Trying To Remember To Breathe

My mantra today:

I AM SAFE.
I AM SAFE.
I AM SAFE.

Not really working though.
I'm trying to remember to breathe too.
While repeating as often as necessary that
I am in fact..SAFE.

If ever I doubted being abused is real because people said
"OH...it's not that bad." "It wasn't what you think".
"It's all in your head".
Today, I got flood with panic and fear.

Well, actually it started yesterday.
I smelled a smell I haven't smelled in over 30 years.
No matter how hard I  tried,
I couldn't escape it.
It was all around me.
Every way I turned my head, it was there.

Even when I laid down to sleep.
It was there. But even stronger.
I bid the smell and the person it's attached to,
to be gone and leave me in peace. Then fell into
a restless sleep.

My old injury from this abuser has been flaring something fierce.
Then this smell.
Today, he pops up on FB.
Not on my wall or anything. But in connection to things from years ago.

I thought my heart was going to stop.
I had looked before, and never saw anything.
I felt...crazy but...I felt a little safer, knowing he wasn't on there.
Little did I know, he has been for 3 years.  I just didn't search his nickname.

There are approximately 2507 miles between us.
But in this moment, it may as well be zero because I am that triggered.

Every noise is going to make me jump.
I will be seeing things in the shadows.

Even though, the likelihood of ever seeing him is slim.
I also know what he is capable of.
And if the not yet ex can put me in a tailspin...
This one is worse.

Worse because he has threatened my life more than once in the past.
Worse because he has held me at knife point.
Worse because he has held me at gun point.
Worse because part of the reason he spent time in jail was on account of
an outstanding bench warrant in a case of him vs me.

If I ever began to doubt if my abuse was real...
seeing  his face in a photo proved otherwise.

So today, I just need to keep reminding myself that I am safe.
That everything will be okay.

PTSD....SUCKS!!!!!!