you and understood you.

This space
This blog
Was
Is my sanctuary.

It is where I can brain dump
as best as I can to sort out my thoughts.

And so long as it is here
I will be here.

Thank you to all of you that follow me and read my rants and raves.
Thank  you to all of you that have commented over the years,
And to those that still do.
Thank  you to those who have become friends. ❤❤❤❤❤

The Accidental Pilgrim

WOW!  How the heck did I get here? 
I feel like I accidentally stumbled upon an internal pilgrimage.
I probably have.

It all started with a FB friend's post about a novena experience.
That led to me falling down the rabbit hole and meeting the
Blessed Mother, I think, along the way. 
It's almost like she was leaning on a fence post waiting for me to come
along the path. 

I have been seeking the Divine Feminine on and off for nearly 15 years.
I would start in earnest seeking and seeking.
Only  to get discouraged because I couldn't find what I was looking for.

Mary always seemed too taboo to me, too catholic.
I was done with Catholicism!  Nope, no thanks.
No rosary, No Hail Mary....NOPE! Not having it.

Give me Brighid, Cerridwyn, Lilith, and the like.
But even though I feel I was called by the goddess, all I heard was silence.
No direction, no epiphany, no guiding beam of light.
So maybe, I thought, maybe I imagined it all.

Then I fall down the rabbit hole.
And can you just see her.  Leaning on a fence post.  Twirling a rosary around
her finger.  I can almost imagine her chewing a piece of gum and wearing a
t-shirt and a pair of well worn jeans.  Not your usual Goddess dress or image.
She's had to adapt to the times.

I don't know what to make of this.
Is it just another random curiosity?
Or is it really a calling to seek the Divine?
I've never known how to tell the difference.
Any time I would think I was onto something,
I feel like I would be left floundering with no guide or direction.
I would end up with no answers but only more questions and frustration.

Yet I can't help but think I need to explore this road.
Because if the story my Grandmother told is true,
then without Mary's intervention
I would not be here.
I feel like I at least owe her that much.



Note: the photo I  took back in August 2016 at a Faerie Garden.

That Age Old Question

Why the hell am I here???


That's what's been going around and around in my head lately.
The short...and of course long answer is, I have no clue.


I find myself feeling guilty for not doing the things I love and that make me happy.
I find myself frustrated that I just can't up and go somewhere because I want to.
Or more simply because I can.

These are the times I truly miss living in Brooklyn.  I could just go out to the store,
or to the library, or to the City.  I could  walk where I wanted, or take the bus, or even
the train.

No don't get me wrong, living rural does have a lot of pluses!!!
And I do enjoy it immensely.   But every now and then, I get that desire to go and do
and I can't and that's when I miss the freedom of living in Brooklyn.

But it's even more than that, it's deeper.
I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and faith.
The dreaded word: PRAYER.
I have a deep love/hate with that word.   But before I go off track here.

I've been thinking a lot about the Goddesses and church, of Mary,
and of Magdalene.
I've been questioning why did I feel called by Cerridwyn so many years ago,
and Bridget too, and yet feel like I can't hear them at all, even though I am certain
they called to me near on 15 years or so ago. Give or take.

Part of me feels like I am coming back around the circle and am finding myself
drawn back to Mary.  Even more so, the Magdalene.  I just don't even know where to
begin.  I am finding myself acquiring statuettes and little busts of Mary.  I want to
make and buy rosaries.  I want to pray on the beads, but not necessarily the traditional
way of my Catholic education.

I've been struggling with this whole idea, mind you.
I mean, I walked away from being Catholic.
From Christianity.
I feel I identify more as pagan, sometimes even more a witch other times more druid.
Mostly just a seeker.

But the more I've thought about it, the more Mary is making sense of sorts.
My grandmother was deeply devoted to the Virgin Mary.  I can't say if I know for sure if
both my grandmothers were, but I do know for certain one was.
I was informed on more than one occasion that she was petitioning the Blessed Mother on
my behalf. Or she was praying the rosary for me with some intention.
I heard growing up more times than I could count how the Blessed Mother saved them during
World War II.  There was a bombing run in 1945, where she was nursing her infant
daughter on the bed when it happened.  The whole house shook when the bombs feel, hitting
a small bridge about a mile away. It shattered their  windows, yet the house stood and the glass
did not cut her or the baby even though they were laying beneath one of the windows.
I am quite sure my father survived infancy because of prayers to Mary.  It's those
same prayers that saw them acquire the required documents and later cross the ocean to
come to the states.  And I know she prayed to her when my mother was carrying me and
later giving birth.
Giving all of this a lot of thought, and even though I don't know why I am here....I am
quite sure this is part of the reason why I here. If that makes sense.

After falling down the rabbit hole today by perhaps some divine bread crumbs, I came to discover that during Vatican II, the church tried to eradicate Mary and the Rosary from the Catholicism.
They said that the Rosary was a weapon.  Now, I don't know about other Catholic churches but I do know that my childhood church did not remove or hide statues of Mary, nor did the other church we would sometimes pop into to light a candle or  two.  I am not 100% sure, but I don't think St. Patrick's in NYC did either.  I was reading that many churches either hid her or removed her from the church entirely at the behest of Vatican II.
What I also learned today was that the rosary is older than the church itself.  That it was adopted by the church when people wouldn't stop praying on their beads.  That the medal of Mary isn't actually Mary, but of a much older goddess.  And that the usually symbol on the back is that of Innana.

So maybe there is a deeper reason to why I am feeling so drawn to it all.  And I don't know what to do with it all or how to follow it.  The innuendos about my thoughts and beliefs or curiosities can quite unnerve me at times.
And so, I fall into the same trap that holds me back from creating and do the things I love.  Vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it. 

I know the short answer is to just say FUCK IT! and do it anyway.  But that guilt and fear man....I tell ya....It's a bitch!

So all this rambling...to say what?  I don't know. The post was a little clearer when I first thought about writing.  Now I think I just sound maybe like I had too much wine lol.

Oh...It's February? When Did That Happen?

I can't believe it!
We're already five days into February, and I haven't posted a damn thing since last year.


In my defense, I was sick for just about a month.
I came down with "The Plague" for lack of a better term on Christmas Eve, and was more or
less sick until about New Year's with the random symptoms lingering until about the third
week of January.  I've only been out, like to a store THREE times in the whole month of January!

The cough will still catch me at times, either first thing in the morning or when I lay down to go to bed.  It's annoying!  But nothing I'd been taking helps, not really.  So I cope.  I deal.  It usually passes after a bit and at night I take a touch of cough syrup.

We are getting a little bit of snow here today.
It probably won't last.........again.
At some point, later I think, it's supposed to switch to sleet/rain.
We were kind of bracing ourselves for a hard winter and we've been so mild.  Most days haven't
even felt like winter.  At least not what one would expect in Idaho.

I thought I would pop in and say "I'm ALIVE!!!!"

Just got a lot on my mind and trying to motivate my ass to do the things that make me happiest.