I Pushed, Now I'm Paying

I hurt.  Hurting in ways I haven't before.  Someways, some of the pain that is familiar is worse.  Others are new to me.


I pushed myself for the holiday and I knew I would pay for it.  I had to.  I had to make the sides and clean up.  I had to make my desserts for the dessert day and clean that up too.  Now, I'm paying for it. 

I don't regret it one bit.  I enjoyed the cooking and the baking.  I love to do both.  Okay I hate the clean up!!!  I knew it was going to bite me in the ass, I just didn't know how bad.

Pain between the shoulders and down my breastbone.
Lower back and tail bone, some moments they are the worst of it.
My hips because of the back.  If I am laying down, my leg tries to go numb and tingly.
My hands.  If they don't hurt, then they tingle.  Or worse, they try to cramp up on me.  So don't ask me to open a jar, it might not end well LOL.  (have to laugh or I'll cry.)
Now today, my thighs hurt too.  But it feels like the bones, not the muscles.  I don't know how to explain it.
Then there's that spot on my shin that I whacked on the dishwasher door 4 years ago.  If it doesn't hurt, then it itches, or both.
Feet keep trying to cramp up too.

I have to vent here because no one understands.
Taking pain meds does nothing. And I refuse to go on any prescription meds.  I'd rather hurt than
risk all the side effects.

You know what else I hate....that I can't do the things I love without pain.  I love to cook.  I love to bake.  But standing more than 5 minutes and I've got pain shooting down my spine.  I love to browse stores and shop, even if it's just window shopping.  Too much walking and my back and legs feel like they are on fire.

I caved last night and was in bed by 7.  I laid on the heating pad, which feels great until I try to get up and then I'm stiff and feel like I was hit by a truck.  But I caved and did it anyway.  I binged a few episodes of Downton Abbey.  And you know what?  I felt guilty for every moment I was there.  For me self-care = guilt. 

Sitting here to write hurts like crazy.  My back and hips and thighs are all screaming at me.  But even thinking of laying down, I feel the guilt rising.  And so I don't listen to what my body is telling me to do.

Even so, if I had to do it all over again so that we had a good thanksgiving.......I WOULD!

Not According To Plan

All in all, I think it was a good day (to a point).

I pushed through my pain to make sure we had all of our side dishes for dinner.  Momma T made the salad the night before while at the dining table.  She can't stand for long, she's 3 1/2 weeks out from a full knee replacement.  And I had her do the same to prep the sweet potato casserole as I can get heavy handed with the butter :D   Sister #2 and her honey made the turkey and 2 smoked turkey breasts. 

I was feeling a bit down because I wish I knew how to make my maternal Babci's stuffing.  She passed when I was 11.  Even though I was there every time she made it, I never really caught on to all the steps and so I don't really know how to make it.  There is no one to ask, because I think it was just one of those things no one thought to needed to know.

We all sat down to eat, it was enjoyable. Everyone was talking and eating and having a relatively peaceful meal.  Until some unexpected guests walked in.  No hey we're on our way.  No hey did you guys eat your dinner yet.  NOTHING!  Then they proceeded to watch us eat.

It was like someone dumped a bucket of water on our meal and no one could finish.  It was funny in a non comical way to watch everyone one by one try to take another bite and then slowly put their fork back down.  It felt like being in a store's holiday window display.  It was very uncomfortable and unnerving.   After a bit, we all just kinda gave up trying to finish our meal.

Plates got cleared. And the table mostly vacated.  Attention turned to the unexpected guests.  I am thoroughly impressed with how everyone held their tongues and didn't cause a ruckus.  Even though most were on slow simmer.

First we've seen them in almost a year.  None of them even asked Mom how she was feeling or how she was recovering.

It was all just awkward and uncomfortable.  But at least it all came and went without incident.

At least there's leftovers we can enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I was trying to find a photo to use, but I can't seem to find what I was looking for.  All the pictures I take and I can't find a good thanksgiving one!

Anyway.....

It will be a quiet dinner at our house.  A couple of the sisters are coming over.  Sister #2 is making the turkey(s), we'll be making the sides.  Saturday will be dessert day wherein all the siblings will be here except for Big Brother as he lives out of state.


I just wanted to take a moment to wish all my readers and followers a HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Have a wonderful day!

I'm Back....I Think

Well, I sort of feel human again.  But not quite 100%.

I came down with that cold going around about three weeks ago.  After a week of it, I started to feel a bit better so I went out.  I wanted to go to a particular craft store before Mom T. had her knee surgery.  And I wanted to make sure I got to go early vote. Which we did!  Thankfully.

I ended up getting worse after going out and was even "sick" if you can call it that on my birthday this past Sunday.  Made the best of it though. I got a bunch of Sloth themed stuff which made my day.

I still have this dry-ish cough and my ears feel like I am underwater.  My chest and back, between my shoulders, hurt from all the coughing.  Though that could also be part of the chronic pain or both.  It's a bit hard to tell honestly.

I have been working at keeping my fluids up.  I have drunk so much water in the last couple of weeks I'm surprised I'm not waterlogged! LOL

I gave up soda about two moths ago? Did I tell ya?  The craving it is getting better.  Even with three twelve packs about four feet away, I haven't really been tempted.  I've switched to the flavored seltzers and sparkling waters. Being under the weather, even that didn't sound great.  BUT....when I was out a couple of weeks ago, I had a chance to try one of those health chairs in Walmart that check BP and weight and such.  And according to it, I lost 4 pounds!  And all I did was quit soda!  Who knew?!  I probably did, but SODA! 

My friend wants me to ditch the seltzer and sparkling waters too.  She says the carbonation is bad for your bones.  I dunno.  I like them.  And I have several cans to drink.  I can't just give those up right now because I'm the only one who even drinks them.  Maybe I'll give it some research and thought.


Speaking of thoughts.  I feel like turning 49 has triggered something in me.  Like why do I keep holding on to things and people. Especially people that I feel like couldn't give two shits about me.  Or people that still make me feel like I have to fit into a certain box for them.  Why do I keep trying to figure out how be accepted by people who I have never felt I was accepted by in the first place? Am I saying that right?  I dunno.   I just feel like there are people I hold on to for one reason or another, that don't even give me a passing thought.  I'm having a lot of "I was there when you needed me but that's the only time you know/knew me" type feelings.  Maybe it's just a partial OMG next year I'll be 50! thing too....I dunno. 


NaNo started yesterday. And this post is the most I've written.  Great start eh?  It's all good, it's early and there's plenty of time to catch up.

Mom T. had her knee replacement surgery on Monday.  So I've been busy helping take care of her and staying on top of her pain meds and such.  She's doing quite well.  In some ways, I think she is doing better than her surgery in January. We have already noticed some differences in the procedure between then and now.  Also her recovery seems better in many ways this time around.  Monday is the first post op appointment so well get an idea of how things are going.

Another chilly fall day with wind in the forecast and the rain has started.  At least it's not dark and dreary, at least not yet.

Have a great Friday!