My Inner Goddess Perhaps?

The goddess of moon and magic
Just as the goddess Hekate was assosiated with both moon and magic, you are a magician in your own way.
You are smart and a dreamer.
Colour: Purple
Animal: Cat
Symbol: Circle
Element: Earth

Your result for The Past Life Regression Test...

The Author

25% Explorer, 0% Pirate, 14% Engineer, 27% Philosopher, 63% Teacher, 13% Clergymen, 43% Doctor, 40% Artist, 0% Warrior and 64% Author!

You were once a great author. You are able to put all of your thoughts down on paper, very clearly. You are very meticulous with the words you choose to say. You are more introverted than most. You are most likely pursuing a career in the liberal arts.

Take The Past Life Regression Test at HelloQuizzy

I've often wondered...But now I know...

So many times I've wondered if finding your soulmate was possible or was it just some fantasy term people made up. I now know that it is possible... Because I have found mine, well actually he found me.

I'd given up on love, finally coming to the conclusion that there was no one out there for me. That I was destined to be alone. I had just broken up with a guy I'd been dating for almost 9 months. It was a relationship with no signs of going any where but up, no fighting, we got along well. So it hit me incredibly hard when he suddenly avoided me one day and then that night tells me we just need to be friends. That its not what he wants to do but what he had to do. I lowered myself to the usual begging and pleading one does when they grow attached to and care for someone but to no avail.

So I decided it was my fate to be alone. Then one day, a few weeks after that break up Scott comes along. Well, we'd known each other a few months, said the usual "HI! How ya doing?" But nothing more than that. Next thing I know, we're exchanging numbers, but in my mind I just want to be friends. I wasn't looking for love because as far as I was concerned it didn't exist for me.

Our first conversation, was no less than awkward. It lasted a whole 12 minutes. I figured he'd never call me again, even as a friend. To my surprise, he did call me. And this time, our conversation lasted a couple of hours at minimum. I felt something in my heart the moment he said hello. All I could think was what the heck is going on, how could I feel anything for someone I barely know. I'd never felt something so strong.

I was so nervous, yet so comfortable talking to him. But at the same time, kept thinking you just broke up with someone, are you out of your mind? He hinted that he wanted to be more than friends but like me, had been hurt many times. So it kept coming back to we'll just be friends for now. After a couple more conversations, all hours at length he was like "I want more, I want to be more than friends." And before I could stop myself I was saying I did too.

I still find myself thinking this is all impossible. I have these inner arguments with myself daily. That I don't deserve him, that I'm not worth it. But, the love that I feel with him, from him is incredible. Its something I've never felt before. We know what the other is thinking, we say the same things at the same time, we don't even have to talk to know what the other is feeling or thinking.

I just know that he has given me a reason to hope, trust and believe again. And I am sooooooooo in love with him.

My Assignment: I think I'll choose 2

The 2 assignments I chose were "Normal is..." and "Words that hurt me"


Normal is:

• Me being hard on myself about everything.
• Me feeling like an epic failure at life, love, writing.
• Me wanting to run, run until I can't anymore and the run even further to escape the pain, heartache and doubts I feel.
• My fiancee telling me everyday he loves me, that I'm his life, his soulmate.

Words that hurt me:
It's all your fault that (fill in the blank) happened.
You'll never amount to anything.
You'll never be happy.
No one will ever love you.
I was only with you because I felt sorry for you.
You're pathetic and a loser.
You're stubborn and just like your father.

Some things never change...Or did I just bury my head in the sand?

So I was poking around in my closet and I came across an old journal. I began to read it, it dates back 90. I'm not the most consistant journaler, so there are alot of gaps. But the theme remained the same. All my life, I've been the victim of abuse in one form or another. It was easier to see when it was physical. Mental or emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, ones that make you think you imagined it all. Finding the strength to get out of such a situation is extremely hard. The constant mental battle that you have on how to get out of it, or the one where you argue with yourself is it real or imagined. Especially when the person causing the pain is gifted at manipulating words and others to taking their side.

It was hard to see that I was being emotionally abused. I saw signs of it in my journal, but instead I guess I chose to "bury my head in the sand". I didn't want to accept, admit that I had allowed myself to fall victim yet again.

Most of my life, I've lived believing I'm worthless and unlovable. That there is no hope for happiness for me, that there is no end of the rainbow with a happy ending. Even today, I still have that argument. I still tend to see myself as unlovable, unworthy, that I'll always be alone. I constantly fear that the man I've fallen for will leave me. The fears, the doubts, the feelings they can be quite difficult to deal with at times.

All of that seems to add to my lack of inspiration sometimes. All the stuff I've been through, makes me feel like I'd fail which makes it difficult to write. Lucky for me though, I have someone that truly believes in me despite all my tears, pain, doubts, and fears. Maybe I can finally find my happy ending.

So my new main character has a name

Finally, my character has a name. She's not exactly new, I orginally started her for a warm up writing I was doing with a friend. But life happened and our little just for fun project got put on hold for quite a while.

Now my little creation's been nagging to come out, but I'm not so sure I want to continue using her for our little warm up project. She nagging at me to bring her to life but in a story of my own. I have some ideas as to what/who she is, but I need to do some more developing IE: time, setting, additional characters, and a host of other elements. But it's still a start. It's something.

So therefore I am hopeful. Something I haven't been in a long time. And that's all thanks to the wonderful and amazing man in my life, who helped name her too. :D