First off, Happy birthday to my Beloved. My life just wouldn't the same without you in it. You make everything better, you make me a better person. I'm so glad you found me. I love you babe!
Thank you Mary for your comments on my previous post. You always have wise, sage advice and words to offer. I know finding myself won't be instant, or happen in a year. But I hope that I can at least begin to find the path amidst the weeds that will lead me in the right direction to finding my authentic self and being well...me.
And now for my rant: UGH! God damn this woman! God damn the first hospital she was in, even the home. There is no health proxy on my mom. No directive. No living will. NOTHING! She's been in rehab for recovery from her stroke last year for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I get a call at 5AM local time from the ER that she was brought to the hospital in respiratory distress/labored breathing, a low BP and fever. They said she is weak and tired so they felt unable to get any info from her. They called my aunt first, but she couldn't/wouldn't make any decision. So she gave them our number when they asked if she had any other family.
The ER doc was very nice and empathetic. He was telling me how he felt my mom was too weak to handle/survive being inter bated. And if they did manage to, and she pulled through she might not hand being taken off it. So then the questions of what are her wishes in this kinda situation. HELL IF I FUCKING KNOW!!!!! I told him that but much more nicely, I promise. I explained to him we haven't spoken in over 15 years and even before that she never said anything about such things. I told him I would call my aunt and ask if she know or at least find out what was on record from the other hospital. That's when he said he spoke to her and she said she didn't know and didn't want to make a decision. WELL FUCK!
He said he was going to back and finish working my mother up and while I called my aunt to try and figure shit out. Came to find out that the other hospital, neither time she was there ever offered or had her sign a health proxy or living will. Apparently the home hadn't either. My aunt didn't find out until a meeting at the home last week that my mother even had the pancreatic cancer and that it metastasized to the liver.
The doc said I needed to decide on a DNR/DNI/Full Code. WELL FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! Well initially I needed to decided if I wanted them to place her on a mask or not. But he kept advising against the inter-bation . I consented to the mask it was the logical thing to do, she was in distress. I then called my aunt and that's when I found out there's no proxy, no directive, nothing! SHIT! This was more of a fact finding call then anything else. After that call, I received a call from the admitting doctor. She's a fast talker with heavy accent. Well now she wants to know what if anything was decided and of course is asking for more details as to why my mom was in the home and why she was at the other hospital. So things I knew others I didn't. Now she's wanting my decision on the whole if my mom stops breathing or goes into cardiac arrest.
I am truly at a loss. She too is advising against them inter bating my mom. Her body won't handle it they say. Xrays were inconclusive for pneumonia but they are treating her with antibiotics because there is an infection somewhere. Again she asks about the DNR/DNI, again she advises against inter bating. So I agree to the DNI, it's the logical choice right? She can't handle being put on it or taken off it. That alone could kill her. Then she is asking me if I want them to do compressions if her heart stops. I ask more questions and how long would they try that. She answers them, I more or less understand what she says but her accent makes it difficult. She then advises against compressions because of her fragile state and it could cause broken ribs, punctured lung, and a variety of other things. Initially I tell her to go with compressions.
Then...THEN...she says what about the DNR? Wait, what? I just said do the DNI! Now she's saying the go together or some shit. Now I'm confused. I don't understand how that's possible if I had to pick one or the other. AND if you're not going to inter bate, and you're only going to try compressions for 20 minutes...then that should be the end of it if she doesn't come around. But NOOOOOO! She persists about the DNR. I tell her I need to speak with my aunt. She asks if my aunt has proxy.
I tell this lady doc look I haven't talked to my mother in over 15 years by her choice. She cut me out of her life. She never spoke of these things not before that, not now. Ever to any one. I don't know what she wants. And no my aunt doesn't have proxy because it was never offered/mentioned at the other hospital. I'm getting frustrated. She keeps pushing for a decision. Tells me she will let me call my aunt but needs to know ASAP. She's critical she's says. *SIGH!*
At this point I feel like I am being backed into a corner and basically guilted into make a decision that is not mine to make. Thank the gods for my Beloved and his calmness, his level headedness, his familiarity and experience having worked as a care giver. With his logic and explanations, he helped me through this part. Called my aunt back and told her what was up. We both agreed that my mom has placed us in quite the pickle! I told her about my discussion with my Beloved and we all agreed that going with the DNR considering the cancer would be the choice to make.
When I last spoke with the admitting doc yesterday, she was on a bipap machine for the oxygen, being treated with antibiotics, and getting floods for the dehydration and low BP. We also changed it to DNR.
I am so grateful to my Beloved for being who he is and helping me navigate through all of this shit. I have had several people say I need to go up there and see her or at least call and talk to her before it's too late. To try and make amends. First of all...you don't know this woman and how she is. Second of all, she hasn't asked to see or talk to me. I have nothing to make amends for. I came to terms with her cutting us out of her life a long time ago. She made her choices. That might sound cold but she did. Would I like to know why, yes. Would it change anything, no. Would seeing her or talking to her change anything, no. What's done is done, she did what she did. She made her choices.