It's Always Something & Happy Halloween

 So first let me say Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain.

This is my pumpkin this year.  I had no plans to do one. We didn't go pick any. But one was

bought for me to do.  I had no idea what to carve.  This sort of morphed from the eyes which 

were sort of natural upside down v's in the skin and I just went from there. No pre drawing or 

anything.  I kinda like how it turned out.

Nothing about this year feels right. None of the holidays we've had so far.  Not my birthday that

was 3 days ago.  Not the upcoming holidays.  Not even today.  It just doesn't feel like Halloween.

Just like it didn't feel like my birthday.  It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving is coming. Everything just

feels.........BLAH!

In the it's always something category:

So.... As I have written in the previous posts, my doctor and I have decided that surgery is the 

best solution to what I have going on. With the adenomyosis, the likelihood is high that I also 

have endometriosis.  I do have symptoms of it.  Being that I just turned 51, he figures I have about

a "year's shelf life left" on the ovaries and thinks it best to just take them now.  With the chances of

there being endo, he feels that I could have that reoccur if they stay since they produce the "fertilizer" that makes it (the endo) grow.  

All was going right along at my pre op appointment until the moment the nurse said "BUT".  There's no date set yet because there is a snafu with my insurance.  The insurance is claiming that there is a third party insurer on there that is primary even though everything on my stuff says that my insurance provider is my primary. I've tried twice now to get this other company removed and the dispute department doesn't see it or understand why/how it is there.  PLUS when I call H&W, they don't see it either (or so they say). But when my doctor tries to run my claims, they get denied.

SIGH!

This means everything is on hold until H&W sorts this shit out.  

And what really sucks is that I can't just go into an office to get help with this to show them what 

the doctor's office gave me so that maybe we can figure out what's wrong.

Rona has just fucked up so much shit.  

Part of me started thinking the maybe this was a sign that I made the wrong choice.

But when I have pain every day.  And even though it's not such major pain that disrupts my day to day,

I do know that at some point it will get worse and then it will be disruptive.

Honestly though, I am terrified.

Scared to get the surgery.

Scared to not get it.

Scared I won't wake up.

Scared that I will have post op complications.

Scared that surgical menopause will make a raging bitch.

Scared that this won't get sorted out with the insurance and then I have to figure out how to

pay for medical bills that are at $4000+ and counting.  Plus how to pay for the medication

I will need for the rest of my life.  (Thanks thyroid)

I've been sitting on all of this for almost two weeks now.

I'm a mess. My anxiety is through the damn roof.

Every thing feels all so doom and gloom.

Then we have the election next week and that isn't helping things either.

I'm really scared of what will happen come Tuesday.

Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo.

Will be my 15th? 16th?

I lose track if I don't look at the site lol.

I want to do it, but part of me is like meh why bother.

All this feeling of doom and gloom just makes me want to crawl into a blanket fort and hide forever.

Yet if I don't try, I feel like I am missing something.

I should be in my "studio" making art and writing.

And now, even though I have a space to do it, 

I still feel paralized by the fear and you're not good enough gremlins.

Then again, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.

I'm trying to learn how to "do it anyway".  But some days...ya know.

Any way.

This is the current state of things.

Stay safe in your corner of the world. 

Blessings.