The End....Of An Era...A Farewell To 49

I was thinking about when I was younger.
The thought of ever being 50 seemed like an eternity away,
let alone even a possibility
that one day I would, in fact, be 50.
It almost seemed impossible.
Back then, I'm sure I considered that to be old.

But here I am, on the eve of my birthday.
The last day of my 40's.

I see a lot of places I have fallen short and missed the mark
over the years. Places where my yeses should have been noes
and vice versa.  Where I should have maybe stayed longer in
Brooklyn.  Where I should have finished my degree or gone
further.  Or where I maybe should have insisted on finishing it
in Florida.  Or even Georgia.  Once upon a time, I had thought
to even go back now. But to pursue what I want, I need to live in
another state. And the online schools for what I would consider
don't take financial aid.  But that's okay, I'm at peace  now with
not having it.  I can expand my learning without paying thousands
to do it.  I have come to realize that I don't need that piece of paper
for my own personal satisfaction.

I fell short of my 50 x 50 by a LONG LONG way.
I kept thinking, oh I have time.  Almost three months worth.
Then, before I even knew it...here we are.
I had begun to beat myself up for it.
I made myself stop.  Why?  I can't undo the fact that I didn't do it.
All I can do it try to do better. Be better at honoring my
commitments to myself.  If I can honor them to others, I can
honor them to myself, I just need to make ME a priority.

I look back and see where I saved myself.  What and where I
escaped pain and abuse and heartache.  I didn't see myself as
courageous then. Nor did I see myself as brave or as a warrior
or as a survivor.  I used to see myself as a coward running in
fear.  It is only now, that I realize I probably saved my life and
my sanity.
Some people, I think, see me as the toxic one.  That I was to blame,
that I wasn't the victim.  I'm sorry that they see it that way. But
that's on them, not me.  All I can do is hope that one day, they will
realize I'm not the one at fault.
It's 2019 and people still have a "you made your bed, lie in it"
mentality.  Never once thinking of what that does for the victim.
I will no longer try to convince people that my story is not some
tall tale that I made up for sympathy.  Either believe me or don't.
I don't have time to prove things to anyone.

It's hard to learn and to let myself do things for me.
It's hard to learn that it's okay to live my life.
It's hard to learn that it's okay to be myself, even if I am still
figuring that out and unlearning all the things I was told that I was.
I think, unlearning the lies I've been told is one of the hardest things.
I don't want to begin 50 with believing the lies and them echoing in my ear.

It's a New Moon, this eve of my birthday.
A time of transformation.  A time of letting of what no longer fits.
Side note: my drawers are full of things that don't fit.
Perhaps it is time to let those things go too.
I am, for the first time in a long time, looking forward to my birthday.
Now...don't go crazy thinking I want any big to dos.  NO SIR!
But I will welcome in a year of new beginnings, a year of
creating, of the sacred, of learning my authentic voice.  A new year in
my life.  Here's to turning 50!