YAY! I DID IT!!!!!!!!

So I finally did it!

I won another National Novel Writing Month.

I did it last night, just before eight o'clock.

I was a great feeling to validate over fifty thousand.

I was going to just chill out today.

But it is the final day and I kind of would like to see how

much more I can eek out.

Most (ALL) of it is a messy crappy pile 

of words.

If it turns into something, it will need

quite a bit of editing.

I will definitely need to print out what I do have

and then make copious notes of people, 

places, and things.

Tomorrow, I will just breathe.

Tomorrow, will just be blogging, most likely.

Here is to hoping that my next win is not in another four years!

Going Into The Home Stretch

Here we are in the last two days of National Novel Writing Month. I have caught up in word count much to my surprise! I ended yesterday with need 3,773 words to finish and be declared an "OFFICIAL" winner.

In  my mind, I am a winner regardless since I have written more words then I have in a long time. Except for maybe September when I did the blog along. I might have topped the numbers then between the two blogs. I never checked, but I am curious how much I did write that month. Maybe I will figure up the numbers once I am done with this month.

It feels good to be this close to winning. It has been four years since I had a win and this will only be my second win in all my years participating. While a good bit of it is Rebel writing, I am okay with that because I feel like I split my writing between fiction and non fiction. So does that still make me a rebel? I am not sure, but I like the title Rebel Writer.

At this moment that I am writing this, my fiction writing tab is open and I am approximately 1200 words in. So that means only 2500 more to go. I have decided that my goal is to reach the 50000 today so that I can take tomorrow off if I choose to.

I did not do any sort of reward system for myself for specific word goals. I know several people do that. But I just wanted to write for the sake of writing. There was no point in a reward system if I did not have the money to spend on rewards.

But yep, there it is. The finish line for November is in my sights. I can't wait to cross it!

Determination and Road Blocks

Holy Shit I have written close to three thousand words today! If I can squeeze out another two thousand, I will actually be back on track to win. But I do not know what to do. Do I just roll that into what I need in the next two days? Or do I buckle down and try to keep going as far as I can tonight? Decisions, decisions!

I ended up not doing my writing by hand after all this year. I need to figure out a good set up to be able to do that comfortably. I would like to be able to do that at my computer desk, then I feel cramped. I would need a small table next to it or something. I could do it at my art table, but I really want to leave that just for art. It is not really a dilemma but it is sort of, but not one that will keep me from writing if I want to.

I also have not decided if I want to take a few days break in December or keep going. Since the cold is still lingering, I would like to say I want to take the weekend at least. Just to chill and decompress. But then I am afraid I will lose steam and then just keep making excuse after excuse about why I will not write that day. Which brings me to two quotes I have come across in the last couple of days.

The first is:

(found via Facebook and Google)

this is the second one

(discovered via BohoBerry, image from Google)

Both of these got me thinking a lot the last couple of days. One kind of leads into the other the more I think about it. Both of these to me, say a whole lot about determination. I guess you could say I am having quite a few light bulb moments since I have gotten this cold. Or maybe it started while watching Granny leave this world and pass on into the next, and it is just culminating here. What ever the trigger is, I hope it does not stop. I am rather enjoying these little epiphanies.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I find I can come up with a lot of excuses for not doing a thing I want to do. No space, no time, not the right supplies, I will do it later, I suck, I am not good at it, and on and on it can go. I find I do that the most with writing. I usually start with the idea of "I will write today." Then that turns into, well I need to have coffee first, check email and facebook, have more coffee. And then it goes into I will do it later, then it is I will do it after dinner. Which becomes I will squeeze in a few words before bed, to which I always say I will do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it is a rinse and repeat scenario and instead becoming a writer, I have become the person that dreams about writing.

Now yes it can be true that maybe the timing is not write or perhaps I am not truly ready. Or is it that I am just procrastinating my ass off and I am scared shit to fail. Some? All? But that is what I want to change, one of things anyway. I think it is kind of like having a baby. There is never a right time to have one. You never have enough money, enough space, enough security, enough knowledge. You can plan and plan and plan, and still it is not enough. Your book (MY BOOK) is your (MY) baby. It is time to jump in with both feet and get to work on it, what ever it might end up being.

I am determined to be a writer, even if I am never published. Sure that would be amazing, but I would just like to get my stories written. I want to be able to accomplish at least one of my dreams.

Which leads into the second quote about brick walls. I immediately started thinking about all the ones I have faced or am facing. Some are self imposed, like the lies I had been told all my life. They are designed to keep me from chasing after what I want. They are designed to stop me. So I have to ask myself, how badly do I want my dreams to come true? How determined am I to pursue them and make them realities?

We are about to enter into the final stretch of the year. I have not gotten a lot accomplished. Brick walls, self imposed or other wise have held me back. Lack of determination to fight to over come them has also held me back. So I ask myself, am I going to keep letting those lies and those brick walls get in my way? Or am I going to make a plan over the remainder of the year of how I am going to tackle those walls and those dreams of mine a reality?

I am going to chose to make a plan. I think I am going to need to find an accountability partner. Someone that I can share my ideas and plans with, someone that can kick me in the ass when I start slacking or letting those obstacles get the better of me. Or perhaps I can just put my big girl panties on, pull up my boot straps, and get my ass in gear. However this happens, I am not going to repeat this bullshit next year. 

Still Sick, But At Least I Got Some Words Down

I no longer feel like I have a Brillo encased rock in my throat which is fantastic. Now instead I have a cough that bounces between slightly wet and dry. Either way, it makes my chest feel like my twenty pound cat is sitting on it. I have no congestion to speak of, at least not in my sinuses which is a good thing too. I think, maybe, I hope.

So all this coughing and feeling crappy, led to me having a little pity party. And that is just fine. It is allowed sometimes. I whined, I complained, I may have moaned to myself about it here and there. Then I came across a couple of articles and quotes today that were like Cher in "Moonstruck" saying "Snap Out Of It!"

I made it a point today to sit and write, even when I wanted to close the program and go back to bed. Or binge on Netflix. Or go and play a game. I took a small break to watch today's episode of Outlander, then went right back to writing. Now I did not do it all in one big chunk. It took me all day to write the words that I did, but it felt good to do it and even better when I checked my totals and it was over thirty four hundred words.

See....I know I can do it when I set my mind to. Sometimes I give in too easily. But there were also days here last week where I had nothing to speak of because the words just would not come together. I suppose that is okay too. I can't force the words. And if sitting on it a few days means I get a burst of a few thousand words in one day, then I will take it. I will take them where I can get them.

On those days I have had trouble writing, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well I have been doing that in general. I seem to do that quite a bit around this time of year. I go inward, I reflect back on things I did or did not do, things I want to do. I have some ideas about writing that I want to give some serious thought. There are several things I want to really think about and check into. For now on some it, I think I will just make notes and look into them when I am feeling better.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better and hopefully I can add more words to my writing.

24 Days In And I'm Losing Steam

It is day twenty four of National Novel Writing Month and I am losing steam here. This week was just busy busy busy with Thanksgiving stuff. Then yesterday was of course the big turkey day. We tried to be festive but when you recently suffered a loss of a loved one it is hard.

We went around the table and shared a memory about Granny. It is their first holiday without her. And yesterday being eleven years to the day that I lost my own Grandma, I was not sure if I was going to make it through saying whatever I was going to say. Lucky for me I ended up last in the line and held my shit together to say something. I have only known her a short seven years. By the time I met her, dementia was taking hold. Luckily I got to see her on a lot of her good days, but I also saw how it was taking away her memories even in that short of time. I was glad to know that at the end she knew me and that is something I will hold in my heart.

It was really hard to hold it together yesterday though. There were so many times I just wanted to go off and  cry. But I did not do it, I kept it together. I can't decide if I should be angry because I did not cry or happy about it. Sometimes, it is hard to know.  What I do know is that if I did cry, I probably would have gotten other people crying which might have been a bad thing. And crying when you have a cold is even worse. So maybe just for yesterday, it was good that I did not cry.

So yeah, I think I have some sort of head cold thing going on. I knew I had been dancing with it on and off, it could not decide if it wanted to manifest or not. Of course, it has to decide to do so for Thanksgiving day! It sucked not being able to really taste all the delicious food. I mean I could taste but it was off. I tried to make a recipe my mother's mother used to make every holiday. Just a small batch to make sure I did not forget how. And of course, the cold messes me up and I can't tell if I got the flavor right. I am still eating it anyway damn it!! It tasted okay, but I think I did not put enough of something in it. Maybe more salt, maybe more mushrooms. Could have even needed more pepper. Really not sure.

Well this stupid cold is not even sure how it wants to be. Not really stuffy, not really coughing (until now, which is like a tickle and annoying). I wake up feeling like I have a rock wrapped with brillo in my throat, but after I get some fluids (coffee!) going, it does start to loosen and is not as bad. After a couple of hours that part usually does not even feel the same and I do not sound like a cartoon character.

But being under the weather, coupled with holiday events and missing loved ones is just making it really hard to write. I dunno, maybe I need to just push through and try to muster up words. I have fallen about six thousand words behind. I will need to write about twenty three hundred words a day for the next week to make goal and win. Part of me wants to say screw it and stay in bed and get better. Part me  wants to say quit being a pansy ass and just write. But what to do when the words will not come? 

All I can say for this moment, right now, it is time for some NyQuil and to dowse myself in Vicks Rub and try to sleep. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.

Day 21 Already!

We are already twenty one days into National Novel Writing Month. I have actually written every day! Most days it was on the fiction project every day, some days it all I could manage was the blog, sometimes both, and sometimes it was an either or on the fiction or fan fiction. On a couple of rare moments, it was even both of those. But still with all of that, I am about eight hundred words behind total goal. If I write about seventeen hundred words per day from now until the thirtieth I should finish with fifty thousand.

Tomorrow will be spent prepping dishes and baking pies for Thursday. Not all will be made by me, so I should be able to fit some writing in tomorrow. Today was shopping for ingredients. But it has been rainy and cloudy, so it is making me feel extra tired and foggy. I know I should not make excuses, but if I can't form words how can I write? Writing blah blah blah will not suffice, ya know what I mean.

I am actually both, looking forward to and dreading Thursday. I am anticipating all the great food we will be eating, but I also know how sad I will be that day. It will take all I have in me to get through it. I have considered giving myself the day off from writing. But at the same time, I do not want to do that because I have successfully written every day so far. Looks great on my graph on the NaNo website.

Even tonight, I though I will just go to bed. But then I thought better of it. Because again, I have written every single day. Whether I have written a lot or a little, I have still written. So even if I can't written fiction or fan fiction today, I can at least write a blog post. And so that is what I have done. But now I am even more tired, so I guess this is good night.

Good Night World :)

When Anxiety Strikes

I knew it was coming, the signs were there. I just did not make a connection right off. It started with my stomach being all weird. I thought it was something I ate at first. I did the check list of "did I have too much spicy food? too much greasy food? too much tomato based foods?" Nope, nope, and nope. But even the mildest foods made it buggy. So lots of Sprite, Ginger Ale, soup, and Rice with veggies was in order. Crackers and ranch dip seemed okay too. Sounds delish, right? Well, for those handful of days it was.

Then Tuesday I got hit with the feeling of a baby elephant sitting on my chest. My sternum hurt and deep breaths were not to be had. I started thinking and knew it was anxiety flare up. All the "ME TOO" stuff triggered me. Stuff I had buried and forgotten got churned up. Things I had not given much credence to back then I started to see in a new light. Even though I know I am in a safe place, I have been triggered and the first signs of anxiety attacks are rearing their ugly heads.

It is not fun. Every time I think it is finally waning, it flares back up again. I am trying my damnedest to keep it under control. There is not a whole lot I can really do to keep it at bay. If it wants to hit, it will hit. But I am paying attention and trying things with self care to see what might work.

It has effected my writing. I am about two thousand words behind target. When the pain and breathing difficulty started on Tuesday, that is when the word count took a hit. I have been out of focus, but trying to get back on track.

Until I looked at the calendar tonight and realized what date Thanksgiving was this year. Felt like the wind got taken out of my sails a bit. Thursday will be exactly eleven years to the day that my Grandma died. I mean Thanksgiving has been a rough day ever since she passed on it, but this is the exact date. Sometimes it is hard to believe she is gone eleven years already. Other times it feels like an eternity.

Thursday will be even more of a sad day around here with it being the first Thanksgiving that his Gramma won't be with us. She passed away last month, fifteen days after her 97th birthday. Holidays will not be the same without her here. Even with dementia she was still a little snarky spit fire of a lady.

Hospice grief support letter says you do not have to do things if you do not want to. If it is too much to do a holiday event, then do not do it. Or start a new tradition. In my opinion, you do not have to do normal. Do what is comfortable. Do what you are able.

When my Grandma died, I wanted to stop everything. I did not want to do Thanksgiving. But I had to. One, she made me promise to do it no matter what and Two, dinner was cooking in the oven. I did not want to do Christmas. But the girls were at the age where it was important for them. So we did Christmas. I did not send out cards to friends and family like I normally would have. It took all I had in me just do a family Christmas. The following year though, when I resumed sending cards. Many did not reciprocate. And the year after that, it was the same or worse with people not reciprocating. It felt like a slap in the face because I was grieving and could not bring myself to do "the normal". I make no apologizes! None at all! I did all I could handle without losing my shit that year.

It does not really get easier. You just learn to cope, adjust. Some times I ask myself why I even try to do National Novel Writing Month knowing full well what I will face emotionally that third week. I do not have a solid answer. But I have decided to stop using it as a reason not to write. She would not want me to give up or stop just because she died. And I do not think for one moment that if Granny knew I wanted to write a story that she would let me just fall into that dark space. She would probably tell me to put on my big girl panties, dry my eyes, and get to work.

These two women were less than a month apart in age. There was times I could have seen my Grandma and Granny being good friends if they had the opportunity to meet.

I know this week is going to be rough and I am already triggered and dealing with an anxiety flare up. But I have can't let it win. So I will blog, I will practice self care as best I can, I will talk if I need to. I will cry if I need to. And I will write! Write, write, write!

Still Writing

We are now half way through NaNoWriMo as of yesterday. IF you are going for the 50,000 you should have hit a word count of 25,000 by yesterday. I fell about 1500 words short of goal. The last  couple of days have been difficult to write. My main story I have been working on hit a wall because as of this moment, I still do not know where it is going! So I switched it up a bit and started working on something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now.

As you may or may not know, I play World of Warcraft. I started playing almost eleven years ago. The ability to play a Night Elf with white/silver hair and to be a druid who could study herbalism and alchemy appealed to the writer in me. I thought I could create the game character to inspire me to help my writing. I never expected to fall in love with the game, nor to meet some really good friends. I had never played an MMORPG before so I was very clueless on things.

A few years ago, I got the idea that I would like to write a story about a trio of us that became in game friends. We would quest and dungeon together everyday. Then one of them quit and losing them hit us both pretty hard and unexpectedly so. My idea was that he would get lost during a battle and we did not know what his whereabouts were. I still have some notes about that idea, but I never really ran with it. I still might though.

Then I got an idea a couple of years ago to maybe write a back story on my character. Like where she was born, how she became a druid, an alchemist, and an herbalist. I wanted to kind of write a story about her life leading up to where she is now, sort of. So that is what I started doing. Creating a story of my character's life. I thought it would be easy but I was wrong. It is not as easy as I thought it might be.

So for all that, being a Rebel and blogging as well as writing fiction (and a sort of fan-fiction) as of this moment, I am about 3200 words behind. I feel like I am losing steam, fizzling out. I do not know what to do about it! I can't force it, can't pull words out of thin air, sadly. So at this point I do not know what to do. The word count I do have is more than I have written in a year, so that is something positive. I will most likely do the only thing I can do and that is keep going. I refuse to give up!

Do You Ever?

Do you ever feel so silenced you think you are invisible?
Do you ever feel like any thing and every thing you say goes unheard?
Do you ever feel like everything you do goes unnoticed?

Unless of course it is something bad or contradictory and then EVERY ONE notices and hears it.

Do you ever feel like when you try to help, you only end up make things worse?
Do you ever feel like when you try to give advice on something you could write
a book about because "you've been there, done that" and people act like you don't know
jack shit about it?
Do you ever just feel helpless and useless and like what's the fucking point of trying if you
don't even matter?

Do you ever? Do you ever? DO YOU EVER?

I get so tired of trying to be seen and heard and acknowledge. I get so tired of being
silenced and invisible. I get so tired of being dismissed like I am stupid and I don't
know anything.

Maybe it's something.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's just past shit playing head games with me.

But there are times where I wonder if I just disappeared would anyone even notice I was gone.

You know, just pack a bag and go be a hermit in the woods kind of thing.

Old wounds fuck with you no matter how far passed them you think you have gotten.

It's That Time Of Year

It is that crazy time of year where people around the world participate in NaNoWriMo.  The event were new and seasoned authors write (or in some cases try to write) 50,000 words in 30 days. I am on year number thirteen! I have only one win.  The rules are a little more flexible than they were when I found out about it in 2005.  Which is pretty nice.  No more penalty for being a rebel if that is what you choose.

November has become a nemesis month of sorts for me. Losing my Grandma in the middle of my second attempt did that for me. So every year, it rears up its ugly head to haunt me.  Only once in thirteen years did I kick the nemesis in the ass with a win at almost 60,000 words.

Then this year, we lost my Beloved's grandma a couple of weeks ago. She had just had her 97th birthday earlier in the month and seemed to be doing so well.  It all happened so quickly, just like with my Grandma.  She was fine on her birthday and then a couple of weeks later she was gone.

I'm trying not to let death and grief win.  I want to figure out how to in some way use them to motivate me. Like I know I had my Grandma's support in my writing dream. And I'm sure Gramma would have supported me too if I had shared it with her.  I like to think she would have anyway.  She seemed to be that kind of lady.

I am not much of a plotter or planner when it comes to my writing. Most of the time I have barely a fragment of an idea.  This time I have the barest of bare details of a character. A setting I have had in my mind from a previous idea keeps coming to mind and my character seems to like it. I'm trying to figure out how to bring it to life in this story.

I can do this!  I know I can!  Even if I never publish, I know I can write a book regardless of if it's fantastic, utter rubbish, or some where in between.