My Heart Hurts Today

My heart is breaking all over again today.  It will be a miracle if I can get through it without crying at some point. 

A year ago today, my sweet beautiful fur baby died in my arms.  We tried to rush to the vet, but we didn't make it passed the end of the driveway. 

Your little life was cut short, way too soon.  Why did you choose me, if you were only going to leave  me? 

I was there shortly after you were born. I feel in love with and your siblings.  When you first opened your eyes, you chose me. The joy I would get from your little face when I saw how excited you were to see me was nothing I ever experienced before. The way you would curl up in my lap or next to me when I was doing something was like nothing any of the others did.  You didn't pester, you kept me company.  I miss how you would bury your face in my hair and sleep on my shoulder.

I miss everything about you, my sweet girl.  I don't think I can do it, make it through the day without crying.


I miss you so very much my sweet Sylvie.   (May 26, 2017 - August 24, 2017)  This hurts!

Hump Day!

Finally, finally have some much cooler temperatures.  We're down into the 80s for a couple days. We'll have a 90s day tomorrow I think. Then back to the 80s and even some 70s.  It's nice to sit in my sweatshirt most of the day and have all the fans off.  Opening the windows aren't the greatest idea right now, but we do have them open.  The smoke has been so bad the last couple of days.  Today we are in the red for air quality.  And boy oh boy do I feel it.

It feels like there's a weight on my chest, my throat is scratchy, my eyes feel gritty.  I'm sure my glasses were coated with ash every time I went outside yesterday.  You can see the smoke hanging in the tree tops.  Last night at one point it was so bad, we thought there was a fire outside some where because it smelled like there was one right in the yard.   It was awful!!!!

I don't know why, but pain is flaring the last couple of days.  My legs hurt like I've been hiking.  My back, well it never stops hurting. Sitting hurts, walking hurts, laying down hurts.  I tried Tylenol but it didn't help.  I was thinking of maybe trying to take some D3 and magnesium daily, but I don't want to start until after I go to the doctor this month. 


That's about it for now.

Happy Hot Friday

It's not hot yet, but it will be.  We're in an excessive heat advisory until Midnight.

As of right now, the Weather Channel site is calling for 109 here.  Yesterday, in a part of Hell's Canyon it hit 115 and in Baker City, Oregon it hit 108.  I am curious to see what our outdoor weather reader will tell us at peak time today.

The smoke comes in waves.  Night time seems to be the worst.  The other evening it was so bad you would think there was a bonfire in the living room.  That's how strong it was.  They say less smoke is expected today, so that's why our temperatures could end up being worse. Nothing to block it out, even a little bit.

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I took two of those free 24 hours class previews earlier this week.  WOW information overload!  So much good information, just a lot in two days.  It was two different classes on photography.  The first was pretty much I think on the basics like f/stops, aperture, shutter speed, ISO, etc.  The second class was primarily on lenses.  Both were super informative. The teacher was very good.  I looked him up and he has even more videos on YouTube. YAY for me!  At least on YouTube I can actually pause the video as needed and back up to review something.  On the free preview lessons, you can't do that.  You have to let the entire four hours or so play through and wait for that segment to come around in the replay. And if you pause, it jumps to where ever the preview is when you un-pause.  Now I'm not complaining.  I have never viewed a class preview here before so it was a new experience.  I would love to have bought the class, but can't at the sale price of $59 regular $79.

What I learned from the class is what type of camera I actually have.  Other than it's a D-SLR camera. I didn't know there was full frame and crop frame cameras and how that relates to taking a photo. That my kit lens that came with the camera is only frustrating because of me and not the lens.  In other words, I need to practice practice practice. Sure it would be great to get a lens with more zoom to really get that hawk picture. Which is the downside of my lens.  But for now, there is more I can do with it than I thought. 

So once the temperature cools to a more tolerable to be outside level, I plan to go out and practice with it.  In the mean time, I will consolidate the notes I took and watch more videos (and take even more notes).  I can't buy the new lens, don't know when I will be able to. And I have no one I can borrow a lens from.  Even if I did, I don't think I would.  I'd be too worried I would break it and then I'd be screwed. I mean it's not likely because I'd be overly cautious but still, not a chance I'd be willing to take.

Monday's Musings

Good news is, we haven't seen the badger since that day.  The bad news is, it might not have left as we originally thought.

That hawk, that has been flying around and crying all the time.........Well I asked Sister #3 about what could it mean.  She thought maybe it lost a fledgling or a mate as I thought.  Google search was suggesting it was communicating to the mate for food for the young.  Hawk medicine says when they show up in your life and cry, pay attention there is something you need to see.  To seek truth.  I am trying to pay attention, I just don't know what the answer is yet.

Well she asked her S.O. who is also somewhat knowledgeable about these things.  He suggested that the badger has perhaps moved into her/their territory and she/they are pissed about it. They crying and circling low is how they are trying to make it leave.  Interesting theory!  Also, NOT what we wanted to hear.  Said that the way it left that day suggests that it has been here for a bit and that's the path it takes.  He suggests we set up a live trap for it.


We had a nice temperature break the last couple of days. It was rather nice. But it's not sticking around. By midweek we are looking at 105 and 107 days.  I know there are areas around here they call desert, because basically only sage brush grows. But we are actually in the valley, it shouldn't be this hot!!  Not much we can do about it except cope best we can.

The downside to the weekend was my pain.  Friday we ran some errands and by the time I got home my back was really hurting.  By that evening my hips and legs were hurting more than they have been too.  The pain has lasted through the weekend without much change. Yesterday, it hurt to sit and it hurt to try to walk it off. Laying down didn't feel much better.  My hands and wrists are hurting a little more consistently here lately too.  Not much I can do except take frequent breaks and move around.

I have to see the doctor sometime in the next month.  I really dread seeing him.  He's a nice guy and all that, but he just seems to brush me off too easily. I feel like he doesn't want to listen to my concerns.  He's content with just labeling it chronic pain I think. I however am not. 

I made the mistake of looking at WebMD the other day about somethings. It did have that my symptoms could be fibro.  I guess that's a plus LOL!!  But I also began to wonder if it might be the beginnings of RA.  I have a cousin with it, but she has had it for decades.  Though it says onset could be as late as 44.  It would explain why the hands feel like more than just carpal tunnel.  But maybe it is just a real stretch.  I have seen some articles suggest a connection between RA and Fibro. 

Well the intro course for the herbalism starts today. As does two of the photography classes. Better get to work ;)

Have a good Monday!

There Was A Badger!

First let me just say, we have a break!  OMG and it is glorious!  Right now, we only have the ceiling fans on and there is a wonderful breeze.  This weekend we will be seeing some 80s.  I know it's temporary as we still have all of August to get through and it can be just as bad as July. But for today and the weekend, I will take it.  The smoke is still bad, but at least this makes it tolerable.

So I shared this yesterday on my feed.  I would have wrote a second post but I was so wound up, I was mashing keys.  My heart was racing, my hands were shaking. I took me a good hour just to settle down, but still was hyped enough to mash keys.

Yesterday afternoon, I let the dogs out as one does.  But since a couple of the fur babes like to wander and it was too hot for that I went outside with them.  The big girl and a wiener went towards the dog pen, the other wiener and the bassette just off the porch.  All of them came back pretty quickly without much coaxing.  It was hot after all.  But the border mix, he trotted around back of the 5th wheel.  No biggy I thought, he does that if he has more eh-hem business to attend to.  I gave him a few minutes and began to call him.  He's not one to ignore being called.

He might dilly dally, but he won't not come. But this time...he was not coming. I had no shoes on, so I had to pop inside. I figured I'll run in, slip on my sandals, and he'll be at the door.  Usually that is what happens.  But not today.  So back outside I go.  Heading towards the chicken pen. I get just to the BBQ grill and I stop dead in my tracks.

He's quiet, but in a pounce position.  Just on the other side of the fence is a big fat fucking badger.  And it's pissed. It's hissing. It's crouching.  I don't want move because I don't want to set it off and make it attack.  So I start screaming the dog's name. Whiskey, come here. Whiskey come! Whiskey...WHISKEY! 

Finally, he notices that I am calling him. Now he is torn between coming to me and trying to I don't know what with this badger.  I still don't want to make a move and I don't want to leave and get help.

Whiskey finally listens and comes to me and I get him inside.  And alert them that there is a badger.  We all three go outside so I can show them where it was exactly.  But by the time we got over to the spot, the badger was no where to be seen.

We rounded up all the in-outside cats and brought them in.  They were not happy to give up their shady cool spots they found to come inside but did it anyway.

I have never seen a live badger in real life other than in photos or dead on the road side.  Even though I wasn't close, I hope to never see one.  They can be very aggressive.

Once we came back in, I checked over the boy to make sure he wasn't scratched or bit anywhere. Thankfully he was fine.  Definitely not something I want to experience again!

Hello August!

Hard to believe, but here we are.  New month, new goals.  Right?  I'm trying to sort mine out for the month.  What would I like to strive for? What would I like to achieve?

At this moment, I want to just grab my camera and go outside.  But it's already too hot to consider and too thick to breathe. Even in the house with everything pretty much closed up for the day with fans running, I can feel the air like a weight in my lungs.

I think this month I am going to strive to do the online workshops I have signed up for.  And like actually do them!  Monday starts a two week herbal intro course with Herbal Academy.  I also signed up for a few freebies from Creative Live on photography.

I realized that ever since I got my first camera, many many moons ago, that I have always enjoyed taking pictures.  That was back when you had to wait and see if you got the shot, and hoped and prayed that you did.  You might remember those days of 35mm film.  I can remember back when my mom took pictures with a 110 and a cube flash bulb!  At some point I got a digital camera, it was nothing expensive. I think it was barely 100 bucks.  It served me well for point and shot stuff.  I got some decent photos with it, I think. 

Then, a few years ago, a friend gifted me her old Nikon Cool Pix.  And it too has served me well.  It's my toss it in my purse and carry everywhere camera. Since I have it on a lanyard, I'm thinking of wearing it every day for those moments I pop outside and see something.

A couple of years ago, I got a Canon Rebel for my birthday.  It sure was a surprise.  I have enjoyed it thus far. But I have so much to learn.  None of the video series I signed up for are specific to this camera.  They all sound pretty general and all around classes.  One is on starter kits, one is on choosing the right lens, another is on how to think like a photographer.

I have a hard time thinking outside of the box. Getting creative with the camera is foreign to me. I'm so ingrained with point and shoot, what ever it is that's it.  I want to learn the ins and outs of my camera.  How to take amazing photos of wildlife and nature and the Milky Way.

Going back to the herbal class.  I have wanted to learn about this for years now.  I was close to taking a class for it about ten years ago.  Then I put it on hold to take a leap into the unknown and never had the opportunity to re-enroll.  I still have my book and all the herbs that came with it.  I keep them in the dark in a sealed container. Whenever I check them, they still look and smell fine. 

There are so many things that I want to do in life.  Some days, especially when I see all these travel pictures or even things that are local-ish, I feel like I am missing out.  I don't drive, so I can't even take myself to the places.  There's no bus out here either.  I mean I'm surrounded by cows and crops.

I'm trying to take a new perspective on this.  Why can't I utilize what's around me?  It's all about thinking differently and using what I have.

Well, this post wasn't what I had in mind when I started but here we are.

Have Blessed Lammas!