Random Thoughts, Sorta

I've been reading the responses to my posts on writing things that will end up getting really emotional. And I want to thank you all for your support and encouragement. It just kind of scares me to sit and think about things, especially the things I tried and keep trying so hard to forget.

I haven't been able to write anything these last few days, not even stuff about me which should be somewhat easy. The last few days have been stressful, trying, and just plain frustrating. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had a splitting headache that even an Advil just wasn't going to fix.

As some of you may have read in my previous posts, "Him" and I have been separated for almost 2 years. Though due to circumstances, I've had to remain living under the same roof with "Him". I have no friends down here, no family, no job (and I have tried many times in the last 2 years to get a job with no luck at all). Heck, my family doesn't even know of my circumstances. And if they did, they wouldn't help. He's manipulative, emotionally abusive, perhaps even mentally abusive.

Well, now we are facing bankruptcy. We went to see an attorney about it back in January. She gave "Him" a list of things "HE" had to do. One of which was IF "HE" wanted to keep the house and reaffirm it, "HE" had to negotiate with the mortgage company to do so. We are currently a month and half behind on regular payments and in the midst of a 6 month hardship program. And what pray tell did "He" do in all this time? NOTHING! Now, I've got judgements coming in against me, "HE" still wasn't motivated. But now that he's got some starting to come in on "HIM"...You know the friendly knock at the door that you're being served by a creditor. Now "HE'S" motivated. Now "HE" wants to try to work on reworking the mortgage. Which I'm not even supposed to be on! Because I'm not on the title to the house! Which I specifically questioned when "HE" applied for this refinance back in '03! That the company put me on even though I DO NOT own the house. They baited "Him" and "He" took it, hook and all. And IF "He" doesn't do something to make sure the house is secure, and we file the bankruptcy, we could lose the house. Which means me and my girls will have no place to go.

And when the lawyer was stressing how important it is that "He" get this house thing taken care of like NOW! "He" was like yea okay, I'll work on it this weekend and if I can't reach anyone then I'll do it Monday. And if they won't work with us, then we'll just find a new place to live. I don't think "He" really gets it. "He" seriously thinks someone is just going to be like okay so yea your credit is shit, you got foreclosed, and you're in bankruptcy...sure you can rent from us. UH...news flash...it's not gonna be that simple.

I just don't know what to do. And the kicker in all this as "He" was attempting to fill out an application with an organization that helps you save your home from foreclosure, is that "He" tried to blame me for this fuck up in a way. "HE" went to this company. "HE" applied. "HE" had them add me. "HE" only said I'm going to ask them about an addition to my line of credit and two weeks later they're talking about refinancing and consolidating and "HE" adds me into this and now I'm stuck on it. When I questioned things, what I thought were red flags, "HE" dismissed me as "HE" always does. So here we are 7 years later and it's all a fucking mess.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I maxed out all my credit cards to keep things like the basics on, to keep insurances going, to buy groceries. All "HE" ever did was make empty promises. And now I'm facing bankruptcy and possibly not having a place to live. And to make things even worse..."HE's" been walking around the last few days all happy go lucky, humming and smiling like "HE" doesn't have a care in the world. Twenty years I've lived with and been married to this man, and for a good number of them "He's" belittled me, blamed me, took away my independence, alienated me from everyone and everything I've ever known, made me to feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, worthless...And then tells me things like I'm doing that to myself, that I'm making myself feel that way not "Him".

And I wonder why my Muse is so silent. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't breathe. If the house is lost, I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go. This is not what I wanted for my girls. This is not how I wanted my life or their life to be.

Sorry my dear readers for the wall of venting. I thank you all for just letting me vent. I thank you all for the words you've left in response to my other posts. You all while are strangers in cyberspace, are very much appreciated by this lost wandering soul.

Bright Blessings to you all