I want to wish all of you a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous and Magick filled 2010!
Some things I hope to accomplish for myself in the New Year in no particular order:
1. Get out of my current situation.
2. Write consistently, daily if possible but at least weekly.
3. Work on my family genealogy more.
4. Take at least the Certified Herbalist Course (online).
5. Take at least 1 online writing class or workshop.
6. Go to the Harry Potter Theme Park at Universal Studios, Florida
with the girls.
7. Read at least 1-2 books a month.
8. Get back to focusing on living healthier ie: cut out the Dr Pepper
and drink more water (better stock up on Life Waters), start doing
yoga again, take my vitamins.
9. Finish some crochet projects.
10. Do some more creative crafts.
11. Try to do monthly Dream boards, or at least make one to represent my
dreams for the year.
12. I wish I could travel a little bit, don't know where but just a wish. I so
want to take a trip to England.
I'm not really one to make resolutions because I usually don't stick to them. But
these are just some things I'd like to try to accomplish in the new year.
We're almost at the end of another year. Where did the time go? I sit here pondering the things I didn't do, the things I did, and what do I want to do in 2010.
One thing I do want to do, is get out of my current situation. It's not healthy for me emotionally and it can affect me and sometimes does affect me physically and mentally. It's not good for my girls either. I don't want another year of this rollercoaster for any of us. I don't know how I'm going to make that change just yet, but I do know it has to be done.
I also want to focus on my writing. I mean really focus on it. I don't know if I want to try and work on my original WiP or my new one, or if I want to look at working on a whole new project entirely. I have this idea poking around, I can see glimpses of it. But whenever I try to actually focus on it and wrap my head around it, it fades away.
I have come to the conclusion that part of the reason my Muse is silent is because of all the stress in my life. Living with "HIM", putting up with "HIS" shit. The holidays...missing my Grandma and my Dad. Wanting to be with my beloved. It's been 2 months since he's visited and it feels like forever. I miss him terribly.
In an effort to get more focused on my writing, I plan to find and participate in all the nano-like projects I can find. Like JanNo. And then there's WriYe. Which I believe is a year long writing project or challenge. Not completely sure, I'm still looking at that one. But that's the plan so far. Hopefully my Muse will end her hiatus from me.
Well, I'm a bit relieved. I guess its mostly because I didn't hear "THEM" after dinner was over and I made my escape to my room.
"SHE" made a comment that the girls were acting so silly and that one day they'd think back and realize just how silly they were. Implying they would regret it or that's how "SHE" was making it sound. I promptly told "HER" hey, they are kids they are supposed to be silly sometimes.
For the remainder of dinner, I realized "SHE" kept "HER" back to me the entire time. "SHE" turned in "HER" chair in such a way that "SHE" kept her back to me so "SHE" could watch TV. LMAO!
"SHE" left with out so much as a good bye, and that's fine by me. I'm just glad the day is over. I'll be glad when this year is over, too.
I really dislike the holidays at the moment. The longer I stay here with "HIM" the worse they are. On top of that, yesterday was 15 years that my dad past away. I miss him terribly. I wish he was here to see his granddaughters. I still remember the tears in his when he saw my oldest. She was only a 18 months old at the time, and he wanted so badly to play with her and pick her up. But he just didn't have the strength. He was so very weak. I would never have guessed that 3 months later he would be dead.
So, "HIS" sister is here. And "SHE" already has shit to say. First because Rosie and I didn't go rushing up to great her. We heard her saying "man she acts like she sees me everyday." Then our cat Gizmo was at the door looking for his dinner. And he was just so cute and fluffy at the door and I was talking to him telling don't worry Rosie's getting your dinner, and "SHE" goes man I don't think I've ever seen you so excited. Over a cat she can get excited. "SHE" is such a sarcastic bitch.
Over Thanksgiving, "SHE" left one of "HER" Christian movies here. And I guess one of the girls was going to watch it. And "HE" said oh one of the was watching it. "SHE" answers, "Well I hope she learned something from it."
"SHE'S" the type of Christian that crams the bible down your throat any chance "SHE" gets, preaching at you how you need to be saved, claim to love you, and then wouldn't think twice about stabbing you in the back when you aren't looking. "SHE" is such a fake. They both are. It's sick, it's annoying.
Dinner's been close to done for almost an hour or more I'd say. But we had to wait on her to arrive. "SHE" took "HER" sweet ass time getting here, and then makes this grand entrance and expects to be lavished with praises and then waited on hand and foot. And this is only the beginning...
I will probably have a vent post for the during and after dinner events. No doubt.
I just wanted to take a moment to wish every one a Happy Solstice and Blessed Yule.
I wish each and everyone of you many blessings. I hope all of your dreams and wishes come true.
Today it was gloomy, chilly, and pouring like mad most of the day. It was one of those days you just want to stay in bed snuggled deep in the covers. And considering the last few days haven't been the greatest, that's exactly what I wanted to do. But of course I couldn't do that, yet I wish I did.
The day started out normal enough, except for the rain. Then my youngest tried to ninja one of my shirts yet again. I told her she needs to stop taking my things without my permission and return the things that she'd already ninja'd from me. She got all pissy about it. So I yelled back at her that she should just take all my clothes then. Which I then proceeded to burst into tears and cried as hard as it was raining out side. She took the shirt and threw it on my bed and was like there hope you're happy, and walked out of my room. She hasn't spoken to nor looked at me all day. Even now, she still hasn't said a word.
Then to make my day even worse, "HE" calls and tells me that we have an appointment with the bankruptcy attorneys on Friday to file. So I casually asked what about the mortgage what's going to be done. "HIS" answer..."well they won't modify what we have and they won't negotiate. So we'll just file anyway. And see if I can't do some other modification with some one else in the mean time." I was stunned! WTF is "HE" thinking???? "HE's" going to gamble that they won't repo the house. The attorney already told "HIM" that there wasn't any guarantee that they wouldn't try to take it back. That they don't even have to reaffirm the loan we have now. If it was just the two of us I might not be so up set, but what about my kids? "HE" made a big speech that this is the only home the girls have know for the last 10 or 11 years and "HE" doesn't want to give it up, but yet "HE's" done nothing to make sure that it won't get lost.
If they decide they want us out, I have no place to go. I have no job, no money, no friends. My family well 1) is out of state and 2) won't help anyway. I will not live with "HIS" sister again. NO WAY!! And "SHE" is in the process of looking at filing herself. What the hell am I supposed to do??
If "HE'd" have taken care of things 10 months ago when we first saw the attorney and done what they said to do we might not be in this position. But "HE" took "HIS" sweet old time about everything. And now because "HE" got served by some creditors, NOW "HE" wants to do something, and still didn't do much to secure the house. Other than read some websites and look over a couple of applications.
I just want out of this house, out of this marriage. The marriage was over a long time ago, even my grandma I think saw that. But still I tried to make it work to no avail. I want to just start fresh with my girls. Without "HIM" in the picture. I know I can't keep "HIM" out of their lives but you know what I mean. I just don't know what to do.
So, it's December 1st and NaNoWriMo has come to an end. I barely hit 5,000 words. I'm disappointed in myself that I let "HIM" and just stuff stress me out to the point I couldn't think. One of these years I will proudly sport a "WINNER" button on my blog. Maybe 2010? If I plot, plan, research now and continue until then...just maybe.
I mean there was even a point after a read a preview of a new series I want to check out that I actually started to feel the creative juices brewing. I heard the gears squeak in resistance at first, I saw a real glimpse of my Muse. But then..."HE" happened and yea...everything froze. The ideas, the creative juices...poof...gone.
Try as I might, I can't seem to do anything while I'm under the same roof with him anymore. I feel like I can't breathe, like I can't live, I can't be me, I can't do the things I want to do...need to do. I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating while I'm under "HIS" roof.
I'm going to call it "HIS" home or under "HIS" roof because this doesn't feel like home to me. It hasn't felt like my house or my home for a very, very long time now.
But some how, some way I have to find a way to write, to create, to breathe again.
