Friday Thoughts

Let me start by saying Full Pink Moon Blessings to you!!

It's glorious out there today.  The temperature is supposed to reach 82!!
The sun is shining, there's blue sky and light wispy clouds.  Tomorrow, chance of rain and it drops back into the 60's.

As I was writing my Blog Along post over on Word Press, I realized something.
I self sabotage myself into being paralyzed so that I can't create.  WHOA!  I come up
with ideas of things I want to create and then I overwhelm myself with fear and self doubt to
the point I become paralyzed and then I can't create.  So thoughts and ideas get pushed
aside or to the back burner, some even forgotten completely.

I think I've been doing that physically too.  Self sabotaging.  I did so well giving up soda and most sweets.  I can't tell you what happened because I don't know.  But I started having a soda here and there. Then my craving for sweets....Candy, cookies. brownie bites, ice cream....I was indulging
WAAAAAAAAAAY too much.  I had convinced myself that Ginger Ale wasn't soda and that it was okay to drink.  I believe that was my downfall.

Well, this is Easter weekend and there will be family coming over for dinner.  And there will be candy and who knows what else.  So I made a decision.

I will give myself until April 28th to indulge if should choose to.  That includes having a soda if I want to.  But come the 28th, that's it!  It will be six months until my 50th birthday on that day.  And I decided that from then until my birthday, I will skip the soda completely.  Even the Ginger Ale.  I will cut back or eliminate the sweets completely and try to make better food choices.  Just because there's history on both sides of certain illnesses doesn't mean I have to put myself on the path of guaranteed to get them.  I may not be able to dodge them completely, but I certainly don't have to lay out the red carpet and a welcome sign.

I have never been comfortable in my body.  All my life I was told how I was a bag of bones, a scarecrow, a toothpick.  Skinny Minnie.  Boney Marony.  You get the picture.  I was always underweight even after having had babies.  After Grandma came to live with me, I finally managed to gain some weight.  After she died, I lost some of it.  When I left I think I was somewhere between 115 and 120.  I looked.....sick. My face was drawn.

Now, I'm pushing 160!  Don't ask me how that happened, because I don't know.  Maybe it's the chronic pain. Maybe it's something else. Even pregnant, I was never close to 160.  I've never been in a size 14 until now and if I don't take control I'll be looking at 16's before long. 

It's funny in a way how I've gone from being underweight to overweight. Something I never thought I would be.  Now I don't want to go back to looking like I was starved, but I don't want the extra weight either.  I'd be happy if I got back to a 12.  Maybe I should just embrace my new weight and welcome it, just be healthy about it.  But I think I might be better off if I lost 10-15 pounds.