The End....Of An Era...A Farewell To 49

I was thinking about when I was younger.
The thought of ever being 50 seemed like an eternity away,
let alone even a possibility
that one day I would, in fact, be 50.
It almost seemed impossible.
Back then, I'm sure I considered that to be old.

But here I am, on the eve of my birthday.
The last day of my 40's.

I see a lot of places I have fallen short and missed the mark
over the years. Places where my yeses should have been noes
and vice versa.  Where I should have maybe stayed longer in
Brooklyn.  Where I should have finished my degree or gone
further.  Or where I maybe should have insisted on finishing it
in Florida.  Or even Georgia.  Once upon a time, I had thought
to even go back now. But to pursue what I want, I need to live in
another state. And the online schools for what I would consider
don't take financial aid.  But that's okay, I'm at peace  now with
not having it.  I can expand my learning without paying thousands
to do it.  I have come to realize that I don't need that piece of paper
for my own personal satisfaction.

I fell short of my 50 x 50 by a LONG LONG way.
I kept thinking, oh I have time.  Almost three months worth.
Then, before I even knew it...here we are.
I had begun to beat myself up for it.
I made myself stop.  Why?  I can't undo the fact that I didn't do it.
All I can do it try to do better. Be better at honoring my
commitments to myself.  If I can honor them to others, I can
honor them to myself, I just need to make ME a priority.

I look back and see where I saved myself.  What and where I
escaped pain and abuse and heartache.  I didn't see myself as
courageous then. Nor did I see myself as brave or as a warrior
or as a survivor.  I used to see myself as a coward running in
fear.  It is only now, that I realize I probably saved my life and
my sanity.
Some people, I think, see me as the toxic one.  That I was to blame,
that I wasn't the victim.  I'm sorry that they see it that way. But
that's on them, not me.  All I can do is hope that one day, they will
realize I'm not the one at fault.
It's 2019 and people still have a "you made your bed, lie in it"
mentality.  Never once thinking of what that does for the victim.
I will no longer try to convince people that my story is not some
tall tale that I made up for sympathy.  Either believe me or don't.
I don't have time to prove things to anyone.

It's hard to learn and to let myself do things for me.
It's hard to learn that it's okay to live my life.
It's hard to learn that it's okay to be myself, even if I am still
figuring that out and unlearning all the things I was told that I was.
I think, unlearning the lies I've been told is one of the hardest things.
I don't want to begin 50 with believing the lies and them echoing in my ear.

It's a New Moon, this eve of my birthday.
A time of transformation.  A time of letting of what no longer fits.
Side note: my drawers are full of things that don't fit.
Perhaps it is time to let those things go too.
I am, for the first time in a long time, looking forward to my birthday.
Now...don't go crazy thinking I want any big to dos.  NO SIR!
But I will welcome in a year of new beginnings, a year of
creating, of the sacred, of learning my authentic voice.  A new year in
my life.  Here's to turning 50!

Too Cold, Too Soon

It's been cold!
Like freeze warning cold!!
I don't like it.
Not one bit!

This morning, they said it was the lowest so far.
Here by us, it was around 25.
Some places, it was down to 10!!
This is October.
We have barely even had Fall yet.

I look out the back door and into my neighbor's field and there is ICE on the grass.
Not frost, but ice.
They are draining the water lines and so there is a slow stream from the spouts.
This is make little ice shard forests in the grass.
It looks kind of neat from the window actually.
I haven't ventured out there though.

Some places in the mountains have already had snow.
The close snowfall was about 40 miles away.
I don't think that they got a whole lot.
It's just the thought of snow in freaking October...UGH!

I've looked at 3 different almanacs and Accuweather's post the other day.
They are all different!  Not one agrees with another.
One almanac says we're gonna be in for it.
Another says average.
Accuweather says mild.

I feel like we're gonna be in for it.
I don't know why.  But my body has been aching in odd ways for weeks now.
Judging by how cold it is and we're not even a month into Fall....I'd be rather
surprised if we didn't have a hard winter.
I mean, all the little birds have already disappeared!
Haven't seen one since mid September.

My cousin says the East Coast is in for it again too.
I know people out that way are seeing solid black Wooly Bear catapillars.
That's a  sign of a hard winter.
My cousin was saying that the birds and squirrels are putting up their stores, too.

I dread to think what it will be like.
We're trying to be some what prepared.
Or at least as much as we possibly can.

I'll be getting to go on a day trip to the mountains next week, weather permitting.
Hopefully, I'll get to see some leaves turning colors.
Definitely taking the camera!
Hoping to have something to share.