Writer's Workshop with MamaKat

Once again I'm doing one of MamaKat's writing workshops. I decided on doing two topics again. Her prompts are:


The Prompts:

1.) If You Give A Mom A Moment...

2.) What's the message you would craft

3.) Your Fall favorites.

4.) If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

5.)If you could only focus on three things in life and pursue them fully, leaving everything else, what would they be and why?

I'm going to start with #3. My fall faves would have to be the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the fall harvests of Pumpkins and gourds. Halloween and my birthday (although I want to secretly forget my birthday this year, LOL as I turn 40!). I've always loved that my birthday was 3 days before Halloween :D.

And then #4. We have a cat named Gizmo and another one that's sort of adopted us named Smidgin. She just comes to visit, we're her "other" family she actually is the neighbor's cat. But since they are both outdoor cats I'd probably ask them the same questions: Where do you go roaming around? What do you see? How do you view humans, do we take care of you well enough? Have you made any other "friends" in your travels? Why do you and Smidgin always act like you hate each other when we know you both get along when we aren't looking? What do cats dream about?

Wishcast Wednesday and I'm late again

Better late than not at all, I suppose. But my excuse is good...I've been working on my daughter's costume for an Anime convention she is going to. I was so wrapped up in cloth and pattern that time got away from me to post yesterday.

Once again Jamie asks what we wish for, this week is "How do you wish to stretch?" So, this as always, got me thinking.

I wish to stretch out of my comfort zone. I wish to stretch myself beyond what people have made me believe I am, to what I am truly to be...to who I really am (and not what they want who they want me to be). I wish to stretch my learning, to fill myself with the knowledge I need to pursue my hopes in dreams. I wish to stretch my muse, and write the story that keeps eluding me every time I catch a glimpse of said Muse.

These are just the ones that seem to stand out in my mind and scream the loudest.

What do you do when standing up for yourself doesn't work?

Okay, so like I still, due to circumstances at the moment, have to live with my not soon enough to be Ex. This makes daily life challenging to say the least as he's in denial and doesn't believe we need to get divorced.

But any way, our neighbors decided to do a yard sale this weekend, and he gets wind of it and has this bright idea we need to do one too. (Navigating my garage is interesting to say the least) He tells me this on Monday that we're now having a garage sale on Saturday. So he tells me to go through things to sell, alot of which is my grandma's. (She lived with us for 5 years, and passed away Thanksgiving Day 2006 so alot of stuff is hers that I've just not felt the need to part with yet or its been to hard to sort through...but anyway). I didn't do what he asked, because I just didn't think or want to do something like this on short notice. And what did he do to prepare all week? NOTHING! NOT A DAMNED THING!! Not until Friday night, when he pulled together a few things all of which were mine or things my grandmother left to ME! Nothing not one thing (ok well 2 things) were his!

Now, I'm pmsing in a MAJOR way. And Saturday morning, I'd had enough. Him being all Mr. Sunshine and oh so proud he was trying to sell mine and my gramma's things was just too much. So I told him the next time he wants to sell stuff that isn't his, he needs to check with me first. And he's answer was I told you to get ready for it and you didn't so I did it for you. I shot back, she was my grandma and you don't get to decide what of hers goes, that's my place. And well one thing led to another and it got heated.

I went on to tell him what he does. How his words hurt, and how he's made me feel. What he's made me think of myself. How he doesn't take into account anything I have to say even when it comes to decisions about our daughters. I told him I didn't want her to go on a trip to FL, he decided against my wishes that she was going and sent her. He then told me that he doesn't do anything to me, that I MAKE MYSELF FEEL THE WAY I DO! It has nothing to do with him. That I do all this to myself!!!!!

I've told him more than once I want a divorce. He doesn't want one. I can't move out, I have no place to go right now, no job, and no money. He's also told me if I leave, I can't have my children. That they'd have to stay with him. And if I tried to leave with them, he'd have me declared unfit and arrested for kidnapping! So if I want to be with my children and see them, he said I have to stay! I have a separate room, I've not been with him for 2 years. OH! And he told me I have to stay at least until the younger is 18!! That's 5 years!!

He wants me to subject myself to his belittling, ridiculing, hurtful words, constantly criticizing for 5 years! And now he does it to them too. He's called my youngest fat when she's not. My older wants to study photography and be a writer, he tells her those are nice hobbies but they won't pay bills, what are you gonna do for a "real" job? I can't even begin to list the half of what he's said or done to me. But it's 20 years worth!

I feel like most days, I have no way out. That I'm stuck living this life. And when I try to stand up to him, it's all my fault that I feel how I do. He does no wrong in his eyes. All the problems are my fault. I could never make him happy with anything I did, he put me down for everything, and still does. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I Will NEVER Forget 9/11/2001

~Magickal Graphics~




September 11, 2001 is a day I will never forget. None of should ever forget what happened that day.

It was a beautiful sunny September morning. I was at my grandmother's in Brooklyn, New York. I had just spent the last 3 weeks sorting through and packing what she wanted to take after living in the same apartment for 37 years. She was taking a flight with me in 2 days, to live with me in Georgia. She turned on her radio as she did every morning to listen to the weather. She was about to go get her hair done for the last time by her long time beautician. And to say her good byes to some friends that always had their hair done the same day.

But instead of the weather, we heard a report of pluming black smoke coming from one of the Twin Towers. I told her something isn't right, something is very wrong. I flipped on her TV, and to our horror we saw the tragedy that had begun. As we sat watching, we saw the second plane approaching. All I could do is stand in her kitchen staring at the TV saying move, move you're going to hit the other tower and trying to "wave" the plane away as it struck the second tower. The first I could almost believe an accident, but the second, that would be impossible for both to be accidental.

And so we sat, glued to her TV for the rest of the day and night watching the horrors unfold and the reports of the Pentagon crash and the crash of Flight 93. The events that followed that day, the collapse, the smoke I saw creeping over roof tops heading towards where we were. The dead eerie silence of not a single air craft heading to LaGuardia or JFK to land, I remember it all. The following day, with only the sound of fighter jets, a pair flying over head. I never in my life thought I would see such a day.

Of even more significance to me, that morning my daughters and I were supposed to be there. Down by the towers. I had planned a little trip to see the towers, Trinity Church, and South Street Seaport. We never made it there that morning. As fate would have it, we spent the night awake because my oldest had a really bad nose bleed that she was afraid to sleep and was up every few minutes thinking it had restarted. I still sometimes think about what if I was there with my then 5 and 8 year old girls. It scares me!

I remember growing up, walking to school every morning and seeing the Twin Towers in the distance just over the river. If I had walked down to the corner (about 5 houses from my grandma's apartment) I could have watched the tragedy as it happened instead of on TV. But I couldn't bring myself to go out the door. We were only about 3-5 miles from the scene, about a 15-20 minute train ride away.

We didn't get to leave that Thursday, but instead we left on Saturday. Our flight was the only one to come in from and return to Georgia. The flight literally let off its passengers refueled and turned back around. It was a full flight. As we were about to take off a helicopter decided it would land in our path. As we were about to land, a private plane decided to land in our path, just as we were about to touch down our pilot had to abort the landing and make the plane take back off is the only way to describe it. After he circled and was recleared to land, we touched down and the entire plane erupted in applause for our pilot and crew bring us down safely.

No, I will never forget September 11th.

Wednesday's Wishes

Ok, well it's Thursday for me now, but still :D.

Jamie wishcast challenge of the day is "What do you wish to learn?"

There's so much, I don't even know where to start. But I should keep it small, and as things are learned replace them with new ones. So here are somethings to start with:

1. To learn how to let go of the past hurts.
2. To learn how to knit.
3. To learn how to really sew on my sewing machine.
4. To learn the craft of writing and story telling.
5. To learn what my purpose is in life, what am I supposed to be doing.
6. To over come fear(s).

I think for now, I'll just leave it at that. Some of those lessons will be hard enough.

Got to thinking about one of my wishes

I read the comments back and there was a recurring response to my wish to start my life over. It got me thinking. And I felt I need to clarify what I meant.

I don't mean I want to start over, from the being without any of that bad stuff that happened. All of it good and bad makes me who I am, for better or worse. When I say start over, I mean in the now. I can't change the past, but I can make a choice of what or who I want influencing my life in the future. I can choose to not have these negative people in my life. I can choose to not listen to them when they spew their ugly venom (easier said than done but you know). I can't remove the demons that whisper or scream their haunting words at me, but I can start to try to not listen to them.

If I started my life over, I'd not have my two girls. I wouldn't know what its like to have them in my life. With out them, life is empty. They are my reason for living.

I can't go back in time. I can't change the past. I can't change history. But I can move forward and start to live my life my way. And I can surround myself with the people I want in my life.

Wishcasting Wednesday

I seem to find myself wishing alot of things lately. So this Wednesday's theme couldn't have come at a better time I suppose.

Jamie Ridler posted this I guess you would call it a challenge. Well for me it is because I have a hard time wishing for anything, especially for myself as they rarely, if ever come true for me.

But anyway...Here go my wish(es):

1. I wish to write, I wish I could find my muse, that she would stop eluding me and let me finish my WiP, and start on the other that is floating around the deep recesses of my muddled mind.

2. I wish to begin finding myself, who I am, I mean really am. Not the scared, doubting mixed up person the negative people in my life made me to be.

3. I wish to travel.

4. I wish to start my life over, with out the negative people in it. With out the demons that tell me I'm not good enough, the ones that tell me I'll never amount to anything.

5. And most of all...I wish my Prince Charming was here. He's working so hard to save up and move here. The distance, the waiting is so hard for both of us.