Writing NaNoWriMo - The Struggle Is Real

Firstly, I have written (as of yesterday) seven days straight!
I started out strong, even ahead of the word count.
A couple of days there though, I did not even break five hundred.
I felt myself starting to falter.  I felt the doubt creeping in.
Thankfully the plot twists are nagging me enough to keep coming.
Thankfully the mystery woman who should up out of the starting gate keeps talking to me.

I have also broke the ten thousand word mark.  BUT, as of right now, I am about fourteen hundred words behind.  I need just over three thousand to get back on track.  The plan for the weekend right now anyway, is to get back on track and maybe even ahead of the count.

SO I am NOT giving up.

I was writing last night.
When I realized, old habits die hard.
I still even fifteen years after I started the original story, find it easier to write at night.
Back then, I could easily find myself still writing and researching well past two or
three in the morning.
I think I could do it  again now.

But I realized something just a short bit ago.
I am holding myself back.
I can get on roll with the words. The ideas are starting to come together. And then I notice the
time. Usually only about 11:30 and I think I should stop. Or that I have to stop and so I do.
I think I am holding myself back.

What occurred to me when I was thinking about that and why I might be doing it, is that
I think it might be fear.  Yep...here we go again. FEAR.
I think I am afraid of failing. That if I throw myself into this and let it just go and flow, that
it will  end up being total crap and I will end up feeling like I wasted my time.
I also think I am afraid it will be really good. I am afraid if it is good, that more things will come of it.
More stories.  Or dare I think of trying to publish. 
Then, I am afraid that if I let myself try to publish that I will be rejected. Because now they will think it is total crap.  I know rejection is part of the process. But I don't know if I could handle it.

Then there is the part of me that is okay with not being published.
That used to be "THE DREAM".  Publish or bust.
Now though, I have come to be okay with just having written it for me.
Write to see if I could actually do it from start to finish. A complete story.
For no other reason than self satisfaction.

Things I need to work on:
Getting out of my head and letting myself write if the words are flowing
and not worry about the clock or what time it is.
Getting out of my head and stop worrying if it the writing is good or bad
right now and just get the words  down.
Let each new plot twist or character that shows up while I am writing
be its own chapter in the draft that I can explore at will when the ideas come.

So there it is. The goals for the weekend. Now back to the writing my story.

Have a lovely weekend!