Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Feeling Lost

I've hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to post.  Well, I wanted to post I just didn't know about what.

But today I have been feeling lost.  It happens every now and then, it passes.  It's that feeling of not belonging.  That feeling of not knowing who you are.

I've been daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girl friend, mother, wife, and so on.  I can't remember a time when I've just been me, without labels.  The individual with a voice that is heard, that could stand her own.

I feel silent.  I see people around me that I care about getting hurt.  Not physically, but their feelings and emotions.  I want to say things, to the people causing to pain but it feels like it would change nothing and would probably cause problems.  Most of these people I only know by name, not personally so they'd probably even think "Who the hell are you? And mind your own damn business!"

And then there's the whole name thing.  It makes me feel so trapped.  Trapped in a box I can't get out of.  I want my name to be my own.  I don't want to keep carrying the name of the Ex who isn't yet an Ex because papers, money, etc.  I don't want to use the name I'm using because it's borrowed to hide me online, since at one time they (the Ex's family wanted to for lack of a better word, stalk me).  I wanted to go back to my birth name for awhile, but now I'm unsure.  It's mine but it comes with SO -- MUCH -- Baggage! People that know me from back then, see that name or hear that name and instantly it's "Oh you're HER daughter." And well of course that means I'm supposed to be just like her.  But I'm NOT!  Damn it!

While I'm at it...the longing for a place I am not sure exists.  A place called Home, but the home of my heart that seems to only exists in my dreams.  A place of belonging, of comfort.  I mean yes I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat.  But it's different when you live in someone else's home, under someone else's roof.

But this is where I am in my head today.  Feeling lost, like I don't belong.  Like I don't deserve things. It will pass, it happens.  It always does.  Maybe it's the remnants of the full moon that plagued me with headaches.  Any way, this too shall pass.

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