Finally, A Bit Of Good News!

 On Monday, I went back to the doctor for a follow up to my biopsy the week before to get my results.

The good news is.........THE BIOPSY WAS CLEAN!!!  Nothing was detected in any of the samples.
PHEW!!! <insert sigh of relief here>

However...
I will still need to have a hysterectomy.

Doctor said I have a very angry looking uterus.
But I didn't think to ask what exactly that meant.
He did biopsy all the angry looking areas, and those were all clear too.
Hmmph No wonder I am still hurting.  He really did poke the bear!!

He said I could try an IUD....BUT.....
Because of the adenomyosis he doesn't believe that the IUD would stay and do it's job.
He believes it would expel soon after being inserted.
I didn't want to go that route anyway because I've heard too many bad things about IUDs.

So because I basically have endometriosis IN my uterine walls, the likelihood of having it 
outside as well is a very good possibility.  And every cycle they bleed because they don't know better.
Which explains painful and heavy cycles.

The question becomes now do I take out or leave the ovaries in.
As it stands, if he sees they need to be taken he will do so.  I have until mid October to decide if I just
want to say "fuck it, take them".

IF I were to leave them, there is a 65% chance of needing a second surgery to remove them after all.
A 30% chance of recurring pain, or remaining in pain as I am now.
Taking them right off, reduces a second surgery to a 30% chance. And pain to 4%.

I think I know what I'm going to do.
I think I know what I want to do.
But I worry if it's the right decision.

I've only done a little research right now.
I was immediately getting overwhelmed.
Of course many of the things I found were all OMGDOOM!DONTTAKETHEOVARIES!!!
Nevermind what mine are doing to me right?
At the same time I was finding similar things to just having a hysterectomy.

Oddly though, I couldn't seem to find much by way of more recent articles, or things about my particular age group.  Most of these were about women 45 and under.

I think I will just sit with it all this week and try to relax.
And Breathe!
Then next week I can try to do some research.   I have some time yet.

It's Been A Painful Week

 This week has just been painful....no two ways about it.
I wasn't expecting to hurt this long.  But here we are.

Yesterday I was outside with the little monster while she tossed around the dog's toy.
Girl's got a wild pitch and accidently hit me right where the doctor poked the bear.
HOLY FUCK! Did that hurt!!!
We think I'm bruised there now on top of the poked bear spot.  So double the fun...NOT!

But aside from that yesterday just sucked balls.
Screw everything else that's happened...which also sucks in a major way.
But...Fred.
Oh Fred. *sob*

He was fine in the morning. Mom said he even ate all his breakfast.  I let him out at 8:30 AM
and he was fine.  Even came back without being called. 
By the afternoon though, something was terribly wrong.
Sister and the kids came over and he didn't get up. He didn't bark.
Which is SO NOT FRED! 
I tried but he wouldn't get up.  Beloved tried and he wouldn't get up. So Beloved helped up and
poor baby cried. I managed to coax him half way to the door and he laid down again.
We thought it was his back because he's a long dog.  Long dogs as they get older get back problems.
Sister looked in his mouth and his gums were white.
He was going into shock and we didn't know why.

Sister and Mom scooped him up and jumped in the car, rushing him to the vet.
After determining he didn't get into any kind of poison the vet did an ultrasound.
It turns out, his spleen ruptured and he was bleeding internally.  It was a cancer we had no
idea he even had because he had been fine.  He was always just being Fred.
Even if they did surgery, he would have had to have chemo.  At best he would have had six 
more months after that and it would be a painful six months.

Mom made the heart breaking decision to let him go with dignity and spare him more pain.

We are all just heart broken. We have 4 other dogs, but the house is just too quiet without Fred.
No clippity cloppity on the floor from him walking.  No woo wooing when he'd talk to you.
It sucks!  I want my Fred back!! Fuck Cancer!!!!!

He just turned 9 last month.  We were supposed to have a few more years with him.
Vet said he is seeing more and more of this kind of cancer in dogs.  And it's the worst kind because you don't know about it until it's too late.  Did I mention FUCK CANCER?!

The Day After

 So.........Biopies............

SUCK Donkey wang!!

Ouch!!!!

It was painful in ways I didn't expect.
I came home and pretty much slept the rest of the day and night away.

I still could, if I let myself.
So tired.

And sore, achy.
My back.  But I don't know if that the procedure or fibro or both.
My right side is very twitchy.  I know THAT is from the procedure.
It was touchy before, now it's just pissed lol.

I go back on Monday for the results of what was done.
The one thing he did say though was I would probably be losing an ovary in the process.

The initial goal was to leave them.
So we shall see.

Today was the first day that the top number of my BP was low.
I think it was 119/90.  I know the bottom is still high.

Having bouts of nausea but I can eat and keep food down.
So I am guessing it's just me coming off the one medication.

I dunno maybe I'm just a wimp.

I've been really struggling to do that assignment the doctor gave me.
Hard to find anything I like or love about myself.

And The Results Are In

 So................

Labs are back.
And for the most part things looked good.

Cholesterol is a little high.  They want me to try diet first.
I'm Hypothyroid.  Going to address that with medication.
Estrogen dominant.  TBD.  They said meds, but that might be on hold.

I did tell you I was diagnosed with Fibro, I think.

White Coat Syndrome is in full swing and I can't get down.
It is a little better than it was at the office, but not where I'd like it.

But I'm a jumbled mess.
I'm a nervous wreck.

Tomorrow they are doing a biopsy.
He's sure that it's horses and not zebras we're hearing.
I am sure too.  BUT...that doesn't make me any less nervous.
Even now that I know more or less what he's going to do.

I have polyps and adenomyosis.
Possible endo.  

I have three different meds to take tomorrow to make me loopy.
I've never taken any of these before.  So interesting stuff....maybe.

The results will be back in a week.  So I go back then for the low down.

Then we pick a date...I guess...I dunno.
We're taking it out.  
Guess that's going to be my birthday present.  I figure it will happen some
time in October.

And here's a thing.
He...the doctor...doesn't know my story.
But......he could tell I've been through some shit in my life.
He noticed I struggle with making decisions even after I've made one.  
He could tell that I was wavering, doubting myself.
He asked me why...so I gave him the cliff notes version.

He told me that I was capable and smart.
Then he gave me homework.
I'm to write down 3 things I like about myself every night for 30 days.
So far....I have zero.   *sigh*
At the end of this assignment, I'll have 90 things and then I'm to pick
the top 15. These he said are my core values and to guard them with my life.

It's to help me learn what I love about myself and to learn HOW to love myself.

Just if you could send some calming vibes, some strength too maybe....
I'd really appreciate it.  

Happy September!

 Rabbit, Rabbit as they say.

Here's hoping September is a little more kind to all of us.

Finally went to the doctor's appointment that I have been putting off for several months now.  I waited until the last possible moment to go....well basically because my experience has been that the doctor was dismissive of my complaints.

So now that I was able to finally switch doctors. AND...now that I absolutely had to go in.  
And today was that day.
A doctor who listened.  Who did not dismiss what I said. Who is open minded.

After a one hour visit and EIGHT!!!! vials of blood later...............
I left knowing that yes I do have fibro. 
I left knowing I can't take my prescription that was controlling my monthly and the polyps.
Diagnosed also with migraines and those with aura...hence the call to stop my prescription.

He is testing me for everything and anything.
Hormones, Thyroid, Blood Sugar, Sjogren's, Lupus, and I don't know what all else.  Just
a lot of STUFFS!  He  basically also wants to see if I have just fibro or fibro and ????? whatever else may be.  He said sometimes it is a stand alone thing and sometime it isn't.  But the only way to know for sure is lab work.
There's an ultrasound scheduled and more than likely a biopsy too.  Just to rule out things.
I'm not thrilled about the biopsy stuff. I'd rather avoid it if I could.  But he thinks it's in my interest to have it and rule other things out.   He's encouraging that I do this because I am now a woman of a "certain age" as they say.  And I'm in that window of where things go stupid.

After all that, even though I have now eaten....I feel drained.  I could take a nap I think but it won't make me feel better so I'll ho-hum through the afternoon.  Maybe I'll have some coffee.  I only had a half cup this morning.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment I can't really process or remember everything.