End Of April Already

It feels like the days are flying by.
Here we are, the last day of April.
One third of the year....POOF! Gone!
Just like that.

Some days, it seems like the world is going to shit around us.
Or maybe, just our country.
I don't even recognize it any more.
I often wonder what would my grandma think if she were still alive.
She struggled for so many years to get back to the US after
being taken to Poland and living through the war. Losing a child and
a husband. Losing her home. Raising two little boys.
I don't think she would recognize it either.  Or she might say it looked
a lot like what happened during the war.

On my other blog, I managed to complete the blog along.
Doing so also allowed for this to happen.........

As of right now, not counting this post, I'm sitting at 20,000+ words.

My goal was 19,500.  Odd number I know. I know other fellow writers

were going for a true NaNo and aiming for 50,000.

As for the 100 days, I've really fallen by the way side.  Maybe I should 

have done 100 blog posts as a goal instead lol.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm!

I still can, there's nothing saying I can't change it.  I'll think about it.

Effy is going to extend the blog along to keep going. With the same for

every blog post you share in the group, you must read and comment on 

three.

Mary Magdalene has been on my mind lately.  I don't know why.

I saw something that she is likened to Brigid. I might want to dig

deeper on that.  

And I've been smelling incense. Like you smell at an old Catholic Church.

What do they use?  Frankincense? Myrrh? Both? I don't know, but it smells

just like what they use at Mass.  Google tells me that both are symbolic

of Mary Magdalene.  I did a YouTube search and Google search of her.

And there's a lot of "channeled" messages supposedly from her.

I'm not big into the whole channeling thing.  Not saying it isn't legit,

just way too woo-woo for me.  Especially the ones claiming to be messages

from both her and Jesus.  *Queue Twilight Zone music*

But seriously....what is that smelling the incense all about? 

If there's a message, I don't understand.

Hope you have a lovely last day of April.

See you next month.

Monday, Monday

Happy Monday!

It's a beautiful looking day out there. 
Blue skies, some light clouds. Sunshine.
Temps to be near 70 or so.
BUT there is supposed to be wind coming.
Near 4:00 we could be seeing 30+ mph.
DAMN! 
Wind scares me now.
I don't enjoy it like I used to.

Yesterday, I peopled.
The sisters were over.
With kiddos. One significant other made it.
We had some good food. Nothing fancy.
Mashed potato, sauteed zucchini and yellow squash
with asparagus, and a pork loin wrapped in bacon.
Simple but delicious.

I snuggled the Grasshopper.
It makes me nervous to hold her.
I figure the easiest way to overcome that is to hold her.
She is so precious.
Such a good little lass.
I got to feed her too.
Yesterday was her actual due date I believe. 

Happy Earth Day!

Friday Thoughts

Let me start by saying Full Pink Moon Blessings to you!!

It's glorious out there today.  The temperature is supposed to reach 82!!
The sun is shining, there's blue sky and light wispy clouds.  Tomorrow, chance of rain and it drops back into the 60's.

As I was writing my Blog Along post over on Word Press, I realized something.
I self sabotage myself into being paralyzed so that I can't create.  WHOA!  I come up
with ideas of things I want to create and then I overwhelm myself with fear and self doubt to
the point I become paralyzed and then I can't create.  So thoughts and ideas get pushed
aside or to the back burner, some even forgotten completely.

I think I've been doing that physically too.  Self sabotaging.  I did so well giving up soda and most sweets.  I can't tell you what happened because I don't know.  But I started having a soda here and there. Then my craving for sweets....Candy, cookies. brownie bites, ice cream....I was indulging
WAAAAAAAAAAY too much.  I had convinced myself that Ginger Ale wasn't soda and that it was okay to drink.  I believe that was my downfall.

Well, this is Easter weekend and there will be family coming over for dinner.  And there will be candy and who knows what else.  So I made a decision.

I will give myself until April 28th to indulge if should choose to.  That includes having a soda if I want to.  But come the 28th, that's it!  It will be six months until my 50th birthday on that day.  And I decided that from then until my birthday, I will skip the soda completely.  Even the Ginger Ale.  I will cut back or eliminate the sweets completely and try to make better food choices.  Just because there's history on both sides of certain illnesses doesn't mean I have to put myself on the path of guaranteed to get them.  I may not be able to dodge them completely, but I certainly don't have to lay out the red carpet and a welcome sign.

I have never been comfortable in my body.  All my life I was told how I was a bag of bones, a scarecrow, a toothpick.  Skinny Minnie.  Boney Marony.  You get the picture.  I was always underweight even after having had babies.  After Grandma came to live with me, I finally managed to gain some weight.  After she died, I lost some of it.  When I left I think I was somewhere between 115 and 120.  I looked.....sick. My face was drawn.

Now, I'm pushing 160!  Don't ask me how that happened, because I don't know.  Maybe it's the chronic pain. Maybe it's something else. Even pregnant, I was never close to 160.  I've never been in a size 14 until now and if I don't take control I'll be looking at 16's before long. 

It's funny in a way how I've gone from being underweight to overweight. Something I never thought I would be.  Now I don't want to go back to looking like I was starved, but I don't want the extra weight either.  I'd be happy if I got back to a 12.  Maybe I should just embrace my new weight and welcome it, just be healthy about it.  But I think I might be better off if I lost 10-15 pounds.

Tuesday Thoughts

Grasshopper seems to be doing well. At her last doctor's appointment, she had gained weight and was a pound over what she was at birth. I will probably get to see her Friday if not then Sunday.

Had a rough couple of days because of something that was said.
The what and the who don't matter. But they were triggering.

The 100 days thing isn't going so well.  I'm doing it as the moment strikes. Or if I come across
a particularly inspiring quote. Instead I've decided to just focus on blogging for the camp nano. So far I have managed to stay on track or slightly ahead.  Some days are a struggle to come up with words. But that isn't unusual for me.

Earlier I was cleaning up my FB friends list.  Someone friended me that was mutual friends with my cousin. But then this person posted things that go against where I stand and a lot of posts supporting 45 and his cronies.   I don't got time for that.  The others were friends that deactivated accounts or were secondary secret accounts for them that were deactivated.

In the process of cleaning it up, I discovered that a guy I went to school with died almost five maybe six years ago.  None of our mutual friends/classmates ever said a word.  Makes we wonder if they even know/knew.  On the post that told of his passing, a couple of the comments almost make it sound like he may have taken his own life.  It's hard to tell for sure and there isn't an obituary that says anything about him.

He always was a strange sort of kid.  I wouldn't say we were even friends.  Just classmates really.  One time on FB messenger, he sent me a note asking if I would like to come spend the weekend with him for his birthday.  It made me uncomfortable because it was worded like a proposition.  I politely declined and moved him to a restricted list.

I suppose we're having a gathering on Sunday for Easter. Mr. T. will be home and it's his first Easter at home in a few years (he drives truck, so he misses holidays and birthdays and such).  So the sisters and their significant others and their kids will be coming over.  We'll either being having ham or a pork loin, not sure which yet.

We have had rain of some amount every day so far in April.  I saw something a few days ago that said we have already reached and exceeded the total rain predicted for April.  Today started out with some sunshine and blue skies, but here come the clouds.....again.  By Friday we could see high 70s. And then it will  drop again back to the 50s. There's mud slides going on up in the mountains that have caused road closures here and there.

The bees are humming, the robins are worming, the dandelions are popping. Spring is definitely here.

Friday Roundup

I couldn't think of anything clever for a post title.

Let's see:

I got to hold grasshopper this week for the first time.  Scary shit right there.
I think of her as this super fragile little thing.  Watching her breathe still makes
me all sorts of nervous.  Yesterday I got to see her again while Grandma got to help
give her her first bath.

Took my fur babe to the cat clinic to get fixed. I'm all kinds of helicoptering her.
This isn't our regular vet. It's a cat rescue that does low cost spay and neuter once a week.
They do 20 male and 20 females every Thursday.  She seems to be doing okay.
A little slow still and sleeping a lot.  But she's eating, drinking, and using the box.

Scored some cargo style capris at the thrift store yesterday. Two of the pairs being
half price.  YAY for orange tickets.  And scored a set of Faber Castell brush markers
for 2.99!!

Made Mediterranean Chicken in the crock pot the other night. Had it with left over rice.
Was very tasty and will definitely do it again with a few tweaks.

I gained back the weight I lost just by quitting soda.  I think I messed up when I started drinking Ginger Ale on more than a rare occasion.  So I've decided to give myself until the 28th
of this month to do whatever, especially with Easter coming and plans for it unknown.  The 28th will mark that it is six months to my birthday. From then I will refrain from soda more diligently. Striving for none at all and having a ginger ale only when I have an upset stomach.  I will cut way back
on the sugary sweets. I've been too indulgent on the cookies, candy, and ice cream.  Need to make better choices, like more fruits and veggies.

So I was reading a post today by  Effy that included some of her poetry.  And I've been dwelling
on living a creative life and seeking the sacred and how if you swap the a and the c you get scared.
How I am super scared at this whole seeking that I am feeling unworthy to even try and that it is
pretty much paralyzing me in both art and seeking.  Then Renee posted a thing and talked about rosaries. Which led me to thinking about my collections, that I want to add to by the way. I have a thing for them, always have I think.  Any way, poems and rosaries and talk of booze in a sense gave me an idea.

I used to write some poetry when I was in an especially dark mood while living with friends of my mother's after we were evicted.  At some point, for unknown reasons I stopped. I have no idea what ever happened to my notebook, but that's besides the point.  I stopped, as Effy puts it, poeming.  (Using Poem as a verb here). Until the last few years that is. And when my mind goes to the dark place or down that dark road, I find myself writing poems.  The seem dark, twisty in a way. Just how I feel in the moment.

And that got me thinking.  The scarier part is threw this idea out there publicly.  I thought of possibly doing a some poems and calling the series "Vodka and Rosaries".  I already added a page to my Word Press blog as well as created a separate blog on Word Press in case the later doesn't work.  I also thought of maybe a small photo series to go with it. 

I must be nuts.  I mean I actually put this out there.  WTF am I thinking??  But there it is. And now you know too. 

I think that's all I have today.  I need to catch up on some shows.  Have a fabulous  weekend!

Grasshopper Update

Just a little update to say she came home today!!!
Momma is nervous as one would expect.

So some strength and courage vibes for her would be welcome.
And keep the good juju coming for the little grasshopper.

Thanks for keeping them in your thoughts.

Have a fab weekend.

Blog Along Day 3

I fully intended to write a post here yesterday.
But for some reason, I was just plain exhausted.
And whiny, to some extent.
I only managed a short 300 word post on my other blog.
I half  assed the for thing for the 100 days project.
I wrote nothing for camp.
BUT...I am at least ahead in my word count for the moment.

Today, is a little better.
I still have this lingering headache that just will not go away completely.
It's nagging at the back of my head and into between my shoulders.
I've tried aspirin and Advil Migraine, nothing really helps just takes the edge off.

Today on the other blog I talked about minimizing and over thinking.
Two things I have become skilled at.
I minimize everything that has happened to me.
Every thing wasn't "that bad", others have had or have it worse.
I injustify my feelings and experiences, making them less than or
unimportant.

Then I over think everything.  Mostly  because I feel unworthy.
Because I doubt everything I think or feel.  I feel less than, so
therefore, I don't deserve it.  I have to make myself small or worse,
invisible to be accepted.

Vicious cycle it is.

Then I read a Twitter post that Effy  shared on being a "fawn".
You really have to read it . You can do that HERE.

I read this and so much of it was OMG that's so me.
I make myself small.
I make myself less than.
I say Yes when I want to say No because I want to people please.
I'm a people pleaser, I don't want to rock the boat.
If I don't rock the boat, they will like me.

It brings to mind when I was at the hospital last week and everyone was
talking.  I tried to speak, and I was talked over, ignored.  We I tried to
persist, I was given a dirty look by  one of those present that made me
feel like they were saying "How dare you? Who do you think you are to
even say something?  Just fade into the background a be quiet.  You have no
right to give your opinion."  Just one little look said all that to me.  Real,
implied, imagined?  I don't know.  But it's how it felt.

And so I got quiet.  I stopped trying to be a part of the conversation.
I faded into the background and became invisible.
It's what I do.  It's what I'm good at.  Don't want to rock that boat ya know.

Blog Along 1

Update first:
Wee little lass is improving day by day.  They have stopped the UV lights for now and that means Momma can holder her more often now.  The next step is the feeding tube.  She needs to gain a little weight for that to happen. Hard to believe she is a  week old already!!



Okay!  Rabbit  Rabbit, Happy April!

Camp NaNoWriMo starts today.  As does Effy's blog along.  The blog along is free  range. No prompts, just write whatever.  So over on the blog I use for that, I've already exceed my word count goal for NaNo.  Two birds, one stone.  But the blog  isn't just to meet my word count for NaNo either, though they can go hand in hand.  This one here is a bonus, a supplement.  Sometimes, I wish I could change the URL for this one.  But then, I wish the same for my WP blog.

Over on WP, I  talked a bit about digging deeper into my changing back to my maiden name.  How thinking about it a little deeper is bringing up some negative feelings about it.  Mostly due to my mother (may she rest in peace).  And I mean it, I really do hope she has found some sort of peace.

I get negative feelings because of how she was, the lies she told, the bridges she burned, the people she hurt.  How because of the messes she made, people that knew her think I am just like her and wouldn't even give me a chance to prove otherwise.  I haven't lived in Brooklyn in almost 30 years!  I shouldn't even care what these people think anymore.  I think I might even be getting to the point where I don't care.  Because truthfully, I will probably never see these people again.

All my life, childhood and married life, I have been told what my story is.  Who to be, how to be, how to act, what to believe....My story has been dictated to me for so long, I had begun to forget who I was.

Now, I want to begin to change that narrative. To tell my story. To tell it my way, in my words. 

One of the positives of going back to my maiden name is that there is only one with it, and that's me. So I am unique. One of a kind.

I don't know why I am so hung up on this name thing.  Some times it feels like maybe I'm going backwards.  Sometimes it feels like I am perhaps trying to right a wrong.  Maybe I should never have changed it.  Maybe, I should have took him up on his offer for me to change it back years ago.

Ifs, maybe, coulds, woulds.....I could go round and round with it.  Not sure I'd ever find a suitable answer.

For now, all I can do is hope to make it happen one day.  And for now, just keep digging to see if this is truly what I want, what I should do.  Or is there another option?