Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Just Like That, She Is Gone

At around 10AM (EST), I received another call from the hospital.  It was a nurse practitioner that was seeing my mother for the first time.  She was not responding to treatment.  Her white count was dropping, her BP was still falling despite the fluids.  Now she had sepsis.  The NP wanted me to consider them taking her off the BIPAP mask/machine.  Then lo and behold she found a health proxy in my mom's chart where she had named my aunt the proxy.  At that point, anything I wanted or thought no longer mattered.  The NP said she would take my wishes into consideration but it was now up to my aunt.  She then hung up and proceeded to call my aunt. 

At just after 1PM (EST) my aunt called.  "She's gone," my aunt said.  I was stunned.  "Already, now?" I asked.  She said yes.  She got to the hospital, touched her hands and legs they were ice cold she said.  Told me she leaned in and told my mother she was there.  The BIPAP machine then beeped once, twice, then stayed a steady beep.  A nurse came in and check for vitals.  But she was dead. 

It was fast.  Faster than I even thought.  The NP actually confirmed she was end stage.  And pretty much everything was going to start failing.  I knew it was probably going to happen quickly, I just didn't think it was going to be a couple of hours.  It is probably better.  She did not suffer at the end.  She never had to endure the chemo that would have only prolonged the inevitable. 

I don't know exactly how I feel.  I am sad.  Sad for all that she missed out on with my girls.  Sad that she was so selfish and toxic.  In the end, she had really no friends left.  No one but my aunt visited her at the hospital, except a couple from the senior center.  They only visited once and never went back. 

I'm not angry.  I haven't been angry at her or about her for a long time.  My heart aches for what she missed out on.  She died not even knowing that she also had to grandsons and two great grandsons from my sister.  I knew, but because she chose to cut me out of her life I never got to tell her. 

I really can't find the words to express how I feel right now.  Relief and sadness mostly.  I just hope that she now finds the peace and rest she could not find in this life.


  1. I am sorry for your loss. No matter how our moms may have treated us, it still hurts to see them go. My prayers are with you at this time.

    1. Thank you Mary. You are so right. I'm just relieved she didn't suffer.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and I have so much empathy for you, considering this is probably what will happen with my father one day.

    *Hugs* to you and wishing you a full emotional recovery as you process your myriad thoughts and feelings.

    1. Thank you Wendy. I truly hope with all my heart that one day your father will come around.
      While it hurts us for what they do, it hurts even more how it ends up affecting our children. I think therein lies where my true healing needs to be.