Failing Miserably

I have this list, usually a mental list.
Of things I want to be doing.
Of things I feel like I SHOULD be doing.

And I am failing.
Miserably!
At doing any of it.

Remember that 50x50 idea I had.
Yeah.
Not going so well.
I've only gotten 4, maybe 5 done.
And one is still a WIP.

I sign up for these free online summit things.
And then, I never get around to listening or watching.
Or...Doing.

Again...
failing....
miserably.

And it always comes back to the same ole reason.
GUILT!

I feel guilty for wanting to do a thing.
I feel guilty for trying to do a thing.
I feel guilty for needing stuff to do said things.
I feel guilty for actually doing a thing.

And well, to be honest it's not just the guilt.
It is the whole impostor syndrome thing.
It is the whole not good enough thing.
It is the whole why should I bother, no one will care thing.

Never mind how much joy it might bring me though.
Oh no, because me being happy doesn't matter. Dontcha know.
Or at least that's what the gremlins tell me.

I was doing good there for awhile, fending them off.
But, somewhere along the way the managed to gain the upper hand
and are winning again.

Well....with having that bout of the dizzies, I wasn't up to fighting
anything at all.  But they gained the upper hand even before that, I think.

The dizzies have passed.
THANKFULLY!
Though, I am continuing the Ginko and the B12.
I mean, it can't hurt.
I've not noticed an improvement over the foggy brain, but it's only been
two maybe three weeks, or there abouts.

So there it is.
Me failing.
Yet again.

I can probably still make it  if I put my mind to doing the 50x50.
But do I even try??