Yesterday was a rough day. I spent the better part of it crying my eyes out. You my love, you know this. I'm sorry I've been pushing you away, I'm sorry I've been shutting you out. The distance is too much to bear, and the fear of living with "HIM", of what if I can't leave "HIM", of what if you can't ever be here...it's eating away at me.
I don't know how to explain what it's like. Other than, think of the fear as what Selim/Pride turned into when he was with Al holding him captive. That big ominous blackness with arm-like tentacles that held on to Al, and the more they fought Selim and cut one of there was another 'arm' to replace it. That's what the fear is like dark, gripping and then all consuming like Gluttony. Right about now, it feels like when Ed and Ling were inside Gluttony with no way out.
I want to trust you, I want to believe in you...believe in us. I just don't know how. I've been hurt and lied to so many times, I don't know if I can. I'm afraid to let the walls down with you...with anyone. I'm always second guessing what people do and say.
It scares me to stay here with "HIM" because I don't know how long "HE'll" stay civil/non-violent. You've heard "HIM" how "HE" talks to me, yells at me when "HE'S" pissed...how "HE" gets when all that's wrong in the world is my fault.
I just feel so alone, and the fear is creating such an all consuming darkness and it's pushing me deeper and deeper into the dark that I don't know how to find my way out. It feels like the fear will control me all my life...just like it has been.
I don't know how to fight the fear, how to fight the darkness. I don't how to find my way out. It's hard not to believe the things "HE'S" said to me over the years. It's hard to not see myself that way.
But I'm sorry for how I've been to you and I hope you can forgive me.
I have nothing to forgive as you did nothing wrong, I understand where the fear comes from so I can't blame you for having it.
ReplyDeleteThat said the first step to you trusting is just admitting that you have forgotten how and that you want to remember.
Just remember I am not the people of your past, I am me and I have no intention of becoming one of those from your past.