Friday, February 14, 2014

How Do I Find My Authentic Self?

So, if you've been reading along this year you know that for this year I chose the words "Emerge" and "Authentic Self".  Essentially I want to emerge as my authentic self this year.   Truth be told, I haven't done much in the way of doing anything about it.  Well, all week, I mean seriously no joke! all week the Universe has been throwing these words at me everyday.  If it wasn't one it was the other.  First it was in oracle card posts on Facebook, then it was a blog post by Dominee.  Next was by Julie the teacher this week in 21 Secrets Live.  Then yesterday MORE oracle card posts on Facebook, today too!  Then a blog post by an artist. 

I mean seriously?  The Universe is REALLY trying to get my attention here!  Don't you think?  I get it!  I hear you!  BUT................

How?  How do I find my authentic self?  How can I emerge, if I don't know where to start?  HELL...I don't even know who my authentic self is.

I'm too shy, too afraid, too everything.  I see people I love being hurt (emotionally) by themselves or some one who is supposed to love them and I sit back quietly and say nothing.  Oh I run a whole dialogue in my head of what I would say if I had the balls, but I don't.  I am afraid of saying anything to anyone on any subject because I am afraid of offending them.  I second guess that it isn't my place to speak up. 

I think maybe, part of that stems from all growing up I was told "children should be seen and not heard".  When ever I tried to speak up, about ANYTHING I was either told that phrase or not acknowledged.  As I grew older, still trying to find my voice I found people would talk over me or cut me off and start talking as if I weren't even there.  Or yet still...ignore me.  When I married, the Ogre and his family pretty much did the same thing to me.  By then, I was also made to feel I was too dumb or stupid to have an opinion or know what I was talking about.  All my life, even now I have felt invisible. 

Also all growing up and even after I was married I was told "You can't"  As I child, I went through the phases of "I want to be a nurse" or "I want to be a teacher".  In return I got "You can't be a nurse you hate needles and the sight of blood."  "You can't be a teacher because you hate school."  (In my defense, Catholic school was no picnic!  Those nuns...some of them are down right MEAN!)  When I wanted to go to college and was looking at NYU, I got "why do you want to do that, it's a waste of time.  you don't need that piece of paper."  In the end, I attended LaGuardia Community College.  I started out with business management.  I was doing well with all my classes until it came time for algebra.  UGH...I suck at it, I just can't do it.  The Ogre claimed to be a wiz at it and would gladly help me when the time came.  And guess what...when that time came, he put me down and wouldn't help.  He said I was stupid for not knowing how to do algebra.  I decided to change majors at that point.  He didn't like that either.  I wanted my degree to be in business management so I could supposedly help run his business at the time.  I guess I was too stupid otherwise.  He eventually made some bad decisions against my advice and the business failed. 

I could go on and on about such things...but that isn't the point.  The question remains How do I find and emerge as my authentic self, if I don't know who that is.  I am too fearful to act or speak.  I am always worried about everyone else and how they will feel or what they will think.  I am afraid of offending people.  I am afraid of voicing my opinions or acting on my ideas.  I hate it when I do start to use my voice and I get the "oh there she goes, getting on her soap box."  So I keep my mouth shut.  I have NO FUCKING CLUE who my authentic self is! 

So tell me oh great wondrous Universe, if I picked such great words that you feel the need to throw them at me everyday how the hell am I supposed to do this?  How do I find my authentic self?  and then How do I emerge as such? 


  1. The Ogre delighted in keeping you down just as my ex did with me. I, too, grew up in a home where I was never heard and as I entered my teenage years, belittled by the very woman who was supposed to love me. I'm a lot older than you and can tell you now, you are not going to find your Authentic Self in a year. It takes lots and lots of work. In fact, I have really not gotten there yet. Begin with positive affirmations and talking about your pain as much as you can. I am here for you.

  2. I wanted to add that you should not be disappointed if it doesn't happen as soon as you want. Just keep working on yourself and it will all come in time.