Blog Along Day 3

I fully intended to write a post here yesterday.
But for some reason, I was just plain exhausted.
And whiny, to some extent.
I only managed a short 300 word post on my other blog.
I half  assed the for thing for the 100 days project.
I wrote nothing for camp.
BUT...I am at least ahead in my word count for the moment.

Today, is a little better.
I still have this lingering headache that just will not go away completely.
It's nagging at the back of my head and into between my shoulders.
I've tried aspirin and Advil Migraine, nothing really helps just takes the edge off.

Today on the other blog I talked about minimizing and over thinking.
Two things I have become skilled at.
I minimize everything that has happened to me.
Every thing wasn't "that bad", others have had or have it worse.
I injustify my feelings and experiences, making them less than or
unimportant.

Then I over think everything.  Mostly  because I feel unworthy.
Because I doubt everything I think or feel.  I feel less than, so
therefore, I don't deserve it.  I have to make myself small or worse,
invisible to be accepted.

Vicious cycle it is.

Then I read a Twitter post that Effy  shared on being a "fawn".
You really have to read it . You can do that HERE.

I read this and so much of it was OMG that's so me.
I make myself small.
I make myself less than.
I say Yes when I want to say No because I want to people please.
I'm a people pleaser, I don't want to rock the boat.
If I don't rock the boat, they will like me.

It brings to mind when I was at the hospital last week and everyone was
talking.  I tried to speak, and I was talked over, ignored.  We I tried to
persist, I was given a dirty look by  one of those present that made me
feel like they were saying "How dare you? Who do you think you are to
even say something?  Just fade into the background a be quiet.  You have no
right to give your opinion."  Just one little look said all that to me.  Real,
implied, imagined?  I don't know.  But it's how it felt.

And so I got quiet.  I stopped trying to be a part of the conversation.
I faded into the background and became invisible.
It's what I do.  It's what I'm good at.  Don't want to rock that boat ya know.