Farewell 2016!

In many time zones, the calendar has already flipped, the clock stuck 12 and it's 2017.  Less than an hour to go in my neck of the woods at this particular moment and I am struggling to keep my eyes open.  When did that happen?

I have no desire to watch the ball drop, or the in our case the potato drop lol.  It's too damn cold to go anywhere and it's only going to get colder.  Our new year starts off with lows in the minuses by Tuesday!  Brrrr!  Once upon a time, I didn't mind the cold so much either.  These days it just makes me all hurty and tired.

My wish for all you is health, peace, love, prosperity, and happiness.  I wish all good things for you and yours in the new year.  Stay safe, have fun.

See you in 2017!
Happy New Year!!!!

Another Year Is Almost Over

It's hard to believe that here we sit on the eve of New Year's Eve.  Even harder still to believe is that my sweet little niece turns 1 year old today!  My little lump of maple sugar is One!  The year flew by and yet...it didn't!

So much has happened in the world in the last year.  So much loss of beloved icons, so many from my childhood.  Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Florence Henderson, Carrie Fisher, just to name a few.  Then, major fandom losses such as Alan Rickman (probably best known as Professor Severus Snape) which hit me hard and Ron Glass who will forever be Shepherd Book from Firefly/Serenity to me.

Our country will soon be hanging in the delicate balance as leadership will be changing.  I don't see much how he will lead and not destroy us.  All I can do I suppose is hope for the best, prepare for the worst because I really don't know what else to do.

I sit here looking out the window, everything all covered in frost and snow.  We have a good foot or more on the ground, with more coming for sure.  We have a deep freeze coming next week where our temperatures will be in the minuses for lows, single digits for highs.  Really not looking forward to that at all.  I can't remember the last time I have been with so much snow and such cold temps.  But all we can do is make the best of it and hope we don't lose power at any time.

But for today, I will prepare to celebrate.  Celebrate life and celebrate the joy that only a baby can bring.

My Winter Wonderland View

There is something about everything being covered in ice for the first time in a season that gives me a sense of awe.  I can't help but want to capture and preserve what I see to look back on the beauty that was made by Mother Nature.  I'm sure I'll have more chances to capture frozen beauty, we're in for some pretty frigid temps in the coming week.  By next weekend we're looking at a low of -4 on one day and a high of 8 on another. This is the coldest it has been this time of year since I have been here. It keeps me indoors because I am afraid of falling and reinjuring myself on the ice covered snow.  I fell at the beginning of the year and hurt my hip and butt cheek which was a lovely shade of purple and my tailbone. I really don't want a repeat of that.  It wasn't fun.  But it's not as fun to take pictures from inside either.  Maybe I will brave the outside world yet!

Dreams and Dreaming

I'm still struggling to find my place, my voice, my identity.  But I think that is going to go on for some time yet as I work shit out in my head and in my life.  So I'm just going to go with the flow and see where it leads me.

It's the time of year where I start looking back over the last year, what I've journaled, wanted, accomplished or didn't.  There's more in the what I didn't do column than that of what I've done.  I start thinking of my word of the year.  I had picked Acceptance for 2016, I didn't manifest it the way I thought I would.  But that's okay.

My word for 2017 has found me way earlier than I expected.  I would even say that it is probably my word for the last bit of this year too.  The word DREAM has been coming at me every time I turn around. In a quote, on a shirt, as a piece of art.  It's everywhere.  And honestly, I have been afraid to let myself dream.  I am always afraid it will turn into a nightmare.  So I will face my fears and allow myself to dream and see where they take me.

And dreaming....The last week I have been having some vivid dreams, but I only seem to remember key parts of them.  Not the whole of the dream, just bits and pieces.

Last week started with a dream of getting a tattoo on my right hand, both on top and on the palm. They were very vivid faces, reminded me a bit of Picasso faces.  I remember thinking that they didn't hurt a bit, that I had been afraid to get tattoos because I thought they would hurt immensely.

Then there was the dream where I felt that I was back home in Brooklyn, everything looked different but it felt like where I grew up.  I was near Newton Creek (a waterway which separates Greenpoint from Long Island City) when a pod of black dolphins came by.  They stopped briefly before continuing on. Followed by two whales, the Orca type, that swam side by side and kept trying to come on land.

This week the oddness continues with dreaming of a very bright red Cardinal.  I haven't seen one since I left the South.  I recall being very excited to see it come and perch on a tree branch.  Even trying to get Mom's attention to see it too.  But it would hide like only I was meant to see it.
A day or so later, I dreamt of being on a beach and walking along the shore.  It occurred to me that I could touch the water, walk in it even which I missed out on when I went to the Oregon coast a few months ago. My attempt to touch the water and walk in it failed, even though it was right there and could feel the warmth of it.  The water was just out of my reach and I couldn't touch it.

Yesterday I was dreaming that I woke up and looked out the window to find it was snowing with at least an inch or two covering the ground.  When I woke up, that is exactly what was happening!  I woke up to it snowing with close to two inches on the ground!!  I never had a dream that came true like that.

I really don't know what to make of them.  A FB friend gave me some insight on the tattoo and whales.  The tattoo insight made total sense to me, the whale one left me wondering and I haven't figured it out yet.

Hope you all had a delightful Thanksgiving.  Ours was delicious and surprisingly peaceful.  I'm trying to get into the Yule/Holiday spirit but I'm just not feeling it.

Wish you all a great rest of the week!  Until next time.............

Feeling Lost

I've hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to post.  Well, I wanted to post I just didn't know about what.

But today I have been feeling lost.  It happens every now and then, it passes.  It's that feeling of not belonging.  That feeling of not knowing who you are.

I've been daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girl friend, mother, wife, and so on.  I can't remember a time when I've just been me, without labels.  The individual with a voice that is heard, that could stand her own.

I feel silent.  I see people around me that I care about getting hurt.  Not physically, but their feelings and emotions.  I want to say things, to the people causing to pain but it feels like it would change nothing and would probably cause problems.  Most of these people I only know by name, not personally so they'd probably even think "Who the hell are you? And mind your own damn business!"

And then there's the whole name thing.  It makes me feel so trapped.  Trapped in a box I can't get out of.  I want my name to be my own.  I don't want to keep carrying the name of the Ex who isn't yet an Ex because papers, money, etc.  I don't want to use the name I'm using because it's borrowed to hide me online, since at one time they (the Ex's family wanted to for lack of a better word, stalk me).  I wanted to go back to my birth name for awhile, but now I'm unsure.  It's mine but it comes with SO -- MUCH -- Baggage! People that know me from back then, see that name or hear that name and instantly it's "Oh you're HER daughter." And well of course that means I'm supposed to be just like her.  But I'm NOT!  Damn it!

While I'm at it...the longing for a place I am not sure exists.  A place called Home, but the home of my heart that seems to only exists in my dreams.  A place of belonging, of comfort.  I mean yes I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat.  But it's different when you live in someone else's home, under someone else's roof.

But this is where I am in my head today.  Feeling lost, like I don't belong.  Like I don't deserve things. It will pass, it happens.  It always does.  Maybe it's the remnants of the full moon that plagued me with headaches.  Any way, this too shall pass.

Perceptions and Thoughts

You know, I suck at coming up with titles for posts sometimes!  Especially since I know that this post will probably end up being random bunny trails of things.  But hey, that's just me.

Seven months since the last post.  Well so much for me blogging more often.  It was well intended, I swear it was.  But then, I think about blogging and I start to feel guilty.  Guilty for blogging, want to blog, the sound my keyboard makes when I type, for wanting write, for wanting my voice to be heard.  I start to think, just who the hell are you to think you should want to do this.  No one wants to hear what you have to say.  And a bunch of other negative shit.  *sigh* And so the cycle, the circle, the inner battle continues.

I even went to bed last night thinking "Yeah, tomorrow will be a new day.  New start.  I will stop hiding and stop being silent.  I will do this, that, the other thing, etc."  Then I woke up this morning, sat down with my coffee and it was "WTF do you think you're gonna do?  You can't do that.  You need to be quiet and just keep dreaming.  You can't follow dreams.  You can't talk about yourself, your life, your past.  You can't write, paint, art journal, (fill in the blank)."  So yep, new day - new battle.

I had thought that I would want to 'reveal' myself, use MY name on here instead of Ellie.  But, again that voice, that battle rose up.  You can't do that.  What if so and so finds this blog and reads it.  Do you really want people to know who you are, like for real.  I don't know why I'm so afraid. No, that's wrong.  I do know.  I'm afraid of what people would think if they knew who I was.  If people in my family or my past read this, I'm afraid of their judgement and opinions.

It's been five years since I left a narcissistic marriage.  We're still not divorced.  I don't have the money to file.  I don't know what his story is about why he hasn't filed.  We haven't spoken.  So I'm still in an identity crisis.  I use my married name for things because I have to.  (I also don't have $166 to file for at least a name change.  But if I did that, I might as well self file for divorce.  Not much of a price difference.)  I hide behind another name, my Beloved's family name on most social media because I want to avoid my ex's family.  I want to use my maiden name for art and writing, but legally I suppose I can't.  I don't know how that works.  I mean it's my name, but I can't use it if I wanted to get paid under it.  (Optimistically speaking here, if I sold something.  But that would require me to write or make art.)

I feel like the first step to finding myself and figuring shit out, is to take back my maiden name.  For a long time, (before I was married) I wanted nothing to do with my name.  I hated it.  I couldn't wait to change it.  Back then, my maiden name was synonymous with my mother.  Where I grew up, if I told you my full name and you knew my mother, it was "OH! You're HER daughter."  And suddenly, I was my mother's daughter and not in a good way.  It was assumed that because she was my mother, I was just like her. But, I'm older now and 20+ years wiser (I hope).  And I realized I am also my father's daughter.  No one ever said, "Oh, you're HIS daughter."  It's like they forgot I had a father.  But my father didn't make people dislike him.  He was more remembered as a nice guy, too bad he had a drinking problem.  Which of course was promptly blamed on my mother.  And to some extent, she problem was the cause.  But ultimately, the choice to drink was his.  I'm a product of their union, not the immaculate conception.  I cannot make people not see me as just her daughter, but that's not my problem.

So yep, still trying figure shit out.  Still trying to reclaim my life, my identity.  Still trying to find my Voice and my purpose.  One step, one day at a time and I will get there.

I've Been Thinking

I seem to be doing A LOT of thinking lately.  I always seem to have thoughts of woulda, coulda, shoulda running through my head.  But it's the thoughts I night, when the house is all quiet and settling in to sleep.  The ones that keep me awake while the world around me falls into slumber.

I haven't been making art.  I haven't been writing.  I haven't been very creative in months (years).  I have a spurt here and there where I'll make a small thing or do an art journal page.  But it isn't any where near what I want to be doing.

In all my late night thinking, I started to realize that I was putting self imposed walls and barriers up for myself.  Usually starts with "I'm not good enough" or "Why bother, it'll be shit anyway."  Or go the other extreme and I see all these new and trendy art things going on, next I know I'm saying I want to do that and that and this and that.  I likened it to being at a buffet and going back to fill a plate sky high, yet I've not touched the plate I already have with ideas and projects I want to do or need to do.  Like paint the unfinished bookcase or repaint the dresser.  Pick a color for my room to be painted in.

It's probably a good thing I don't have any money, too, because I would be signing up for every workshop and online class that I could only dream of taking and then never get passed one lesson.  The other thing is I've got my craft stuff in like three different places.  So I need to organize a space, my space to where I can have the majority of it where I plan to be the most creative.  Duplicates of things like my oil pastels or small tubes of acrylic paints can be kept by my computer desk to play with whenever I might check out some Youtube art videos or a free video lesson on someone's website.

This brings me to finding my word of the year.  ACCEPTANCE!  Learning to accept me and love me as I am, flaws and scars...the shebang.  Accept that yes, my art might be shit right now, but that's okay.  I can't improve if I don't make anything and practice. Accept that I am enough, just as I am.  Accept that I may not belong, that I may not be a part of something and that it's okay.  Accept that I am still good enough even if I am not a part of said group or thing.  Their loss, not mine.

I will no longer push myself or impose myself to be a part of something or part of a group.  If I'm to be the outsider, so be it.  I choose to accept that I am not for everyone, no matter how hard I try.  Not everyone can handle or tolerate this loud and awkward girl from Brooklyn.  I'm loud, I can be obnoxious but you know what that's part of who I am.  Why do I have to change that?  I learned I had to be LOUDER to be heard, to be seen.  But if you don't want to see me or hear me no matter how loudly or softly I come across, that's your problem now not mine.  I will tone it down to where I'm not shouting from the rooftops to be recognized, but I will not change what is 'normal' for me.

That leads me to my phrase for the year.  LET THAT SHIT GO!  I need to let go of the hurts, the anger, the pain, the disappointment.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to stop letting it define me.  Learn from my mistakes, learn from the pain but move on.  Time to rewrite the story, time to rewrite my truth.  I'm a survivor, I'm a warrior, I'm not a victim anymore, I'm the child of the Goddess, I am holy, I am sacred. I am so much more than my past.  I AM ENOUGH!