Perceptions and Thoughts

You know, I suck at coming up with titles for posts sometimes!  Especially since I know that this post will probably end up being random bunny trails of things.  But hey, that's just me.

Seven months since the last post.  Well so much for me blogging more often.  It was well intended, I swear it was.  But then, I think about blogging and I start to feel guilty.  Guilty for blogging, want to blog, the sound my keyboard makes when I type, for wanting write, for wanting my voice to be heard.  I start to think, just who the hell are you to think you should want to do this.  No one wants to hear what you have to say.  And a bunch of other negative shit.  *sigh* And so the cycle, the circle, the inner battle continues.

I even went to bed last night thinking "Yeah, tomorrow will be a new day.  New start.  I will stop hiding and stop being silent.  I will do this, that, the other thing, etc."  Then I woke up this morning, sat down with my coffee and it was "WTF do you think you're gonna do?  You can't do that.  You need to be quiet and just keep dreaming.  You can't follow dreams.  You can't talk about yourself, your life, your past.  You can't write, paint, art journal, (fill in the blank)."  So yep, new day - new battle.

I had thought that I would want to 'reveal' myself, use MY name on here instead of Ellie.  But, again that voice, that battle rose up.  You can't do that.  What if so and so finds this blog and reads it.  Do you really want people to know who you are, like for real.  I don't know why I'm so afraid. No, that's wrong.  I do know.  I'm afraid of what people would think if they knew who I was.  If people in my family or my past read this, I'm afraid of their judgement and opinions.

It's been five years since I left a narcissistic marriage.  We're still not divorced.  I don't have the money to file.  I don't know what his story is about why he hasn't filed.  We haven't spoken.  So I'm still in an identity crisis.  I use my married name for things because I have to.  (I also don't have $166 to file for at least a name change.  But if I did that, I might as well self file for divorce.  Not much of a price difference.)  I hide behind another name, my Beloved's family name on most social media because I want to avoid my ex's family.  I want to use my maiden name for art and writing, but legally I suppose I can't.  I don't know how that works.  I mean it's my name, but I can't use it if I wanted to get paid under it.  (Optimistically speaking here, if I sold something.  But that would require me to write or make art.)

I feel like the first step to finding myself and figuring shit out, is to take back my maiden name.  For a long time, (before I was married) I wanted nothing to do with my name.  I hated it.  I couldn't wait to change it.  Back then, my maiden name was synonymous with my mother.  Where I grew up, if I told you my full name and you knew my mother, it was "OH! You're HER daughter."  And suddenly, I was my mother's daughter and not in a good way.  It was assumed that because she was my mother, I was just like her. But, I'm older now and 20+ years wiser (I hope).  And I realized I am also my father's daughter.  No one ever said, "Oh, you're HIS daughter."  It's like they forgot I had a father.  But my father didn't make people dislike him.  He was more remembered as a nice guy, too bad he had a drinking problem.  Which of course was promptly blamed on my mother.  And to some extent, she problem was the cause.  But ultimately, the choice to drink was his.  I'm a product of their union, not the immaculate conception.  I cannot make people not see me as just her daughter, but that's not my problem.

So yep, still trying figure shit out.  Still trying to reclaim my life, my identity.  Still trying to find my Voice and my purpose.  One step, one day at a time and I will get there.